//------------------------------// // 13: Let's kill Hitler // Story: The Jolly Rogers // by lockheed //------------------------------// ~~~ Quick note. During the wedding the following will colored; Will singing is green, Sabre is red, and both singing together is pink. ~~~ “So, Mrs. Jones, how is married life treatin’ ya so far?” “Very nice.” We looked at all the guests in the ballroom as one of the waiters refilled my champagne glass. “Will the bride and groom please step out to the dance floor for their first dance?” Thunderstreak and I stood up and made our way to the dance floor while Stardust’s orchestra flipped to the right page in their music books. Thunderstreak flew up to my level and when we had gotten adjusted the band began to play Moonlight Serenade. “Say, isn’t this the first song we actually danced to at the gala?” “Yes it is. I managed to talk Glenn into playing it for our first dance.” “That’s so sweet.” When the song ended the sound of applause nearly made us all deaf. There was a sudden squeak from the microphone and we all looked to see Sabre and Will on the stage with a microphone for each of them. “So, today I gained a new dad, my mom gained a new husband, and this nation gained a new most loved couple. To celebrate this occasion, Will Donavan and I would like to perform a song just for them.” “Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall Like the seashore clings to the sea Like you'll never get rid of your shadow Will, you'll never get rid of me “Let all the others fight and fuss Whatever happens, we've got us. “Me and my shadow We're closer than pages that stick in a book We're closer than ripples that play in a brook Strolling down the avenue Wherever you find him, you'll find me, just look Closer than a miser or the bloodhound's to Liza Me and my shadow We're closer than smog when it clings to L.A. We're closer than Bobby is to J.F.K. Not a soul can bust this team in two We stick together like glue “And when it's sleeping time That's when we rise We start to swing Swing to the skies Our clocks don't chime What a surprise They ring-a-ding-ding! Happy New Year! “Me and my shadow And now to repeat what I said at the start They'll need a large crowbar to break us apart We're alone but far from blue “Before we get finished, we'll make the town roar We'll make all the late spots, and then a few more We'll wind up at Jilly's right after Toot's Shore Life is gonna be we-wow-whee! Here comes the party! For my shadow and me!” “Say Will?” “What is it, Sabre?” “Do me a favor?” “What do you want, now?” “Would you mind taking it, just one more time?” “From the top?” “No! From the ending!” “Wonderful!” “And while we are swinging, to mention a few We'll drop in at Danny's, The Little Club too But wind up at Jilly's, whatever we do Life is gonna be we-wow-whee! Wow! For my shadow and me!" “Will?” “Oh, forget it Sabre.” "Alright." The crowd roared with approval and they bowed before stepping down from the stage. We applauded with the crowd and went back to our seats at the table. Taking a sip of the champagne I smiled at Thunderstreak next to me. “So what do ya think? Beautiful wedding isn’t it?” “It is. And it’s nice you got Stardust to play our song.” “You’re gonna have to put up with me for life so I felt it was necessary.” “James, how long do humans normally live.” “Well my grandpa lived to seventy so we can go for a while. What about ponies?” “It’s, uh, about the same.” “Thunderstreak, don’t lie.” “Fine, it’s well past a hundred. Just look at Granny Smith. Applejack said that mare would probably out live the lot of ‘em.” “So I’m gonna go way before you. But promise me one thing.” “What?” “When I get old and I either can’t wipe my ass or remember where I am, just take me out in a field and shoot me.” “If I don’t shoot you in a few months when I’m fat and moody.” “I hope not.” Something out of the corner of my eye got my attention and I saw it was Pinkie and a grey pegasus mare both sticking their heads into the chocolate fountain. “Will ya look at that?” The remark got the attention of Rainbow Dash who cringed at the sight. “Uh, James, Thunderstreak, I feel I need to tell you that those two are dangerous. Especially with that much sweets in their systems.” We looked again and saw Pinkie standing there with her head covered in chocolate, shaking uncontrollably while the grey pegasus hovered above the other ponies. “Derpy, come down.” Dash shouted up to her. “Are you threatening me? I am the great derpholio!” “Oh sweet Celestia, not this again.” Muttered an annoyed Rainbow Dash as she flew up to bring the mare down. We all watched the spectacle above us but a hoof poking me in the shoulder drew my attention away. Behind us stood Sabre, a note held in his magic. “Can we talk?” “Sure. Honey, I’ll