//------------------------------// // 22. Evaluations, Stations, and Recommendations - Part Three // Story: Letters From a Little Princess Monster // by Georg //------------------------------// Letters From a Little Princess Monster Evaluations, Stations, and Recommendations - Part Three “Gonna murder those firework-spewing little pests. I don’t care if they catch me because no jury would ever convict me after blowing up half of Ponyville twice in just...” The rest of Trixie’s sleepy rant faded into a sour mumbling as she passed several happy members of the town headed the other way, laughing and chatting among themselves with cushions and blankets on their backs. As much as she tried to ignore the occasional wave and smile directed in her direction, there existed the distinct possibility that some of the townsponies actually liked her, in some weird and most probably temporary fashion. Through the clearing smoke from the exhausted fireworks display, she could see the small herd of small ponies gathering on the train station platform, all clustered around a pale green pony she recognized from college drama classes. “Greenie, you little—” Trixie changed her next word as a dozen small trusting faces looked up at her “—troublemaker. I didn’t know they were going to send you to test this bunch, or I would have…” She trailed off as she got a good look at him. It had been several years since she last saw the snarky little bookworm, but those years had not treated him very well at all. He had been fairly stocky in college, engaged in a constant battle between stress and beer that made his weight fluctuate wildly, but he had never looked as near starvation as he did now. Baron Chrysanthemum, who was some financial big-shot in Parliament, had the same solid frame but with probably more than twice the bulk, looking a little like he was lurking nearby in case a sudden gust of wind were to blow his son away. “Trixie,” said the green pony with a subdued smile, the same practiced one he used in college when he was about to ask for the return of a favor. “Do you have things set up in the Town Hall like last year?” “I wasn’t here last year, Greenie.” Trixie gestured to the Town Hall in the distance and the scaffolding surrounding it. “Besides, it had a little — accident. We had to move your tiny tot torture chamber somewhere else.” “Oh.” Green Grass blinked a few times before nodding at his servant. “Well, Friday, I guess you should take the rest of the equipment to the library. It will be a little tight, but I think Miss Dewey will be accommodating to our…” He looked at Trixie with those adorable blue eyes again and frowned at the slow shaking of her head. “Miss Dewey retired, the library’s full, and don’t you read the papers? Good grief, have you been hiding in some cave for the last few months?” The last thing Trixie expected was to see Greenie flinch in pain. In college, he had always been backstage at the various plays and musicals in some minor role, much as a linchpin on a wagon axle was a minor part of the structure, and she had taken great glee in her ability to make him sweat with unexpected demands or problems. She couldn’t help it; he was just so cute when he panicked. The flicker of suppressed terror that she saw in his eyes this morning was not cute in the slightest, and she shifted conversational gears to smooth things along until she could get him alone and find out what had gotten his tail into such a knot. “Relax, Green Bean. I got permission from a new business in town to set up in their unused space. They don’t have all their equipment assembled, and they’re out of town for a week on a buying run, so as long as you don’t burn anything down—” ~ ~ * ~ ~ There seemed to be some history between Trixie and the new teacher, and Monster stayed quiet while tagging along as they walked across town to the testing building. The rest of the students were happily chatting among themselves with stories about what had happened since last year while Chrysanthemum and Friday drifted to the back of the group for their own discussion in low tones that were impossible to hear. All four of them were hiding what they really thought behind their expressions, and it irritated her just as much as whatever secret mom and Tallgrass had been concealing for the last few days. Secrets were just fine, as long as she could see what they were, and this felt a lot like that puzzle she had helped her friends put together that had a half-dozen pieces the wrong color in it and more than one piece that had been ‘encouraged’ into a spot by an impatient little hoof. The inside of ‘Java le Choza’ had been divided into eight portions for the standardized test sections, and volunteers from the town had helped Trixie get it set up earlier, although there was a suspicious amount of pointing on Trixie’s part while the rest of the volunteers had been lifting, carrying and moving. The boxes that Friday and Green Grass carried into the building were promptly gathered up and distributed to their proper locations by the volunteers, all of whom spent a few extra moments with Green Grass, patting him on the back or asking how his time away from the town had gone. Monster even briefly appropriated one of the empty cardboard boxes, poking eye holes and a horn holder in it as a safe place to hide during the bustle and confusion of the setup, but was encouraged out of it shortly afterwards by the rest of the little students. After the equipment was set up and everypony collected their folder of papers, each of the little unicorn (and changeling) students went to their own testing station, some by themselves, and