//------------------------------// // Temp Intermission: April Fools 2014 // Story: Stuck In Equestria // by VaporingRat //------------------------------// I groaned as I struggled back into the conscious realm. My back was stiff from lying on something slightly warm and hard, like a metal surface. I opened my eyes, blinking and adjusting my sight to compensate for the large bright light above me. I attempted to raise a hand to rub my eyes, but something was holding it down at the wrist. A similar check on all of my other limbs showed the same result, and I attempted to try and look around, to see who put me here, or where I was. "Ah, you're awake!" A very familiar voice cooed from somewhere beyond my vision in my current position. "I thought I may have put too much tranquilizing agent in your salad, since there was enough there to put Princess Celestia to sleep for hours!" "Twilight, is that you...? Where am I?" I asked groggily, the tranquilizers not yet completely worn off. "Why can't I move?" "Oh, you're in the basement of the library. And I had to restrain you, in case you tried to escape before I could finish," she explained matter-of-factly, with a noticeable hint of excitement. "Hang on, let me adjust this just a tad..." Whatever I was pinned to shuddered for a second, before tilting upwards, allowing me to see the purple Unicorn culprit. She was sitting behind some sort of control panel, which looked like it came straight out of Star Trek The Original Series. On her lap was Spike the dragon, who appeared to be in some sort of relaxed bliss as she absentmindedly stroked him like a James Bond villain would with a cat. "There! Now you can see me, I can see you, and we're all going to be happy. Or at least, I will. And maybe the Princesses, when I give them my report, on everything I have learnt about you, your home planet, and your biology!" She let loose a wicked, evil laugh, and the faint sound of thunder could be heard in the distance. I then noticed that her appearance was... different. Her mane was messy, she had an insane-looking smile that showed all of her teeth, her eyes were bulging out of their sockets all bloodshot and crazy... and she had a French moustache. "Uhh.... question." Dr. Evil Goldfinger Twilight paused in her evil cackle to look at me in confusion. "What, what is it?" She snapped. "Oh, nothing. I just hated you laugh, is all," I shrugged, or at least tried my upmost to do so. Twilight snorted in annoyance, grinding her teeth together. "And I just hate waiting for test results!" She slammed her free hoof down onto the control panel, causing some kind of metal tube to descend from the ceiling on a robotic arm. "Behold! The Laserinator!" Cue dramatic music. "Uhh, I'm going to hazard a guess, and feel free to correct me on this, but does it by any chance fire a laser beam?" I ask with no small amount of sarcasm. "Why yes, yes it does! The Laserinator (dramatic music) fires a laser beam powerful enough to cut through a thick sheet of steel, like scissors and paper!" She pressed another button, and a crimson red beam of light shot out of the Laserinator (dramatic music) and ended right at the bottom of the metal surface I was restrained to, right between my outstretched legs. The beam started to move upwards, cutting through the steel at a quick and steady pace, heading right between my legs. "Do you expect me to die, Twilight Sparkle?" I ask her, scared for my life, among other things. "No Mr. Declan, I expect you to talk!" She let loose another evil cackle, as the laser beam moved ever higher towards my body. "You won't get away with this! The Princesses with stop you!" "Oh, is that what you think? If that is the case, then where would I get the grant money to build the Laserinator (dramatic music)?" She asked me smugly, one of her eyes twitching. "The Massachusetts Institute of Technology...?" I suggested. Twilight blinked in confusion, before shaking her head. "Your Human mind games won't work on me! Tell me everything about Earth, or say goodbye to your manliness!" "Never, you villain!" "Then good luck having children for the rest of your life!" The laser quickened its pace, now a few seconds away from making an incision on a precious part of my body, when there was a loud explosion, and part of the ceiling fell down next to me. The dust quickly parted, to reveal Princess Luna, wearing a tight fitting catsuit and night vision goggles. "Gah! Princess