//------------------------------// // 10 - Let's Go Kidnap A Princess... Or at least, someone as important. // Story: But I AM Evil! // by TheNextGamer //------------------------------// Previously on But I Am Evil! Some shit happened, and then we danced. CUE THEME MUSIC! But I AM Evil! Episode 4: How To Get Money Fast Two days later, inside a diner in a place somewhere. I don't know, Fillydelphia or some shit like that.. It was a quiet and stereotypical fast food diner. You got the sassy, not-good-at-paying-attention-looking-at-hooves-all-the-time mare that only starts to get tolerable once you've become a regular and gotten to know her, you got the two southerners conversing with each other over perverted things and wagons, and that quiet business guy that only ever eats that one thing on the menu and has a crush on the mare behind the counter. It had been normal so far, with the only weird part being that weird monkey thing sitting in the corner table. But other than that, perfectly normal. And then this asshole showed up. He came in quietly, the only thing signaling his presence being the bell ringing on the door. He silently walked up to the mare behind the counter. The mare only glanced at him before looking back at her hooves, "Well, waddya want? You gonna order something or are ya just gonna sit there and stare? This ain't no peep show." "Actually, yeah, I am gonna order something." The guy replied in a gruff voice. Then suddenly, a bright green sword appeared out of nowhere, only inches from the mare's forehead. "I'm gonna order you to hoof over the bits, if you please." "AAAAAAH!" The screams of the mare quickly gained the attention of the others, as they watched the offender summon a big green sword, made of pure magic. Such magic could only be performed by a highly-skilled unicorn, meaning this guy was no ordinary robber. "NOPONY MOVE, THIS IS A STICK UP!" He waved the sword in front of him, causing the ponies to back away. "Unless you want your head sliced and diced, you stay away! Hurry up on those bits, you whorse!" He threw a bag at her, which she immediately threw piles of bits in. "Oh dear Celestia, I know you!" The quiet stallion who only ever eats that one thing on the menu and also has a crush on the mare behind the counter said. "You're Quick Buck! The most notorious thief in all of Equestria! You're the pony that's robbed six convenience stores in the last two years!" "Pfft, what?" "That's right! I'm the infamous outlaw of Equestria! I suggest that you all just do what I say, and you don't have to be any of my first victims! Capiche?" He growled, before yelling at the mare, "HURRY UP WITH THOSE BITS!" "Yessir!" She double-timed it. The innocent ponies of that diner prayed for a savior, a hero, somepony, anypony, to help them. ... The noisy squeak of the scraping chair filled the room. All eyes went towards the corner, as the weird monkey thing stood from its table, and slowly walked towards the robber. The robber aimed the sword at the thing before it got too close. "Stay back you freako! Or else I'll stick your head to a plaque and hang it on my wall!" "Uhuh, right." It deadpanned, before facing the mare behind the counter. "Excuse me miss, can you empty out that bag and lend it over to me when you're done?" It asked the mare. She only gave it a confused look. "Hey hey! What do you think you're doing?! Do you not see me waving around a big sword pointed at your face?" the crook said, doing just exactly that. "Oh, I just need an empty bag, so that I can carry home the unconscious body of this poor fucker here." The thing calmly answered, still facing the mare. "Is that a threat? You think you can threaten me?! You think, cause you're bigger than me, you can take me on?! WELL I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S THE BO-" *Pew!* *Snoring noises.