Lunatic
Chapter 1 - Head in a Fountain
A mare walking to the market noticed that something had its head in the town fountain. She walked up to it and poked it, asking, "Sir, are you ok?"
The thing in question jumped up into the air and yelled in the mare's face. She fainted shortly afterwards.
The creature then took a big breath of air and said, "Oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and argon! Everything is ffffffffffffffffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeWHOO!"
It sped through the streets, knocking over stands and landing its head against the back wall of the Sugarcube Corner. He then started eating random bits of garbage.
Mr. Cake walked out with a bunch of burned cupcakes on a tray and noticed the creature eating their ruined vegetable pot pie from last week. "Hey!"
"No!" the creature said, grabbing the tray from Mr. Cake. "Have you no soul?! Save an Arm Maggedon today!"
"What are you-"
The creature downed the tray of cupcakes, then the tray itself, then said, "Thank you for your kind donation!" The creature then ran off.
It pranced until it ran into Big Mac, who happened to be carrying a large cart of apples. After colliding with the big stallion, the creature began eating apples from the cart furiously. Big Mac was also furious, but not in the same way. He tipped the cart over so the creature fell out, along with the apples.
"Hey!" The creature yelled at the red stallion. "You got somethin' against a guy who wants to eat some apples? Can't a guy eat some apples in peace?!"
"Eenope," Big Mac said.
"I have the right to eat apples! It's not like you're gonna sell these apples for any other reason, are ya?!"
"Eeyup."
"Well, I think I'm entitled to be able to eat when I want with what I want! Ain''t it a free country? Huh?!"
"Eenope."
Getting in Big Mac's face, the creature said, "Eeyup, eenope, eeyup, eenope, eeyupeenopeeyupeenopeeeyupeenopeEEYUPEENOPEEEYUPEENOPEEEYYAAAA!!! AAH!! IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY?! IS THAT THE ONLY THING YOU'RE EVER GONNA SAY, TO ANYONE?! IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?! DID YOUR MOMMY TELL YOU THAT? YOUR MOMMY TELL YOU, 'SON, ALL YOU'RE GONNA SAY IS EEYUP AND EENOPE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?!' HUH?! IS THAT WHAT SHE SAID TO YOU?! IS THAT IT?! AND I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS ALIVE AND LIVING, IF YOUR GIVE ME 'EENOPE' AS AND ANSWER, I WILL TAKE THIS CART AND SLAM IT AGAINST YOUR HEAD CONTINUOUSLY UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF IT, DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?!?!?!?
Big Mac stammered and said, "E-ee.......eeyup?"
Screaming, the creature, true to his word, took the cart and continuously slammed it into Big Mac's head until the only thing left was a bunch of wood chips.
"Now sit there," the creature said, "and think about what you've done!! Hmph!" And with that, the creature pranced off.
-------Insert Show's Intro Here-------
The creature was running through town when it noticed Fluttershy feeding a bunch of pigeons. It ran up to the flock, waving his arms and yelling, "FLY!! BE FREE!!"
The pigeons quickly flew away as the creature was rolling on the ground, laughing like crazy. Fluttershy gave him a stern look and told him, "That wasn't nice!"
In a millisecond, the creature was right in Fluttershy's face. "So?" it asked.
"U-um," Fluttershy said, quieter, "Th-that wasn't very nice."
"One more time? I can't hear you." The creature said, getting closer and sticking its ear in her face.
"Th-that wasn't very....." Fluttershy's voice trailed off until the creature couldn't hear even a decibel.
"Um, just one bit of advice?" The creature said. "SPEAK UP!!!!!!!"
Fluttershy, now afraid, quickly backed away with her hooves placed over her ears.
"Because, y'know, if someone can't hear you, then they can't make out what you're saying! Huh? Doesn't that make sense?! HUH?!"
Fluttershy said nothing as she shook with fear. The creature just shrugged and pranced off while humming "Let it Go".