Luna!" Twilight yelped, stand up sharply and sending Spike the cat dragon flying. "Dr. Sparkle, we meet again..." Luna growled, taking a fighting stance and, using her magic, pulled a 9mm Glock pistol from the holster on her flank. "How did you get past the pool full of deadly sharks with lasers on their heads?" Luna gave the evil Unicorn a deadpan stare and flapped her wings. "... I knew you had those." "Don't mean to be a bother but, MY TROUSERS ARE ON FIRE!" I screamed as the laser beam started to incinerate the fabric of the trousers in the groin area. Luna gasped and fired her gun up at the Laserinator (dramatic music), causing it to smoke and short out. I sighed heavily in relief. The night |Princess then used her magic to remove the clamps holding my limbs down and I jumped off the metal table, stretching my aching arms and legs and dusting down my (mostly) intact tuxedo. "It is over, Dr. Sparkle! Surrender to us or we'll take you in by force," Luna stated, pointing her gun back at the crazed purple Unicorn. "Oh, I think not, Princess!" Twilight said in defiance, pressing more controls. Panels along the walls opened up to reveal sharp, spiked blades spinning at high speeds, held aloft on robotic limbs, moving towards us. "My saw blades of doom shall chop you up into tiny little pieces of fleshy croutons to feed to Mister Fins and Sharpie!" The blades started to advance towards us, spinning menacingly. "We're trapped!" Luna grimaced, holstering her pistol as the blades drew closer. "There's no way out!" "You know, we could just, oh I don't know, teleport out of here?" I say, recoiling close to the Princess as a blade gets too close for comfort. "Oh, right." Luna channelled magic through her horn, and I hugged her. We teleported in a flash, just as the spinning blades of doom lunged at our previous position. "WHAT?!" Twilight shouted furiously. "Damn you Dec Bond! This is far from over!" We rematerialized on a hill overlooking a vast forest. The sky above us was painted in different shades of blue, purple, orange and yellow as the sun slowly set over the horizon. I turned to Princess Luna, who had saved me from a fate worse than death. She looked into my eyes, and we smiled. "Thanks for saving me," I say, leaning in close to her. I could smell her perfume, which tickled my nose. "Don't mention it. You did save me from the Evil Enchantress and her band of evil-ninja-thief-assassins last week," Luna replied, leaning in closer too. "Yeah, well they were pretty easy to defeat. Who know that an evil-ninja-thief-assassin's greatest weakness was rocky road ice cream?" Our noses were almost touching, her breath brushing gently against my skin. "Probably my sister. Speaking of, I really need to stop her from giving out financial grants to ponies to build weapons of mass destruction." "Indeed." "Now kiss me!" I complied, and we smashed our lips together, the both of us embracing each other as we passionately kissed. "Mwah mwah mwah! 'I love you Deckypoo!' 'I love you too Lunakins!' Mwah mwah mw-!" *Knock knock* Princess Celestia froze at the sound of knocking. Slowly, she lowered the figurines of her sister and Declan the Human to the ground, where there was a collection of other models and figures, including Twilight Sparkle. She scooped them all up in her golden magical aura and swiftly shoved them under her large, princess-sized bed in her royal chambers. Making sure her royal regalia was properly in place, and that all the models and figurines were safely hidden, she opened the door. "Your Majesty, the Elements of Harmony plus guest have arrived. They are awaiting you in the east wing dining hall," a royal guard reported when the large oak doors had open. "Thank you, my faithful guard. Please make sure their luggage is delivered to their rooms." The guard saluted, before briskly trotting down the corridor to follow out the Princess's orders. Princess Celestia herself made to head out to greet the Elements and their Human companion, when she trod on something on the ground. Recoiling her hoof back, she picked up the offending object with her magic and levitated it up to her. It was an action figurine of a Human, not in a tuxedo, but wearing a brown duster and fedora, as well as a tiny set of glasses perched on his face. Celestia smiled, and lightly kissed the figure on the head, before tossing it onto her bed and walking out of the room, closing the doors behind her.