//------------------------------// // The "God" That Failed // Story: Compilation of Miscellaneous Typed Scribblings of A Random Guy // by A Random Guy //------------------------------// The "God" That Failed By A Random Guy Coffee was one of those miracles of life nopony thinks about unless they just flopped out of bed. The main ingredient of coffee, caffeine, is a lowly organic compound that, due to certain chemical bonds that are compatible with some neuroreceptors, gives any sentient creature a kick in the bum to jump start their day. Coincidentally, caffeine can only be found in universes with sentient creatures in them. But in order for that magical chemical compound to work, one needs the organic chemistry to intake it. Dranorth did not have the organic chemistry to intake it. If Dranorth were to drink a cup of coffee, it would be akin to dumping a glass of lemonade on top of a rock. The rock can’t taste the lemonade, but congratulations, you just accelerated its erosion process with citric acid, bringing it another step closer to being a mere grain of sand. Though, if you were to pour lemonade on Dranorth, he would just wash it off and change his clothes and not bother complaining. Technically, Dranorth could be classified as a rock. He would be a pony shaped rock that could move, interact, communicate, and wipe out an entire planet with either a gravity well or electrical storm, but by being made out of a solid material that’s ejected out of black holes, he is technically a rock. And since rocks don’t have the capability of enjoying the benefits of caffeine, Dranorth couldn’t drink coffee. Though he will admit ordering a latte at a café can make you blend in quite well when you don’t want to be noticed. The one he was at, the patio of the Ponyville Café, served quite ordinary lattes. He had placed his drink on top of his table in front of him, inserting a straw into the cup and putting the other end into his mouth. To any pony that bothered to look his way, they would see a purple stallion dressed in a suit jacket, tie, and bowler hat (all made of the same dark grey material) sipping up his daily intake of caffeine through a straw. A pair of darkened circle-lens glasses allowed him to look where ever he please without making eye-contact with anypony that did bother to look his way. Behind those circle-lens glasses, his eyes picked up the sight of a small group of ponies walking down the street towards. Within the group were a stallion and a mare huddling close to each other, nuzzling one another, while another mare walked next to them, giving such an obvious eye-roll that even Dranorth saw it from his position. He blotted out the group out of his vision as he focused into the middle of it, where the mare of the couple was pushing a stroller forward with the magic from her horn. Dranorth noted the passenger within the stroller, a fuzzy yellow blanket wrapped around tiny orange unicorn head. A long tuff of brown hair that was poking out of the blanket covered one of the eyes that were closed shut. Scaling Voice was the unicorn’s name, Dranorth recalled. He took a long sip of his drink as the group came closer to the café patio. Despite the distance, he could have easily picked up on the conversation that was going if he wanted to, but he toned them out as his attention was drawn to the silent member of the group. The little unicorn colt, all too innocent still, hadn’t developed the cognitive skills to understand what the older ponies were discussing. Fortunately, he soon wouldn’t need to learn how to deal with that set of parents. It was only a matter of minutes for him, and he would be free- “Oh good Luna, I finally found you!” a voice said, bringing Dranorth’s train of thought to a jarring halt. He glanced away from the group and directed his attention in front of him, was a teal unicorn had taken a seat, or at least, what Dranorth thought was a unicorn. The stallion unicorn he was now facing didn’t have a horn. Instead, splitting apart a straight blue mane that was coming down from his cranial crown, was a bone, sticking straight out from his forehead. It was not the kind of bone from a horn, though. It was as if someone ripped the bone out of a leg and stabbed it right above the stallion’s eyes. It was that kind of bone, and it looked permanent. “You’re such a hard guy to find, you have no idea what I went through to get here,” the stallion said, smiling as he waved at the waiter. “At first it sounded easy, find the god with the funny looking hat, that’s what the White Mare told me. How hard could be? So, I go out- uh, a glass of water, if you don’t mind. Thank you- I go out to find a god with a funny hat. Turns out there’s several hundred gods that like funny hats, tree god has a tree hat, squirrel god has a nut hat, camo god has a hat that says ‘I’m not the Camo God’, I guess it comes with the territory. So I ask the White Mare about it, and she tells me what hat to look for, and I go out again to… to… Uh, are you alright?” The “god with a funny hat” simply stared forward as