//------------------------------// // 7. A Day to Remember // Story: Dash of Humanity 2: A New Dawn // by Kaidan //------------------------------// I rolled over in bed and hit my alarm clock to turn it off. Unfortunately, I forgot I had hooves now and my love-tap turned into a sledgehammer, shattering the third clock this week. Sooner or later, I’d have to buy an alarm clock that cost more than eight bits. Yawning loudly, I tossed the covers aside and got out of the bed. Normally I’d have slept in much longer, but I knew Dash would be by soon to insist on teaching me to fly. She still liked to say I flew like a brick with wings, and I didn’t mind spending the extra time with her, so we continued our lessons. Bagheera was sitting in the window watching some birds in the distance. He had already caught a few of them and left them on the bed as gifts to me. It came as a bit of a shock and I’ve been trying to figure out a way to make him stop before Fluttershy gets involved. Then again, she takes care of plenty of carnivores at her cottage. I’m just worried the next bird he drags in will belong to somepony. My closet door opened up to reveal a floor littered in sweaty flight-suits. It turned out that because ponies wore clothes infrequently, they hadn’t bothered to invent affordable washing machines. Only larger, richer cities had them. After all, who needs a machine when you have two perfectly good hooves? Everypony else used wash-tubs and clothes-lines, but my plan was to find a mare to do my laundry for me. The only logical alternative was burning the dirty clothes before they became a bio-hazard. I took down a clean flight suit, my last one, and put it on. Today Dash was convinced I’d be able to do some stunts in addition to endurance training for the Iron Pony competition. I wasn’t so confident, but I had still mastered the basics of flight. Only minutes later I had flown off my balcony and into the sky, looking down on Ponyville. From up here things were quiet and simple. There existed only the thrill of the wind cutting through my feathers and mane. I could lose myself for hours up here, looking down on the tiny ponies going about their daily lives. Everything just felt right when I could fly, and I began to forget ever being human when I flew. Who would want to go back to spending their entire life stuck on the ground, after tasting the freedom of flight? I never managed to lose myself for long when I took flight. Dash seemed to have a sixth sense, or perhaps was just busy with weather duty, and often came over to see how I was doing. At least this time I saw her coming, robbing her of the opportunity to throw any clouds at me or shoot any lightning near me. The first time she did that, I nearly had a heart attack. “Yo, Dawn, glad to see you are awake on time. Before I met you, I thought I was the champion of sleeping in,” Dash quipped. “Yeah, well your life before you met me sounded pretty boring.” I cleared my throat and did my best impression of her voice. “Oh, I want to date a strong Wonderbolt but I don’t want to look girly!” “Hey!” She chucked a piece of cloud at me, causing it to poof into mist as it hit my wing. “At least I didn’t spend my whole life as a pecker checker.” “I checked more than peckers as a nurse you know.” Thinking about it, I really ought to get a job here in Ponyville. Surely there would be some relaxing jobs I could get, and if I ran a small bait and tackle shop or something, it’d save me having to relearn medicine for pony anatomy. “So, you ready to learn some stunts?” “Sure. The trick is to fly recklessly and crash into the library, right?” Dash rolled her eyes and crossed her forelegs. “I swear, you crash one time and Twilight never lets you hear the end of it…” She pointed over to some clouds she had arranged. “It’s more along the lines of defensive flying, with style. I wouldn’t want you getting eaten by the first manticore or dragon you run into.” “Well why didn’t you say so? I love mortal peril.” “You’ve been practicing the techniques I showed you, right?” “Yeah, keep the primaries spread to feel the wind current—” “I know what they are, I taught them to you,” Dash chuckled. “Well, I figured clouds would be nicer than trees when you are practicing. Use the tips of your wings to sense changes in wind current. You won’t always see the obstacles, but if you’re quick, the pressure difference will allow you to pull your wings in before you snap half your primaries hitting them on something.” The course looked more like a minefield than any organized creation. The weather must have called for partly cloudy to create this maze in the air. Luckily, it’d keep me out of sight of any curious ponies on the ground if I were to crash and burn like Dash thought I would. “And I’m guessing this agility will also come in handy for the Iron Pony obstacle course.” “Yep! Just try and follow me through the course.” She flew into the clouds, vanishing after a few seconds. I smiled, knowing that if I managed to keep up with her, I’d get a glimpse of her well-toned plot. There’s nothing wrong with admiring beauty, especially when the wind is blowing. I darted forward, clipping the first cloud with a wing and shaking my head in disappointment. This would require more focus than I thought, so any masculine urges would need to take a back seat while I focused on following her rainbow contrail. The first challenge was banking hard right and left in succession. My center of gravity and weight felt very low compared to my wings on the top of my body. To bank left I had to have my left wingtip pointing at the ground. To bank right my left wingtip had to be pointing straight up in the air. This required me to tuck my legs in hard each time I banked. The shift of weight inward allowed me to roll over more easily and change direction. Banking back and forth was far more tiring than I had expected. Normal flying was like walking, but add a few sharp turns to it and it suddenly felt like a cross-fit workout. It was no wonder everypony was so amazed by the stunts that Dash or the Wonderbolts did. I caught a glimpse of Dash ahead and she must have seen me, because I could have sworn she was showing off. There was a horizontal cloud in the way that we had to fly over. Instead of flying over like a normal pony, she tilted her wings vertically to bring her to a rapid stop. Her momentum sent her hind legs up and over her head, doing a somersault of sorts over the cloud, and flying off. I was so busy being amazed she could do that, I hit the cloud face-first and burst out the other side, trying to shake all the water out of my eyes and mane. The next cloud was higher so I missed it, then climbed over the third cloud. The change in gravity as I flew up and down rapidly was almost