Pony POV Series Season Seven: Not The Wedding You Remember

by Alex Warlorn

Episode 175: "Family Bonding" Starring Evil Discord

Pony POV Series
Discord And "Diamond Tiara" ********* *******
Family Bonding
Discord's Riffing

'Come now my dear, sit on the sofa with daddy.'

"What sofa?"

'The sofa that's right here because I say it is! See? Also, lots and lots of popcorn and soda! Want any?'


'Well I do! Munch-munch-munch! Buuuuuuuuuurp!'

"Onomatopoeias? How droll."

'Oh just sit down dear, we're going to watch a little movie, some absurd comedy.'

"Sounds like you."

'Thank you. Now sit down.'

"Yes father."

'Good girl! Now, just lie back and relax, and now get to watch this show thanks to good old Fate-Net! Here we go!'

Connecting... connecting... connecting... connection failed.
If you want to access Fate-Net, you shouldn't have torn off my wing you bastard.

"Father, I didn't know those profanities you're gushing even existed."

'I've had a long time to build up a collection and knowledge of nearly every universe.'

"Well, movie didn't work out, see ya-"

'Oh you sit down little missy! Your father isn't out of tricks yet! Fate-Net isn't the only service provider out there!'

" . . . is that music . . . from Ponies Of The Caribbean?"

ARRR! Welcome to the Secret Underground Booty Bay secret-underground-network me hearties! If ye wish to share in our booty of external-legal entertainment, just provide the hand of a cursed monkey, a cursed gold coin, a undead skull that curses-

'See? This isn't so bad. I can make two of those myself!'

"Says you you wretched foul ugly mishmash of-"

'Put a sock in it Murry!'

And do the secret pirate dance and the sacred 'We are Pirates' song 443556 times.

"Not so bad huh?"

'Dear, daddy has something you need to-'

"Not doing it."

'Sigh. And my secret army of Ninja Pirate Zombie Robots were destroyed by Celly, Lulu, and their little army one thousand five hundred years ago when a rogue mage reactivated them in an offscreen fight that will remain fuel for the Shadows Who Watch!'

"Why did you even have an army of Ninja Pirate Zombie Robots?"

'Why do I need a reason? But I'm not beaten yet! Time to . . . uuuugh, call in the favors on the family who doesn't want me dead."

"I thought we were doing that already."

"I have more than one cousin. Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep! Riiiiing! And . . . Hello Ponythulu! Yes, it's nice to hear from you too! How are things? No, I'm not interested in tea parties, please stop asking! What do you mean you have a family now?! I was only imprisoned for a thousand years! . . . Idhay-yaa? I thought you guys all reproduced asexually! Oh you do that too. Right right, Nythy is the only member of your generation of the family with more than one parent right. Soooo, could you lend me your Fate-Net account? . . .  No I'm not gong to post porn on your page, again. I promise! Cross the empty hole in my chest, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye! . . . Thank you cousin! I know I can count on you!...Huh? That's your password? Oh, nothing's wrong, just I expected it would be in a mindbending alien tongue and not Klingon, that seemed more Strife's style.'

Welcome Back To Fate-Net Premium Member Ponythulu. You are a good person, and ponies say nice things about you.

"Smiling flowers browser skin?"

'Cousin always did have odd tastes. Now let's get this show started already!'

"So what are you going to do with his account instead?"

'Oh, maybe later watch a few timelines that I know he hates so they keep popping in his Recommendeds, but for now sweetie, let's finally enjoy the show! Don't you hate those spoof stories that spend more time on the framing device than the spoof itself?'


'Well! Time for Discord and Daughter Riffs Character Derailment Episode! Ha ha!'

"Another look into the heart world? Didn't we learn all there is to learn?"

'There's a bit more to see.'

- One Episode (erm, of events that make up the mane six's lives!) Later -

"Well, that was certainly interesting. Wouldn't you agree, father?"

' . . . '

"It's not like you to be so silent."

'Bah! I know the heart world retroactively changes things to smooth things over as time goes on, but really, Pinkie Pie disliking my chocolate milk!? She loved it! She certainly wasn't complaining when it was happening! She even took a moment to enjoy some more before they blasted me!'

"I thought you'd be more concerned about your apparent fall to one of Celestia's schemes and the fact your own plan ended up backfiring."

'Oh that. Meh. The heart world version of me clearly wasn't as dedicated to his work as me.'

"Actually, I'd say you were equally sadistic and cruel."

'He didn't emotionally crush Trixie for a warm up.'

"He could've gone a different direction with it, played up her bitterness and jealousy to Twilight instead of her loneliness and been why she went after the Alicorn Amulet, planning to have her and Twilight fight to the death to be his number two."

'...Good idea, I wish I'd thought of that a year ago.'

"While your plans themselves are dynamic and unpredictable father, you tend to not think much beyond the goal of each one."

'Of course not! Where's the fun in that? And smile darn ya, smile darn ya smile!'

"Why? The smile will be gone eventually."

'Why do my best works always turn out this way?'

"You have a unique talent for destroying what you find most precious. Like the seaponies."

'Ah yes, something else heart world me can't claim to have under his belt.'

"From the looks of things, there was nothing preventing him from having it under his belt, since you've confessed yourself that was due to your own thoughtlessness than any desire to see them gone, he just did something different, as chaos will, opposed to the Flutterponies."