He then came across Rarity, who was carrying a rack of many dresses, which our creature friend happened to run into. When he came out, he was wearing one of the dresses.
"Hmm," it said, "nice around the waist, but it feels too big in the butt and tight in the chest. What is this, the Victorian era?"
Rarity, trying to get her dresses in order, grumbled and said, "That dress happens to be made by me, sir!"
"Frankly, my dear," the creature said before tearing off the dress, "I don't care." He gave her a kiss on the forehead, said "Meep meep!" then yet again ran off.
After nearly half a day of trying to deal with his antics, everypony in town was angrily looking for this bizarre creature. Ponies searched every nook and cranny, but he always seemed to appear when and where they least expected.
And thus, we come upon Twilight Sparkle (about time too), who was walking through the market. She noticed many shops closing down, and the ones that were open were looking around furiously into the crowds like they were looking for someone.
As she passed by a jewelry shop, the shopkeeper kicked the creature out, who happened to shout "Oh, my jewels!" He landed right on Twilight, and their eyes meet as the creature stared at her. "Well hello, fair lady.
Twilight moved the creature off of her as a crowd of angry ponies approached them. "There he is!!" one of the ponies shouted.
"Ok, you got me. Now what was it your were planning on doing?" The creature asked. The ponies suddenly got a look of confusion, and murmured amongst themselves. The creature smirked and said, "I thought so."
"What is going on here?" Twilight asked.
"He beat up my big brother!" Applejack said, carrying Big Mac, who's head was wrapped in bandages.
"He might as well be a mute!" The creature said.
"He tore my dress apart!!" Rarity said, holding up the two pieces of her torn-up dress.
"It was a piece of trash anyway!" the creature said.
"He was eating my garbage!" Mr. Cake said.
"Was that really a bad thing?" the creature asked.
"Well......not really, no."
"H-he scared away the-" Fluttershy started to say, but very quietly. The creature ran up to her face again and shouted, "SPEAK UP!!" Fluttershy went back to her groveling position again.
"Hey!" Twilight said to the creature, "Don't scare her!"
"Hey! Don't scare her!" The creature mimicked, somehow perfectly imitating her voice.
"Stop that!"
"Stop that!"
"This isn't funny you know!"
"This isn't funny, you know!"
She stopped for a moment, and tried to speak quickly, and both ended up simultaneously saying, "A B C D E F G 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Princess Celestia Candace Luna Nightmare Moon Queen Chrysalis King Sombre Discord Sunset Shimmer AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!"
Twilight held her head in anger and frustration as the creature yet again was rolling on the ground, laughing. Applejack then pinned him to the ground angrily.
"Somepony oughta teach you a few manners, mister!" she said.
"Whoa, girl! I haven't known you that long!" The creature said. "What's your name, anyway?"
"Well, I'd never!" Rarity said.
"Uh, yeah. You would," the creature retorted.
"What?! Where did you ever get that idea?!"
"Well, with the dresses and gems all around, you kinda reek of, oh, I dunno, DESPERATION!!"
Ponies gasped. Rarity was starting to whimper as the creature put on a baseball cap and said, "What, are you gonna cry? Are you gonna cry now?!"
Applejack tried to buck him from behind but the creature grabbed her hind legs and slammed her into the ground. Hard. "Ow......," she moaned.
"'Teach me a few manners!' Sure, says the pony who'd attack someone from behind and not even have the decency to let the pony see what hit them!"
All of a sudden, the creature was magically frozen in a block of ice.
"That," Twilight said, "is enough of that."
"Thanks, Twilight," Applejack said, getting up. "Now what do we do with this thing?"
"More importantly," Twilight said, "WHAT is this thing?"
-------Commercial Break-------
Back at Twilight's library, five of the element holders were staring at the strange creature encased in the ice block in front of them.
"So, is it some kinda of changeling-pony hybrid or something?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Last time we saw changelings, I'm pretty sure that they didn't have claws instead of hooves," Rarity said.
