//------------------------------// // Preparations and Applications // Story: The Dark Lord Café // by Jioplip //------------------------------// Ganondorf Dragmire awoke dark and early, mostly because the café had no windows. The Gerudo King briefly considered that it might be a design flaw, but he assured himself he was just being silly and boldly teleported to the bathroom. Because walking is for peasants. Once he finished his morning hygiene rituals Ganondorf teleported to the Main Hall, AKA the magically-enlarged room where non-VIP guests are seated, and marveled at its vaulted ceilings and perpetual candlelight. "Phantom!" he yelled into the semi-darkness, "tell me, what is today's itinerary?" "Well sir," Phantom spoke as he rose from beneath the tastefully-carpeted floor, his head now firmly attached and inflamed, "the café will be closed for the day, as per the schedule, which is fortunate as we're also having the moat drained today." "Yes, I'd hate to lose a business day to moat renovations," Ganondorf nodded sagely as he stroked his beard, "But we did have something else scheduled, correct?" "Oh but of course sire," Phantom exposited gleefully, "we scheduled a series of interviews to replace our pastry chef, since the last one poisoned the moat." "So we have a number of potential employees but only one opening?" the Dark Lord asked vaudevillianly. "And the interviews start in fifteen minutes," the Dark Lord's copy revealed cornily. "But I have to be on the other side of town in an hour to meet with the mayor!" Ganondorf exclaimed dramatically. "Oh that's fine sir," Phantom floated over to his master with a folder, "according to an obscure Equestrian bylaw I can appear there in your stead." "Well that's convenient," Ganondorf accepted the folder from his phantom, "so these are the resumes they sent in." Ganondorf quickly studied the resumes while he made his way over to to interviewing table, where Sauron and Ghirahim were waiting, seated like judges behind a judge-table. It occurred to Ganondorf that he may noy have awoken as early as he had first thought, but he brushed the revelation aside to focus on the uncleverly segmented interview section. Interview One: Of Hooves and Éclairs "Good afternoon Zhentlemen, I am Gustav le Grande," before the panel of Dark Lords stood the frenchest griffon they had ever seen, quite promising. Sauron was the first to speak, "So Mr. le Grande, what feats of fame have you to your name?" "Er, feats of what now?" the griffin asked perplexedly. Ghirahim sighed emphatically, "Feats of fame, also known as: Any sort of notoriety you've gained in your field." "Well, I was zhe joint winner of a prestigious dessert competition in Canterlot last year," Gustav boasted, quite literally fluffing himself up as he did so. "Joint winner you say?" Ganondorf probed eerily, narrowing his eyes, "please elaborate." "Well you see, zhe desserts of both mois and mes opponents were left ruined and unfit to enter into the competition," Gustav intoned each syllable with enough emotion to make a vaguely sappy rock cry, the Dark Lords were unimpressed, "but zhen just as all hope seemed lost and the hour of doom grew near, I was shown how camaraderie can save the day!" The Dark Lords exchanged meaningful glances, Sauron's somehow seeming quite angry through his helmet, before Ganondorf opened his mouth. "Next!" Interview Two: Feathers and Hands "So then... Lyra," Ghirahim began, "your resume is certainly interesting, it make me fear for my hands yes, but it's interesting." "Yes, I'm very passionate about attaining this position," as Lyra spoke her mouth barely moved from the unsettling grin she fixed onto the Dark Lords, "I assure you that I would make a 'handy' addition to the team." The Dark Lords didn't even need a moment to consider. "Next," Sauron intoned gravely. "Wait no please!" Lyra pleaded, "please give me another chance my friend Bonbon will vouch for me this job means so much to me I'll do anything just please offer me a shred of forgiveness." "While your groveling was impressive we're looking for a pastry chef, not a peon," Ganondorf slowly rose from his chair and leaned over the table menacingly, "now please vacate the area and allow the next applicant to come in." "Yes sir," Lyra's response came with the natural ease of the oft scolded, and her meek walk was superb. "Y'know," Ghirahim smiled slightly at the sight, "if we ever do need a peon, we should call her up." The other Dark Lords agreed as they all shuffled to their own copy