be right back.” “Alright sweetie.” Thunderstreak replied as she watched Derpy try to bite Rainbow Dash. Sabre and I dodged ponies rushing to see the mid-air drama and made our way into the hallway. “So, what’s up?” “I enlisted.” “You what?!” “I joined the army. You’re now looking at Specialist Fifth Class Sabre Rattle.” “Aw hell no. I’m talking Celestia into getting you a discharge, now.” “No, dad, I asked the princesses for this. I get to be in a tank division to perform for them.” “So you’re an enlisted show pony?” “Yep.” “No combat?” “Nope.” “Then that makes it a lot better, but you’re gonna have to tell mom.” “Alright.” “Just do me a favor, tell her tomorrow cause I have to go to Honoluna. I don’t want to be anywhere near Ponyville when that bombshell drops.” “Alright. What time do you have to leave?” “Plane takes off at ten.” “Then I’ll tell her at ten o one so the shockwave will get you there faster.” “Thanks kid. Now, let’s go see if Dash got Derpy down yet.” We walked into the ballroom and found the situation over and ponies going back to what they had been doing before. As we walked through the room I heard an animal like sound behind me before a cheerful “Hey dad!” Turning around I saw Lancaster sitting on top of a large bird with a can of soda in his hoof. “Uh, what ya got there?” “A soda.” “I think he’s talking about the gigantic bird.” Sabre deadpanned. “Oh, this is Marvin. He’s an ostrich.” “Two questions. Why and how?” “Because ostriches are cool and Princess Luna gave him to me.” “God damn it Luna. Can this wedding get any weirder?” “I don’t know. Come on Marvin.” Lancaster began to ride away but something else got our attention. Behind him on the ostrich, sitting quietly, was a duck. “I have really got to stop asking if things can get weirder. This place is starting to take it as a challenge.” “Never question the motives of a party princess and a seven year old. Those two will be just as confusing as Pinky.” Taking my seat at the table I chugged the rest of the champagne and told the waiter to get me a beer. “What’s up with you?” “Oh, you’ll find out tomorrow after I leave honey.” “What does that mean?” “You’ll find out.” “James, tell me or I swear to the gods I will castrate you with a rusty kitchen knife.” “Ask Sabre, but for all that is holy don’t do that to me.” “Fine, I’ll go ask him.” As soon as she was out of ear shot I turned to the four men next to me. “You boys bring the helmets?” They all produced an army helmet and an extra for me. “Helmets on.” The helmets plunked onto our heads and we waited. “You what!!!” The room seemed to shake as Thunderstreak’s voice rose above all others in the room. “All clear.” We took off the helmets as Thunderstreak stormed back to the table. “So, how’d it go?” “I will fucking end you.” “I’ll take that as not good. Honey, he’ll be fine.” “I know but, accidents can happen.” “Hon, read my lips. He will be fine.” “But what if something happens? A show pony can easily be switched to active duty.” “I’ll do everything in my power to make sure he’s fine.” “You better.” ~~~~~ 11:00 Hours Haywaii Time Honoluna, Haywaii R.N.S. Phoenix December 9, 1986 ~~~~~ Captain Regal Knight led me down the deck of the mammoth battleship sitting in Honoluna harbor. “So captain, what is the top speed of this vessel?” “Twenty one knots.” The sailors stood at attention along the railing as we continued down the deck. “General, what are you here for again?” “Princess Celestia has appointed me her military tactical advisor and I am to visit the main fleets and most major bases. That includes Honoluna and the battle fleet.” “Fine. But I want you off my ship as soon as possible.” “No problem captain. I think I’m done here.” Making my way down the gangplank by the second bow turret I stepped onto the PT boat that would take me to the next battleship. The small boat with seventy three painted on in white slowly pulled away from the ship and seemingly drifted to the Fillydelphia. The gangplank from the battleship dropped and the ponies aboard the PT boat went about tying it up as the commander of the Fillydelphia stood waiting for us at the top of the gangplank. Walking up I extended my hand to the elderly earth stallion who promptly brushed it aside. “Nice to see you too admiral.” “Don’t give me that shit general. I don’t like the air force and quite frankly I don’t like you.” “Aw, come on admiral. Tell me how you really feel.” “If you think I am above shoving you overboard you are sadly mistaken.” “Now admiral, the princess said you have to play nice with the other brass.” “I’m sixty one and cranky. Playing nice at my age is simply telling somepony to go fuck themselves.” “Nice to know. If you’re going to be like that I’ll just go.” “Good riddance.” Walking back down