he sipped his coffee. He could have been staring anywhere else, but a forward stare was the easiest of them all, and the unicorn with the leg bone for a horn just so happened to be in the line of that stare. The smile on the unicorn faded as a concerned look overtook his face. He leaned in forward, stretching out his hoof over the table. “Um, hi. My name’s Femur. They call me that from the, um,” he tapped his bone horn with the outstretched hoof, “the bone, the bone that’s sticking out of my forehead. It’s a, um, it’s a femur, in case you were wondering. You are Dranorth, right?” The “god” that was still sipping his coffee held out his hoof to shake the, pulling it back after a couple of shakes. “Well, that’s good to know, I guess,” Femur mumbled, pulling his hoof back as well. “Um, Dranorth, I take it you’re a straight forward kind of guy, so I’m going to be straight with you. I have been following you across the multiverse, or more precisely, I’ve been following your trail, or even more precisely,” he tapped his horn again, “my femur’s been following your trail. It’s really sensitive to changes in the universe, and you have been leaving a lot of changes in the universes you’ve been to.” Dranorth continued sipping his coffee. He noticed the group coming down the street had stopped in front of the bank building next door. None of the adults had gone inside yet. Whatever conversation they were having, it was still going on. “It hasn’t been this twitchy in ages. I don’t think it ever was this active since, well, I don’t know. But I don’t think it’s a good sign. So, if my femur is correct, and it usually is, I believe a lot of bad things are heading your way, really bad things.” Dranorth stopped his sipping, leaning back and letting the straw slip out of his mouth. He kept his dark circle-lens glasses pointed towards the unicorn, hiding his eyes as he kept them on the group. “Look kid, I’m immortal, and back where I came from, I got threats like that all the time. They lost their charm after the first five hundred million years. Granted, a lot of those threats did happen, but I’m still alive. And I’ll still be alive for the next several trillion years of threats.” “I’m not threatening you, I’m asking for your help.” “For?” Dranorth asked, raising an eyebrow. The waiter came back with Femur’s glass of water. He smiled and said thank you. He grabbed the rim of the cup with his teeth, tilted his head back so he could sip some water, and placed it back on the table. “Ah, I needed that. Where was I? Oh, yes, your help. I need your ability to change the universe.” “I wasn’t aware I had this ability.” “You do. Where ever you go, the natural order of things is changed. Things that the gods predict can’t be predicted anymore. You’re twisting universe around into shapes that they shouldn’t be in. I can feel it, and the gods aren’t happy.” “Really? It doesn’t feel any different than from where I came.” He stuck a hoof in the air, waving it in circles as if he was trying to grab something out of thin air. “Nope still the same,” he said as he put it down. “I think you pulling my leg.” “It’s not something you can feel physically. You need years of training to-“ “Oh for god’s sake, don’t start lecturing me about feeling out the fifth dimension or something metaphysical like that. I had nine trillion years to figure that stuff out on my own.” “Well, I can tell you that things are changing now that you’re here. And this multiverse needs that to get better.” Dranorth noticed that the mare of the couple was handing the stroller to the other mare. “So I can change things without meaning to. What does the multiverse need me for then, changing a light bulb?” Femur’s mouth widened with a grin of excitement. “You could do even more! For eons, the gods have been maintaining everything in a defined order! Everything was set in stone. Actions, movement, thoughts, events, it’s all laid out. The gods oppressed mortals as they tried to change their destinies, restricting time travel, paradoxes, and other universe alterations. But you, you don’t follow those rules. You change things just by existing. You have the power to free us all!” Dranorth could not show any other expression on his face that wasn’t a deadpan stare. “Oppression versus freedom, it’s that kind of job?” Femur’s grin grew as the unicorn’s head nodded in excitement. “Jesus Christ, you’re suffering from entitled white kid syndrome.” “Yeah- what?” Femur’s grin slipped off his face a bit. Dranorth shifted all of his attention to the poor unicorn, raising his voice as he leaned forward. “For all your life, you’ve lived in a multiverse where all you’re discussions have been predetermined by some higher power. Sure, that’s oppression, but that’s sure a whole lot damn better than living under my kind of oppression!” Femur shrunk back as the “god with a funny hat” took on a little nastier expression than he cared for. “Like what?” Dranorth pointed a hoof out to his left, not paying attention to where exactly he pointed. “Hundreds of universes away, there is a