too much to take. On Earth, I’d seen astronauts training in special planes that flew a parabolic arc to simulate weightlessness. Now, as the clouds spread out, I struggled to get used to the sensation. The hardest part was not letting my brain trick my wings into flying differently. Whether I felt twice as heavy or weightless, the air hadn’t actually changed. If I suddenly flapped twice as hard or not at all to compensate, I’d drop down into a cloud and get a face-full of ice-cold mist. Just when I was starting to get that down, I saw Dash tuck her wings in and fall like a rock ahead of me. Part of me panicked as I hurried over, only to realize the cloud in front of me was like a solid wall. I flared my wings to come to a stop, not wanting to run face-first into yet another cloud. My momentum ceased in an instant, and I felt the air rushing upwards as I fell. I began to flap my wings, but the sudden stop had thrown my hind legs out in front of me and I was now upside down. I flailed my legs like a cat falling out a window. Unfortunately, I was not a cat and my panicked flapping and kicked only disoriented me more. Finally I curled my legs and wings in, tucking into a small ball. I closed my eyes to stop the spinning that was distracting me, then flared my wings out. The wind was tearing through my feathers, but after a few more seconds I was able to figure out which way was up, and spread my feathers out. Opening my eyes, I began to pull out of my tumble, then crashed face-first into a cloud. Dash had put it there incase I did what I just did—spun out and fell to the ground—to keep me from getting hurt. She was also laying on her back laughing from the sight of me turning from pegasus to projectile and slamming into the cloud. Spitting out the water I had scooped up during the crash, I turned my gaze to her. “Hey! I was totally gonna recover from that until you put a cloud in my way!” “Sure… sure… you… were!” I scooped up a large piece of cloud and threw it at her, causing it to burst into water droplets and soak through her fur. “Gah!” Dash flipped up and looked at me, smirking. “Try that again, I dare you.” As I scooped up a piece of cloud to throw at her, she flapped her wings, dissipating the cloud from under me. I didn’t fully understand how to control weather yet, but I understood I was in trouble as I began to fall and saw the ground not twenty feet below me. This time I was able to break my fall with my wings, tumbling across dirt as I landed. I got up and dusted off my flight suit, shaking my head. I should have known better by now than to get in any sort of contest with Dash. Whether it was a race or something small like throwing a piece of cloud at her, Dash hates losing. “Alright, you’re right, I fell…” I looked up and sighed as she flew down to the ground. “That was a nice course though, I’d like to run it again.” “Sure, and after that I can take you through Ghastly Gorge.” “Awesome, it’ll be like the Death Star trench run.” “You know, someday you’re gonna have to put on a play for the town so everypony can enjoy a little Earth culture,” Dash observed. “Hmm, I wonder what a cutie mark as a director would look like.” I frowned, seeing Soarin flying over to us from the distance. Dash followed my gaze, and turned back to speak to me when she saw him coming. “Hey, I know you two aren’t getting along but, could you try? For me? He’s really nice when we’re alone. I just can’t get him to shake this silly notion that you’re in love with me.” “Oh, I uh…” I smiled, seeing Soarin would be here in a few moments. Dash had hit a nerve. I was still working my feelings out for her and Fluttershy. Still this was hardly the time to bring that up. “Yeah, I’ll try harder.” Soarin landed a short distance away. “Hey Dash,” he lost a little enthusiasm from his voice, “Dawn.” “Hi, Soarin. Say, Dash was just telling me you might be able to teach me a few tricks in this obstacle course she set up. I don’t suppose you’d like to hang-out?” He paused for a second while he thought about what to say. We hadn’t really spoke more than a few words to each other so far, and I doubt he was suspecting me to ask such a question. Dash also went wide-eyed, not expecting me to go with such a blatant approach. “Uh, sure?” He looked to Dash. “You still think he has a chance at the Iron Pony?” Dash chuckled. “You worried he’ll steal second place from you, Soarin?” “Second? Who is gonna get first?” I asked. Soarin rolled his eyes, “Dash, of course. She still thinks she can beat me in a race.” “Come on, the day you beat me in a race is the day I’ll let you…” Dash leaned in and whispered in Soarin’s ear. I can only imagine what she said, but thankfully his flight suit protected his modesty. “Ahem,” Soarin coughed. “I uh, guess I can show Dawn a few tricks. You want to wait down here at the finish line?” “Sure,” Dash answered. “Great.” I smiled at Soarin and flew up towards the start of the course. Dash looked happy, which made me happy. Once at the start, Soarin flew up next to me and began to explain some techniques more suited to stallions than mares. With our slightly-larger frames and broad shoulders, the aerodynamics changed a great deal from those of a mare. After info-dumping a ton of flight tips and tricks on me, eighty-percent of which I’m sure I’ve already forgotten, he flew towards the first cloud. “All right, so just follow me through and keep those tips in mind. Use the extra body weight to gain momentum at the right times and you won’t tire your wings out as quickly.” Soarin took off into the maze, and I decided to see just how well I might be able to keep up with him. He was definitely more agile than me, though not nearly as fast as Dash. He seemed to calculate every maneuver well in advance, transitioning seamlessly between them. This time the banking was a little easier, but it was still akin to trying to do ninety-degree turns in a car going forty-miles per hour over and over. I found all my focus going into each turn, keeping the perfect mix of balance, weight, and lift from my wings. I finished up that section and began to arc up and down over the horizontal clouds. This time I had much more control over my senses as my inner ears cried out I was weightless, and my eyes stated that I was not. Luckily I was not one to get motion sickness. Soarin was getting too far ahead of me and I tried to catch up, but still lost sight of him. I picked up speed, flying around the last corner much faster than I had when following Dash. A large tuft of cloud hit me in the face. This one didn’t burst into mist as easily as the others. It both hurt and clung to my face, leaving me to try and break up the last bits of it with my hooves. There was another thud as I burst through part of the obstacle