//------------------------------// // Episode 6: Wonderbolt Free Flyers on XBOX Kinect // Story: The Adorable/Awesome Video Game Colt // by Matthais Unidostres //------------------------------// Button Mash and Sweetie Belle were sitting at a table with their laptops. They nodded to each other and entered the Minecraft server. He's gonna play some games from past And also recent games while they last Sweetie Belle swayed from side to side as she sang. He'd rather have. . . An evil juice box. . . Call him a looser, than play a bad game! Button ran after Diamond Tiara, yelling Humgolian words at her, as she ran off with the colt's Joy Boy in her mouth. He'd rather drink. . . A freezing milkshake. . . And get brain freeze for an entire day! Button Mash did sit ups on his Wii Balance Board. He's just the cutest gamer you'll ever behold He's the adorable Nintendo Colt Button mashed buttons on his NES controller. He's the adorable Joy Boy/Sega Colt He's The Adorable Video Game Colt! Button Mash and Sweetie Belle held up a Minecraft Diamond in victory. The Adorable Video Game Colt Episode 6: Wonderbolt Free Flyers on XBOX Kinect Button stood in his room, holding a black rectangular device that appeared to be a camera of some sort. "You are the controller," Button said with a smile. "This is XBOX Kinect. A special camera that tracks your body movements and uses them to control the game. It's kind of like when you use the Wiimote to play a game and moving the Wiimote translates your movement into the game. Well, with the XBOX Kinect, you don't need any remotes. You just get up, and you become the game character. Everything you do, the game character does! AWESOME!" Button hooked up the Kinect to his XBOX and turned his system on. He then picked up a video game case. "Now, the Kinect has a really nice library of games, but this one really caught my eye," Button said as he held up the case. The box art depicted the Wonderbolts flying at high speeds through various obstacles like lava geysers and falling rocks. "Wonderbolt Free Flyers!" Button said excitedly, "I know I'm an Earth Pony, but hey! This is the video game world! The whole point is to indulge your fantasies and do things you can't do in real life. So, how about we check out what it is to be a Wonderbolt!" Button put the game disk into the XBOX, and started the game up. Button was suddenly slammed loud guitar riffs that nearly knocked him down. The intro cutscene was playing, and it showed Spitfire, Soarin, and Fleetfoot flying through sunny Las Pegasus as the loud theme song blared out of the speakers. Oh! Wonder free! In the wind! In the wind! Free to be me! In the wind! In the wind! "AHHHHH!" Button exclaimed as he ran forward and hit the mute button. "Whew!" Button sighed in relief. "Button! Keep it down!" came the angry voice of Milano Mash. "Sorry mom!" Button called out. Button then turned back to the TV. "Wow. The soundtrack sure is loud!" When the Main Menu came up, Button ran up to the TV and unmuted the TV, and the menu music played. "Wait a minute, now the music is normal? Why is the opening cutscene so loud? Shouldn't the volume be generally the same throughout the entire game?" Button asked. Button backed away and let the Kinect read him. The menu showed a bunch of circles arranged in a ring with different symbols on them. "Okay, well, since I'm the controller, I guess all I gotta do is point at the button." Button raised his right hoof, and blue dot moved up on screen and moved past one of the buttons, causing the entire ring to rotate so that the next button moved to the front. "Race for the best time on each course!" came Soarin's voice. "Huh?" Button said as he waved his hoof again, causing all the button to rotate again. "Team up for a relay for two or more players!" came Soarin's voice. "No, I want the Campaign, you know, the Grand Prix?" Button said as he moved his hoof around, causing the blue dot to wave around screen, pushing the circle of buttons around some more. "Enter the World-" Soarin began, but was cut off when the button ring rotated again. "NO! I had it!" Button complained as he waved his hoof around in an oval shape over and over again. "Race for the best-" "Team up for-" "Enter the World-" "Race for the best-" "Enter the-" "Team up with a friend and race against your rivals in Wing Pony Race!" "Close enough!" Button complained as he pulled his hoof down, dragging the Wing Pony Race icon to a blue arrow in the bottom right corner of the screen. "Sweetie Belle, change in plans. You're playing with me!" "Okay!" Sweetie Belle said excitedly as she ran next to Button Mash as the Track Select menu appeared on screen. It was another ring of six buttons, each depicting a track. "Oh no, not this again!" Button moaned as he rubbed his forehead. "Um, I think the menu's voice activated," Sweetie Belle said. "Huh?" Sweetie Belle pointed to the microphone icon at the top of the screen. "Oh