"Oh! Maybe it's a sorta bat-changeling-pony-hairless cat hybrid!!" Pinkie Pie said, randomly (as usual).
The others just looked at her awkwardly. "Why would it be a-"
"It has the ears of a bat, the teeth of a changeling, the body of a pony, and the hairlessness of a hairless cat!"
They still looked at her awkwardly. "Ah don't think it's any of those things, Pinkie," Applejack said.
"More importantly," Rarity interjected, "there are hairless cats?!"
"Yes, there are," Twilight said, furiously looking through anything in her library on creatures mythical, fictional, or real. "But there isn't anything in my books that either relates to or looks like whatever this creature is! It's either the last of an unknown species or the first of a new kind."
"Oh! Maybe we should ask him!" Pinkie suggested.
"Nu-uh!" Applejack said, "We ain't lettin' that crazy thing out to let it create more havoc!"
"What did this thing do, anyway?" Rainbow Dash asked.
After retelling the events from earlier on, Rainbow said, "Hah! That's nothing I can't handle! I can take anything he can throw at me!"
"Oh, yes he can! He has EVIL ways!!" Rarity said, exaggerating.
"Come on, thaw him out and I'LL talk some sense into him!" Rainbow said, rubbing the ends of her hoofs together.
"We can even throw a, wait for it......," Pinkie said, trying to build suspense.
"A party-" Fluttershy started to say.
"A PARTY!!!" Pinkie shouted, with a bunch party decorations appearing out of nowhere.
Everyone just looked at her with blank stares.
"Let's just make sure nothing gets out of control," Twilight said. With magic, she thawed the ice cube, releasing the creature.
"Took ya long enough!! You do realize that I was alive in that thing, right? And freezing, too!!"
Rainbow Dash went up to the creature with a stern look. "Listen here, bub! Don't think that you can go around doing what you want-"
"Oh, and you think YOU can?"
"Well, yeah! I'm the fastest flier in Equestria!"
The creature looked at you and said, "How many times has she said that, kids? Like, over 100 or something?"
"Who are you talking to?"
"You think you're so good? Carry me!"
"What? You think I can't carry a stick like you?"
"Because you can't."
"I can too! Hop onto my back!"
"REALLY poor choice of words, girl." And with that, the creature hopped onto her back, and she felt to the ground instantly.
She struggled to move even a muscle as the creature sat on her back. "H-how much do you w-weigh?!" she yelled. "Oh, about 250. Why? Can't handle it?" "N-no! I can take it!"
She was barely able to get a millimeter off the ground before she shouted, "I can't carry him! Get him off!! GET HIM OFF!!"
The creature simply stood up, and Dash was able to lift herself off the ground again. "And that, kids," the creature said to you, "is why you should never make a bet!"
"*ahem* Excuse, sir," Twilight said, "but I think we got off on the wrong hoof. I-"
"Foot," the creature interrupted.
"Sorry?"
"The term is 'got off on the wrong foot.'"
"No, it's 'got off on the wrong HOOF.'"
"No, it isn't. Your species just took whatever was in the English language and replaced words with horse terms to make phrases sound cute."
The six mares stared at the creature for a moment. "What are you even talking about?" Twilight asked.
"Something that, when you realize the truth, will blow your mind."
"...........In any case, I believe we need to be properly introduced. I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle!" She held out a hoof towards the creature.
"Arm Maggedon!" the creature said, gripping Twilight's hoof and shaking it as if it were a piece of bacon.
"U-u-uh-" She took her hoof away before asking, "What was your name?"
"My name IS Arm Maggedon! Pleased to meet you, lovely to make your acquaintance, blah blah blah bluh BLEH!!!"
"Like the mythical point of time, Armageddon?"
"Exactly! Except the Arm is taken out and it's two g's instead of d's. Remember that now, there'll be a pop quiz later."
"Uh, right," Twilight said. "Mr. Maggedon-"
"Call me Arm."
