JiE: Jabba in Equestria

by Doctor Parker

The Hutt Diaries: How it Happened

What has happened to me? I was the mighty Jabba Desilijic Tiere, the leader of all the Hutt clans. I owned everything I wanted, I did everything I wanted. I asserted my superiority over lesser beings, proving that I, a Hutt, am far greater over any of the lessar beings! Do they not know that all sentient creatures were made to serve the Hutts? Hutts do not do things, they make others do things!

But then something went wrong.

It all had to do with that irresponsible lust of mine. Why didn't I listen to Ephant Mon? It's just that, when a pretty plaything happens to glare at me, my desires for pleasure tend to rise. I like taking pretties with will, and making them submit; it's surely one of the most pleasuring things of all for me! But then, an opportunity arose, and my lovely turned on me. A terrible shame too, soon she would have began to appreciate me, and I would most certainly appreciate the pleasure she would have given me.

After what felt like aeons of agonizing pain, I found myself here, in a most unpleasant realm. A voice cried to me, and he told me of how unfair it all was, how I had everything and then lost it all, and he suffered the same, but the fool gave far too much away to me.

Sorry, Jabba does not cater to anti-matter creatures, especially when they're that whiny about the changes in the Universe.

I pretended to go along with it, and followed his instructions, and then from there, I rebelled from the directive he gave me. I met her, Izanami, who informed me that she was in not in charge of this realm, just in charge of the prisoners. I spent time learning about her from the other prisoners: I was told she was the Lady of the Dead, and that caused my brain to start working, for everyone has a price, I'm sure, and I felt that she would be no exception. As usual, I was correct: She did enjoy giving prisoners deals, especially raw ones, a favorite of hers being leaving out the entire body from the package of release. When I learned that, I immediately took a liking to her, a true master of the art of fine print. However, this begged the question: Why did the prisoners want to escape, and where to?

At it turned out, above the surface of this realm, there is a place known as "The Land of a Million Pleasures", where one can always find some way to remain happy. I always wanted, I admit, to engage in love with other beings without business duties interrupting me. Perhaps this was the realm for the retirement I justly needed.

After some thinking, I found an acute deal she could fulfill with me: I bring her 10,000 souls, and she sets me free in the Land of Pleasure above the realm, with the complete body of mine.. She agreed to that, though rather reluctantly (she clearly did not appreciate the art of the deal as I did; I actually take pleasure when one of my clients reads the fine print), and I thought I gave her a raw deal: All die eventually, after all, and she seemed displeased. I thought I won. In fact, I thought my victory was so grand, I felt almost euphoric.

However, she must have taken a sneaking pleasure in our contract, for the fabled Land of a Million Pleasures was nothing like I expected.

First of all, the natives there are prone into spontaneous cheering in high-pitched voices. Most annoying.

Secondly, they don't speak my language, but my only translator told me the Purple one with the melodious voice may force me to corrupt my tongue with their non-Huttese bile.

Thirdly, in just one day, they have not left me alone. They took me everywhere, and apparently were trying to torture me, and found it most amusing. How they grinned, and laughed, as they endlessly fed me with disgusting fruits and sweets. How pleased they looked, when I was exposed to the searing heat cased by the friction of the blue pretty one's reckless flying. How they relished it, when I was caught in the middle of some cluster of balloons and confetti; how old do they think I am?! Then I was smothered in gems and jewelry by some needy white one. When they were finished with that, I was sent to the residence of some yellow one who smelt of animal feces, surrounded by small animals, and when I thought they gave me something decent, a nice snack, they all gasped. Had they not seen someone eat a live animal before? Then again, perhaps they haven't, for they have some overlord who they took me to post-haste, who is apparently in charge of everything, and she greeted me with some speech in a language I didn't understand. That much about me, they understood, so she appointed an interpreter to always accompany me.

Now I'm stuck with my least favorite of the natives, the chattering Pink One. The same chattering Pink one that seemed most keen on torturing me.

She simply will not be silent, and often bursts into annoying song, but I cannot be anywhere without her, because she is the only one who understands my Godly language. No other quadruped can understand me. None of these creatures fulfill my sensual pleasures; first of all, they have no meat to offer me. Meat was a food that I craved, and relished in, and I cannot indulge in it any more. They cannot provide me with anything to make me happy, for their alcohol is scarce, and not strong (apparently, the lightest of beers and whines are enough to thoroughly intoxicate them). The worst part is, my passions will always go unquenched for these abominations are, after all, quadrupeds, and quadrupeds simply do not give me pleasure the way hominids do.

And it's not a retirement realm. They have work here too, and I'm expected to help knock apples off the trees of a rather ignorant and backwards family who simply do not deserve my help (though their desperate plight may be of use to me). I presume it's part of a hazing ritual. Hazing rituals..this place is simply not the Heaven I deserve.

Only now do I have writing implements to state this. Only now can I indulge in my thoughts, and never did I ever think I would ever say this, but...

...I've been cheated. I want my money back.

Luckily, I'm not without my plans...ho-ho-ho-ho-ho

There must be something wrong with me. I'm writing my own laughter into this entry!