course, drenching myself in moisture, and feeling the familiar sensation of tumbling. I stayed calm, trying to get my bearings using the wind on the tips of my feathers, however they were soaked wet. With my wings wet, the air currents felt different and I had never practiced like this before. Not knowing what to do, I went to the tried and true method of flailing about like a madpony. By the time I cleared my vision the world was a blur of colors flashing by. I made out the sight of a large oak tree coming up on me fast. Aware that I was in for a painful reunion with a long-lost friend known as the ground, I curled up into a ball, shielding myself the way Dash had taught me to minimize injuries to vital body parts. There was a loud crash as I hit the tree and burst through a window. A sharp crack hit my side as I came to a complete stop, and dropped to the floor. Not a second later, dozens of hard, heavy objects fell down on me, burying me. Once I was sure I was done plummeting to my demise, I uncurled and opened my eyes. There in front of me was a welcome sight, Spike, and an unwelcome sight, a furious Twilight. “My books! I just finished organizing—” Twilight surveyed the scattered books while frowning. Finally, as if she’d mistaken me for a book for the last ten seconds, she whipped her head back to me. “Oh my, Dawn, are you alright?!” “I think so…” I stood up and started to check my legs and wings. “And thanks, it’s good to know I’m a close second on your list of things to check after a crash.” I stuck my tongue out at her, getting a loud laugh from Spike. “I wouldn’t be laughing, Spike” Twilight interjected. “You’re gonna have to re-organize the books for me while I make sure Dawn is okay.” “Awww…” Spike frowned and went to retrieve a ladder. “You should give the guy a day off, seems like you two are re-organizing the library every single day.” “I’m just trying to find the optimal system to organize and catalog every book in my library, so that any book can be found in under thirty seconds,” she explained. I shook my head in disbelief. “Why can’t you just be happy with the Dewey Decimal System?” “The Dewey what?” “You know, the numeric system to organize books? You probably call it the Pony Decimal, or Stalliontastic, or Marey Decimal system.” Twilight’s eyes lit up and went wide, and I got a sinking feeling in my stomach that I’d made a mistake mentioning it. “Really? You have to tell me all about it! Where does it start? How does it categorize the books?” I looked around, desperate to escape. I didn’t want to spend all day in a sweaty, damp flightsuit organizing a library. Perhaps the quickest way out would be to just write it down for her, but I wasn’t too fond of hoof-writing as a pony. It just made me miss my fingers. “Look, it’d take too long to explain, but basically you assign a number to a general field, like science, of 500. Then if it’s math related, it’d be 510. If it’s geometry, it’d be 516. For a specific geometry, it might be 516.3 or 516.7.” Twilight leaned in closer smiling, causing me to back up a step. If I didn’t know better, I’d think that all this talk of the Dewey Decimal system was turning her on. Come to think of it, her tail did look a little higher… “This is incredible! Why didn’t I think of this before? I could re-organize alpha-numerically in a third of the time based on the assigned reference number! Dawn, I can’t thank you enough! Tell me the rest of the numbers!” I gulped, regretting my job as a library assistant in college. Sure, it paid the bills, but my knowledge of organizing books was now a liability. If I had to break out in a rap song to remember all the general categories of the system, it wouldn’t be pretty. “Well, um, 000 is generalities—” “Yes!” Twilight grabbed me and hugged me. “Go on, what’s 100?” “Phil—oso—phy—” I finally managed to pry her off me, though she still looked fervant. “200—Wait, Spike! Get a pen and quill, stat!” I thought about it for a second. “Oh, that’s religion—” The door to the library burst open, interrupting me. The most glorious thing stepped through the door: Rainbow Dash. She was here to rescue me from reciting the entire Dewey Decimal system. “Dawn?! Are you okay?” Dash rushed over to check on me, an indifferent Soarin walking behind her. I sighed and relaxed my shoulders, wiping some sweat from my brow.“Twilight, you’ll have to just fill in the rest. I trust you could improve the system anyway.” She almost hugged me again, but Dash was in the way and held a hoof out to stop her. “You didn’t break a wing? Primaries intact? No shards of glass?” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Dash, you know I enchanted my windows so that wouldn’t happen again. Now, I need to get to work! Spike! Where’s my pen and quill?” “We’re out of quills!” Spike yelled from the other room. “Out of quills? This is horrible!” There was a loud pop and a faint hint of sulfur, and Twilight was gone. She had teleported off to find a quill, no doubt. “I’m fine, Dash. I was going around a corner in the course and got hit in the face by a dense cloud.” I glanced over at Soarin, who I could swear was smirking. “You should be more careful, I was really worried,” Dash walked around me while looking for injuries and poking my wings. “Soarin, did you see what happen? One second I’m following you and the next second, a cloud nails me in the face.” I stared at him to make sure he understood what I was accusing him off. “Nope,” he chuckled. “I guess you need more work on flying than you thought.” He still looked guilty as sin to me, but Dash interrupted before I could go any further. “Dawn, Soarin wouldn’t lie. He saw you hit one of the walls and tumble. You can’t seriously be telling me he sabotaged you?” She lowered her voice. “You promised to try and get along for me.” Her last remark hurt. I had promised to try and get along with him; I valued what I had with Dash. However, I could tell Soarin had done that on purpose. Since I couldn’t prove it, I had little choice but to be the bigger stallion and forget it happened. “Yeah, you’re right, Dash. At least I got to practice my emergency landing.” I chuckled and bumped her in the shoulder. “You’re a good teacher. Thanks for the lesson.” “Whew. Well, I need to get going. See you at the competition!” Dash turned and trotted over to Soarin. While her back was turned, I lifted a hoof to my eye then pointed at Soarin. From now on, I’d keep a closer watch on him. Once those two were gone, a confused Spike walked back into the room. “Hey, Dawn, what happened with Twilight?” “Oh, it must have been something I said. Why don’t we take the rest of the day off, and hang out? I’m pretty sure Twilight’s going to be deep in study over the next few days.” “You want me to sneak out before she gets