* The creature, now holding some sort of weapon, spun it around its fingers and blew out the smoke, before tucking it back in his coat. The thief that was threatening everypony just moments ago had now dropped unconscious after getting hit by the creature's attack. The ponies in the diner stared in awe. Who was this creature? Where did it come from, and why was it here? Whatever it was, it must be a hero! "Hm..." It hummed to itself before asking, "Actually, can I keep 2 bits in that bag? I kinda want to try out that ice cream dessert that you're selling." "It wasn't as good as Rocky Road, but it was alright, I guess." I concluded, after explaining my morning adventure to my network construction-bot. "Jesus, I should really stop you from going on adventures in the morning." He replied, face-palming. In front of us was the main computer of the security room. All intelligence and information here, from inside or out, gets transferred here for analysis. The computer screen showed the live recording of our latest prisoner. He was tied to a chair, and had been quite rude during his time here. "YOU ********** I AM GONNA ********** WITH ALL ******* TO ALL OF YOUR ****** AND I WILL TAKE YOUR MOTHERS *************** WHILE SHOVING ****** ********** WITH MY *********-" *Flick* "..." "Phew, thank god for mute buttons." I chuckled, watching the prisoner thrash about in his chair. "Wait, isn't this a live feed? How are his words getting censored?" The computer interface suddenly showed an angry emoticon. "I don't like cussing." The emoticon disappeared just as briefly as it showed up. "Anyways, what do you have on him?" I coughed. "Well, we were only able to get a limited amount of background info, since apparently, the internet doesn't exist here. So, we're stuck with newspapers and books." He took a newspaper from under his desk, and unfolded it to show me the front cover. "Quick Buck, Notorious Outlaw. Wanted for robbery, thievery. and stealing-" "Isn't that all the same thing?" "50,000 bits reward if caught... So what do you think we should do with him?" "Hm... we are kinda short on money-" "We're flat out broke, actually." "Hm... I'm gonna need a minute to think about this. In the meanwhile..." I looked back up the screen, flicking on the microphone for the room. The prisoner had finally used up all his energy shouting to his heart's content, so now he was as limp as a marshmallow. "Attention guard-bots in the vicinity of the prison area. I will need some of you to prepare the prisoner for... the torture device." We watch as two guard-bots walk up to the prisoner, moved him into the next room, and held him down on the torturing table. "Whu, what are you freaks gonna do to me?! LET ME GO DAMMIT! What are you gonna do to me?!" Having somehow regained enough energy to thrash about again. "Oh you'll find out real soon. Muahahahaha!" I should consider doing voice acting, I sound god damn SMOOTH AS HELL. Soon, an operating table being pushed by a medic-bot wearing a surgeon’s mask wheeled into the room. I don't know what the mask was for, considering he's a robot. He opened the toolbox, and rummages around inside to find.... the torture device. "No, NONONONO, GET THE BUCK AWAY FROM ME DAMMIT! I AIN'T GONNA BE NO LAB RAT OR SOME CUT UP DOLL THAT YOU CAN DISSECT, YOU SICK- is that a feather?" ... "AAAAAAAAAAA-" *Flick* "Now... what to do with this fellow here? Hm..." I pondered and wondered, thinking how I would go about this predicament. Many many ideas travel through my head, and pretty much all of them are irrelevant to the subject at hand. Thinking... Thinking... The 70's Show was hilarious... Did I leave the fridge open back home? Oh shit, I did, didn't I? Piss, the electric bill is going to be a bite in the ass. I wonder how my dead dad is doing. This somehow reminds me of the time I tripped and fell on my face in that other non-canon part of my life. "HEADS UP, MR. LIGHT-BULB TO THE RESCUE!" said a faraway voice that I didn't notice. Something collided into the back of my head, which gave me THE MOST BRILLIANT IDEA EVER. "I die, for youuu...... and your ideas.... bleugh." I snapped my fingers, "I got it! I know what we can do with this guy." Taking the newspaper, I proceed to explain. "So, this guy, a wanted criminal, is important to their government, right?" "... Right...?" "And a princess is ALSO important to the government, right?" "...Yes?" "Then by that logic... a wanted criminal is JUST as important as a princess, and that's why we're going to take him as hostage for ransom!" ... "... You're an idiot." "Heheh, you didn't say that before." ... "What do you mean 'before?'" Later, in the castle of the Princesses. Celestia paced back and forth, impatiently waiting for