wall. This wall is the wall of a giant multiverse bubble that contains one of the most god-forsaken places of the entirety of reality. Behind this wall, there lives thousands of extremely powerful beings, just like me.” He pointed his hoof at himself. “Imagine living in a world where the children are trained on how to evacuate a universe when a sociopath with god-like powers comes around. Imagine going to bed at night and not being able to sleep because you don’t even know if there’s going to be a planet to wake up on in the morning. Imagine having to constantly worry if you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time when two guys just like me decide that they want to blow each other up over a freaking sandwich! Are you imagining that?” Femur nodded his head feverishly. “Yes, vividly in fact.” Dranorth lowered his voice, letting his words seethe out from his teeth. “Imagining that will be the closest you will ever be to true oppression. You can have your dictators. You can have your police states. They will oppress you in their own ways, I can guarantee that, but you can still live in them if you keep your head down. The greatest oppression is the fear that your life depends of forces beyond anyone’s control. That happens behind the wall. Behind that wall is the definition of anarchy. That’s the irony of it all. You have the greatest oppression when you have the greatest freedom.” Dranorth leaned back from the table back to his sitting position, giving room for Femur to lean back up. “Quick question, what’s a dictator?” The “god” threw his head back and sighed. “Oh right, I forgot, this is the multiverse of colorful naïve magical ponies. Why would I expect you to know about dark stuff like that?” He tilted his head towards the group, who didn’t seem to have taken notice of his little outburst. The couple left the stroller with the second mare, who was holding a stuffed animal for the passenger to play with. The couple walked into the bank, leaving their full trust with the mare. “Hey, after all that ranting, you still haven’t said if you’re going to help or not?” Dranorth glanced back at Femur, and crossed his forelegs on top of the table. He tilted his head and raised an eyebrow as he said, “So, you want me to help change things?” “Yes.” “And so far, I’ve been changing things just by doing what I’ve been doing, is that what you’re telling me?” “Yes.” The “god” nodded, letting the idea of the unicorn sink in. He rolled his head back, letting Femur see his eyes from underneath the glasses. The corner of his lip stretched into a smirk. “By what you’re telling me, what I am about to do is going to change a lot of things… Tell you what, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, then I’ll let you decide if you still want my help, and if you still do, I’ll let you go away and I’ll still continue to do what I’m about to do. Sound fair?” “I guess that does,” Femur nodded. “What are you going to do?” “Welp, over the span of my very long life, I have learnt to do many things quite well. For instance,” Dranorth raised his right foreleg up, “I can manipulate gravity with my mind,” the right flap of his suit jacket opened up, as if pulled by an invisible hand, “I can forge documents,” a manila molder full of papers floated out of the suit jacket flap and hovered in midair above the center of the table, “and I can make electricity,” a small brown box floated out in suit of the folder. “Well, the floating thing is nice, but any unicorn can do that,” Femur said as he poked the folder floating in front of him. “Yes, but imagine being one of the few unicorns in a world full of uninteresting hamsters. That was the situation I used to be in.” The box and the folder dropped softly on top of the table. “These forged documents,” Dranorth said, tapping the folder with a hoof, “are ‘proof’ of my residency and citizenship of Equestria and this fine universe. Plus there’s a pack of adoption papers in the back. Trust me, it’s all necessary.” Femur rubbed the back of his neck as he looked at the items in front of him. “Okay… what’s with the adoption papers?” “They’re adoption papers. You know, for filing for adoption. It’s kind of necessary for pulling a kid out of the foster system.” “I mean why do you want to adopt a kid?” Dranorth shrugged. “I can’t really take care of a kid if he’s still in the system.” “Raising a kid? That’s your big plan?” “Yep.” “But that’s… a little dull. I was expecting something more than that.” “Were you expecting a revolution? I can give you a revolution, easily. I just don’t care enough to do so.” An invisible hand pulled at the folder, sliding it across the table and back up into Dranorth’s suit jacket. “If you’re just going to complain about a service I inherently do just by existing, go right ahead, but go away. Raising kids properly is just what I do. It’s a personal obligation.” “I’m not complaining. Just… it doesn’t really entice change.” “And is that what you want, change?” Dranorth asked raising an eyebrow. “Yes, that’s what I always wanted.” “Then why