My Life as a Hybrid

by ChaosDoomscythe

Chapter 11: Empty...

As we popped back into the void, I took a moment to look at the faces of the ponies in front of me. Each one of them were looking in various directions –most of them down towards the non-existent ground- all of them lost in thought. Luna, Twilight, Cadence and Shining were the only ones looking directly at me, Shining in particular looking rather sympathetic, but that’s because he could sympathize with me.

“She tried to use her mind control spell on you,” He said. “But at least she was stopped before she got to you.”

I shook my head. “It wasn’t a mind control spell, but it may as well have been. She was trying to force me into her hive mind. Or rather, she was trying to force her hive mind onto me.” I stood up and began pacing around in the void as I continued. Everypony had their attention on me. “When a queen forces another changeling into their hive mind, they are forever enslaved to her will, unable to break free, unable to have thoughts of their own, their free will completely forfeit. They cannot be released unless the queen herself frees them, or said queen dies.

“Turns out, though, that she doesn’t lie if she says she’d release someone after she’s done with them. I happen to know a changeling that Aunt Chryssy released. Turns out that while you won’t have any control over your actions, or even your mind, you still remember everything that happens to you. He was so traumatized by the things he did that it took him a few years of therapy for him to get over most of it. I would visit him every week to check up on him, sometimes we’d go hiking somewhere nearby, just to enjoy the day. Sky Shock would come with us sometimes too. I think it really helped him recover faster too.

“But, all of that aside, she also doesn’t lie when she says she intends to do something. This wasn’t the first time she’s tried to force me into her hive mind.”

Images started popping up around them, drawing their attention. They were like windows with moving images, and each one was showing the various attempts Chrysalis made to induct me into her hive. One of them was another ambush attempt, this time without Sky Shock there to back me up. My parents ended up intervening again, but that time, she nearly had me. Another window showed a green pegasus mare with a black mane walk right past me and another of my friends in the middle of our town’s market.
The moment she walked past me, her eyes began glowing and I stumbled a bit before falling on my side shivering and twitching. As the mare kept walking, my friend rushed towards me, trying to figure out what was wrong. Struggling to even control my own body I managed to point a hoof at the retreating green mare. My friend wasted no time in blasting her with a powerful spell, managing to strike Chrysalis in the back and forcing her to drop her disguise from the shock. Before she could even get up, she was hit a second time. And then my friend started to fire at Chrysalis repeatedly, causing the queen to retreat. Powerful though she was, she knew my parents would be there soon, and she wouldn’t be able to take full control of me before they arrived. Once Chrysalis was gone, my unicorn friend picked me up and started galloping back towards my home in the forest.

There were at least eight other memory windows, each one showing another attempt she had of trying to gain control of me, each one ended in a failure. “As you can see, she was nothing if not determined, but at least she held up to her word. Each time she tried to, she never once physically harmed me in any way, and I never harmed her or the changelings she may have had with her. Some of them were there against their will. Others were actually her children –my cousins- and were simply following their mother’s orders. It wouldn’t have been right one way or the other to hurt them just to stop them.”

“You mean if she hadn’t have been stopped, you would’ve just let her take control of you?!” the outburst came from Shining, and frankly, he looked pretty angry at that.

“Were you in my horseshoes, Shining, and it was Twilight trying to take over your mind, what would you do?” My reply was surprisingly calm and calculating. I had expected an outburst like that at some point from somepony, and already had my responses planned out. “What would you have done differently? Would you have raised your hoof in violence towards her? Would you turn your magic against your own sister? Would you have harmed her, even if she never once harmed you?”

My questions left him stuttering in shock, and Cadence and Twilight were similarly stunned at the questions. I completely ignored them and turned to Applejack and asked her, “Would you?”

She didn’t even hesitate in her answer. “Nope. Wouldn’t be right.”