back and makes me organize the library?” Spike smiled and dropped the cleaning supplies he had been carrying. “Awesome! What do you want to do?” “How about we go see what trouble the Cutie Mark Crusaders are getting into?” He laughed and walked towards the door. “This ought to be good. Though, I don’t crusade with them anymore after they tried to get marks as dragon tamers.” I followed him outside, and we headed off towards the school. “What’d they do? Did they tame you with a chair and a whip and force you to alphabetize books for them?” “Ha ha, worse. We ended up making a mess of the comic book store and I accidentally burped on a first edition comic worth a hundred bits.” “Ouch.” “Yeah. Twilight says I shouldn’t crusade and worry about finding a purpose like most ponies, I can just do whatever I want when I grow up, but I can hardly decide what that is. “Yeah, that’s a tough one.” Everypony in Equestria seemed to know their place and purpose in life, something that seemed to often elude me back on Earth. Spike and me were different, as neither of us were given a magical sign to tell us what to do with our lives. I glanced back to my bare flank, wondering if I should just march up to a hospital and apply to be a nurse, or if this was my chance to change careers. In a way, finding a job felt like admitting defeat. If I accept that I need a job, that I have to find my place in Equestrian society, then I’m accepting I’ll never get back to Earth. On the other hoof, if I find the right ponies who know the right magic, I could quite possibly find a way back into a new body. It seemed a fool’s hope, however finding a job had a finality to it I wasn’t thrilled to accept. “What are you thinkin’ about?” Spike asked. “Earth, employment, cutie marks.” I replied. “So what do you miss about it most?” I glanced around for a moment. “Red meat. Man, they could make some amazing food back on Earth. Eggs and bacon just can’t cut it forever. Even though the vegetables taste good now, I’m constantly craving a cheeseburger.” Spike laughed. “You know, if you decide to travel, there’s a place in Canterlot that serves burgers to griffons, or just visit Griffonia. I bet they’d love to see a pony who eats meat until they get sick to their stomach. As for me, I’ve been craving fire rubies.” “Good to know I can sneak into a shady establishment to eat animals that may or may not have been sapient. For now I think I’ll make due with this tofu recipe Fluttershy made for me once.” “Bleh.” Spike shivered as he shook his head. “I’ll never try tofu again, and I don’t like vegetables either. I’ll stick to gems, hay fries, and ice cream.” “Thank you! Finally someone who understands.” I laugh along with him as we near the school. “You might want to try a salad one day. Who knows, you might wake up on another world.” “Eh, I’ll pass. If I get zapped to another world, Twilight would go crazy all over again. You hear about the Smarty Pants doll?” “No.” Spike quickly recounted the story to me as we waited outside of the school. Soon we saw Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle exit the school. They seemed to have two unwanted guests tailing them. “There’s no way these three will get a cutie mark,” Diamond said. “Oh, it’s those two again,” I whispered to Spike. Their whole rivalry thing was as close to violence as ponies seemed to get. It amazed me that nopony had knocked one of them out cold with a right hook yet, however nopony thought that way here. “Unless their cutie mark was a blank flank, and their special talent is being special at nothing,” Silver added. “Shut it, you two,” Scootaloo said. I could hear the annoyance in her voice from over here. “Don’t you have anything better to do?” Diamond looked at Silver. “Well, there is that ball our families were invited to. However, it’s a school night, so we can’t go. That means we get to hang out and watch you three try and fail to get a cutie mark!” I shook my head as I walked over. It was clear enough to me that Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie were trying to be the bigger fillies. Part of me couldn’t resist the urge to vent a bit of my frustration at Soarin on the spoiled brats. I walked up closer to the fillies, getting in position to interject. Apple Bloom turned to face me, but Diamond was on a roll. “I heard you’re still not allowed in the day spa after you put cement mix in the mud bath. How stupid are you gals?” “You must be Diamond Tiara, I’ve heard all about you,” I said. She spun around to face me and Spike. “Huh? Who are you?” “The name’s Dawn Seeker. Tell me, how does it feel to know you’ll spend your entire life with no talent beyond wearing diamond tiaras? Or do you actually get to make them, too?” I turned to Silver. “And you: a lifetime of making kitchenware for us lowly peasants to eat with. If you ask me, you two got jipped.” Diamond’s face got flush with anger, while Silver looked down at the ground. “You can’t talk to us like that! My father owns this town, he’ll—” “What? Not give me a job?” I turned to show her my flank. “No thanks, I don’t need one. I get by just fine without an ass tattoo.” I walked over next to the fillies. “And when we do get cutie marks, they’ll be a lot cooler than our ability to be spoiled brats and talk down to other ponies.” “I—” “Come on,” Silver interrupted. She nudged Diamond and they started to head home. I could hear her complaining about ‘the nerve of some ponies’ until they were out of sight. “That was so awesome!” Scootaloo cheered, jumping up to give me a quick hug. “Ah don’t know, sis’ says we shouldn’t provoke ‘em or it just makes ‘em tease us more. Like, they only do it ‘cuz they like how we react,” Apple Bloom frowned a bit as she looked at me. Clearly her sister had been rubbing off on her. I nodded and sighed. “I just couldn’t stand by and watch, though. Us blank flanks have to stick together, right?” “I appreciate it, but I’m sure we’ll work things out and become friends someday,” Sweetie smiled at me and adjusted her saddlebags. “That’s pretty optimistic. Good luck with that,” I replied. The fillies had a point, however, and I wondered why they were still rivals if they’d been taking the high road this entire time. Scootaloo hovered in the air, forelegs crossed like Dash often did. “So, what brings you by?” “I thought I’d see what kind of hijinks you three were up to. What’ll it be today? Demolition cutie marks? Skydiving cutie marks? Quarry Eel dentist cutie marks?” The three started to smirk ominously. “Well, actually, we’ve been planning on trying our hooves at tree trimming,” Scootaloo explained. “Wait, like with a woodchipper?” I looked at Spike, then back at the girls. I bit my lip while hoping this was a prank of some kind. “Yeah! We saw some stallions doing