"Uh, ARM, why were you running around town causing mischief, beating up ponies with carts-"
"A pony with A cart," Arm interrupted.
"Tearing up ponies' dresses and either insulting them or scaring them?"
"That's easy! Because I wanted to."
The mane six all looked at each other.
"Just cuz you wanted to?" Applejack asked.
"Yup."
"Without any regard for anypony's feelings?" Rarity asked.
"AnyBODY. And yes."
Again, silence fell upon the room.
"Can we ask why?"
"Because," Arm said, "Ain't it fun to laugh at people's misery?"
"PONY'S," Twilight corrected righteously, "and no, it isn't!"
"So you're telling me," Arm said, suddenly close to her, "that you've never laughed at a pony getting humiliated or getting a pie in the face or nothing?"
"No, I-"
Before Twilight was able to say anything else, Arm smashed a random pie in her face, then slammed one into his. Applejack couldn't help but snicker a little at the ridiculous sight.
"AHA!!" Arm said, pointing to Applejack. "See! It's a natural thing! People laugh at the faults and misery of others!"
"No," Twilight said, wiping pie from her face with magic, "they DON'T."
"You're really gonna say that after Applejack already proved you wrong?" He pointed to Applejack, who now had a humiliating look on her face.
"Mr. Maggedon-" Rarity started to say.
"Call me Arm."
"Ok, 'Arm', would it be too much to ask if you stop these antics?"
"It wouldn't be too much to ask! But I'm not going to."
"Um.....can I ask WHY you won't?"
"Sure!"
There was silence for moment.
"Um....why won't you?" Rarity asked.
"I just don't want to."
"....Why?" they all asked.
"Because, girls, THIS," Arm said, pointing to himself, "is probably the only life I'm gonna have. I might as well have fun!
"Like parties!" Pinkie Pie cheered.
"NO!" Arm yelled, going right up to Pinkie's face. "NO parties! I HATE parties!"
"B-but-"
"They're stupid ways to try to either get people together to talk to each other, and I don't want to even know a single being in this town! Except you." He pointed to Twilight.
"Wait, wha-" Twilight started to say.
"They're also stupid stupid ways to try to introduce someone to a whole town, who, when you REALLY think about it, probably doesn't even want to know the new guy! HM?!?!?!" He looked furiously at Pinkie Pie.
"B-but-"
"NO BUTS! No whats, no buts, no coconuts!! You aren't helping anyone or are going to MAGICALLY," he waved his hands in the air, "change them or make them your best friend just by throwing some stupid unnecessary positively pointless PARTY!!"
Pinkie's hair deflated a little. "B-b-but-"
"AAAARRRGGGHHH!!" Arm yelled, "What part of this are you not getting?! It's like being on a gameshow and you're trying to guessing what's in the box when there's nothing in the box!!"
".....B-"
"What's in this box?!" Arm said, holding up a random box.
"Ooo!" Pinkie said, lightening up, "Is it a-"
"NOTHING!!!" Arm yelled, slamming the box on Pinkie's head. "absolutely NOTHING!!!"
He started pointing to all of them and yelled, "STUPID!! You're all so STUPID!!!" before slamming his head on a table.
The room became silent. Pinkie, from inside the box, started sniffling.
"Mr. Maggedon," Twilight said firmly, "I believe you owe Pinkie Pie and apo-"
"Leave me alone, I need space," Arm said, his face planted firmly on the desk.
"You need to-"
"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!" Arm yelled in almost a demon-like voice. The mares quickly ran out of the library, leaving Arm to himself.
"Wait a minute," said Rainbow Dash to Twilight, "did he just kick us out of YOUR library?"
"Apparently so," Twilight said, a tone of defeat in her voice.
"What ARE we going to do with that, dare I say it, INSANE being?!" Rarity said. "It's so random it could have Ponyville burned to the ground in a week!" She im the terrifying scenario in her head.