'Honestly? I have absolutely no clue why I did that one. I'm chaos! Being random and unpredictable to entertain myself is what I do. I didn't really plan that one, I didn't have a motive or a goal, it was just something random I did. Sometimes that's a wheel chair bound filly suddenly being able to walk again, and other times cheap 'never need sharpening' knives falling from the sky, or ukuleles, or junk mail, or diet soda. It was just a game. I didn't mean to wipe them out, so I had kept the last copy of that doll around for safe keeping. I could have sworn I had more Flutterponies to play with when I started.'

"Just as Lightning Dust's thoughtlessness and disregard for others cost her what she held dearest."

'Ah yes her, how did I play with her again? There have been so many. I can't keep track of all of them. How does that cliched overly referenced speech go? For them the day I visited their country was one of the most important days in history, but for me? It was Tuesday!...That would've so much funnier if I could've worn a costume.'

"Maybe you built up her ego and then crushed her pride?"

'OH PLEASE! Shame on you! As if I'd ever do anything so amateur! That's ALWAYS the first step in arrogant and selfish ponies turning over a new leaf! Selfish and arrogant ponies are MUCH MORE as they make each other miserable! I likely just made scared of her own shadow and not wanting to risk getting out of bed. It's those 'purity pure goody-four-hooves' I can't stand, so much fun to turn them into proper little monsters. You should have seen this one universe I found while channel surfing before they banned my account! This one Discord took things even FURTHER than I went! He transformed Twilight and her little discorded friends into the SPIRITS of deception, greed, anger, etcetera, totally: mind, body, soul. My own personal pantheon! And so much better looking as non-equine monsters! I can see why he took the one that used to be Twilight Sparkle as his queen! Something else I wish I thought of.'


'You're not a spirit of nature's fury my dear.'

"Do you honestly believe your siblings would allow you to make an entire Pantheon under your control?"

'He got away with it.'

"Yes, but how do you know the Pantheon is the same in his universe? And we don't know how that story ends."

'Ugh...I'm arguing with a Nihilist...'

"Which you made me."

'Nice punchline. But of course my chaos is pointless, that is the point: except of course for the FUN it gives ME! And you make it sound like I just snapped my fingers, for shame. I raised you like a precious flower, my little filly.'

"I am still surprised you're not more upset that all it took was one friend to make your heart world self reign in his chaos."

'Whyever would that upset me?'

"Probably the same reason you went berserk when I saw your memory of my ancestor."

'You are not to speak of that young lady! And when the buck did you learn about her?'

"You and I are very close father, you expected me not to learn it?"

'Sigh. I suppose it doesn't matter now.'

"Precisely. And what was the 'point' of this again?"

'Just some daddy and daughter bonding time my dear and to expand your education a little bit.'

"I see."

'And what have you learned my dear?'

"Our choices, personality, and identities are meaningless, if the shadows desire it, a saint can become a monster, and a monster can become a saint, it doesn't matter if it's not a choice we'd make, that it goes against our true nature, and it ignores or discards traits we've already shown. There is no point to any of it."

'And that my dear, is why it's no fun in making sense, because all sense is a farce. All those rules and laws that ponies cling dearly to? True harmony and true understanding don't exist. Pretty lies they tell themselves while shouting how being honest is good at the same time.'


'Precisely. I'm happy to see you've come so far my dear. In my humble opinion, your old father and mother should thank me for improving your behavior! You've certainly matured into a proper young lady! And Cheerilee too! You've certainly bloomed I'd say!'

"I don't care."

'I'd still say you're new and improved.'


'And who do you have to thank for that?'

"You father."

'Thank you my dear! And how would you say you've improved?'

" ... ... both none and greatly."

"Oh I love you, please go on."

"You explained it yourself father, any goodness in the likes of us is window dresses, a little monster is all I could have ever been, it's all I exist to be, I exist to be hated, I exist only to lose, you've made me a bigger monster. You've taken me from a mere bully to an engine of destruction."

'And don't forget! With 'status quo is god' out the window, the bad guys can win! As I'm going to! After all, everyone can tell this is a grimiest of the grim, darkest of the dark, grim dark story that's rotten to the core with a pretty surface. Of course I'm going to win!'

"Isn't that arrogant?"

'My dear, it's not arrogance, it's a statement of FACT! It's a declaration of REALITY. Ponies are just too busy burying their heads in the sand to notice.'

"You are correct in one way father-"

'Heh, I'm correct in every way.'

"-ponies' struggles are meaningless. They scream at themselves 'live in the moment,' so they don't have to think ahead, others shout at themselves 'all we need to do is get rid of all those pesky sapient laws of the universe and we'll be able to achieve true greatness' to blame their own failures on, and others-"

'That's enough dear. As I said, I'm quite happy to see you my little girl have internalized everything I've taught you. But there is one thing you were right about before I adopted you.'

"Which is?"

'It's all a game. It's meant to entertain. Who cares what the toys think? They're not you, you don't even blink.'

"Humph. You are something else father."

'Thank you! Now my dear. I'd love for us to sing a delightfully menacing song about how all sense is utterly meaningless, but we have some serious business to attend to. Or rather, you do.'

"Yes father, I understand."

'Onward! Trumpet horn!'


'Sorry sweetie, your ears should stop ringing in a minute. Now let's see if Chrysalis has an ace up her thorax, or is just going to sit there and whine like all of Pandora's creations.'