of the next applicant's resume. Interview Three: I Think I Messed Up the Other Titles "So Ms. Bonbon, I take it that you're Lyra's friend?" Ganondorf asked brusquely. "Yes well," Bonbon seemed keen on avoiding eye contact, "can I just say that I'm sorry for whatever she may have done or said and I really wish I had gone before her?" The Dark Lords exchanged appreciative glances, that kind of mildly cutthroat behavior went a long way in their minds. "Well your resume lists a lot of work experience in Customer Service, but very little in regards to your jobs in the kitchen," Sauron presumably locked her with a look beneath his helmet, "now don't take this personally, but your credentials for the position are somewhat lacking." "I understand that," Bonbon stared forward almost defiantly as she spoke, "but I've been working as a cashier for far too long, I'm confident in my ability and I have a serious passion for the work, all I ask is a chance to show you my skills." The Dark Lords exchanged a long series of contemplative looks, and Bonbon began to sweat. The Dark Lords contemplated and Bonbon persperated. Perspired. Whatever, it rhymed. "Well," Ghirahim began slowly, breaking the tense silence, "we'll keep you under consideration." "Thank you sirs," Bonbon inclined her head a moderate amount, "I'll await your decision," with that, Bonbon left the room under the considering gaze of the Dark Lords. "Her ambition is promising," noted Sauron appreciatively. "It's not quite arrogance," Ganondorf chewed his cheek pensively, "but there's always room for improvement." "It's just a shame she has no misdeeds under her belt," Ghirahim sighed and shook his head, "still, she's the best applicant we've seen today." The Dark Lords found agreement in that statement and began preparations for the next interview. Interview Four: Dragons Are a Tad More Intimidating Where We Come From "So here we have one 'Spike the Dragon,' correct?" Ghirahim eyed the tiny purple... thing critically. It did somewhat resemble a dragon. "Uh, yeah, that's me," Spike looked around sheepishly as he twiddled his claws, "I was hoping that if I got a job that I might be able to pay back Twilight a bit." The Dark Lords had quite a bit to consider. On the one hand he was connected to a Princess, which means hiring them would gain them connections. On the other hand his resume only listed previous work history as a PA, so he might not be up to snuff as a pastry chef. Besides, they already had a plan to abuse that royal connection. A short glance between them was all that was needed to deliberate. "Unfortunately while you do come highly recommended, we can't in conscious accept an applicant with no experience in the field," Sauron informed the young drake evenly, "don't take it personally." "Oh, no I understand," Spike said sadly while he hopped from his stool and strode for the exit, "I'm sorry for wasting your time." The Dark Lords simply watched him leave expressionlessly, and then prepared for the next applicant silently. Intermission One: Phantom Ganon in- Everfree Dance Party Phantom Ganon flew leisurely through the Everfree Forest one night, when suddenly he stopped and looked all around. Once he was satisfied he was alone he busted a teeny tiny move, then glared around desperately for judging eyes. He saw none. Success. Interview Five: Job Application Seminar "Good afternoon, Dark Lords and other assorted ne'er-do-wells," began Iron Will as he strode confidently into the room, "I, Iron Will, am her to tell all of you!" he pointed to the Dark Lords dramatically with a whip sound and all, "should hire me!" Iron Will pointed both thumbs at his chest, whip sound included. Ganondorf idly studied Iron Will's resume, completely ignoring the minotaur himself, "Well Mr. Will, I can't help but notice that you have no work experience in the field of the position you are applying for." "Iron Will NEEDS no work experience," Iron Will started pacing back and forth in front of the Dark Lords, "Iron Will plans to use his fortitude and determination to excel at the position regardless!" The Dark Lords shared a brief incredulous look before Ghirahim spoke. "Next!" Interview Six: Potentially Out of Our League "So, just give me a body and I'll be glad to work for you." An awkward silence befell the Dark Lords as they stared at the creepy jar of smoke seated on the stool in front of them. Sauron cleared his throat, "No offense meant Mr. uh, Hades," he paused as he considered his words carefully, "but we really aren't stupid