the gangplank I found my bucket seat on the PT boat and we set off for the docks so I could inspect the nearby air field. As we pulled up to the dock me and two others jumped from the boat to the floating, wooden platform and hurriedly tied the boat up. With that done I jogged up the steps at the end and climbed into the jeep sitting idling, waiting for me to tell the driver where to go. I gave the order and the jeep took off for Lighting Air Base where the first line of Haywaii’s defense against aerial enemies. Roaring through the gate we sped around a corner and screeched to a stop in front of a hangar with the number one painted on. “This is where the Colonel’s fighter is sir.” Climbing out of the jeep I walked through the open hangar doors towards the P-40 sitting in the middle of the hangar. Above, on the nose of the fighter, a sky blue earth pony lay with his hooves dug into the engine trying desperately to fix something. “Come on you stubborn son of a bitch!” He grunted before the cracked line came out and began to wildly spray oil all over. “Fuck! Someone, give me the tape!” He hollered as the oil began a relentless assault on him. Grabbing the roll of silver tape off the wing I tossed it up to him and he struggled for a moment before getting a piece of tape over the opening. “There. Now, you’re General Jones?” “Yep. I take it a cracked line in the engine?” “Yeah, fucking thing’s been giving me fits all week. Came to a head when that line sprayed oil on my windscreen last night. Had to lean out the cockpit to see the runway.” “Maybe I need to see about wipers for the fighters.” “Well after that incident I had the crew chief put a wiper off a wrecked bomber on there.” “Wise man. Look, I’m here on business so I’ll get strait to the point. How combat ready are your pilots?” “Very sir. I would personally swear on my life we could take on any plane the enemy has to throw at us.” “Really? Well as I’m sure you have been briefed on the threat that could be on its way here I want you to know that if your flyboys can’t protect this island than it’s your ass on trial.” “I will ensure that this island is safe as long as I am alive sir.” “Good man. Oh, and a suggestion, don’t park your fighters wingtip-to-wingtip. Makes ‘em easy targets.” “I’ll get on that sir. Now, if you excuse me, that tape ain’t going to hold.” He replied in an annoyed tone. He went back to his work and left me standing silent by the shark mouthed fighter. After a few moments I decided it was time to leave and made my way back to the jeep where the sergeant sat with a book in his magic grip. Climbing into the passenger seat I looked at him and still looking at his book he began to speak. “I hope he didn’t sell you on anything he said. Between me and you, the colonel’s the biggest liar on this rock.” “Naw, I could tell he’s a fucking liar. He couldn’t fool me.” “Good, good. So, where to sir?” “Hangar nine. If no one on this shit-hole island is gonna let me do my job than I’m going home. I have a pregnant wife and she got an appointment for tonight to check on the baby.” “Congrats sir.” “You have any kid’s sergeant?” “Two and another on the way, sir” “No need for that ‘sir’ stuff. Just call me James.” “Yes si- I mean yes James.” The jeep flew across the air field towards the hangar where my C-47 sat in the sun. When the jeep pulled up to the plane there was a stallion with a message from Canterlot. Taking the note as I hopped out of the jeep I began to read as I climbed the stairs and took my seat. To Major General James Jones General, earlier today we received a photograph from our informant in the Griffin Empire. In the photograph the human that you were unable to identify is clearly seen without his cap. The other generals and admirals have seen the photograph and the only one left is you. I will make sure the picture is on it's way when you get home. ~Princesses Celestia and Luna Folding the note up, I slipped it in my pocket and looked out the window at the runway that now sat below the plane. A few seconds later the engines let out a throaty roar and the transport began to roll down the runway. ~~~~~ 20:00 Hours Ponyville Hospital Room 43 ~~~~~ “Well, we got the results back.” The light brown stallion said as he walked into the room. From my position in the chair by the bed I could barely see the papers on his clip board. “So would you like the good news or the better news?” “Good news.” Thunderstreak and I replied in unison. “Well the baby is doing just fine. And so is the other one. Congratulations you two. You’re having twins!” “Twins?” We again said in unison. Suddenly I began to feel light headed and the world went black. Soon I woke up and saw Thunderstreak talking to the doctor. “So will he be fine?” “Mr. Cake did the same thing when