don’t I just teach you how to change things yourself. Will that get you out of my hair?” Femur’s eyes widened at the idea. Being able to change the world against a god’s will, that was an offer he couldn’t refuse. “Yes… Heck yes! That would be awesome!” He jumped up from his seat, knocking the table, making it teeter around. “Yes, teach me! And I can teach other ponies! And we can change everything! Oh yes, what do I need to?” The “god” smirked, pointing a hoof at the small brown box on the table. “You just need a little home brewed anarchy from behind the wall.” Femur noticed the space around Dranorth’s hoof waver, bending the light around it, distorting the shape of the hoof slightly. Then he heard a soft click as the tiny box split in half. The top half of the box opened up, swinging on a hinge connected to the bottom half. When the top half of the box swung perpendicular to the table, it exposed the content of the cube. Femur stared into the shallow bottom of the box, where a small red button poked out, primed to be touched. “Go ahead,” the “god” cooed, “Press is for change.” The unicorn’s foreleg jolted out without hesitation, slamming his hoof against the button so hard that the top half of the box collapsed under the force. He heard a two beeps, and lifted his hoof to see the red button had lit up. “Neat,” he looked up to the “god”, “What’s it supposed to do?” “Five.” The button blinked. “Five? What’s with the number?” “Four.” The button blinked. “Oh, it’s a countdown.” “Three.” The button blinked. “What’s it counting down to?” “Two.” The button blinked. “Are you just going to let it happen then?” “One.” The button blinked, and then the light stayed off. “Okay, what’s going to hap”- BOOM Femur was interrupted by the concussion blast that knocked him in the back of the head, sending him flying into the table, which hit him in the stomach. The pressure wave of air was instantly followed by a deep noise that stabbed into his ears with a bellowing ringing, which were flattened against his head by a hot gust rolling out from behind him. As the noise and gusting wind dispersed, Femur could feel the organs in his body rattling around uncontrollably. He looked up to see the “god”, smirking at the unicorn as he took a sip from his coffee. A bright orange light danced in the dark circle-lens glasses of the immortal, who was basking in the yellow glow of the intense heat Femur was feeling from behind him. The unicorn with bone for a horn turned around slowly. AS he turned, he could feel waves of heat licking his body, grazing his eyes as he turned. As he covered his face with his foreleg, the stench of charred plaster hit his nose, causing his other hoof to reflexively block his nasal passage. He saw it first in the corner of his eye, fire. The fire grew in his vision as he turned around. When he had made a complete one-eighty in his seat, his entire field of vision was engulfed by a raging inferno. The sun was blotted out by a plume of darkness billowing out from the bonfire. At the base of the plume, a sign that read “Ponyville Bank” was rapidly deteriorating in the consuming blaze. The ringing in his ears began to fade away, being replaced by an orchestra of crackling wood and panicking ponies. Screams barreled around the street as the Ponyville citizens scurried around like fire ants without direction. From the distance, Femur could hear a siren pierce through the chaos, but it seemed to only entice more anarchy from the populace. “And that’s how you change things,” Dranorth spoke gently, somehow making himself heard over the barring sounds going all over the place. Femur turned back to the “god”, who continued to sip his coffee. “I’m sure you can use this to overthrow the shackles of oppression, if you want to call it that. Maybe you’ll spawn some crazies like ‘Ché’ Rivera or Eva Perón. I’m sure they’ll be happy to help you with your quest.” “Wha- how… wha…” Femur looked back at the inferno, “Who… what”- his head shot back to Dranorth. “Good Luna, why in Tatarus would you do that?!” The “god” sipped his coffee. “I wasn’t the one who pressed the button.” “You know what I mean!” Femur exploded, flaring his nostrils and gnashing his teeth. “If you paid more attention to your surroundings,” Dranorth said, pointing a hoof towards the blaze, “You would have seen two parents go inside the bank a minute ago. Well, they used to be parents.” His chuckle prompted a death glare to emit from Femur’s eyes. Dranorth ignored it and pointed over to a mare that was curled up against a stroller. “And you would have noticed the mare over there, who is utterly unprepared to look after her best friend’s son for eighteen years. Scaling Voice is his name, for the record.” “You made a kid an orphan on purpose?!” “It’s not all bad for the kid.” He tapped the side of his suit jacket, rustling the manila folder inside of it. “Coincidentally, I have the right papers to keep him out of the foster system.” “This is not what I wanted! This isn’t changing anything!” “You wanted change from oppression. I gave you