“And that’s why I envy you and your family, Applejack. You Apples always have each other’s backs. None of you would ever turn on each other. You all love each other too much.” Then I turned back to Shining. “Yes. I would have let her take over. Because even though it was against my will, I knew, deep down, she would never truly hurt me, or Shadow Flare. Despite her vile nature and her cruelty, family is, in fact, something she cherished greatly. Despite the fact that she had every intention of using me for her own selfish goals, she still cared for me, and Shadow, and my mom and dad. We were her family, and I can honestly tell you that she would die for us.”

The ponies actually looked stunned at that, having been told that Queen Chrysalis, the changeling that nearly ruined Cadence and Shining’s wedding, the changeling that nearly trapped Cadence and Twilight within the mines underneath Canterlot, the changeling that very nearly took over Canterlot actually had some redeeming qualities... It was almost too much to handle.

“Granted, she’s still a total bitch, but she’s a caring bitch.”

Applejack couldn’t stop the incoming facehoof if she tried.

“Unfortunately, when she realized exactly what constantly trying to force her will upon us was doing, it was too late.”

Their ears perked up, but Bones is the one who said anything, having a pretty good idea of where this was about to go. “You mean Shadow Flare, the original soul who that body, and subsequently, that name belongs to.”

I nodded in response. Rainbow spoke next. “You know, we’ve heard you talk a lot about the original Shadow Flare, but we’ve never once met him. What happened to him?”

“And what do you mean it was too late when Chrysalis found out,” asked Twilight.

“I told you all about Chrysalis mind control attempts because this is the first step of a very steep slope for me. The first step of my fall into a brief bout of insanity and despair. Because of mom’s incomplete spell, the night we were born she partially fused our souls together. After a few weeks, she perfected the spell, and our souls were perfectly fused. But, a few years down the road, I discovered a problem. Though our souls were perfectly fused, they were too foreign from each other to stay permanently fused. Over time, they would both begin to deteriorate as the wills of the two souls inhabiting the body began fighting for dominance.

“I found out one day when we were seven. Shadow had been teasing me relentlessly over the fact that I was grounded from eating sweets-“

“*GAAAAAAAAASP* THAT’S LIKE THE WORST PUNISHMENT EVER!”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Tell me about it Pinkie. It sucked at the time. A lot. I had been a week without sweets, and Shadow was just dangling a cupcake in front of us. He teased me over and over. When we’re not in control, we can’t feel what the other one might be doing with it. So I wouldn’t be able to taste the cupcake he was about to eat. But I wanted it so badly. I hadn’t realized that I suddenly had control of the body until I pulled the cupcake wrapper out of our mouth. I began looking around, making sure mom and dad didn’t see it, and was about to give back control to Shadow, when I realized that I couldn’t feel him.

“I called out to him trying to get a response, but nothing came for several minutes. I was about to call for mom and dad when he ‘woke up’, claiming he was in pain. Immediately, I ran for our parents, and mom activated her Soul Sight spell. She found out that our combined souls were deteriorating. Apparently, even though we got used to controlling the body at the same time, our wills were constantly at battle over who would control what, and the body itself couldn’t take it, so it was trying to rid itself of the problem by rejecting the soul.”

Bones took over the conversation, knowing enough about souls to see exactly where this was going. “If the two souls had been Shadow’s original soul and the soul or a pony, or a dragon or changeling, they would have been able to exist in perfect harmony with each other. This is because all souls in this world, with the exception of discord, possess harmony in them. This inner harmony would have allowed the two souls to exist in tandem with each other perfectly, regardless of their wills constantly clashing.”

Bones then turned and motioned over to me. “Radiant Nova’s soul, however, isn’t of this world, and therefore, lacks the inner harmony all of our souls possess. If anything, I’d say his soul possesses an inner chaos to it, which further pit their souls against each other. Because their souls couldn’t exist in harmony, they couldn’t sustain the body, and the body tried to purge itself of its pain.”