yeah, the Kinect has a microphone in it!" Button said in understanding, but then he frowned, "But they don't display the names of the buttons on the menu until you have it selected! How am I supposed to know what they're called?" "Memorize them?" Sweetie Belle suggested. "WHY!? This is a racing game! Not Brain Age!" Button complained, then he frowned and said, "And I just got this game! I don't know what these tracks are called!" Button sighed, and one of the icons caught his eye. It depicted a track filled with fire and magma. "Oooh, that looks awesome! Even the box art shows the Wonderbolts dodging magam shooting up! That must be the best track!" Button said eagerly. Then he scratched his chin and said, "Hmmm. . .okay. . .uh. . .Magma." Nothing happened. "Magma," Button said clearly. Still nothing. "Fire. . .Lava!" Button said loudly. The ring swung over to a stage called Forgotten Tomb. "Tomb!? I didn't say that!" Button exclaimed. "Fire!" Sweetie Belle shouted, trying to be helpful, "The red one!" "Maybe if we said it together?" Button suggested. "Worth a try," Sweetie Belle said with a shrug. "Okay. One, two, three-" "MAGMA!" The pair stared at the unmoving wheel for a while with deadpan stares. "I'll just do it manually," Button muttered as he lifted his hoof and swiped at the ring in an attempt to bring down the fire level. However, he ended up spinning the wheel in the opposite direction that he wanted it to go in. "Grrr. Denkalith!" "I'll do it!" Sweetie Belle said as she swiped her blue dot across the screen with her hoof. "No, let me! You're making it move all weird!" Button complained. "You aren't doing so well, yourself," Sweetie Belle shot back. Before too long, they had finally managed to select the red track. The caption read, "Magma Rift." Button's mouth nearly hit the floor, and then he burst out in a furious rage, "IT IS MAGMA!!! GRRRRR! ARRGH! DENKALITH-!" Sweetie Belle could only watch in shock as Button Mash began speaking furiously in Humgonian. Then they went to the character selection screen. Sweetie Belle chose Spitfire, and Button chose Soarin. Then the screen showed the beginning of the race with the two of them lined up at the starting line with the other racers. "Alright," Button said as he went into position, his legs spread out and his center of gravity low, "Here's how it works. Lean left or right to turn. Lean forward to go faster. Lean back to slow down." "Okay, that doesn't sound hard," Sweetie Belle said as she mirrored Button's Kinect Stance. 3. . .2. . .1. . .GO! The Wonderbolts all took off at a high speed. Soarin and Spitfire were each in their own split screen, with Button sending Soarin far ahead of Spitfire. A curve of lava geysers suddenly burst up ahead. "Turn, turn, turn!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed. "I know, I know, I know!" Button replied as he and Sweetie Belle leaned to the right, and their character turned away from the flying lava. "Hey, it works!" Sweetie Belle said with a smile, then she looked at Button and said, "And if this is a Wing Pony Race, you should wait up for me!" "But I have the lead! You have to keep up, Slowpoke!" Button replied cockily. "Oh yeah? Slowpoke this!" Sweetie said as she smiled and leaned forward, causing Spitfire to zoom forward and catch up to Soarin. However, when the two ponies neared each other, something strange happened. The split screens changed into one screen with both characters, and a magical string appeared and tethered the two Wonderbolts together. "What the hay is that?" Button asked in confused. Spitfire and Soarin got close to each other, and then they reached reached over and held each other's hoof. Sweetie Belle blinked, "Holding hooves?" "During a race?!" Button said in utter shock. Sweetie Belle looked over to Button Mash and said with a blush, "Maybe it's. . .a date game?" Button felt his face blush powerfully. He swallowed, chuckled nervously, and said, "Well. . .you gotta play a game right. . ." Button held out his right hoof, and Sweetie Belle took it in her left hoof. The pair focused on the game, still conscious of each other's touch. However, as they leaned in all directions in order to control their characters, they ran into a serious problem. WHACK! "OWWW!! IT HURTS! WAAAAAAH-AAAH-AAAH! SWEETIE BELLE!" Button cried as he massaged his head where it had connected with Sweetie Belle's. "Why are you blaming me for! That was your fault!" Sweetie Belle complained as she rubbed her own head. "No it wasn't!" "Well I'm pretty sure the first five times was your fault!" Button growled and shouted, "Two player is BROKEN! Battle Bunnies is a better two player game than this!" Button looked at the screen and saw that it had went to the pause menu because they had apparently stepped out of the Kinect's vision sight. "Main menu!" Button said, and the menu wheel rotated to the main menu button. "Select!" The game returned to the main menu. "That was awful!