"I don't think it will go THAT far, Rarity," Twilight reassured. "While he is seemingly insane-"
"Seemingly?!" the other five yelled.
"Ok, he IS crazy. But he also seems to have a certain level of intelligence that is probably keeping him from harming anypony."
"AHEM." Applejack glared at Twilight.
"At least, to a point where they are not SERIOUSLY injured."
"THAT'S IT!!!" Pinkie Pie yelled, ripping the box off of her face, taking everypony by surprise. "We'll prove him wrong! We'll make the most super duper absolutely positively awesomest most amazing *someone insert more adjectives here; I'm getting lazy* party EVER! AND HE WILL LOVE IT!!!!"
Everpony became silent for a moment.
"You know, maybe if he actually experiences a party," Twilight said, "because I somehow doubt that he's ever been to one, maybe he'll lighten up to Ponyville."
"But what makes you so sure he'll follow through?" Applejack said, looking inside. Arm still had his head face down on a desk.
"I-" Twilight stared to say.
"He'll like it!!" Pinkie yelled. "He'll like and we'll become best friend ponies FOREVER!"
"Pinkie, what if he-"
"HE'LL LIKE IT!!!" Pinkie yelled, a frighteningly determined look on her face.
"Ok! Ok! He'll like it!"
And so the three mares, undetermined (excepted for Pinkie) headed to get the party set up.
-------Commercial Break-------
It was nearing nighttime now, and Arm was still prancing around Ponyville. He happened to go right up to a big sign that had a red arrow that he was supposedly supposed to go in the direction of. Unfortunately, that will remain unknown as he happened to smash into the sign, getting extremely angry and then proceeded to tear the poor sign apart. Twilight, who was hiding in a nearby bush with Spike, groaned at the sight of her seemingly fool-proof plan failing miserably.
Apologies for this extremely detailed narrating, I get that way sometimes at night.
After prancing around a little more, Rarity stepped in front of Arm. She threw her mane back and said, "Oh, THERE you are, Mr.....um, Maggedon! I was wondering if you would be so kind-"
"No," Arm said.
"What?"
"I will not be kind."
"......Very well, would you do me a favor-"
"No."
"What now?"
"I won't do you a favor."
Rarity was (of course) getting irritated. "Would you PLEASE help me with-"
"No."
"What now?!"
"I won't help you."
Rarity was so angry steam was coming out of her ears. "You just won't do anything for a pretty lady, will you?!"
"Well, nothing for a mare who claims she's pretty."
"What does that- UGH! Nevermind!" Rarity trotted off angrily, completely forgetting about what she was supposed to do.
Arm pranced around some more (and yes, he's entertained by this somehow) when Rainbow Dash flew up next to him.
"Hey skinny!" she said. "I bet you can't beat me in a race!"
"I bet I can't."
Silence.
"Well, I bet I can go to the Sugarcube Corner before you can!"
"You know what I bet?" Arm asked. "I bet that you're too chicken to go to that stupid bakery right now, order a 1000 freaking cupcakes, and eat nothing but those 1000 cupcakes for the next few days until they're all gone!"
"What?! I can't do that-"
"Translation, you WON'T do that, because you're afraid of the consequences! You say you've been to the danger zone, but the truth is, you've never even gone out of the danger zone, have you?"
Rainbow Dash was confused. "Wait, what are you-"
"In conclusion, you don't want to do it because you are self-righteous and too much of a coward to go outside your comfort zone." He then used his claw to seal her lips like a zipper. "This conversation is over."
Dash sat there for a moment, mumbling about what Arm said.
The moon was in the sky now, and Arm was still prancing through the empty streets of Ponyville.
Suddenly, something zipped by, bopping Arm on the head.
"Tagyou'reit!!" a high-pitched voice said.
Arm looked around angrily for the source of such a bopping, only to receive another one soon after.
"Tagyou'reit!"
Arm was now at the "Don't make me angry" stage, and searched with a hunter's precision for the unseen creature.
