Alternate subtitle: The Hunt for Zytharros: He’s Here in Equestria, Isn’t He?: No Duh, Celestia Said She Brought Him Here: How Do We Know He’s the Real Deal?
“Oh, shut up, Author,” Darkness Awesome shouted irritably. “Including speech in a title like that’s just going to confuse the readers.”
…You… nrrgg… fine.
-- Take Two --
Darkness Awesome, the Bucker, Shadow Incredible, and Scootareader were on a manhunt. They had been separated from their master, the illustrious Scootareader, and had plotted their revenge for the last thousand years. They had to ensure this pony was dead. Not just dying. Not half-dead. Like, dead dead. Their wrath was explosive, as per the Michael Bay Law of Awesome/Sucky Movies Depending on Who You Ask, their desire unique, their Skilled Killing Directive (trademark USKD Corp.) was unprecedentedly practiced, their intents murderous, their parasprites filled with obsolescence, their paper creased, and their smiles filled with happy.
Problem was, they weren’t smiling. Nor were they happy. They also had no parasprites to think o-… oh, wait. Scootareader just imagined a whole flock of parasprites that began eating through the fourth wall, conveniently underneath a Chevelle concert. Suddenly, Chevelle fell into Equestria along with all their sound equipment. Needless to say, Pete and Sam Loeffler and Dean Bernardini weren’t at all happy to have the wall holding them to the fabric of reality smashed open by a stupid cartoon horse, right onto Scootareader’s head.
The last thread of sanity holding his brain together lost a thread. Only three remained.
He stood up slowly, dumping Sam and his drum set off him. They locked eye contact and sparks began to fly. Pete glared at Shadow Incredible. Dean and Darkness Awesome just tried out-awesoming each other. This went on for several more hours.
The Bucker was getting more and more bored until she muttered some Japanese profanity and pulled out a microphone. Feeling her vibe, Shadow, Scootareader, and Darkness leapt into position and pulled out a keyboard, a bass guitar, and a drum set, respectively. Chevelle also set their stuff up while glaring.
What followed was a battle of the bands. Not just any battle of the bands, though. It was the Final Battle of the Bands. For six hundred seventeen thousand hours, eighteen minutes and forty-two seconds, the bands played loud rock and super-bubblegum J-pop (the sound that Darkness Awesome just knew was the antithesis of metal) together, easily playing through both of their libraries several times and making up nearly half a months’ straight play-through of new tracks, reversing polarities several times, and even playing two discordant notes for hours just to annoy the other band.
Unnoticed to the bands, a crowd had grown. This crowd swelled in size as the bands continued their marathon, with a few ponies that couldn’t stand the triple-alicorn-OC awesomeness occasionally leaving. Chevelle’s manager began charging ponies for water, raking in bits like no one-s business for the band. However, The Best Band Ever, comprised of Scootareader’s OCs, was managed by The Bucker, so most of what Chevelle earned went to her, got duplicated because Scootareader commanded it, and was returned. So, really The Best Band Ever still came out on top by billions of bits because humans did not exist and ponies were xenophobes.
Darkness Awesome and his entire lineage felt pity on the humans, however, because ponies were being racist bigots, and gave all of their bits to Chevelle.
“The fuck is this?” Pete asked.
Darkness smirked. “Gold bits. Melt them down and make rich.”
Pete smiled and bowed before Darkness Awesome. “You’re the best.”
Darkness shook his head and, for the first time in his life, refused the title of awesome. “No. You guys make awesome music. I was just playing around. I’m really not that good at guitar.” Instantly, he lost the ability to play guitar.
Scootareader’s last thread of sanity lost another as Chevelle departed richer than any other band on Earth.
“You just denied your awesomeness,” he said. A twitch occurred in his left eye.
Darkness Awesome smirked and looked at his grandson. “No I didn’t.”
Scootareader smiled awkwardly. “Y-yes you dids. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.” Things went on like this for this guy for a while as Darkness Awesome and Shadow Incredible, coupled with Luna and the rest of the Mane Six minus Pinkie Pie because she was busy making cupcakes, MILLIONS of them, for some important function for the Crystal Empire.
Suddenly, the TARDIS appeared in front of them. Shadow Incredible, though he had only been alive for five minutes, said, “I’m a thousand-year-old Time Lord from Gallifrey and fuck this shit,” and dove into the TARDIS and disappeared.
Darkness Awesome stopped and shrugged. At that moment, Sevarros appeared, a gray, faceless sheet.
Sevarros glared. “You and your children were going to kill Zytharros. He’s in Equestria.”
Rage and fury like no other filled Darkness Awesome. “I’ll kill him.”
So, because he knew where Zytharros was on account of him being awesome, and because screw the laws of time, he pulled Shadow Incredible out of his mother Luna’s womb five minutes ago and, with a powerful swing, Shadow Incredibled Zytharros in the face. Unfortunately for him, Sevarros was too powerful, and protected Zytharros. It was almost as ineffective as a Rock-type fighting a Water-type – solid and eroding away very slowly. At that moment, Darkness Awesome knew he was in trouble.
Zytharros looked at him, smiled, and walked away.
In that one act, Darkness Awesome saw everything about Zytharros. He was just another guy, trying to make his way in the world. He was unkillable. Unmatchable.
Perfectly ordinary.
He smiled, feeling his misplaced anger evaporate and a kind of warmth take him. At that moment, Scootareader appeared… the actual Scootareader, and not his self-insert character.
“You see why I handed you off to him, do you?” he said, in a godly voice of echoing, golden majesty. “He was the only one with an insane enough head to actually keep you alive in the way I felt you needed to be.”
As Darkness Awesome and Scootareader watched Zytharros walk away, a sinister shadow lurked behind him. It was only then they noticed the trail coming from the end of his pen.
Sevarros was his imagination.
And he had a knife!
Scootareader tried screaming at Zytharros, but it was no good. The sound did not make it to his ears."
“Apparently, he is not yours to kill anyway.”
Darkness Awesome shrugged, and Sevarros disappeared into the pen.
“What did you do?” Scootareader asked.
Darkness slipped on a pair of sunglasses and simply said, “I forgot. Awesomely.”