The Bottom Shelf

by JakeAndDollars

Good Morning Equestria!

G.M.E. Good Morning Equestria!

Today’s episode performed by. A bunch of OC ponies that no one will likely ever care about.
Rated ‘that’s awesome, can I have my quarter now?’ By a hobo that sleeps out behind the building I work at. I think his name is Steve, or Stan, something like that. Anyway I asked him to look at it because the critic got in some kind of legal trouble, I don’t know what it was but apparently he’s in Belize and there’s illegal animal trafficking and counterfeit toiletries involved. Don’t ask, I can’t say for sure. What else was I going to say? Ehh whatever, let’s just get to the news shall we?

“Dude cut it out and just hold the camera still! What, I don’t know the little red light is on, Are we, are we good? Yes, Ok.”
“Lens Cap, get the lens cap!”

“Sorry, ok we’re good.”

“Alright everypony, we are on in five, four, three, two,”

“Goooood morning Equestria! It’s seven AM which means it’s time once more for the top stories of the morning, with your hosts. Instant Report.”

“And Morning Gossip. Good morning. Our first story today takes us over to the little town of Ponyville, where if sources and eyewitnesses are to be believed, a tortoise was spotted flying around town by means of what has been called an impossible act of engineering by several mechanics our onsite reporter has managed to track down. Where this flying phenomenon came from and what its intentions are remain a mystery. Personally I think I speak for all of us when I say that I welcome our new tortoise overlord with open hooves.”

“Huh, terrifying. Thank you Morning, in other news the Friendship Express reported that one of its trains derailed about thirty miles south of Manehattan a little before two this morning, all aboard were killed as well as a massive spill of radioactive magical waste being dumped into the Amethyst river. Officials say the, and I quote, ‘horribly toxic waste will pose no immediate threat to the city’s population and that everypony should remain in their homes. Those bastards are all dead anyway…’ Oh, I don’t think I was supposed to read that part. Uh, let’s see here, ah yes. After further investigation officials declared that a deviation in solar winds were the cause of the crash and are therefore calling for government assistance in shielding the railway against insurance claims made by the loved ones killed by the crash.”

“So tragic, Instant Report thank you. When was the last time you just took the afternoon and went for a relaxing canter through the woods? Well next time you do you might want to bring a few friends along, ponies have been going missing all across the country over the past month and the crown has decided that you should all probably know about it. The missing ponies tend to be mares, typically between the ages of eighteen and twenty two. None have been found with very little evidence of the culprit involved.”

“Interesting report there, I should probably call my little cousin, later. Canterlot was all abuzz yesterday when an explosion of confetti showered the capitol. Upon an investigation of the castle grounds it was found that a Newt possessing insane magical abilities was encouraging a pep rally of sorts against Celestia’s rule against changing the roads in Canterlot into giant slip n’ slides. You go little fella!”

“Oh what a world we live in, isn’t it wonderful? So many good ponies doing such interesting things.”

“Yes, truly wonderful.”

“When we come back, seven normal everyday household items that may help improve your golf swing.”

“And cut! Alright people that’s a wrap, take thirty.”