//------------------------------// // Epilogue // Story: Runnin' On Empty // by AlwaysDressesInStyle //------------------------------// “Mr. France, sir.” “How can I help you, Miss Sparkle?” “My friends and I made a list of suggestions on how to improve NASCAR to help fix your sagging ratings.” Brian snatched the list out of the unicorn's magical aura and scanned it. “Apple fritters instead of hot dogs and burgers and apple cider instead of beer?” “Heh, that was Applejack's idea. She's more than willing to sell you the apples, too.” “Of course." Brian continued scanning the list. He raised an eyebrow at the next item. “New uniforms?” “Oh yes, Rarity was quite adamant about that. See, your current attire is lacking, how shall we say, visual appeal. She's quite certain your ratings will go up if your drivers, crew members, and officials all start dressing stylishly. And she's offered her services as well. She also thinks she can design the seats in the grandstand to be much more ergonomic.” “Of course,” Brian rolled his eyes. The ponies were trying to make money. It would be cute if it wasn't infuriating. “Pinkie's vision is a bit more abstract. She thinks the tires should all be discontinued and replaced with giant doughnuts. With sprinkles and cream filling.” “Let me guess, she owns a bakery?” “Well, not quite. She just works at one.” “Of course,” Brian dismissed this idea as well. “Anything else?” “Fluttershy suggested making the engines quieter.” “I'll look into reducing horsepower in the engines. Is that all?” Twilight sighed. “No. Rainbow Dash had a very long list of suggestions on how to make the races more interesting. Most of them are dubious at best.” “I'll look them over,” he said, dismissing the unicorn mare. As soon as the door to his office shut he pitched the suggestion list into the trash. The nightmare was finally over; he had no intention of propagating it. “Well, this has been an interesting, and somewhat traumatizing, experience, but I’d very much like to return to my library now.” “So how do we get home, Twilight?” “I have no idea, Applejack. I don’t even know how we got here in the first place!” “Eh, don’t worry about it. We can all stay at my place until we figure it out.” “Pinkie, your place is in Ponyville. And it isn’t even your place, it belongs to the Cakes!” “That’s 'cause I spent all my money buying a house here. Sheesh, Twilight, do you honestly think I blow everything I earn on sweets and party supplies?” Twilight opened her mouth but no sounds came out. The pink pony had effectively blown her mind. “Wait, if you can come here and go home any time you please, can’t you just take us all with you?” “Silly Dashie! That’s not how the fourth wall works. But don’t worry; you’ll get the hang of it long before Twilight does. She might be stuck here. It’s not really a logical thing. It’s more a you can make it happen if you believe in it thing…” “So where is your house, anyway?” “New Jersey! It’s gonna be a long walk.” “Mr. France, sir.” “Yes?” Brian looked up from the list of revisions to the rulebook he was working on. The alterations banning magic and flying needed to be in place before the following week’s race in Bristol, Tennessee, otherwise there would be at least a dozen teams sporting pit crews comprised entirely of unicorns and pegasi in order to shave precious seconds off their pit stops. In a high dollar sport like NASCAR every single advantage was exploited early and often. It was his job to ensure that those gaps in the rulebook were closed as quickly as possible. “The ratings for the Las Vegas race are in.” “And?” “They’re higher than the Daytona 500, sir.” “Just how much higher?” “We have the second highest rated program of the year to date. The Super Bowl edged us out, but it was closer than you might think.” Brian France swore and dug the list of suggestions out of the trash can. After studying it intently he declared, “Call Bruton Smith. I want a loop added to Bristol before the race next weekend. And it needs to be on fire… Also, I want a jump over sixteen school buses and something called 'Daring Do's Boulder of Doom' rolling down pit road at random.” Bill Elliott took the opportunity to retire once and for all. He continued mentoring his son, Chase, who eventually moved up to the Sprint Cup Series to great success. Pinkie Pie had a doozy before leaving, and she advised Denny Hamlin to let Joey Logano win the California race to avoid a particularly hard crash. Kyle Busch was released from jail with a slap on the wrist. He paid the fine and was back in time for the race at Bristol. Jeff Gordon bought a ranch and retired from driving to genetically alter horses into unicorns. He was unsuccessful and returned to racing in time for the 2014 season. Kurt Busch was suspended for one race due to his actions on pit road and forced to undergo more anger management counseling. It was still ineffective. He vowed to spend the off-season volunteering at a local animal shelter. In particular euthanizing as many of the little animals as humanly possible. Dale Earnhardt Junior took Rarity's advice and eventually won a series championship of his own. Jimmie Johnson was forced to miss two races to undergo psychiatric evaluation. He still made the Chase and ended up winning his sixth championship despite all odds. Right after the season ended he received a visit from the Stork. Inside was a bright pink foal sporting hair suspiciously similar to his own. Jimmie hasn't been seen since... As for Tony Stewart? Well Tony’s still Tony. He was the only one of the drivers to walk away completely unchanged from the experience.