some with an older pony to provide support. Monster stayed right next to Trixie’s shoulder through the first few tests where she lifted weights and moved a little stick through a maze without knocking tiny blocks called ‘dominos’ over, and huddled even closer in the test where she was supposed to make a light glow from her horn. The close attention of the earth pony monitoring the test made her nervous, which made her horn glow dim, which made her more nervous, until all she could do was make a light slightly brighter than a sick firefly. Still, the colorful earth pony gave her a delicious candy and patted her on the head, praising her efforts and telling her how Twist talked about her all the time at home. “Twist is your little sister?” asked Monster partway through unwrapping the candy with her hooves. “Yes, she is. And after what she told me about Trixie, I’m going to give her something too.” The earth pony pushed a candy across the table at Trixie, who frowned at it and pushed it back. “No, Bon Bon. I’m trying to lose weight.” Bon Bon pushed it back across the table. “It’s sugar-free.” Trixie pushed it back. “I don’t like sugar-free candy.” Bon Bon pushed it back again. “You’ll like this. Try it.” Trixie reached out to push it back and choked as the candy flashed in a straight line into her mouth, boosted by a little purple magic. “Twist makes good candy,” said Monster, concentrating to keep from lisping as she talked. It was strange, but the more time she spent with her friends, the more of their habits she was picking up. Maybe even someday she could ride on scoot’s wagon without screaming in panic. “Why thank you, Twilight,” said Bon Bon with a warm smile. “Um… You’re a little different than my little sis described you, but I’m glad to finally meet you.” Monster could tell Bon Bon’s eyes were intentionally avoiding looking at her little filly wings, and she rustled them uncomfortably under her cloak. “You know?” She extended the tip of one wing out from under the cloak and looked at the earth pony mare, ready to bolt back under her cardboard box at the first scream. “Yes, we all do.” Bon Bon reached over and tucked the cloak back over her wings before giving her a reassuring pat. “You’re a good little pony on the inside, and that’s what counts.” Monster opened her mouth to thank the teacher before heading to the next evaluation station, but what came out was a bellowed, “The Great and Powerful Trixie is choking to death!” Trixie staggered back from the table, her horn still lit with the Ventriloquism spell and both forelegs grasping at her neck. She took two stuttering steps before a green blur smashed into her, knocking her to the ground and coming down on her slightly-distended tummy with a solid thump that drove all the air out of Trixie’s lungs and sent the dislodged candy rocketing across the room. As Green Grass stumbled to his hooves, the whole room suddenly became very quiet and slightly darker. Silhouetted in the doorway to the store was a tall figure with wings outstretched and horned head held proudly up as she trotted almost silently inside. The stunned ponies remained quiet as Princess Luna looked around the room, seeming slightly more glossy and well-groomed than Monster thought was possible. There was a faint tinge to the air around Luna’s mane and face, a subtle wrongness that showed she was hiding something from Monster too, just like the rest of the adult ponies, and it dug at the back of her mind with tiny claws. ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ The floor of the coffee shop was cool on her back, making Trixie pause for a minute before any attempt to get back up. The whole town was obviously trying to kill her, from her first slip off the chariot at last years Summer Sun Celebration trip, to that memorable moment at the doorway of the Town Hall as Nightmare Moon blew her puppet-spell into plasma, and even smacking herself in the nose this morning when trying to open her sticky bedroom door and finding the latch was missing. Her nose throbbed, her throat hurt from that sickly-sweet candy, and her gut throbbed in four distinct places, one per green hoof that had landed on her like a falling anvil, but she kept her eyes closed rather than look at the panting green pony. After all, every bit of embarrassment she could eke out of him would be one that would not have the townsponies laughing at her situation. With a quick dramatic fling of her foreleg over her face, Trixie continued the Ventriloquist spell on Menace. “Quick! Trixie isn’t breathing! Trixie needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Greenie, hurry!” This time, a wave of titters and chuckles filled the air as Trixie could imagine Green Grass blushing a brilliant scarlet. She could hear the slow clop of approaching hoofsteps and the lights from above darkened as the pony stopped above her, leaning down. Trixie fought down a grin and puckered up instead, keeping her eyes closed while waiting for at least a quick kiss in exchange for her breathtaking (literally) performance. But instead of the expected kiss, a resonant voice entirely too near to her brought a panicked chill up her spine. “Art thou attempting intimacy with one who hath declared his intentions upon my heart?” ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ The world seemed to be slipping inevitably out of Luna’s grasp, from the very first thing in the morning after Celestia had left the castle and quite firmly placed her in charge, to the mass of petitioners who had all but ignored her in Morning Court, giving their exclusive attention to the pretty pink alicorn princess who was sitting in for the Princess of the Sun for a few days. It was a sickening whirl of recollection to the times when their ponies ignored her beautiful night and heaped praise without end upon her sister for her blessed days. It had affected her mood to the point it became easy to identify the changelings within the castle due to the way they skittered away at her approach, even since they had decided to adopt their rather unique method of identification. To make matters worse, she had felt the touch of others upon her moon this morning, not just her sister. An irrational desire to travel to her blessed orb with a squirt bottle and some rags to clean the unwelcome sensation had been a constant companion in the back of her mind all morning, and had even given her the excuse to peek into one of the cleaning closets in the castle to determine just what would be needed for the project and how many tons. She was not fleeing her problems by traveling to Ponyville. This was merely a supervisory trip to a familiar town in order to familiarize herself with differences in the evaluation process that young unicorns were subjected to in order to lay out a course of study that would properly challenge their new skills. The fact that it took her miles away from Canterlot was a fringe benefit, not the purpose of the trip. Some small fraction of the stress she had carried for the last few days sloughed away as she descended through the scattered clouds in the direction of the unmistakable thaumaturgic signatures of a dozen or more young unicorns attempting to create new loopholes in the immutable laws of physics. Children had always soothed her soul with their wide-eyed appreciation of all things strange and wonderful, and the sight of a dozen or so of the little unicorns all concentrating on lifting objects or creating lights was a relief as she came through the door. There was even a small changeling child, concentrating so hard that his tail kept changing from the long silky form of a lion to the swept two-tone curl of a young pony as he held a few small ping-pong balls suspended in front of his face. The sudden cry of alarm from her sister’s unruly student brought all attention to Trixie, even though the voice had come directly from Twilight Sparkle by way of a rather intriguing charm, but before Luna could react, a familiar green blur streaked across the room and rather violently slammed into Trixe. She winced as the older student bounced, and then winced again as the skinny green colt jumped on her chest with all four hooves, dislodging an object that flew around the room. It was a little bit of a shock to realize Trixie had actually been choking, as her first instinct was that the arrogant unicorn was just overacting in the hopes of getting attention, but when Trixie used her magic to project her voice from Twilight Sparkle again, Luna felt something deep inside twist in agony. Discounting the thousand year gap, there had only ever been a few stallions and one mare who had ever declared their desire to be mated with her, personally, right in her face in public. There had been oblique requests, discrete inquiries, gentle prods during conversations, and even one Saddle Arabian Prince who had sent a thousand slaves⁽¹⁾ and tons of golden tribute in a request for her to become his third wife, but the number of ponies who could screw up the courage to say so directly was vanishingly small. (1) The slaves were freed and given territory in Southern Equestria. They integrated with the inhabitants of the area to such a degree that the the only sign of their presence a dozen generations later was a preponderance of Miss Equestria candidates from the area, along with elevated levels of hummus consumption. A curl of smoke drifted unnoticed from her nostrils as she stepped forward into the room, deliberately keeping her illusionary image across her form as she had recently grown accustomed. Even the slightest hair out of place seemed to drive the Canterlot royalty into a fit of nasty whispering, and her illusionary shell had probably saved more than one of their lives, but for now, she needed the cover in order to avoid frightening the children with the fury that roiled in her heart. Strike her down. Take what is yours. Luna was not quite certain just exactly what she said to Trixie, but the student opened her eyes with a jolt and managed the trick of crawling backwards while using only the muscles on her back. Before she could follow, the green colt slipped back in front of her with a broad grin and a few words for the onlookers that indicated a humorous side of the situation that she could not see at all. She gradually quenched her anger while Green Grass and Trixie introduced her around the room with little Twilight Sparkle tagging along behind. All of the young ones including the little changeling shied away from her at first, but with encouragement from both of her escorts, they all managed to touch hooves and look her in the eye before scurrying off to their next assignment, one even returning briefly to state in a loud voice how much she liked her mane. The adults likewise were more circumspect about their suspicions of her, which was understandable considering the large holes in the town hall which had not yet been repaired, but they also were willing to face their fears and welcome her to the town despite any justified reservations. Using the excuse of a private conversation with Green Grass and Trixie, she permitted herself to be guided to the unfinished ‘office’ and seated herself on a number of soft cushions which had been stored inside. The time they had