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// Hearth's Warming Eve 
// Story: A Dream 
// by totallynotabrony 
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Note: This chapter contains sex jokes.  Well, more than usual.

While I appreciated the short winters that Equestria had, I didn’t like how they came so suddenly.  The day before had been nice and warm.
I’d have to suspend my search for truth and justice for a while, though.  I couldn’t even think about the ugly stone that for some reason was important.  I still wasn't sure what part it played in the grand scheme of things.  I'd left it back in Ponyville in the library.
We were all on our way to Canterlot.  Princess Celestia had asked the ponies to put on a play.  I figured it would be a good opportunity to see how things had changed from the other universe.  Since realizing that I wasn’t in the same version of Equestria that I’d started out in, I’d been on the lookout for what else might have changed.
So far, the only things that I'd noticed was the Twi-bot somehow being undamaged and that Applejack didn’t talk like a hick anymore.  I’d seen Pinkie making a lot more brownies lately, but didn’t know whether that was notable or not.  They were delicious.
The train ride was nice and scenic.  The ponies were passing around the script of the play.  It was a history of Equestira, and had something to do with Hearth’s Warming Eve.  The holiday was like pony winter break, because ponies are too politically correct, and I suppose too Celestia-worshipping, to have Christmas.
I got bored of thinking about ways to stick blades to my hooves and parade around as Santa Claws.  With nothing else to do, I glanced at the script for the play.  It looked boring.
I’d coordinated with Sweetie Belle to run an assassination mission on Prince Blueblood while we were in Canterlot.  Unfortunately, Rarity found out and threw a fit.
“Do you know what this means?” she said while we stood in another compartment of the train.  She didn’t want her friends to hear, so it was a very quiet fit that she was throwing.
“No, what?”
“I can’t just let my little sister go do this!”
“I’ll be with her.”
She gave me a look.  “I’m so reassured.”
“Well, this could be our best chance to get Blueblood.”
“What do you two have against him?” said Sweetie Belle.  “I mean, I know he’s a vampire, but why him specifically?”
“Let me answer that with a riddle,” I said.  “What bleeds for seven days but doesn’t die?”
Sweetie Belle thought for a moment.  “I don’t know.”
“Good.  That means you’re not old enough for us to tell you about it.”
I gave Rarity a look that said, You do still want to keep you being a vampire a secret, right?
She shrugged as if to say, Sure, why not?
I nodded, telling her, I concur.  She doesn’t need to know.
“I’m a vampire, Sweetie Belle.  Blueblood turned me.”
I facehoofed.  “Didn’t you get my mental message?”
“You were trying to think something at me?  Sorry, I thought you were feeling constipated.”
Facehoof, facehoof.  “Never mind.  I’m leaving.”
“Wait a moment Valiant, what if Sweetie Belle and I were to work together on this?”
“That could be okay.  Don’t you have to be in the play, though?”
“I’m sure they’ll find someone to fill in.”  That sounded good to me.  Rarity stopped by the compartment of the other ponies to tell them that she had an emergency to take care of.
I sat back down with them.  “Gosh,” said Fluttershy.  “What will we do now?  We need another pony.”
“Yeah,” agreed Rainbow.  “It’s a six-way job.”
“That’s what she said,” I muttered.
“What was that, Valiant?”
“Nothing.”
Twilight’s eyes lit up.  “I know!  You can take over for Rarity.”
“Uh…”
“Come on, you’ve seen the script.  That puts you ahead of any other pony in Equestria.”
“Well, what part would I be playing?”
“Princess Platinum.”
Facehoof.

Backstage at the theater, I had my nose in the script book.  If I had to look like a fool, at least I didn’t have to act like one.  The other ponies were getting ready.
Twilight came up with a load of costume things.
“I’ve got this stuff for you.  I’m afraid that you’ll have to wear a strap-on.”
“What!?”
She gave me a fake unicorn horn.  “What did you think I meant?”
“Nevermind.”
I couldn’t fit into any dresses that the prop department had, which was good because I would have refused to wear them.  They managed to come up with something that was basically androgynous.
They refused to let me be Prince Platinum, though.
“This is how it really was!” insisted Twilight.  “It’s a historical play.”
“Sometimes history needs to be changed for the sake of the audience.”  I pointed to Pinkie, who was playing Chancellor Puddinghead.  “Like that, for example.  Between Hitler and Palpatine, it’s pretty much a given that anyone with the title ‘Chancellor’ is automatically a bad guy.”
“Chancellor Puddinghead is one of the antagonists, yes.”
“Oh, no problem then.  Well, if you aren't going to change that, then maybe—”
“You’re still a Princess, Valiant.”

Despite my initial hesitation, things worked out as well as could be expected.  I certainly was not fooling the audience, but they at least had the good grace to laugh at me.
At least the crowd left me alone at the afterparty.  Rarity and Sweetie Belle showed up, looking dissapointed.  The rest of the ponies mingled while I attacked the refreshments table.
“Would you like some turtle candies?” asked the table attendant.
“No thanks.  I’m allergic to nuts.”
“What?”
“You know, walnuts, pecans, almonds.”
He gave me a blank look.  “I’ve never heard of any of those.”
I tentatively took one of the turtles and bit into it.  No nuts.
“I love this parallel universe!” I said.
Of course, I didn’t get to stay there.  When I went to bed back in Ponyville that night, I woke up again in my apartment on Earth.
The clock read a few minutes after five in the morning.  I stumbled out of bed and headed for the bathroom.
“Good thing I’m not allergic to you guys,” I said, looking down.
I shuddered.  That sounded way more creepy than I thought it would.
I stumbled back to bed didn’t I just stumble out of it? and lay down.  Maybe, just maybe, I could get back to dream-Equestria-sans-nuts.
My eyes snapped back open and I stared at the bedside table.  The ugly rock sat there, wrapped in the electronics that Twilight had applied to it.
“Oh no.  Oh hell no!”
“Shut up!” called my roommate.
I picked the thing up.  It looked exactly as I remembered.  This unlocked a whole bunch of new possibilities that I hadn’t considered.
Option one, this was a dream within a dream.  I looked around.  Nothing looked different, but my head was still pounding from the hangover.  Screw you, Leo DiCaprio.
Option two, the parallel universe idea was right on the money and the stone was the key.  When I’d gone to sleep the second time, I’d traveled to a second version of Equestria.
Well, the only thing I could do was try to return to dreamland.  Hopefully I wouldn’t end up someplace that was too weird.
“Please no nuts, please no nuts,” I whispered as I lay back in bed.

“Hey Valiant, are you going to get up or what?”  It was a female voice I didn’t recognize.
I opened my eyes.  A purple dragon was standing in front of me.  I thought it was Spike.  I blinked a couple of times.  No, it looked like a different dragon.
“Are you finally awake?” said a pony, walking over to the couch.  He was a purple unicorn with a star-shaped cutie mark.
“Who are—”  I stopped, putting a hoof to my mouth.  Something was wrong with my voice.
“Come on, get up.  I swear, you’re the laziest mare I’ve ever met.”
I looked down at my body.  While it wasn’t what I meant, it looked like I’d gotten what I'd asked for.
No nuts.