The Abridged Fic That Was Cut Short Due to Bankruptcies in Four Different Timelines
This fic would have starred Scootareader’s mind snapping in a great explosion, and an epic fight between Scootareader and Darkness Awesome, Shadow Incredible, Zytharros, and Sevarros. It really would have. After all the events of the past five instalments of the Wherein-verse, it should have been so simple. But no. Princess Celestia had decided to cut funding after Michael Bay called for nuclear-grade explosives. Darkness Awesome wanted nearly seven thousand times his pay from last movie. Shadow Incredible was unsignable because he was “above a contract”. Scootareader went to an insane asylum. Luna herself wanted to direct, saying “Mine absence from the last episode maketh me so mad I want control.” The Mane Six wanted nothing to do with the train wreck. Fancy Pants and his lover Shining Armour, along with their, *ahem*, dumpster Princess Cadence, banished Wherein 6 from theaters. Filthy Rich abandoned this profitless venture for another slightly more profitable project by some upstart named Short Skirts and Explosions… something about “Charon’s in it” gave him a hard-on or something… that two-bit hack.
Even the internet barfed at the sight of this idea.
I swear! It was a good one. Unfortunately, you don’t get that idea. You don’t get to see Matrix-style writing, highly-choreographed special effects, needless explosions, talentless but highly marketable actors desperate for a bit, or any of that. You get to watch Discord pick his nose.
For two hours.
He’s the only one who would fund this fic, now that anyone without any sense at all stepped away from it. He was the one I was left with. He cost me my last 15 ten-piece coins… and that’s in yen! So here I am, avoiding all shots of ponies in downtown Ponyville, even in the background, while Discord sits in front of me with a big, stupid grin and mines for gold. He knows he has me in a tight spot. I swear he does. I want so badly to film the epic fight scene just behind me. Y’know, the one I mentioned earlier about Scootareader et al. fighting it out, turning Super Saiyan Level Three, and obliterating Equestria in their epic battle for the safety of mankind. Unfortunately, I have to keep this camera trained on Discord and not catch a single glimpse of any other pony in town.
“Do you know how hard this video is, Discord?”
“Hmm? I have no idea what you’re babbling on about. Now just keep filming!”
“We’re parked in front of freaking Sugarcube Corner! I can’t even film Pinkie Pie because Scootareader made me sign a contract saying that I am to avoid filming Pinkie whenever I reference his characters. Do you know how fucking difficult that is!?”
Discord, pulling out yet another piece of snot and flicking it into the ether like a speck of magic, simply chuckled. “You’re the one in a tight financial pinch, not me.”
I groaned. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right.
“Um, pardon me…”
“Shh! Fluttershy! I can’t have you in this film. You said no, remember?”
“Um, I-I just wanted to let you know, Zytharros, that you could f-film me. I know how popular I am, as much as I get s-scared just thinking about it… eep… b-b… but maybe I can help?”
Discord clapped his hands together and smiled. “Oh, meek little Fluttershy saves the day again! I’m sure Zytharros would be more than happy to have you on-set! Right?”
“Sure!”
“Oh, good! Now, be mindful that your one-hundred-fifty yen runs at about one yen per minute per pony, right? So now, instead of having thirty-six yen left, you have eighteen. Oh, isn’t that wonderful? Your film won’t be two-and-a-half hours long. It’ll be two hours and… oh, simple… harmonious math was never my strong suit. Some amount of time left. And you still have to avoid any other pony on-screen.”
“Oh, Discord. I wasn’t saying I’d be in it with you.” Fluttershy smiled sweetly.
“Erm… no?” he asked.
Fluttershy pulled out a knife. Her smile changed to one of psychotic, unstable madness. “No. I’m writing you out.”
A singular, well-placed thrust ensured McDiscord’s became the staple fast food restaurant for gryphons, griffins, hippogriffs, and hippopotami everywhere. Sources would say Discord attacked Fluttershy and he simply fell on the blade because, to ponies, the fact that Fluttershy was a cereal murderer was completely psychologically impossible for them, a fact they usually forgot about, along with their lost friend, family member, worst enemy, et cetera overnight.
Yeah, she got that knife from a cereal box a few years back when knives were acceptable playthings for all children.
I blinked. “Well, that accelerated quickly.”
Fluttershy’s smile snapped back to normal. “N-now, where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do?”
“Let’s go somewhere that ponies aren’t likely to get in my lens and I can focus on you.”
I followed Fluttershy into the woods, where she started coming on to me.
“Let’s lie here together, naked as the dawn, and make hot, passionate love until the Sun itself burns out from our intensity!” she shouted.
I punched her.
And that was how I became an international fugitive, running from anyone and anything that had the capacity to form rational thought. I had no idea ponies were so protective about Fluttershy.
Then again, she did give off the sense of having mind-control powers.
Now, at this point, I met someone who could not have had any idea what went on. I hoped she was a rational being of intelligent thought, and without a doubt one of the calmest ponies on the planet. She had to be, for her position called for it. She could not be a pawn. Not like everyone else. No. Princess Celestia was sure to-
Huh. I’m dead.
A singular, well-placed thrust ensured McDiscord’s became the staple fast food restaurant for gryphons, griffins, hippogriffs, and hippopotami everywhere. Sources would say Discord attacked Fluttershy and he simply fell on the blade because, to ponies, the fact that Fluttershy was a cereal murderer was completely psychologically impossible for them, a fact they usually forgot about, along with their lost friend, family member, worst enemy, et cetera overnight.
Yeah, she got that knife from a cereal box a few years back when knives were acceptable playthings for all children.
I blinked. “Well, that accelerated quickly.”
Fluttershy’s smile snapped back to normal. “N-now, where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do?”
“Let’s go somewhere that ponies aren’t likely to get in my lens and I can focus on you.”
I followed Fluttershy into the woods, where she started coming on to me.
“Let’s lie here together, naked as the dawn, and make hot, passionate love until the Sun itself burns out from our intensity!” she shouted.
I stared at her and we started banging, until tentacles wrapped themselves around my neck and choked me to death.
“You’re now under my power,” she said nicely. “You will obey me and only me.”
“Yes, mistress.”
“Your debt is now paid.”
A singular, well-placed thrust ensured McDiscord’s became the staple fast food restaurant for gryphons, griffins, hippogriffs, and hippopotami everywhere. Sources would say Discord attacked Fluttershy and he simply fell on the blade because, to ponies, the fact that Fluttershy was a cereal murderer was completely psychologically impossible for them, a fact they usually forgot about, along with their lost friend, family member, worst enemy, et cetera overnight.
Yeah, she got that knife from a cereal box a few years back when knives were acceptable playthings for all children.
I blinked. “Well, that accelerated quickly.”
Fluttershy’s smile snapped back to normal. “N-now, where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do?”
“Let’s go somewhere that ponies aren’t likely to get in my lens and I can focus on you.”
I followed Fluttershy into the woods, where she jabbed a gun into my neck.
“Gimme my money,” she muttered, “and no one gets hoyt.”
“No.”
Huh. I died again.
And that was how I woke up here, in a yellow pool of gelatine. I looked around and saw a pony who was a tree, a tree named Fluttershy.
Her roots dug down into the gelatine and pulled me out.
“Write this down, slave,” she said sweetly, “and you won’t die again.”
I smiled. "Flushy."
Huh. I died again. Again.