spent among the children had been a powerful incentive to restrain her anger, and for a moment she considered if the green colt had planned it that way. It took very little effort to realize that both of them had contributed to a mutual effort to keep her from losing her temper in front of the town she had terrorized so much before, and the red glow of anger in her belly turned into a lump of ice that made her glad she was already sitting down. “Shall I get you some refreshments before your meeting with Beatrix, Your Highness.” The green colt hesitated at the door, trying to put on an air of casual relaxation despite the tension that drew his scrawny muscles into taunt lines under his loose and considerably lumpy jacket. He obviously expected to be sent away, and she could see the trapped panic in his eyes as she pointed with one hoof at an unoccupied cushion and waited for him to get properly seated. “We would like to apologize to you both. Our entry into your scholastic evaluation didst disrupt…” Luna paused, and continued a little slower. “We disrupted your evaluation, and would like to apologize for your inconvenience.” While nodding back, Trixie took her first complete breath since Luna had walked in the door. She coughed briefly before responding in a slightly raspy voice, “That’s fine, Princess Luna. Greenie was probably looking for an excuse to miss the train back to Canterlot anyway so he can duck out on his wedding.” She gave the skinny colt a sharp elbow in the ribs and continued, oblivious to the way ‘Greenie’ had frozen up into a near rigid panic. “What is this, Tubby? Your third or fourth?” “Fourth,” he squeaked, barely able to open his mouth. She chuckled and reached up to bump Green Grass’ hat down almost over his eyes. “So is this one another old housemare needing a bit of pool candy or the laughing hyena again? I swear, I tried so hard to get invited to your receptions after I missed the first two just to see how you were going to pull your next vanishing act. I was considering stealing it and using it in my show.” Trixie turned from her playful teasing to look at Luna with a smirk. “What’s wrong, Princess. Didn’t he invite you to the wedding?” “No.” Luna held her temper with great effort. “He proposed to me not one day ago, and I allowed him three weeks for my decision.” Trixie jabbed another elbow into Green Grass’ side and chortled, “You proposed to the Princess? You’ve got ba—” She stopped mid-sentence and ever so slowly turned back towards Luna. “He did?” “He did.” “Well.” Trixie crept backwards towards the door while stammering, “I suppose I should leave you two lovebirds to discuss things among yourselves while I go see how the children are—” She stopped at Luna’s stern gesture and followed the Royal Hoof as it pointed back to the cushion she had just vacated. “Or I could just sit here while the two of you… talk.” “We wish to hear your ‘side’ of our intended,” said Luna in a slow, deliberate fashion. “For the past day, none of the castle advisors would speak of him other than to state his name and family lineage, as if the lives of ponies long dead were an indication of his present temperament and suitability for my marriage bed.” “Bed?” squeaked Green Grass, swaying back and forth slightly where he sat. “Didst thou not offer thy name and thy honor to me, Lord Green Grass?” said Luna, fixing the pale green colt with a determined stare. “What didst thou think thy promise was? A jest, thrown to a disgraced mare who thou wouldst laugh at behind her back?” “No! I mean…” He cringed beneath her gaze, but to his credit, he continued to look her in the eyes even as he remained frozen in fear. “Honestly, Your Highness. I’d dump him if I were you.” Trixie rolled her eyes. “His parents keep setting him up with crazy mares in arranged marriages. He’s not really husband material now, and he wasn’t really husband material in college. He’s thin-skinned, annoying, snarky, and only really cares about teaching little unicorns. He’s even has it on his rump.” She gestured at Green Grass’ cutie mark, a stubby unicorn horn with a few weak sparks surrounding it. “We see. Hath he any good qualities that you have perceived?” “Well…” Trixie paused with a sideways glance at the trembling colt. “He was very reliable in college. If he volunteers to do a job, that job gets done, no matter what or who stands in his way. He’s a lot smarter than he looks despite all of his protestations to the contrary, because whenever I had to copy off his notes for a class, they were always perfect, even if he was failing the class. And he had a truly wicked sense of humor. In a good way, that is.” She turned to face the colt, who was looking more embarrassed than frightened now. “We never did find out who put the flea eggs in Prim Prussiance’s bed.” Relaxing ever so slightly, Luna continued. “Has he any worthy talents?” “In bed?” Trixie raised one eyebrow. “I never did… I mean he’s not my type.” “Are you going to have sex with him?” The quiet childish voice that spoke propelled Green Grass forward much as a frog who had sat on a hot ember. Luna caught him mid-leap in her magic and held the trembling colt above the ground as she regarded the small colorful alicorn that his abrupt leap had revealed, seated just behind a stunned Trixie. “Good morn, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna rotated her captive to face the little student before continuing. “We thought you were still in the other room being evaluated with your friends.” “I’m done.” The little alicorn blinked twice while looking up between her hovering teacher and Luna, adding, “So are you going to have