//------------------------------// // Patrick Swayze // Story: No Bucks // by 71NYL-5CR4TCH //------------------------------// Twilight strolled through the peaceful town of Ponyville, in search of nothing in particular, as honestly, wherever she would end up... She didn't give a buck. She had been saving up her bits for the brand new 'Quillomatic 7000' as a birthday gift for Spike to ease his claw cramps and make his job far more simple. But now... She just didn't give a buck. Twilight looked around the streets to see friendly ponies waving and smiling, albeit with a bit concern, at their new local princess. Twilight could hear small whispers amongst the townfolk along the lines of 'what's wrong with her?' and 'she looks like a mess!' but honestly... She couldn't give a buck. Twilight decided than an opportune place to be at that particular moment was the local watering hole for the working class laborers of the town. Also known as 'the sketchiest bar in 500 miles', The Smiling Skull Saloon. It was far from her scene, but really, it wasn't like she gave a buck. As she entered the premises she noticed, though ignored, the shocked stares from the gruff and rugged patrons of the bar. Sure they were used to seeing Twilight around town, but now she was Princess Twilight, and that alone caused a sense of distance between them. Now she was in an establishment like this? Something was clearly amiss. Twilight sat down at the bar as a cream colored and lanky stallion came up to take her order. "Um...what can I get you, your uh- your highness?" He asked nervously, unsure, like the customers, of just why she was there. Twilight's eyes scanned the shelves of liquor behind the stallion before pointing a hoof at one particular bottle. "I want a bottle of Applejack Daniels." She answered dully. "Uh...a bottle, your highness?" "Yup." "Well we don't normally sell, um, bottles of hard alcohol..." He answered tentatively. Twilight just stared at him. Wordless. Emotionless. "But for your highness I'm sure we could make an exception." He quickly reassured, pulling out a fresh bottle and placing it on the counter. "That'll be 34 bits, you highness." Again, Twilight just stared. "Y-you know what? It's on the house!" He quickly corrected. "...neat." She replied, before levitating the bottle, unscrewing the cap, and beginning to chug. About this bar were some hard alcoholics. Some war veterans. Even some royal guards, probably some of the toughest stallions in the region. Yet aside from Twilight, there was not a single easy stomach in the bar. After finishing about half the bottle she set it down and began digging through the saddlebags of the pony next to her. He remained completely unmoving and silent, trying very hard to understand what exactly was happening around him. Suddenly, Twilight pulled out a small blue box with the word 'Viagra' printed across the side. She looked the stallion, likely only in his late 30's, in the eyes before commenting, "Well that sucks for you dude," and proceeding to eat the entire box of pills like tic-tacs. The bar was silent, aside from the occasional crunching of pills followed by 'glugs' of alcohol being swallowed. "Is that...uh...safe, your highness?" The bartender asked tentatively. "I unno." She replied, blue bits of pill falling from her mouth as she did so. She suddenly swiveled in the bar booth to face the crowd behind her, all staring in disbelief at the scene that just unfolded. "Anypony here got sunglasses?" She asked rather loudly. "Uh, I do." One stallion answered from the crowd. "Gimmie." "Uh, yes, your highness." He silently gave Twilight his sunglasses as she levitated them over her eyes. "So..." She paused, munching on another hoofull of viagra, "Whose got the biggest dick here?" Again, silence. "Come on, I'm not being figurative here, I mean it, who's hanging lowest?" She asked before chugging another quarter of the bottle. Slowly, nervously, one hoof raised into the air. "Uh...I think I might..?" The stallion answered, utterly horrified. There were a few more seconds of silence as Twilight swallowed the last of the blue pills. "Well step on up." ------------------------------------- 4 hours later Twilight left the bar, now wearing a suit jacket and sunglasses (despite the sun having long since gone down) smoking 3 cigarettes simultaneously and levitating a mostly finished bottle of Applejack Daniels. Behind her, as the bar doors swung open and close, the faces of the patrons could be seen. Every jaw was agape, every pupil the size of pinpricks, and one stallion lying in the fetal position on the floor of the bar, rocking back and forth. Finally, after a couple of seconds of silence, the pony on the floor finally half screamed, half cried, "WHO THE BUCK IS PATRICK SWAYZE AND WHY DID THE PRINCESS KEEP TELLING ME TO SAY HIS NAME?!" Twilight grinned as she screened the town. She was Patrick Swayze, bitch. However, Twilight (or Patrick Swayze) was now hungry and determined it was time to eat. This late however, she only knew of one restaurant that would still be open; Pizza Stable. She made her way through town, puffing on her 3 cigarettes as she walked. A few ponies made comments as she walked by. "Princess Twilight smokes?" "How revolting!" "What kind of message does that send the little ones?!" Not that she gave a buck. Finally she walked up to the Pizza Stable and instead of opening the glass door, decided it would take less effort to walk through the glass door, shattering it seemingly effortlessly. The stallion behind the counter was young, covered in acne, lanky, reeked of magic grass and had very, very red eyes. "Uh, welcome to Pizza Stable, princess, what can I get for you?" He asked, visually rattled not only by the fact that a princess was in the restaurant, but also that she just shattered the door without blinking. "Also, princess, you, uh, you aren't supposed to smoke in here." He commented while starring at the 3 lit cigarettes in her mouth. "Yeah can I get a pizza with just, like, everything on it?" She asked, deciding she really didn't give a buck what was on the pizza. "Everything?" He asked. "Yeah. You smell like magic grass, kid." She answered. "I...um...I don't know what you're talking about..." The young stallion answered, sweating profusely. "Yeah you do. I want it on the pizza." She replied. "You...you want me to put...magic grass...on your pizza?" "Yeah, and can I get a dozen chocolate lava cakes too?" She asked. To deal with this situation sober was next to impossible. To do it high was just too much. "You got it princess, coming right up." Twilight nodded and sat on the dirty restaurant floor waiting for her order. The stallion went back to the kitchen to prepare the pizza for the obviously not real princess sitting on the restaurant floor. He had accepted it. He was just too high for this to be real life. "So yo, princess, you aren't going to uh...tell anypony about this right? Like, you keep my secret I keep yours?" "Yeah, sure dude." The stallion nodded. Yup. This was all a dream. He was idiotically putting all the rest of his magic grass on a pizza, which he would bake in the company oven, only to realize nopony was there and he was just that baked. That's what was happening. Yup. As he finished the pizza and dozen lava cakes he turned around, surprised to see the alicorn unicorn was, in fact, still there, finishing a bottle of whiskey before throwing it out the hole she made in the building's entrance. There was a shatter, and a loud scream of 'MY LEG!' but Twilight didn't seem to notice. Shocked and still convinced he would wake up from this experience anytime now he handed the pizza over the counter to the princess, who grasped it with her magic. Effortlessly, she levitated a substantial amount of bits and the butts from her 3 cigarettes onto the counter. "Keep the change," She stated while walking out the first hole she created, beginning to feast on the first slice of drug infused pizza. The stallion stared as she left the building, and looked back to the pile of money (worth far more than the pizza and cakes) before blinking twice. He shrugged, placing the proper amount into the register and pocketing the rest. He began to clean the kitchen, so it would be prepared for his next, and hopefully less unreal, order, when he noticed that the mushroom topping container was still sealed in it's place, despite the fact that he very distinctly remembered putting mushrooms on the pizza. On the counter, was instead an empty small ziplock bag that had earlier been filled with some other mushrooms in his pocket. Realizing what he had done, he turned to the window to warn his princess, only to notice she as already gone. "Oops..."