anarchy. It’s exactly what you wanted, but you didn’t know it.” Femur slammed his hooves against the table. “I’m going to make sure you will never get your hooves on Raising Voice.” “Scaling Voice.” “I don’t give a darn for what that colt’s name is, you’re not getting near him!” Dranorth sipped his coffee, but only a slurping sound came from the straw. “You know, I might do messed up stuff like that,” he nodded towards the bonfire, “but I’m actually a great dad. I know how to protect my kids from that stuff. I protect them from the anarchy.” “That doesn’t mean you’re right.” “You’re not right either. That fire over there, that’s where you’re going to end up if you break away from order. Do you really want to live in a world where you have to worry about that stuff?” “What I’m doing isn’t going to explode banks and burn ponies!” “You say that now…” Dranorth stood up from his seat. The cup of coffee was compelled by his mysterious force to be flung through the air into a nearby trashcan. “It’s been fun, but I have to prepare some files. The adoption process doesn’t occur by… itself…” The “god” looked up past Femur when he noticed something flash from the blaze. Femur followed his gaze to the blaze, curious to see what he was looking at. Then he saw a flash as well. It was a small flash, but it was noticeable. Then, a green wave of energy erupted from the smoke, dragging the carbonized air within a thin beam of light. The tongues or flames contorted to the beam, and shrunk down as the light absorbed the blaze. Femur noticed that the light show was attracting the attention of the ponies that were previously rushing all over the just seconds before. Their screams died out as they were replaced by curious mutterings. All the faces basked in a teal glow that radiated across the street. Another magical wave exploded from the blaze, this time possessing a red hue. And the wave reached out, the flames immediately died, leaving behind the charred remains of a former financial institution. Both Dranorth and Femur watched as a small crowd of ten or twelve ponies groggily made their way out of the building. Ponies with burn marks charred hair limped through the crowd, replacing the screams from minutes ago with groans and complaints of dehydration. However, two ponies shot out from the crowd, racing for the mare curled up against the stroller. When they reached the stroller, the pair picked up Scaling Voice from the stroller, breaking out into tears as they gave him the biggest embrace they could physically muster. Femur turned back to Dranorth, the corner of his mouth stretched out into a smirk. “Hey Dranorth, do you know who they are?” If looks could kill, Femur assumed Dranorth’s would have if he wasn’t wearing the dark circle-lens glasses. “You know damn well who they are.” “Do you still need those forged papers?” Dranorth remained silent, letting the scowl on his face do his talking for him. Femur basked in the spite being thrown at him, reveling in the “god’s” failure. “I’m guessing your chance has gone now. I mean, two simultaneous accidents are going to look suspi”- Femur yelped and jumped back as the table in front of him violently cracked apart. The pieces of table whipped around as the frame hovered and rapidly contorted around a singularity. The metal of the table slinked about a single point, condensing itself into a small metal ball. When there was only the metal ball, the metal stopped flinging around. The object hovered in mind air for a moment, and dropped to the ground with a clank. Dranorth stared down the unicorn, lips stretched out into a snarl. “You think one failure is going to stop me?” he seethed as tiny bolts of electricity began arcing across his body. “There are more children out there with parents that don’t deserve them. And the day is still young. There is still time for a freak electric storm. Heck, it might even take the planet down, who knows?” A jingle emitted from the pocket of his suit jacket. Dranorth looked at the pocket, where a small black rectangle floated out. He tilted it away from himself to reveal a face of the jingling object that was lit up. After looking at the rectangle for a moment, a beep sounded out from it and the jingle stopped. The rectangle slid back into his pocket. “Damn it Gary, I’m in the middle of something.” The “god” sighed as he turned away from Femur and the hunk of metal, walking away. “How did that kid end up in a different universe by accident?” Femur watched Dranorth walk off, leaving the mess he made behind. “Bad things are heading your way,” he called out; a hint of anger could be traced in his voice, “Really bad things.” Femur had absolutely no time to react when a powerful gravity well slammed into him and threw him across the patio, smacking him against the wall of the Ponyville Café. Somehow, how blow knocked his head hard enough to drill his bone horn through the wall of the building. He hung from the building from his horn. Somehow, even though he wasn’t a doctor, he could feel that he wouldn’t be walking for at least a few weeks.