sex with him?” “Menace!” Finally recovered from shock, Trixie tried to hold a hoof over Twilight’s mouth. “I’m sorry, Your Highness.” “Allow her to speak,” said Luna with a nod as she sat the suddenly nervous colt down beside Twilight. “To reject a question without knowing the whole of it is foolishness.” “Well,” started Twilight with a distinct hunch to her shoulders as if she were wishing to hide under her cardboard box again. “If you are evaluating him for a mate, wouldn’t you want to know if he were able to have sex? Mom had sex with Tallgrass and now they’re acting like they’re mated.” “Twilight Sparkle,” began Luna before considering her audience and changing her approach. “It is inappropriate for a Princess of Equestria to ‘sample’ one of the nobility. The rest of the nobles would be quick to cry favoritism, and the alternative is… highly inappropriate for the modern era. Roam is ancient history now.” “Oh.” Those soft violet eyes blinked twice, a sign that Luna was beginning to realize constituted dangerous levels of mental activity. “He could have sex with Trixie, and she could evaluate his performance for you.” “Menace!” Trixie spluttered in indignation. “How can you… What makes you think… Why in the heavens would…” The little alicorn was gathering steam as she talked, waving off Trixie’s objections as inconsequential to implementing a good idea. “Well, she’s helping evaluate all of the students skills. Wouldn’t she be able to evaluate how well he has sex? Since you were on the moon for so long, maybe the grading scale has changed.” ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ The rest of the little unicorn (and one changeling) students had gathered into a small group, chattering among themselves as the teachers and volunteers folded up chairs and put testing tools back into boxes. When Monster came trudging into their vicinity, she was greeted with happy smiles and a ebullient outburst from Firelock asking, “Did you see me set the apple on fire!?” “No. Was with Luna. They didn’t like my questions.” Monster accepted the glass of punch offered and took a drink, looking suspiciously around the room as Pinkie Pie bounced in high arcs around the outside, leaving heart-shaped decorations and streamers attached to the wall in her wake. “Party?” “Yep!” said Sweetie Belle. “Your mom and Tallgrass are going to make an announcement.” ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ Far away in Canterlot, the private study of the Luna and Celestia remained almost perfectly silent while the phoenix and the creature who looked like Rainbow Dash stared at each other. As confrontations went, it was not very stressful. Philomena cocked her head sideways while watching the multicolored pegasus, apparently puzzled at the degree of attention she was getting in return. The wisp could not believe what it saw through the eyes of the pony. There was fire here, a blaze of power and light that could come close to matching its own, wrapped in beautiful feathers of shimmering red and glittering gold. It had watched through Flower’s eyes for years as she had wandered the green cold place with the danger, and had only caught a glimpse of a creature like this once at an extreme distance. Flower had hid from it, of course, and the creature had not pursued. But there was something more to this creature that made the wisp remain frozen in fascination while a cascade of thoughts poured through its thinking. The eyes. The bird-thing had the most beautiful eyes, filled to the very brim with life and curiosity. They reminded it of Flower for some reason, on the rare occasion she had looked into a frigid pool of deadly water to see herself without turning away and running. The words on a nearby sign swam into focus as it continued to watch the bird, bringing meaning to the ‘name’ of the creature. The wisp was still not quite clear on names despite having years of experience with Flower, or Monster, or even that brief moment of extreme pain when she called herself Twilight. Apparently the creature was much the same, either bearing the name ‘Philomena’ or ‘Phoenix’ or even ‘Careful, She Bites.’ It wanted to communicate with the Philomena, but the cold things seemed to converse best with creatures of similar types, and the wisp considered the body of cold flesh it had drawn about itself with minor concern. It had already spent a great deal of its internal fire to make one envelope of cold flesh, but this was a wonderful opportunity it had not considered earlier. It placed the six metal objects onto the ground next to the rest of the marvelous things and focused its power on another transformation. * * * A few minutes later, the gate guards and two unicorn bureaucrats dove for cover in a flurry of uncompleted paperwork as a pair of phoenix swept grandly out the door. To the guard’s brief observation⁽¹⁾, the birds were happily chirping and squawking at each other as they flew, and the sound of rustling paper quickly sounded as the guards frantically flipped through the Abbreviated Equestrian Royal Guard Manual of Codes and Signals in search for a code that described what they had just seen⁽²⁾. (1) As reported on copies of Form EEECIPD 176.75 sub P (Extradimensional or extraplanar elemental creature of infinite power in disguise, revision 75, Subcategory Polymorphic) indicating that Philomena did not appear to be under any undue mental influence in their brief observation, and that they had issued orders to the rest of the Royal Guard to be on Double High Prank Alert due to the male phoenix that they had observed with her. (2) Code 104/M — Princess Celestia’s pet has a date.