the arrival of her sister. Luna had been on a political expedition, going around the world, appearing in conferences with some of the other leaders of the foreign lands. Celestia had called her back to talk to her about the arrival of the new creature and his army. What was taking her so long? Celestia hoped that she hadn't encountered the alien already. Who knows what would happen? Celestia heard the door to her chamber open, and she looked up to find her sister.... eating... an... ice cream.... "Apologies, sister. But I heard that there was a new ice cream parlor added in the castle, and I really wanted to see it for myself. It has been so long since we've ever made any new additions to the castle." Luna licked her ice cream before continuing. "Also, there was a new flavored ice cream, and it contains marshmallows! It's called Rocky-" Before she could even finish her sentence, Celestia proceeded to take the ice cream cone from her, threw it down on the floor, and started stomping on it for 2 minutes straight. Then 2 minutes after that, she fired tons and tons of magic beams at it, resulting in a very large black crisp where it once laid.. Celestia, finally done unleashing all of her anger at the innocent ice cream, panted, slightly out of breath. ... "I take it, something's bothering you?" Celestia sighed, embarrassed at her violent actions. Usually, she would be more rational than this, but what was left of her psyche had been demolished 2 days ago by that... creature. "I... I'm sorry, Luna. It's just, ever since the creatures started appearing throughout the land, I've been a heaping mess." "You're talking about those mechanical beings, correct? I've already encountered them myself, and they didn't seem to be hostile. What did they do to... *ahem* aggravate you?" Luna asked. "It's not them I'm talking about, but more their leader." "You've met their leader?" "Yes... somewhat. Ugh, it's just so hard to really explain. While you were gone, I imprisoned him here, and he tried to escape, and he has the word evil in his name, and the elements won't work on him, and he escaped successfully on some kind of cart, and the ICE CREAM with the ROCKY ROAD! I just..." Celestia sighed, tired as all hell. "Sister, I haven't seen you like this since the first Discord incident. You need to calm down, and relax. Slow down." Luna stepped towards Celestia, and gave her a comforting hug. Celestia, appreciating the well needed comfort, hugged her back. "Thank you Luna. You're right, I've been so stressed these past few days. So many strange things have happened, that I never thought would happen in a millennium." As they broke the hug, Luna then asked, "Is the leader hostile? Will he attack us?" "That's... debatable. He claims to be an evil emperor, but the outcome from the Elements of Harmony says otherwise. When we used it against him, instead of imprisoning him in stone, they made him immune to my magic. It's almost as if they helped him." "That is odd-" "ATTENTION CELESTIA! PRINCESS AND LEADER OF MAGIC PONY LAND! GET YOUR BIG FAT MAGICAL ASS OUT HERE!" The princesses turn their head to the sudden shouting noise outside the balcony, which they saw a small group of the same robot aliens they captured, as well as the leader, holding a megaphone, and carrying a sack. Luna looked at Celestia, "Did he just...?" "..." "Do you think they heard me?" I asked, fumbling around my megaphone. "Well, judging by the many armor-clad ponies showing up with spears, swords, and other shit, I'd say that you need to yell louder." one of my guard-bots replied. "Ok then." I breathed in to yell into my megaphone again, but then my guard-bot quickly stopped me. "NO nononono, I think they heard you. You don't have to scream into the mic and make us all deaf." Putting away my megaphone, I waited patiently for the princess to arrive. The hostage inside the sack I was carrying struggled to and get out. "Please, let me out, I'm sorry, I just wanna go home!" "Sure, in a minute." The tension between the ponies and my minion-bots slowly grew. The guard-ponies surrounded us, aiming their weapons and magic. All of my minion-bots were pointing back with huge laser guns. It was a very awkward situation. ... *cough* .... *scratch* ... And then finally, the guest of honor