Most of the ponies were looking confused at the explanation, but Twilight and Luna managed to understand all of it. “So, because the souls couldn’t exist in harmony, the conflicting wills were causing the body torment, and as a result, it began trying to push the souls out.”

Bones and I nodded. “Our conflicting wills were hurting the body, but my will was stronger than Shadow’s because it had been alive for a much longer period of time than his, and had more strength built up from its years of experience. Shadow’s side of our soul was deteriorating faster than mine. I tried everything I could to slow it down. But nothing worked. As the years passed by, his will continued to grow weaker and weaker, until I was in control of our body the majority of the time. I refused to let him just vanish like that. This was his body, his life. I had already lived a life of my own, cut short as it was. He still had his whole life ahead of him. So I came to a decision…” With that, I finally stopped my pacing around, collapsed onto my flank, and let my head hang lifelessly as my ears flattened themselves against my head. The colors of the void shifted blue.

Sorrow. Melancholy. The feelings of lingering despair.

I’m fairly certain that everypony felt it. I think Pinkie somehow ended up tasting it, if her sudden coughs and gags were anything to go by. I felt a hoof on my shoulder, and looked up to see it belonged to Luna. “Shadow… What did you do?”

I looked back down, and clenched my eyes shut to prevent the tears from falling. I began shaking holding the emotions in. To her surprise, I knocked her hoof away violently, as I stood back up and walked away from her as anger began filling me. My anger wasn’t directed at her though. It wasn’t directed at anyone. It was anger I couldn’t blame anyone for. It was no one’s fault that it happened. It simply did.

I wanted to blame myself. I could’ve blamed myself. I wanted to hate myself so badly I wanted to just die where I was. No one would have to suffer me anymore. I wouldn’t exist. They couldn’t suffer me. I wanted to just jump off the highest cliff and just keep falling, and falling and falling until I was no more. I wanted to turn my own flames against myself, and hope they incinerated me in the most painful way possible before I was finally snuffed out. I wanted to jump in an ocean and just sink to the bottom, as the light from the sun faded more and more the deeper I went. I wanted to sink to the bottom until I could hold my breath no more, let the water fill my lungs, allow myself to suffocate. Allow my life to fade away into nothingness…

I so very, very dearly wanted to right now. I’ve wanted to for five years now.

For five years now I’ve wanted to simply…cease.

But I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be fair.

Shadow’s death wasn’t fair.

I live for him now.

If I die… Then his memory dies…

I cannot die now.

I refuse to die now.

I took a few breaths in an attempt to calm myself down.

It didn’t work.

I opened my eyes and looked back at everyone, and let the pain in my soul show itself on my face, in my expression as I looked everypony in the eye.

I even looked Fluttershy in the eye.

I quickly turned away before her eyes could release all the hidden emotions in my soul. I looked up and noticed the void had turned black and let out a sigh.

“Nothing,” I said. “I did absolutely nothing. I never got the chance. The moment I stepped into the forest that night… Shadow’s fate was sealed.

“There is an altar in the forest surrounding my hometown. It was created not long after Princess Luna’s banishment to the moon by some of her faithful followers. According to legend, it was created in an attempt to bring back their night leader by sacrificing the souls of captured ponies, ponies who worshipped the sun.” Luna winced as I told her this, but then her eyes widened as she realized what I tried to do. Twilight and Bones realized it shortly after, and then the rest of them followed suit. Horrified faces all looked at me as they all realized exactly what I had intended to do.

“It was a week after we turned seventeen. After Shadow decided to go into what we call ‘soul sleep’, I cut off my connection to everyone and left our cave. I treaded deep into the forest, thinking… heavily about what I was about to do I tried to see if I was going to regret any of it…and I realized I wasn’t I was perfectly content to fade away into nothingness, and let him live his life the way he was meant to. Sure, they’d mourn me and be sad for a time, but things would be better this way. My soul never belonged in Equestria. All I was doing was removing it.

“Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned. Turns out that that altar is close to where Chrysalis’ hive used to be located. One of the drones on patrol notified her and she saw it as the perfect opportunity to ‘induct me’ into the hive again. When I arrived at the altar I just stood there and looked up at it, taking in what I through would be my last breaths, my last thoughts. I was so lost in thought I didn’t even notice her walk right up behind me. I didn’t notice when she leaned her head right down to my ear. I only noticed her when she said ‘Welcome home.’”

The void shifted, and bones and the girls were all sucked into another memory.

I didn’t follow them.

I stayed where I was.

I didn’t want to see it again.

I didn’t want to experience it again.

I wanted to forget it.

This pain from my past.

I wanted it gone.

But it never would be.

It would always be with me.

Etched into my soul….

For eternity.

“Welcome home.”

Radiant’s breath hitched. He didn’t move a muscle. He could feel her standing above him. He could feel her breath on his ear.

He could feel her smile.

“Chrysalis… Don’t do it…”

He heard the tingle of her magic, saw the dark green glow of her horn lighting up.

He felt the pressure on his mind. He started hearing the multitude of voices.

He began gritting his teeth.

“Chrysalis… Please don’t...”

The pressure on his mind grew immensely, forcing a heavy shudder through his body.

His legs began trembling, threatening to give out under him.

He felt something inside of him crack, and a voice scream out in pain.

The voices grew hundreds of decibels louder in his head, drowning out the scream.

Chrysalis whispered in his ear, her voice somehow still louder than all the others.

“Fret not child, I will return you to your family safe and sound… once Canterlot and Equestria belong to us.”

Radiant’s eyes started fading from their teal green to a sickly darker green, and his eyelids began closing halfway.

There was another crack felt, another faint scream.

He pleaded with her again.

“Ch-… Chry… sa… lis… You don’t… understand…. St-… stop! …Please…..”

She chuckled darkly before asking, “And what don’t I understand?”

He gasped lightly, struggling to get the words out, a fog falling over his mind.

“S-soul… ngh…Shadow… Killing… him!”

*Crack-CRACK*

[I… Love you… big brother…]

[Shadow! SHADOW NO!]

*SHATTER*

Chrysalis only had time to gasp before a powerful shockwave was released from Radiant’s body, the body itself floating into the sky surrounded by a flaming black and green aura. A phantom appeared covering the body, before it separated revealing the spirit of a pony who looked exactly like the hybrid it came from, only with a reversed color scheme and blue eyes. It turned and looked at Radiant, who looked back with wide eyes, Chrysalis’ spell having been broken. The phantom smiled and waved before simply fading out of existence. The aura faded as well, and the hybrid dropped to the ground looking up at where the phantom disappeared from.

Chrysalis herself looked at the hybrid child in wonderment trying to figure out what just happened. There was a roar in the distance. She recognized it, but didn’t move. She continued to stare at the hybrid, at her nephew, realizing what she had done. Neither of them noticed when a silver dragon landed between them. Radiant didn’t feel himself being pulled into a desperate hug.

He didn’t hear his adoptive mother’s voice asking what happened.

He didn’t hear his father threatening his aunt.

He didn’t hear.

He felt.

He felt the hole that formed within his very core.

He felt the hole that formed from the loss of what was his other half.

He felt the hole that formed when his body rejected the weaker half of his soul.

He felt the hole that formed when he lost his little brother.

He whispered out one word. It was a name.

“….Shadow?”

There was nothing there to answer him.

He felt nothing.

He felt empty.

He slumped against his mother.

He didn’t feel the tears sliding down his face.

He didn’t hear Chrysalis shove his father out of the way.

He didn’t feel it when she, too, joined in the hug.

He didn’t hear her apologizing to him.

He didn’t feel his father wrap all of them in his large wings.

He didn’t hear anything.

He no longer felt anything.

He was empty inside.