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed. "You're telling me. Let's play New Super Mareo Sisters Wii after this," Button said. "Now that sounds fun," Sweetie Belle said with a smile as she walked away from the screen. Button sighed and looked at the screen. "Well, I'm gonna try a Free Race this time." Button managed to select the Free Race button, and then selected Forgotten Tomb (by saying "Magma", of course), and went into the race as Soarin again. The race began, and Button leaned forward to pick up speed as he entered an old temple straight out of a Daring Do book. Torch light illuminated the stone chambers within. Up ahead of Soarin was a line of golden Wonderbolt emblems floating and spinning in mid air. "Those must charge up the speed meter," Button said as he looked at an empty energy bar marked with one of the emblems. Button reached out a hoof to grab the emblems as he flew past, but this just caused Soarin to turn to the right and slam into the wall. "AHH!" Button gasped as the screen's sudden jerk to one side caused his eyes to spin. Button shook off the sudden dizziness and got his bearings on the screen. "Well that's was terrible! What's the point of putting in a game mechanic that doesn't work with your controls!" Soarin got back up and continued the race. "Man, that didn't feel so good," Button moaned miserably. Saorin then approached a stone ramp that catapulted him over a pit full of crocodiles. "Oh, I gotta do a trick! I gotta do a trick! Um. . ." Button jumped and spun in mid air, causing Soarin to do a similar move. Button landed unsteadily and nearly fell over as Soarin cleared the pit, receiving a B ranking for his trick. "Great," Button said grumpily, "I do that crazy trick, my head's spinning, combining it with these graphics and loud obnoxious music is giving me a headache, and- DEAD END!!!" Saorin was flying down a really narrow corridor and was moving at full speed towards a dead end. It was actually a 90 degree turn in the corridor, but space was so tight that it would be impossible for anypony to turn sharp enough the avoid hitting the wall. However, floating in Soarin's path was a ring of sparkling clouds tilted at an angle. When Soaring flew through the ring, he sharply jerked 90 degrees and went around the corner, suddenly moving twice as fast as he was before. "AHHH!" Button cried out at the sudden change of direction in speed, his eyes darting around the screen in confusion. Soarin was flying down this corridor, bnaging against the walls repeatedly and making the game screen shake, until he came to another 90 degree turn with a redirector speed cloud ring, causing the sudden jerk to happen again. To Button's dismay, this happened a total of four times. "Ohhhhh. . ." Button moaned as he held his head. This caused Soarin to turn yet again and slam into a wall a final time. "Uuuggggh! I hate this game," Button moaned as he closed his eyes and held his head in his forehooves. "I. . .I feel sick . . ." Button then ran out of his room and into the bathroom. The sounds of vomiting could clearly be heard for a good minute. After the flushing of a toilet and sound of the sink, Button came back into the room looking very angry. Button mother watched from the doorway, looking very concerned.i "That's it. I'm done This game is AWFUL!" Button cried, "It's loud! It's annoying! It's crazy! It's broken! It's TERRIBLE!" Button turned the game off and put the disk back into it's case. He looked at the box and shuddered. He put the game on his desk and said, "Sweetie Belle, we can play tomorrow. Right now, I need a bottle of juice." Sweetie Belle gasped, "A bottle!?!?" Button nodded gravely, "Yeah. It's that bad. I seriously need to replenish the HP, Stamina, and Mana that I flushed down the toilet. Fast. Do you use a regular health potion after you beat a boss? No, you used the greater health potion. . ." Button went on and on in his tirade about healing potions, healing items, and healing spell as he and Sweetie Belle walked by Button's shocked mother and into the kitchen. The camera turned back on, revealing Milano Mash, mother Button Mash, looking very unhappy. "Okay, you listen to me," she said seriously, "Button Mash has never gotten sick from playing a video game. Video games are literally his passion, and he's dealt with every kind imaginable, both good and bad. He's played them for hours on end. He's stayed up all night playing video games. Now, if a game makes him sick after playing just a few minutes, if it makes him shudder just from looking at the game box," Milano tapped the lense of the camera with the tip of her hoof to punctuate her words, "Then something is seriously wrong!" Milano sighed and rubbed her face with her foreleg, taking heavy, furious, laboured breaths that signified intense anger. She put her leg down and continued her piece, her voice tense with anger and her pupils dilating, "And you