enough to fall for that, we're not heroes you know." "Oh well," despite his bodiless state, Hades seemed rather amicable about the whole thing, "I was pretty well just hoping there would be a reasonless anarchist among you." A chill passed through Ganondorf's spine as he was somehow even more thankful that Kefka wasn't around anymore. "Well, it was nice meeting you anyway Ganny, toodle-oo!" The mysterious jar disappeared mysteriously, leaving nothing but a faint taste of bile in Ganondorf's mouth. "New rule," the Gerudo King stated gravely, "no hiring dead gods, period." Interview Seven: Admit It, You've Been Waiting for This One "My name's Pinkie Pie, I was working as an apprentice baker at Sugarcube Corner but I recently completed my apprenticeship and I'm looking to gain more work experience," Pinkie Pie quite joyously recounted her tale, bobbing her head and motioning with her hooves a bit more than is strictly necessary, "I already have a fair amount of work experience and I've memorized a large number of recipes so you won't need to take me through an orientation period or anything like that." Ganondorf silently perused her resume, deliberately avoiding her gaze to let her steam a little. It was good. Heck it was the best they'd seen all day in terms of technical applicability, but... She's such a goody-two-shoes I feel physically ill next to her, thought the Gerudo King, and yet I also sense buried waves of dispair and anger. She should probably see a counselor or something. "Well," Ganondorf finally began, "while your technical skill is impressive, The Dark Lord Cafè is about much more than simply providing food service to our guests." "What do you mean?" Pinkie leaned in somewhat conspiratorially, "what is this place really about?" "Ghirahim," the green-skinned man motioned to his pale associate, "take it away." The Demon Lord arose from his chair elegantly, his cloak disappearing into luminescent diamonds, "Well you see Ms. Pie, this café serves double duty as a playground for the dark and sordid aesthetic desires of the average pony." Pinkie Pie stared at him blankly. Sauron stared at him blankly. Ganondorf stared at him somewhat irritatedly. "In plainspeak Ghirahim," Ganondorf coldly scolded. "As you wish Master," Ghirahim composed himself and restated, "to put it simply, The Dark Lord Café provides a certain macabre aesthetic to its clients: That of a villain." "A villain?" Pinkie tilted her head quizzically, "and how do you do that?" "Ornate carpeting, violet flames, vaulted ceilings, a dark oppressive atmosphere," Ghirahim smiled a twisted smile, "it certainly sets the mood." "It's just as he says," Ganondorf stood so he'd tower over his applicant, "we have a duty to maintain the force and style of a Dark Lord, is that something you think you can do?" "Actually I'm not sure this is the job for me," Pinkie said timidly as she backed towards the exit. "I think that's the wisest decision." Interview Eight: Cloaks are in this season The final applicant for the job sauntered in, covered almost completely by a sweltering cloak. What little of him that could be seen was nearly as dark as the shadows cast by his cloak. Silently he approached the table and stood in front of the assembled Dark Lords. "So then Mr. Dreary Nightshade," Ganondorf addressed the cloaked pony over tented fingers, "why is it that you have come to work for us?" "My reason is simple," Nightshade spoke with a deep voice that caused his hood to waver slightly, "I've heard tell that this place is a gathering point for powerful beings with, shall we say, sordid pasts." "It could be considered as such," Ganondorf peered suspiciously at the pony, "but why would such a place interest you, Nightshade?" "Because my name isn't Nightshade," a disturbed burbling emanated from the hood as it flipped back, revealing Nightshade's true face, "I am King Sombra, enslaver of the Crystal Empire, master of forbidden magics, conquerer of souls, and one of the few beings to survive direct combat with Luna and Celestia." The Dark Lords took a measured glance at one another before facing Sombra and speaking as one. "You're hired." Intermission Two: A Brighter Perspective Pinkie Pie backed away slowly from the Dark Lords, What weirdos, she thought as she turned to leave. As she left she passed by a strange pony in a heavy cloak, Well, at least they'll probably get along well, were her thoughts on the matter. And so Pinkie trotted off, content in the knowledge that the goths would keep each other company.