arrived, as she lands majestically near her guards. She also brought along a... smaller blue winged pony? Huh. Must be her daughter or something. "You have a lot of nerve to return to the city that you had just escaped captivity from, while also insulting me in the process. Tell me why I shouldn't capture you right here, right now?" Jesus, I almost forgot how scary she was. "I kidnapped one of your ponies and I'm making him my hostage." I swing the sack around, showing it to them. The muffled noises and the thrashing from inside made everyone in the area widen their eyes in surprise and horror. Celestia and her daughter were not very happy. "What?! You kidnapped and hurt an innocent pony?! Did you come here just to brag about that?!" "Well, no. I wouldn't say that. I want a ransom of 25,000 bits." I replied calmly, and bluntly. The blue one didn't seem to like that. As I can tell by the ear-shattering, earthquake making, scream of the century. "THOUST DARE TO KIDNAP OUR OWN SUBJECTS AND EXPECT PAYMENT FOR THY ACTIONS?!" ... Taking out my megaphone, I proceed to counter-scream. "I CAN SCREAM LOUDLY TOO! NOT REALLY FUN ON THE RECEIVING END, IS IT?!" The high-pitched megaphone feedback gave me an extra oomph, as everyone in the vicinity cringed in irritation. Points for me. I opened the bag slightly so that they could hear the sobbed scream of my hostage. "Please, I just wanna leee-he-heeave! Don't take me back to the torture chamber! I can't handle it anymore!" They looked shocked when he mentioned the torture chamber. "Comply or don't comply. It's your choice." I said. Slowly, I could see their anger getting overcome by their resolve to save this jerk. I could never understand why people gave sympathy to those who don't deserve it. Granted, they had no idea who was in the sack yet, so yeah. "... Fine. Guards, go to the treasury room in the castle and get the amount of bits needed." One guard saluted before flying off, no questions asked. It took a few moments before he returned with a bag of money. "Here, 25,000 bits, as you asked." Celestia said coldly, throwing the bits in the middle of us. I ordered one of my own guard-bots to walk up and take the money. Then, I slid the sack over to the ponies, "Welp, here you go! Thanks for the ransom money!" In a happily cheery tone that took them off guard. The next moment was absolutely priceless. When Quick Buck climbed out of the sack, all of their faces... oh god, it was hilarious. Made even more funny by what the guy did next. "Oh thank you!" He yelled happily. Quick crawled over to Celestia and started kissing her hoof. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! I swear to you, I will repay you for this! I'm so sorry for everything I've done, I'll make up for it! I swear! I'll do community service! I'll stop doing crime forever! I'll even help you catch other criminals, just please, keep me far away from that monster! I can't handle the tickles anymore! I don't want to be tickled anymore!" He broke down crying all over her hooves. Everyone was questioning what the fuck was going on. It was so hilarious. "HAHAHA! OH my god, this is awesome! Hahahah! Oh man." I slapped my knees, chuckling through all this. "Phew. Welp, time to go home boys." As soon as I said that, the familiar tune of a certain ice cream truck played, and soon the truck appeared with rockets attached to the sides. As it landed, we all went in, and prepared for take off. "Cya later Princess! Hope you have an evil day!" I yelled, as we flew away. Oh, it feels GOOD to be the emperor. Celestia couldn't comprehend the situation here. The hostage turned out to be a wanted robber, which she’d ransomed for half his bounty, and here he is, kissing her hooves, screaming apologies at her. She can't even. "Sister?" "..." "Are you ok?" "Luna, I want to go home and sleep. Wake me up never." Next time, on But I AM Evil! --- "That mailpony sure is a ditz." --- "I'm sorry... I just don't know what went wrong..." --- "She's treated so badly for being different... In a way, I can relate." --- "Congratulations! You've been promoted to be my FIRST evil henchman!" "Ruling the world, one mistake at a time?" "Hells yeah!" To be continued.... By the way, that teaser for next chapter will probably not happen. I cheated you. Sorry.