know what makes this even worse? Button had an unopened copy of Kinect Sports that came with the Kinect. Well, Button also had Kinect Adventures, so he said that he'd rather stick with and trade in Kinect Sports for something else. He said he wanted Wonderbolt Free Fliers. And I thought, 'Well, it's the Wonderbolts. The symbols of skill and excellence. Surely anything connected to them would have plenty of work done on it to make sure it's off the highest quality.'" Milano clenched her teeth furiously and shouted, "And look what this game has done to him! Well guess what? IT'S PAYBACK TIME! I am going to do what every good parent has to right- no- responsibility to do! the worst possible thing you can to do to this game, I'm going to do it right now!" Milano Mash snatched up the game and ran out of the room. Milano stood outside of a store, staring up at in angrily. "You know, I remember a time when you could return an opened game because it was a bad game," she said, still breathing heavily with anger, "But you can't do that anymore. You can only return unopened games, or trade opened games in for a 2 bit store credit. But you know what. I am going to make them accept this return not only because this game is broken, but because it's a HAZARD!" And with that, Button's mother angrily stormed into the store, slamming the door behind her with all the force she could muster. When Milano arrived back home, she found Button and Sweetie sitting at the kitchen table. Button was chugging down a 10 oz bottle of apple juice. He took a deep breath after finishing the bottle off and smacked his lips. He let out a loud belch, and then looked over to see his mother. He blinked nervously and smiled, "Uh, excuse me, mom. Sorry." To his shock, his mother just laughed and said, "Oh, it's fine sweetie. Just remember to say 'excuse me'." "Uh. . .alright," Button replied. Milano Mash smiled warmly, "Good. Oh, and about that game you just played. You don't have to worry about it anymore. It's gone, and you'll never have to see it ever again." "Huh?" Button asked. Milano reached into the bag she was carrying and pulled out the game Kinect Sports and a small pile of bits. "Mom fixed everything for you, sweetie. Everything's back to the way it was before," she said sweetly. "YAY!" Button cheered as he jumped up and hugged his mother tightly, "Thanks mom! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Button then turned to Sweetie Belle and asked, "Hey, you think Applebloom and Scootaloo would wanna hang out in the park?" "They sure would!" Sweetie Belle replied. "Then let's go!" Button declared, and the two ponies ran off happily. Milano watched them go and sighed contentedly, "Well, it seems like everything turned out well in the end." But then she frowned, "But those money loving corporate game company try to cheat innocent children out of their allowances like this again, I'm just going to FLIP OUT!!!" Deep in the heart of Filth Rich Industries, a small sealed tube containing a game box ross out of the floor. Out of hte shadows, Filthy Rich walked out and approached it. The tube opened with a his, revealing the game to be Wonderbolt Free Flyers. With FRI in sight, Crafting through the night, Bad games taking flight! Filthy Rich held up the game high in front of a control panel with monitors showing the game being mass produced. Outside, pegasi in suits were shipping out cartloads of the game in ever direction as the game factor cast a dark shadow over them. Nowhere to run, Nowhere to hide Panic spreading far and wide Who can turn the tide? Standing on a hilltop across form the factory and basking in the Sun's light was Milano Mash, her brown hair blowing in the breeze. She worse a LARPer's Paladin outfit and held a sword in her teeth. Angry Mom! Angry Mom is there! Angry Mom! Angry Mom is there! Milano pointed heroically, and an army of ponies made up of Derpy Hooves, Miss Cheerilee, Gamer Luna, Rarity and her parents, and a number of other adults, mostly parents, ran out in an all out charge. Angry Mom heads the resistance to defend Equestria against corporate organizations determined to take advantage of children by stealing their money and corrupting their minds. Milano's Army charged against the FRI army, lead by Filthy Rich. Unicorns on both sides fired magical blasts at each other, but none of them hit. Angry Mom! Angry Mom is there! Angry Mom! Both armies suddenly clashed in a huge explosion. When the smoke cleared, Milano's army was triumphant, and she stood on top of Filthy Rich, waving her flag depicting her Cutie Mark triumphantly. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The Angry Mom Show! Coming Soon! Leave suggestions on what games Milano Mash should review! Credits Angry Joe Show: Sonic Free Riders Review - Outright Broken! Desilent49: Sonic Free Riders - Red hot calibration rage caused by unnecessary restraints of evil Picture Credit: manerion on Tumblr