Well, things couldn't get any more dour than this. My jeans are stained with dirt and grass, my favourite T-shirt has got grubby hoof prints all over it, and I've lost my comb. And on top of all that, I'm now sat behind stacks of hay on my butt, hiding from a pony who wants to give me more hugs than a Care Bear.
Oh. Sorry. Am I going too fast? I'll back up a bit.
My name's Jamie. Once upon a time---about an hour ago, to be precise---I was a twenty-four year old aspiring computer technician graduate at my nearby university. Now I'm a twenty-four year old human on the run from a pony who's ambition is now to smother me with hugs.
Now, I'm no professor of coding, but I'm fairly sure a broken JavaScript line or a messed up C-Sharp code doesn't smother you in a blinding light and send you to a fantasy land. And somehow, that's exactly what happened. Oh joy.
Today has been hectic so far. Here, let me tell you all about it…
Despite light having no mass, that bright flash somehow knocked me backwards from my desk on my office chair, wheeling me along the floor until I fell back arse over head. But when my head hit the ground, it wasn't as hard an impact I thought it would be. It was… soft? Weird. Concrete shouldn't feel like hitting a pile of marshmallows.
When my eyes finally adjusted, I found myself outside! How in the queen's underpants did I end up from inside my room to outside in a field? I looked down to see that a nice big flower bed of purple, blue, and yellow flowers cushioned the fall.
Wait. Cushions. Hang about, where did my chair go? It was right here!
HERE!
How did my chair disappear when my cheeks were firmly placed on it not a minute ago?
And my clothes! My newly-bought grey jeans and exclusive Diablo Three shirt were now covered in dirt and grass stains! That's just bloody typical, isn't it?
"Are you okay there?"
A voice snapped me from my inner raging monologue. A female voice. Sounded pretty cute, too. Sluggishly I turned to face to meet hers. I bet she looked really---
"You don't look so good…"
... Well, colour me surprised in fifty shades of what-the-hell. A talking pony.
At least, that's probably how I should have reacted in hindsight. Instead, I screamed like a little girl, tried to scramble to my feet only to keep slipping on the flowers, and eventually found the courage to pluck one of them from the bed and thrust it out in front of me like a magic wand, waving it like I was holding back a lion with a sword in hand.
What an utter knob I must have looked.
"You stay away from me!" I yelled as the flower between my fingers swayed in the breeze. But that pony, with her lavender coat, striped indigo mane, feathered wings, huge horn, and those huge judging---but mostly confused-looking---eyes, just kept gazing at me. It was like she hadn't seen a human before or something.
"You're not from around here… are you?" she asked.
So she hadn't seen a human before. Which means… I'm the only human here?
Emotions ran through me like a crashing wave, blasting my mind under a torrent of thoughts and feelings. I felt awkward, unfamiliar of my surroundings -- I was familiar with nothing and found comfort in even less.
"Where--" I jumped to my feet quickly, never taking my eyes off of this unicorn-pegasus-pony… thing. Oh, and I was still holding tightly to the flower. "Where am I?" I asked, flustered. My eyes shifted in their sockets, catching glimpses of everything around me, most noticeably the thatched-roof houses that looked like they were from the Elizabethan era. Then I saw the huge tree house behind her. It looked… so awesome.
"You're in Ponyville," she replied with a cheery smile. "But, uh… Why were you rolling in the grass? Did you have a spider on you?"
I couldn't tell if she was being legitimately curious or making wisecracks. But as a dignified, positive, tax-paying citizen, I had to give her a good and honest answer.
"Because I love the smell of flowers and wanted to try and rub the scent all over my clothes." Judging from her sudden shift of expression, I realized that she wasn't trying to goad me. In fact, I don't think she understood the sarcasm. Either that, or she just didn't have a very good sense of humour. "I'm joking," I assured her, "I…" I paused. I wanted to explain to her what happened, but even I didn't know what happened. "I fell over," I simply put.
"Oh, that makes sense."
… Huh? It was that easy was it? But I noticed she looked down at my feet before pointing at them with her leg.
"Your shoes are untied. You should really tie them up before you go walking around outside, you know. You could hurt yourself."
For someone---uh, some-pony---who I had only met for a minute, she was really nice. I guess she was pretty cute, too. Y'know, as far as ponies go. "Oh. Thanks," I uttered before kneeling down to do them up.
Real smooth, Jay. Real smooth…
"Gosh, you're filthy," she declared. "Why don't you come inside and we'll get your clothes cleaned."
Hold on. That means… I have to take my clothes off! In front of her? How long would I be without them for? How long would I have to stand around in my underwear for?
She wasn't planning on washing them, too, was she?
"Oh… Okay," my lips poured out, despite the panic attack my brain was having. Sometimes I think my brain wished it had arms so it could punch me in the mouth.
I had no choice but to follow her into the huge tree house behind her; I guessed that it was her home. And what a huge home it was, too. More than anything else though, I was captivated by the huge amount of books that lined the bookshelves that spanned the circular walls. I think the pony caught a glimpse of my interest -- she was incredibly keen on telling me all about her book collection.