it and it looks easy,” Sweetie added. She pulled a small pamphlet with half a dozen yellow warning labels on it about safe operation of an industrial woodchipper. “Plus, our crusades usually end up with us covered in tree sap, so this’ll cut out the middle pony.” Images of one of the fillies slipping into the machine filled my mind, as did images of the kind of shady stallion who would let fillies borrow a woodchipper. “I uh, think you should try something with less whirring blades.” I grabbed the pamphlet and tucked it into my flight suit. “Hah! We decided not to rent that woodchipper anyway! Ah’d never hear the end of it from my sis’.” Apple Bloom reached into her saddlebag and pulled out a receipt. “We rented chainsaws!” Spike facepalmed and shook his head at this revelation. At least there was one pony—or dragon—in town who seemed to think these fillies needed a little supervision. On the other hoof, I wouldn’t want to ruin their fun by ratting them out to their big sisters. “I’ll take that too.” I grabbed the receipt. “As fun as chainsaws are, maybe there is something else you could try.” I searched my head for ideas. I could help them pull some practical jokes. That would be safer and wouldn’t cry out ‘serial killer cutie marks’ to anypony passing by. I bet they’d know just which two fillies to kill first. Gah, bad brain! No killing! “Like what?” Scootaloo tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. “Because we can’t get our deposit on the chainsaws back.” “I’m gonna pretend you didn’t find the one pony in town who rents chainsaws to fillies, and suggest pranking instead.” I gestured back towards town. “Plenty of ponies are still at work you could prank.” “Ah dunno, didn’t we try pranks already?” Apple Bloom asked. Sweetie shrugged. “I know I’ve stuck tape on Opalescence’s paws before, but we’ve never pranked like Dash and Pinkie do.” “See? Let’s go do some fun, safe crusading.” Spike finally joined the conversation, albeit briefly. “Thanks, but I’ll go look for some new comics. I don’t wanna be anywhere near those three with bags full pranking supplies. Have fun, girls.” “Thanks, Spike,” Scootaloo answered. “You know what this means?” The other two bumped hooves with her. “Cutie Mark Crusader pranksters, yay!” We all headed into town together. I made one quick stop so I could take the flightsuit off and get saddlebags and bits. I brought enough change to buy enough supplies to pack all four of our saddlebags to the brim. I figured that the best way to ensure my own safety from pranks, was to be one of the pranksters. Since I had just armed these three young ponies, I figured I was responsible to keep an eye on them. We headed through town looking for a place to start our rampage. “What should we do first?” Sweetie inquired. “Why not start with a classic I did as a child? The burning bag on the front porch.” I recalled fond memories of this prank, and the ensuing race for cover that often followed. The trio looked at each other in confusion until Sweetie finally spoke up. “We haven’t heard of that one.” “Here, this is Rarity’s house, right? Let me show you how it works on your big sister.” Luckily for the fashionista, I wasn’t about to teach the fillies how to light dog turds on fire. Instead, I went over to the neighbor’s planter and scooped some mud up and dropped it in the paper bag. I folded the top and handed it to Scootaloo, followed by a lighter. “Alright, squirt, just run up to the door, light the bag on fire, then ring the doorbell and run back here.” I nudged her forward, and then ducked behind the bush with the other Crusaders. “Okay.” She walked forward, looking around as if she were robbing from a bank. I couldn’t resist shouting out “boo!” and watching her jump in the air. Considering all of our laughter, it was a miracle Rarity didn’t hear us coming. About a minute later, Scootaloo had set down the bag and gotten the lighter working. She flew up, hit the doorbell, and darted back to the bushes. I took the lighter back, because unlike some unscrupulous sales-ponies, I wouldn’t let fillies run around with anything that posed a real risk. “Now we wait.” I tried to shrink down behind the bush, unsure if my larger frame was actually hidden form anypony. I had a stupid grin across my face. Lying had never been my strong suit, and if Rarity got one look at me over the next day or so I’d probably burst out laughing. Therefore, I’d have to hold it in and have a good laugh after we get away clean. Apple Bloom crawled up next to me to peek through the bushes. “Psst, Dawn, I don’t get it.” “What would you do if something was on fire?” I asked. “Call neigh-one-one?” Apple Bloom replied. “Get some water?” Scootaloo answered. “Stomp on it?” Sweetie offered. “We have a winner!” I shushed them all with my hoof as the door opened. Rarity looked outside for her visitor when she noticed the burning bag on her porch. Her eyes went wide and she gasped, and for a moment I thought she might faint. Finally, she screeched and reared up on her hind hooves, stomping the fire out. Not ten seconds later, with the fire extinguished, she noticed the mud covering her hooves. It had also splattered onto her hind legs. There was a thud, and this time she had in fact passed out. The Crusaders were laughing loud enough to wake the dead, meanwhile my mouth was agape as I worried for Rarity. “Crap, is she okay?” Sweetie took a few deep breaths until she could reply. “She’s a germaphobe, she hates mud and filth.” I shook my head and sighed. “You could have warned me before.” The situation was kinda funny, after I was certain I hadn’t given her a heart attack. “I thought you knew,” Sweetie responded. As Rarity began to wake up I grabbed Sweetie and nudged the other two forward. “Quick, Run!” We scattered away from her house, using the neighbor’s home for cover. “Rainbow and Pinkie!” She stomped her hooves on the wooden door frame, her voice carrying clear across the street. “So help me, I’ll get you for this!” Rarity shouted. Once we were safely in an alleyway we stopped and resumed our laughter. I couldn’t believe she’d immediately blamed Dash for it. If it was this easy to prank and get away with it, we were going to have an incredible day.  “Did ya see the look on her face?” Apple Bloom was panting as she leaned back against the house, exhausted from laughing while running. “I know!” Scootaloo stood up and started pantomiming Rarity’s actions. “Not even Dash has pranked a pony so good they passed out!” She finished her charade and fell over to the ground, causing us all to break out into laughter again. Apple Bloom straightened out her bow and adjusted her saddlebags, which carried some of our supplies. “Ah can’t wait ta tell my sister about it.” I raised an eyebrow and looked at her. “You’re gonna tell the Element of Honesty that we pranked Rarity? Do you want to get us all revenge pranked?” “Oh,” she blushed and fidgeted with her hooves. “Ah guess that’s right, wouldn’t want to get grounded.” “Come on, let’s go prank somepony else!” Scootaloo jumped up and headed for the corner. “I know just the pony, they usually sleep in the afternoon ‘cuz they work at night.” “Sure thing, lead the way.” I followed the three Crusaders, who had that childish glow about them. It was the happy, smiling glow that let everypony who saw them know they were up to no good. It was pointless to try and hide it, I’d been a kid once too. The way they’d carry on and then get all serious and quiet the instant an adult looked at them was a dead giveaway that we were aiming to misbehave. When we finally got to the house I noticed some expensive stereo equipment inside the house. Whoever lived here was clearly an audiophile, and I made a mental note to stop back by sometime and see what kind of music they had, and where they got those subwoofers. If this pony got to blast music that loudly, there clearly were no laws against noise pollution. “Alright, we’ll just go in through the front door—” “Scootaloo, we’re not breaking and entering.’ I stepped in front of her and stared down at her. There were limits to what I was about to let them do. “It’s not breaking and entering if the door is unlocked, and nopony locks their doors,” Scootaloo replied. “Would that be because they trust their neighbors and live in a town where everypony knows everypony? Where no one would expect three fillies and a stallion to break in?” “Exactly!” Scootaloo started to go for the door, but I grabbed her tail with my teeth. “Nuh-uh.” I wasn’t going to be responsible for causing an entire town to lock their doors in fear of pranksters. While I had my attention in Scootaloo, I saw Apple Bloom in the corner of my eye slipping through the front door. Dear Celestia, what monsters have I created? A few minutes later she came back out with a grin a mile wide. The damage was done now, I suppose I should trust that the Crusaders knew the townsponies better than I did. Perhaps it wasn't going to be a big deal. “What’d you do?” Images of her breaking a gas line and lighting the stove to cause a massive explosion went through my head. Luckily, I knew they were children and not arsonists… yet. “Nothing.” Apple Bloom lied, a wide smile growing on her face. “I just put a little glowing shampoo in their shower. Now Vinyl’s hair will glow in the dark for days!” “You know, giving a DJ glow in the dark hair isn’t a prank?” It was still funny, but they should have just stuck to the itching powder. “Five bits says she loves having glowing hair.” Sweetie bumped my hoof. “You’re on!” I shook my head. “No way, I’m not taking you three into a nightclub to settle a bet.” “Awww, come on!” she shouted. The three huddled for a second, then trotted off towards the next house. I followed behind them, keeping an eye on the fillies as the mayhem continued. They seemed to be having a blast, and aside from the fear of getting caught, so was I. Scootaloo spent most of her time flying up into houses, leaving sneezing or itching powder on everypony’s bed. Sweetie attached clear tape to mailboxes, sealing them shut. Apple Bloom hid some whoopie cushions under the padded chairs at a local restaurant. I’m definitely gonna get caught for this. Maybe I can claim they held me hostage? All in all, it was very enjoyable. I should have quit while I was ahead, but pretty soon it was getting dark and I’m fairly certain we had pranked over half the town. “That was a lot of fun,” Scootaloo said. She looked back at her flank and sighed. “Still no cutie mark.” “Me either,” the other two chirped. They all deflated a little as they realized another crusade had failed. “Hey, at least we had fun, right?” I bumped into Scootaloo and tried to get the trio to lighten up. “We sure did.” Apple Bloom chuckled as she recalled saran wrapping over a pony’s toilet. “And nopony suspected a thing.” “Yeah, they’ll never figure out it was us,” Scootaloo added. “And if they did, what’s the worst that could hap—” “No!” I spun around and stuck a hoof to Sweetie’s mouth, stopping her from saying it. “Are you trying to jinx it?” The fillies started to laugh. “Relax, Dawn. Everypony in this town has a sense of humor,” Scootaloo laughed, pushing my hoof away from Sweetie. Everypony has a sense of humor, and access to a prank shop. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. I’ll have to make sure to keep my doors locked from now on. They still have enough itching powder left to crop-dust Canterlot. Pushing images of the three fillies breaking into my house at night out of my head, I realized how late it had gotten. Hopefully everypony would suspect Dash and Pinkie long enough for me to enter witness protection. “Alright, I’ll see you fillies later. I’m getting hungry.” “Bye!” they parroted. The three fillies headed off towards their homes, leaving me to cross over to main street and head towards town square. There was a bistro I could eat at and then go home for a relaxing, quiet night. It was a tad chilly out that night, and the clouds from earlier had vanished. The stars seemed to twinkle a little more than usual, and I was able to see the hints of the galaxy in the sky. I’d call it the Milky Way, however I didn’t know how far from Earth I really was. The universe is a big place, and for all I know I could be in Andromeda or orbiting a star comparatively close to home. As my mind wandered to the stars, I ran face-first into Pinkie Pie. “Dawn! There you are.” She bounced back as I rebounded, as if she had fully expected me to run right into her. “I had a feeling I’d find you out here! I still owe you a blind date!” I shook my head to recover from the shock of colliding with her. “Oh, sure thing, Pinkie. I’ll take you on a blind date.” She blushed, getting a cute smile as she did so. “Not me, silly! But, if the pony I set you up with doesn’t work out, maybe we can go on a date! I have a lovely macaroni and sugar recipe you’ve got to try.” Chuckling nervously, I felt my teeth ache at the thought of a pasta made primarily of sugar. “Oh, well it’s late, and I don’t want to drop by unannounced on some blind date.” “Nonsense! I told them that I had a Pinkie Sense you’d meet them for dinner at six at the bistro.” “Oh, well why didn’t you say so?” I smiled, while I looked around for some wires or an antenna to prove this was Pinkie-bot. It would explain how she seemed to predict so many things all the time, and would provide me excellent small talk for my dates. Oh, haven’t you heard? Pinkie is a robot. She runs on sugar alcohol, it’s a type of clean-burning fuel. The best part