Then Pinkie Pie bopped his head so hard his face hit the ground.
"Tag! You're it! Now you have to ca-"
All of a sudden, Arm got off the ground and started yelling like a deranged madman. He looked at the pink pony with eyes that said "Kill!" and immediately ran after her.
-------Scene Change-------
Meanwhile, at the Sugarcube Corner, ponies were waiting nervously to surprise the pony-changeling....thing.
Twilight noticed Rarity and Rainbow Dash looking unhappy. "What's wrong?" she asked the both of them. "Don't ask," they both said back.
Spike took one of the cookies from a tray and at it as he waited. "Twilight, are you sure this is gonna work?"
"It will, Spike," she answered with determination. "If there's one pony who can get anypony's attention, it's-"
Suddenly, the door crashed open, and Pinkie Pie skid along the floor.
"Pinkie Pie!"
Arm stomped in angrily. The poor pink mare's mane completely deflated. She never looked so scared in her whole life.
"Listen to me, and listen GOOD, buster!!" he yelled. "If you so much as lay ONE HAIR of your fur on me, you better write to mommy and daddy, because it'll be the last time you see their names!!"
Ponies gasped. Some fainted. Pinkie was on the floor, unable to come up with anything to say.
"Arm!" Twilight yelled. "You're scaring-"
"If you so much as say my name to me," Arm continued yelling at Pinkie, "I will hunt you down, AND GUT YOU LIKE A FREAKING FISH!! DO YOU GET ME!?!?!?!"
"Arm!! I said-"
"I will make sure you suffer by tearing apart every recipe you ever made right before you're eyes! I'll burn, bury, and rip apart your stinkin' pastries as if they were-"
He was suddenly lifted and slammed into the wall by Twilight's magic.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!!" the alicorn yelled. "I have had just about enough of your behavior! Words can't even begin to describe how poorly you've behaved since you got to Ponyville! You make enemies out of everyone, you make fun of ponys' weakest points, and even when we open our arms and welcome you, you hurt us as if we're dolls!!!"
".....So?" Arm said, immobile.
"Why?!" Twilight asked, almost pleading. "Why do you act like this?"
"Let's just say that I've had a sad and pitiful life that would be a story too long for this episode. I've never needed friends, neighbors, or anyone THEN, and I certainly do not need them NOW."
"But we can welcome anyone to the pony community-"
Arm mimicked that last sentence. "Did you ever get the idea that I don't want to be part of your community? Huh? Ever thought about that?"
"No, I haven't," Twilight said. "But that doesn't give you permission to stay around here and mess with ponies as you please. If you were just passing by, fine. But if you're staying here for a long time, then you're going to have to know this community like I do."
"And if I don't?" Arm asked.
Twilight looked around at her audience. "I think everypony would be happy to escort you to the town limits. Maybe even carry you there."
Arm was silent for a moment. He finally sighed and said, "Fine."
"Really?!"
"Yes, really."
"Oh thank you-" She stopped herself before she hugged him or anything. "*ahem* Thank you, for at least trying."
"Yeah, yeah- HOLY SMOKES THAT CAKE!!"
Arm gazed upon the 5-decker cake that sat on a table.
"You like it?" Pinkie Pie asked cheerfully. "I made it myself-"
"This is for earlier!" Arm said before throwing the pink pony out the window. He then literally dived at the cake, getting frosting all over himself and eating it messily. Ponies left him to his own space as he gorged upon the chocolate delight.
-------
"Dear Princess Celestia,
Today, I learned a lesson about newcomers. Sometimes, they might not act like everyone else. They might not be bright, they might be crazy. But one thing is for certain. Sometimes, the best way of dealing with it is too keep your arms open, and explain the importance of the community to them. Otherwise, they might have a hard time on their own!
Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight sent out the letter as she glanced over at Arm, who was covered in frosting, twitching in his sleep, and mumbling random things that related to cake.
End of Part 1