We talked for what felt like hours, but it didn't even break half an hour. I had learned quite a bit from this pony -- Twilight Sparkle, her name was. I was told that I was currently in Ponyville, a small town in a land called "Equestria". I was starting to see a pattern in the naming of things here. She told me about its founding between the Unicorns, Pegasi, and Earth ponies, and how it is ruled by two other princesses; Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.
""Other" princesses?" I asked her. "What do you mean?"
"Oh, I'm a princess, too."
For a moment, I was waiting for something. I hadn't a clue what I was waiting for, though. Something… more? The way she said it, she made it sound like it was no big deal.
"That's… awesome," I responded. Even I made it sound like it was no big deal.
At this point, both of us had completely forgotten about the reason we were here in the first place. At least I wasn't gonna strip naked in front of a princess now.
"I've got an idea," she said abruptly. "Why don't we be friends? If you're going to stay in Ponyville for a while, you should get to know a lot of the ponies here."
If I was gonna stay anywhere, Ponyville would be the last place I would pick as a vacation spot.
But then Twilight moved closer to me, a huge smile on her face. "So that means I get to give you a new friend cuddle!"
… What did she say? A… cuddle?
"U-uh, Princess---I mean, Twilight---I… I don't think that's very, uh, befitting of royalty to hug a dirty commoner like me." I had to think of something. Anything.
"Pfft, what year were you born in? The Archaic period? There's nothing wrong with cuddles. So… Cuddles it is!"
Her forelegs swung open as she lunged forward at me. I panicked! Without thinking, I swung around to the side of her and, almost in slow-motion, I watched her tumble forwards like she was part of some sort of one pony trust test. With a thud, she planted her face onto the wooden floor.
I prayed to whatever god was in this land that my head wasn't gonna roll.
Sluggishly she pushed her body off the floor. I low groaning sound rumbled from her throat. Her head spun around, and her eyes pierced me like thorns. "W-what was that all about?" she hurled at me, rubbing her snout with a hoof.
"I'm sorry, Twilight," I apologized as much as I could convey with an awkward smile. "I just… don't think it's right, that's all!"
She stomped towards me. Slowly. I had this imagine of a lion stalking an antelope in my head. The only difference was that she was going to cuddle me to death.
And then she said something horrible. Terrible. It was a threat like none I had ever heard before… And it scared me.
"I'm going to cuddle the hay out of you, Jamie… And you're going to enjoy it! Now come here!"
I screamed out loud as she broke into a gallop. I ran and I ran as fast as I could around the room, trying to outpace her, but she was just too darn quick! I tried to use what little agility I had, vaulting over the tables and sliding under a desk to try and get past her. I even picked up one of the chair and held it out in front of me like a lion tamer! For a moment it seemed to work! Then quickly the chair was wrenched away from me and tossed to one side, pulled from my grip by some invisible, violet-glowing force.
So she can use magic, too? That's so unfair!
Every time I tried to make a bee-line for the door, she would jump in front of me. But I couldn't keep up this run-around game of cat and mouse; I was breathing heavy, with sweat dripping down my brow and my cheeks getting flustered. She was just gonna keep going until she wore me out. I think even she knew that she was gonna outlast me.
I tried to do the next best thing. I turned on the spot, nearly slipping and falling on the smooth floor, and made my way up the nearby staircase. Without a skip of a heartbeat, Twilight was already hot on my heels, only a step behind me. As leaped up the staircase, flinging herself at me as she managed to wrap her hooves around my leg.
But that was all the grip she could get. No fingers, after all.
With whatever strength I had in my legs, I pushed off the steps, letting my leg slip from her grasp, and I vaulted myself over the banister, slamming hard on the ground that I could almost feel my ankle snap. But with the cuddle monster halfway up the steps and me back on the ground floor, I bolted! I bolted as fast as my aching legs and my sore ankle could carry me! I was so close to freedom! I grasped the handle, flung open the door---
*SLAM!*
The door slammed in front of me! I tried to open it, used all my might to pry it open, but it wouldn't budge. I turned to see Twilight grinning at me as she finished descending down the last step. She held the door shut and turned the key in the keyhole, locking me in!
"Accept your defeat, Jamie!" she exclaimed. "You will accept my new friend cuddle!"
I lost. In the end, despite all of my effort and all the strain I had to put on my body, it just wasn't enough. I was out-smarted, out-paced, and out of energy.
My hand slipped from the handle, and I let out a soft sigh. I had no choice. I had to face my fate without mercy. I was to be cuddled with great force and with great affection from Her Majesty…
Or so I thought.
As I turned to her, I saw it! I saw my saviour out the corner of my eye.
"… I won't ever accept your cuddle!" I cried out with a huge grin. Quickly I snatched the key from the keyhole and ran towards the far side of the room. With whatever energy I had left, I jumped and dived forwards through the open window, tumbling head first into the small bushed just outside.
I was free! I had won! And most importantly, I didn't get cuddled!
Scrambling as fast as I could to my feet, I pocketed the key in my hands and sprinted away from the tree house. With renewed energy and a smug on my face, I ran as fast as I could.
But not before hearing the princess scream behind me.
"I'll find you, Jamie! You can run, but you can't hide from me! Do you hear me!?
"I WILL HAVE MY NEW FRIEND CUDDLE!"