is, she can consume large quantities of sweets and nopony is any wiser. I just have to drop by every three-thousand bounces or six months, whichever comes first, and give her an oil change. There was a loud snapping sound as Pinkie clapped her hooves. “Equestria to Dawn!” “Gah!” I flinched and ducked backwards as she snapped me out of my daydream. “You zoned out pretty good there. Were you thinking about whether or not you should be a mare or a stallion now that you found out about poison joke, and are considering if you could go your whole life as a mare just to make Fluttershy fall in love with you?” Pinkie looked over the black rims of some glasses she was now inexplicably wearing, while tapping her hooves together like a shrink. I shuddered and shook my head no. “Just wondering whether or not you’re a robot. Also, without using the words ‘Pinkie Sense’, how did you guess all that about me?” “Oh, that’s easy, I saw you visit Fluttershy a few days ago. She must really like you.” Pinkie giggled, looking at me as if I were clueless. “She’s sorta shy if you didn’t notice.” “Really? It never crossed my mind,” I retorted. “Yepperoni! I’m very inquisitive, and I’ve seen how you look at Dash too—” “Are you taking me on a blind date or interrogating me on my love life?” I snapped. “Oh.” She frowned and slouched slightly as we walked. “Sorry, I just wanted to make some small talk.” I sighed, putting a wing over her to hug her. “No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you. You’re very perceptive, Pinkie, to be able to guess all these things about another pony. I’m just not ready to decide all these things right now and it’s shocking you figured them out.” She smiled and seemed to reinflate. “Okie dokie lokie! Well, Auntie Pinkie is here if you ever need somepony to talk to about it.” Pinkie shoved me forward towards the restaurant. “You’re here to meet Lyra, mint green mare with a lyre cutie mark. You can’t miss her!” I turned around but Pinkie was gone. She had left me at the entrance to the bistro so I went inside, seeing booths and tables around the main room. “How many?” a waiter asked. “I’m meeting somepony here,” I replied. “Very well.” He gestured for me to come inside. Once I got a better look, I saw her right away. In the corner was a mare with golden eyes and long flowing hair. The description of mint green was spot-on. It was a rare color, considering I hadn’t seen any other pony in town with that kind of coat. She had white streaks in her hair, and a horn. Lyra must have seen me staring from across the room, because she smiled nervously and blushed a little. I stumbled forward into a chair, eliciting a chuckle from her. Finally, I made my way over to sit down and, with any luck, have a pleasant evening. “You must be Lyra.” I reached out a hoof to shake, but instead she just bumped it. “Yep, and you must be Dawn. Nice to meet ya.” “Likewise.” I sat down and took a sip of water, staring at her eyes again. After a moment I realized I was drifting into awkward silence territory. What am I supposed to talk to her about? Being a human? Having sex with Soarin? The train? The bacon? Quick, just compliment her! “You have lovely eyes,” I spat out. Her smile made me feel giddy inside, “Thank you.” Play it cool, you’ve dated before. Don’t let the excitement of meeting somepony new make you act like a fool. “So, you’re a musician?” “Yeah, I play the lyre. What do you do for a living?” She levitated her drink up effortlessly, and for a moment I paused just to ponder how easy unicorns made magic look. Shrugging, I looked out the window. “Don’t really know yet. I’ve only been in town about a week.” Lyra leaned forward, setting her drink back down. “Hmm, where’d you live before this?” “Far away, in America.” Maybe I couldn’t go around telling everypony I was a human, but I could at least name places I knew she’d never have heard of. “I was a nurse and got tired of cleaning bedpans, next thing I know I’m eating a salad in Ponyville.” Then I inhabited Dash’s body and punched Soarin in the face. Yep, I’m just a normal, everyday pony. “Oh, cool. Pinkie had a lot of good things to say about you, but nopony seems to know much about you or they wouldn’t say. Rumor has it you’re some sort of changeling spy seeking asylum.” I laughed so hard at the thought that I had to take several deep breaths to recover. My only consolation was that if I was embarrassed to have the entire diner staring at me, Lyra must likewise be blushing profusely. “No—no, nothing like that.” I took a few more deep breaths to calm down. “I’m just new here.” “Mmmhmm, with no cutie mark. I find it kinda fascinating.” The waiter walked over to the table. “Good evening, can I get you started with some appetizers or soda?” “I’ll take a caesar salad with egg,” Lyra stated, handing him her menu. “You ready to order, Dawn?” “Yeah, I’ll take the same with extra olive oil and some soda.” “I’ll get that started for you right away.” The waiter turned and left, heading straight for the kitchen. His appearance had given me time to regroup and look around. Judging by Lyra’s drink, she hadn’t been waiting here for me long, which was a good thing. The red and white checkered tablecloth matched the tiles on the floor. The color red dominated the diner and it had the sort of fifties feel I might have seen on Earth. As my gaze flowed around the diner it finally circled back to the mare sitting in front of me. Recalling that I was here to socialize and not practice my interior design skills, I smirked and continued our conversation. “So, you were saying?” “Oh, your cutie mark, if you don’t mind me asking.” She looked down at where my flank would be if the table weren’t there, before returning her gaze to my eyes. “I’ve never met or heard about anypony without a mark by the age of eighteen. How old are you?” “Eh, twenty-eight years.” I chuckled as I recalled my rebirth as a pony. “Or, two weeks... depending on how you look at it.” “Huh?” She shifted in her seat and looked at me with her head tilted as if I might have just suffered a small stroke. She seemed split between wanting to laugh at my joke, and not knowing if I was being serious. “Oh, it’s nothing.” I didn’t think she’d buy the whole human bit anyway. Awkward silence, round two, start! It was difficult to think of things to say and connect with her. I’d never been much of a socialite, but I normally did a bit better than this. Finally I’d had enough, and decided to just get the elephant out of the room. One more pony knowing I’m a human won’t hurt anypony, right? I leaned forward, shooting a sideways glance to make sure our coast was clear. “Psst, okay, so you want to know where I came from?” Lyra cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah…” “Alright, so it’s