Woolie the Liar Stole Pinkie Pie
A “Completely Serious” Story By: KenSES64
It was an absolutely beautiful day in Ponyville. Celestia’s sun was up, the birds were singing, and Pinkie Pie was happily bouncing through town humming to herself.
She was off to see her good friend Fluttershy because her birthday was in forty-seven days and it seemed like as good a time as any to start planning it.
Eventually she reached Fluttershy’s cottage by the Everfree Forest and saw her yellow pegasus friend feeding the animals that lived just outside of her cottage.
“Hey Fluttershy!” Pinkie greeted her friend. “How are you today?”
“Oh, hello, Pinkie. I’m doing fine.” Fluttershy responded in her usual, meek way.
“That’s great!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed with an incredibly wide grin, “So are you ready?”
“Ready for what?” Fluttershy asked.
“Well duh! You birthday is in forty-six days, fifteen hours, twenty-three minutes, and thirty-eight seconds silly. So I figured that we’d better start preparing for it.” Pinkie said, still smiling.
“Umm… well… doesn’t it seem a little early?” Fluttershy asked.
“There’s no such thing as too early,” Pinkie explained. “But there is such a thing as too late, and we wouldn’t want to be too late now would we?”
“Oh….. Ummm… Okay, I guess… So Pinkie Pie…” Fluttershy responded before she was suddenly interrupted by a loud voice.
“Did someone say pie!” said loud voice shouted from the Everfree Forest.
Suddenly, out from the forest came an african-canadian man with tri-colored dreadlocks of black, green and yellow. He wore a simple green plaid shirt with a black hoodie and upon his head was a green knitted hat with a few buttons on it.
“Hi!” Pinkie greeted the african-canadian man. “I’m Pinkie! What’s your name?”
“I am Woolie”, exclaimed the man, known to many by the name he said, but more commonly known by his full title, Woolie the Liar. “I was bored because no one wanted to play Mahvel with me so I decided to see just how far my woolie hole went and ended up here. Then I heard someone say pie, SO WHERE’S THIS PIE!!!???”
“Oh, that was just Fluttershy saying my name silly,” Pinkie explained. “My full name is Pinkamena Diane Pie, but most of my friends call me Pinkie Pie, or just Pinkie, whichever you prefer.”
“Oh, so it’s just your name.” Woolie the Liar said with no small amount of disappointment in his voice. “Oh, well it’s good enough for me.”
And with that Woolie the Liar suddenly grabbed Pinkie Pie and dashed off into the Everfree forest, but not before pimp-slapping a nearby squirrel for no reason.
Fluttershy just stared at the squirrel that was just assaulted by Woolie the Liar for a few moments, as she was unable to believe that anypony… or anything in this case, would harm an innocent squirrel for no reason. Deep inside of the cute yellow pegasus mare, an emotion that FLuttershy didn’t feel offen began to blossom.
“How dare he!” Fluttershy shouted with pure, unadulterated rage, “Not only did he ponynap Pinkie Pie, but he also attacked an innocent squirrel for no reason!”
Fluttershy knew that she needed to save her friend, but she also knew that she needed help.
Unfortunately, Twilight was meeting up with Princess Celestia in Canterlot to discuss her recent sanity issues, Applejack was visiting family in Appleloosa, and Rarity was in Manehatten delivering dresses to one of her clients. So that left Fluttershy with only one pony she could get to help, Rainbow Dash.
When Fluttershy eventually found Rainbow Dash, the cyan pegasus mare was performing awesome air tricks, as was her want.
“Hey Fluttershy. What’s up?” Rainbow Dash asked as she saw Fluttershy walking up to her.
“Woolie stole Pinkie Pie!” Fluttershy shouted at her.
“What?” Rainbow Dash asked, a bit confused. Seeing her obvious confusion, Fluttershy explained the events that happened earlier to Rainbow Dash, who upon hearing it, got a look of determination on her face. “Well what are we waiting for!? Let’s get this animal abusing, Pinkie Pie thief!”
So with that Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash went into the dark and creepy Everfree Forest to find Woolie the Liar. They were unsure of where to look at first, but soon enough then they smelled the strong scent of his dreadlocks, which Fluttershy recognized from earlier.
So they followed the musk of Woolie the Liar’s dreadlocks, the scent getting stronger the farther they got into the forest. Eventually they came upon the entrance of a cave that had a sign hanging outside of it with the words “The Woolie Hole” written on it.
“Huh, that’s convenient,” Rainbow Dash said as she and Fluttershy entered the cave.
The cave that was the Woolie hole seemed to go on forever, it felt like they were lost in there for hours, but eventually they found Woolie the Liar sitting on a couch playing Marvel vs. Capcom 3 by himself with an arcade stick. All around the room were tied up short haired women and next to Woolie the Liar himself was Pinkie Pie, who was tied up in ropes made of his smelly, green dreadlocks.
“Hey let our friend go!” Rainbow Dash shouted at Woolie the Liar as she prepared to fly straight forward and kick him in the face.
“No!” Woolie the Liar said. “I have no money for pies, and since her name is Pie then it’ll have to do.”
“Wait are you planning to eat Pinkie?!” Fluttershy shouted in shock.
“No, why would I eat a talking pink horse?” Woolie the Liar asked.
“Wait, if you’re not going to eat her, then how is she the next best thing to having pie?” Rainbow Dash asked Woolie the Liar in a belittling tone.
Woolie the Liar thought about that, he thought, and thought, and thought, but came up with no good answer to this conundrum whatsoever. After quite some time, Woolie the Liar simply responded with, “I don’t know.”
That was when a pink hoof holding a pie suddenly appeared in front of Woolie the Liar’s face.
While they were all equally surprised to see Pinkie Pie simply give Woolie the Liar what he wanted, it of course didn’t cross any of their minds to ask her just how in Equestria she got herself free from Woolie the Liar’s dreads rope and pull a perfectly good pie out of thin air.
“If you wanted pie you could of just asked me silly,” Pinkie Pie said to Woolie the Liar with a smile.
“Wait, you’re actually giving me a pie?” Woolie the Liar asked in surprise.
“Of course,” Pinkie Pie said. “I’ll always help a friend in need. That is if you want to be friends.” At that, Woolie the Liar’s eyes filled up with non-salty tears, and in no time he was on the verge of crying like a little babby.
“Sure I’ll be your friend Pinkie Pie,” Woolie the Liar said to her.
“That’s fine and all, but he did ponynap you,” Rainbow Dash pointed out.
“And he attacked one of my squirrels,” Fluttershy added with some bitterness in her voice.
“I’m sure if he says he’s sorry then it’ll be alright, right?” Pinkie said.
Woolie the Liar simply nodded and said, “I’m sorry I kidnapped your friend and hit an animal. I’m such a terrible, racist, murdering, animal abusing, liar who’s bad at Street Fighter.”
“See, he said he sorry.” Pinkie said smiling.
“Am I the only one who picked up on the murdering part?” Rainbow Dash asked with concern in her voice, her mind instantly flashing back to a nightmare she once had involving Pinkie Pie and some baked goods.
Everyone else ignored her though and went on their way. The three mares went back to Ponyville, and Woolie the Liar traveled deeper into The Woolie Hole back to Best Friend Zaibatsu-land, also known as Canada, with a delicious pie in his hands and some new friends in his heart.
The End