we told them about their twins.” Sitting strait up as a ramrod I looked around the room and saw the only other two occupants of the room staring bewildered. “Welcome back to the land of the living sweetie.” “Nice to be back. I think I’m gonna go outside for some air.” “Alright.” Getting up from my seat I made my way down the quiet, bare hallway towards the front door. Passing the front desk I nodded at the nurse who gave a small but friendly smile. When I got outside I leaned against the wall by the door and pulled a cigar from my inside, chest pocket. Pulling a small box from my pocket I pulled a match out and ran it across the side of the box which set it ablaze with a small orange glow. Putting it to the cigar I waited for the couple of seconds it took to light before tossing the used match to the snow covered ground. Over the last few months I had learned to enjoy the tobacco from Equestria and its exotic flavor. Just as I tossed away the last bit of cigar the door opened and Thunderstreak trotted out. “You ready to go home?” “Yeah, too damn cold to be out.” “And Sabre had to foalsit for the Cakes since Pinkie left for that party convention in Manehattan so it’s just five of us.” “Typhoon still trying to get the attention that marine today?” “Yeah. How long before you think she realizes he bats for the other team?” “Who knows? I mean, you wouldn’t know that he does just by looking at him. Oh, well. She’ll figure it out.” As we walked along the streets of Ponyville we saw quite a few ponies still out and about at restaurants and shops. “What exactly is Hearths Warming? I know it’s coming up but what is it?” “I don’t know. We never really celebrated much when I was a filly. Mom was always at the bar so I wasn’t very concerned with holidays.” “Well I know just the thing. Christmas. We can celebrate two holidays in one month.” “Christmas?” “Yeah. When I was a kid we would always put up a tree and every Christmas morning there would be gifts under the tree and I would get a new model plane that me and dad would put together. Why don’t we do that?” “Sounds nice. And it would be nice to see how humans celebrate holidays.” “So it’s settled. We’ll celebrate Hearths Warming and Christmas.” The snow crunched under us as we walked through town but Thunderstreak decided we should detour by Sugarcube Corner to see if we could see how Sabre was doing. From our view as we passed all was quiet but if what I had heard about the Cake twins was true, he was in for one hell of a surprise later. A few minutes later we arrived at the house. Turning the key I heard the familiar click of the deadbolt and we stepped inside where heat from the fireplace washed over us. “Kids, we’re home!” “We’re in the kitchen!” Typhoon hollered back to us. Walking into the kitchen we saw them sitting at the table with homework spread out in front of them. “Dad, can you help me with maths?” “Sure Typhoon.” Plopping down in the chair next to her I looked at her worksheet in confusion. “When did they start adding letters to it?” I asked as I flipped through the packet. “Honey, this is Greek to me. I don’t know if I can help ya.” “Can you help me?” Lancaster asked from the far side of the table. “I’ll try.” I replied as I switched sides and looked over his paper. “So which one is it?” He pointed a hoof at number five. Looking down at the question I began to read aloud. “If Princess Luna has twenty guards to her detail and Princess Celestia has a third more, how many guards does Princess Cadence have? Wait, what? When the fuck did she get in there?” “I don’t know.” Leaning back in the chair I stared at the homework paper on the table dumbfounded. A sudden, frantic knocking on the door got my attention and, as usual, I was the one to answer the door. As soon as the door was open far enough a grey blur shot passed me into the house. “Dad?” “Son, we’ve gotta talk. Now.” “Ok. Office is where your room was.” I said as I lead him down the hall. It had been less than a week since he moved in with Amelia and things had calmed down around the house. Opening the door to the home office I led him to the oak desk by the right wall next to the window. He suddenly tossed a manila envelope onto the desk as I was about to sit. “What’s this?” “Just open it.” Flipping up the top of the envelope I reached inside and pulled out the contents. All that was inside were three pictures of a human who I had never planned to see. “Are these real?” “Taken two days ago in Gryphus at a socialist rally. Son, this man was presumed dead for the last eleven years I was on earth. There is no way we are letting him live on this planet.” “So what’s the plan?” “Way I see it; we need to send in a special operations team to kill this bastard.” “Alright, what the hell. Let’s kill Hitler.”