a secret, but I’m literally not from around here. I come from a planet named Earth, and I’m human. Discord cast a spe—” Lyra’s smile vanished as she leaned back and used her magic to slide her drink to the side and grab her saddlebags. She looked like she was getting ready to leave. “Did Bon Bon and Pinkie put you up to this? You’re not even really a blank flank, are you!?” “I—what are you talking about?” I could only stare at her in confusion as I tried to think about exactly what I had said. “You asked where I came from—” “Yes, where you came from, not some made-up story about fingers, toes, and shiny—” “Stop,” I interjected, reaching a hoof out to try and stop her from leaving. “Look, I don’t know why I upset you but I’m sorry, okay? You wanted the truth and that’s the truth. Now, why do you think Bon Bon and Pinkie would go through all this trouble? I didn’t think anypony even knew humans existed.” She chewed her lip for a moment, finally relaxing. “It was just a phase in college, I had a history professor who published a book supporting the existence of humans in Equestrian fossil records, before a mass extinction event millions of years ago. It was utter rubbish, but I was young and may have spent a year or two trying to prove they were still out there somewhere, okay? It’s nothing to make fun of.” I chuckled, causing her to scowl again. “Sorry,” I raised my hooves in surrender. “Look, I know now that it may be a touchy subject, but your professor was right. I Pinkie Promise that I was a human.” The waiter walked over, levitating two salads and my soda. He set them down on the table, giving us both a pause to calm down a little, before leaving. I took a bite of the salad and drank some of my soda. Leaning forward, I began to speak in hushed tones. “Look, if you want to hear a story about the craziness that went on with Discord, and the Elements of Harmony, and cold-clocking Soarin at dinner, I’ll be glad to tell you. And if you don’t, well then let’s just pretend I’m a used cart salesman from Canterlot and enjoy our salads. Deal?” Lyra stared at me for a moment, a conspiratorial grin spreading across her face. Finally she leaned forward. “Alright, let’s hear this story of yours.” I began to recount my tale for the first time since I had gotten to Equestria. It was almost therapeutic to lay it all out on the table for her, and tell her about my life as a human and subsequent journey to Equestria. There was no detail spared. She laughed at how I knocked out Soarin or nearly trapped Dash in a flooded lavatory. The back and forth between me and Dash was another favorite, and before long we were talking about everything from automobiles to my more embarrassing details as a mare. “There’s no way! You did that for Dash?” I shrugged. “Well, I owed her and I promised to help make things right. I went on a date with Soarin, and the whole time I’m thinking ‘please don’t act like a dude, Dash is counting on you’! At least, I was thinking that before the third glass of wine.” Lyra laughed and looked at me. “Wait, you were drinking?” She smirked and batted her eyes. “Oh, so did you let Soarin spend the night?” I froze in terror before recovering. I hadn’t planned on telling her that I banged Soarin, but her soft chuckle and my reaction let me know that ship had sailed. I just nodded my head slightly. “Heh, your secret is safe with me.” I exhaled a breath of relief. “Good, so you’re not going to have me committed to Broadhoof Asylum?” Lyra tilted her head. “Well… I guess that depends on how the night goes.” The waiter headed over with our bill and set it on the table. “Closing time, you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.” I smiled and looked around, realizing we were the last ponies in the diner. It caught me off guard that I’d lost track of time so easily. “Wow, where’d the time go?” I turned to look at Lyra as the waiter left us.. Lyra levitated up a bag of bits to pay for the bill, prompting me to reach into my saddlebags. Somewhere behind the miscellaneous prank items I bought the crusaders must be some spare bits. “Well this is embarrassing,” I muttered under my breath. Beneath a container of itching powder I’d found the small, faux leather pouch. The drawstrings were loose and the inside was empty, save for some lint. I scowled a bit as I realized what this meant. “What’s the matter?” she muttered, watching me shuffle around the contents of my bag.. “Would you tell anypony if I spent all my bits on whoopee cushions and itching powder for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and couldn’t split the check?” I tossed the empty bag on the table. She chuckled and finished setting out the bits for the bill. “Well, I guess you’ll have to walk me home and we can debate how you repay me on the way.” “Thanks! I’ll get you paid back tomorrow.” I tossed my belongings back in the back and buckled them closed. Lyra rolled her eyes as she got out of the booth, and I was quick to follow. As we left the diner, she spoke up. “So, I guess now you just need to find a cutie mark, huh?” “It couldn’t hurt. I haven’t figured out what I want to do with my life yet.” “Doesn’t that describe most ponies?” I nodded. “Yeah, but most ponies don’t live half a life-time doing one thing, then have their entire world change.” “I can see how that would take a toll on you.” “No kidding.” She turned down an alley that split off before getting down to the street my house was on. Four houses down was her house and I followed her up to the door. There was something about the house that looked familiar, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. “Well, this is my house. Now, about repaying me for dinner… why don’t you come inside and have a drink and we can—” I saw the open window upstairs and interrupted her. “Wait! You can’t sleep here!” Lyra looked surprised, glancing around at my boldness. “I uh—what?” I was disproportionately panicked that my pranking earlier might ruin an otherwise pleasant evening. “Look, it’s late, you can sleep at my house.” “Huh?!” I glanced at her and saw the confused expression on her face. The poor mare must have thought I meant sex. “No! I just remembered, Scootaloo flew in your window and put itching powder on your bed. You’d have to do laundry to get the powder out—oh man, I never should have taken them pranking, but some idiot rented them chainsaws and I couldn’t let them take those out to the Everfree! I—” Lyra used her magic to grab my chin and gently close my mouth, leaning forward to kiss me. After I blinked a few times she pulled back, looking me in the eye. “You talk too much. Go ahead, I’ll follow you to your house tonight.” She winked, and released the magic. I smiled, finally putting two and two together. Tonight was my lucky night.