//------------------------------// // The Hottest New Place // Story: The Dark Lord Café // by Jioplip //------------------------------// Twilight Sparkle was taking a leisurely stroll through the streets of Ponyville, just breathing the fresh air as she took a much-needed break from smashing her massive intellect against that blasted box. So naturally she was elated when she spotted Rarity trotting over from across the way. "Twilight!" she called gleefully as she drew to match Twilight's pace, "just the pony I was hoping to see." "Oh?" Twilight cocked her head and gave a slight smile, "what is it you need?" "Nothing much really," Rarity gave her mane a fashionable flip, for fashion's sake, "I was just hoping I could take you to this new café that opened up last week, it's the new hot thing in town." "Sure," Twilight nodded cheerfully, "I could really use a break, and we haven't hung out in a while." The two continued on their way, Rarity leading, and kept talking small until they approached their destination. "And here it is!" Twilight focused her gaze for the first time on the enigmatic coffeehouse she'd heard almost nothing about, it gave her pause. The outside was decorated in such a way that it looked like a tiny oppressive black castle, complete with a drawbridge over a moat, a twisted iron fence surrounding said moat, a 'toxic' sign next to the moat, and what was very hopefully a fake horned skull of indeterminate origin laying on the ground. The only hint to the building's actual purpose was the horrifically clashing neon sign above the entrance reading 'The Dark Lord Café.' "I know what you're thinking Twilight," at the sound of her name the purple alicorn shifted her gaze to her pale friend, "but I assure you the interior is much more tasteful, if a tad bleak." Twilight could only stare in disbelief as Rarity gleefully trotted across the drawbridge and into The Dark Lord Café. A quick shake of the head dispelled her thought that there was something terribly wrong with that sentence and she continued after her friend cautiously. Twilight caught up to Rarity just as she was settling down in a cornor table, and the alicorn took the time before their waiter to peer at the decorations around them. It was surprisingly tasteful considering the exterior. A beautiful purple and gold carpet laden with intricate patterns wove itself between the tables and ornate black chandeliers lit with violet flames hung overhead. The tables themselves seemed to be carved from black marble and featured a delicate triangular design with another violet-flamed candle as a centrepiece.A recurring theme of darkness seemed to be what the designers were aiming for, but the various touches of gold kept it from feeling overly oppressive. Twilight's attention was torn from the decorations when she heard a rhythmic thumping approaching her table, but when she turned to see the source of the noise she was left speechless. A towering biped incased from head-to-toe in black spiky armour was slowly walking towards her, a menacing black ring-bound notepad clutched relaxedly in one hand. "Good afternoon Ms. Rarity," the being somehow managed to be cordial and intimidating at the same time, "and to you, Princess Sparkle, may I have your orders?" "Good afternoon Lord Sauron," Rarity inclined her head to the titanic being, "I'll have a mocha cappuccino please, what about you Twilight?" "What?" Twilight glanced between Rarity and Sauron for a few seconds before the question sunk in, "oh right, I'll have the, uh..." it was just then that Twilight realised there were no menus at the table, "I'll have what she's having!" Twilight gave the waiter an enormously awkward smile, though he didn't seem to notice. "Very well, your orders will be with you in a moment," the Dark Lord Sauron left to fetch the littles ponies their cappuccinos. Just in case you didn't realise what you've been reading thus far. "Rarity..." Twilight slowly turned to face her friend, who was totally unfazed by the presence of the armoured giant, "what was that?" "Oh that was Dark Lord Sauron," Rarity once again flipped her mane in a fashionable fashion, "he's one of the waiters here." Twilight could honestly think of no response to that statement, so instead she resolved herself to attempting to fathom the events of the previous minute. ... ... ... Nope, not gonna happen. Thankfully though, Twilight's futile mental twistings were interrupted by yet more rhythmic thumping. The alicorn's eyes widened in surprise when they were laid upon the approaching figure, as instead of Sauron another giant armoured biped was approaching the table with their coffee. And this one wasn't helmeted. The man's skin was green and his well-trimmed and styled hair and beard were flaming red, though Twilight had the hardest time deciding if his large nose, blinding smile, or gleaming forehead gem were his most prominent feature. "Why Lord Ganondorf, it's not often you come out personally," Rarity tittered fashionably, "what's the occasion?" "Well that's quite simple my dear," Ganondorf spoke politely as he laid down their drinks, then turning his gaze squarely to Twilight, "I couldn't simply not greet fellow royalty." "Oh," Twilight snapped out of her perpetual stupor and shifted gears to curiosity, "you're royalty as well?" "King Ganondorf Dragmire at your service," the bipedal king bowed deeply, "we must speak more at a later date, but I digress, please enjoy your drinks." Ganondorf left and the ponies finished their drinks and departed, all-in-all Twilight found it an enjoyable place and even settled an exact date to speak with Ganondorf. But deep within The Dark Lord Café the story was far from over. Night had fallen on Ponyville, but within the café the Dark Meeting Room was bustling with activity. The Dark Lord Ganondorf stood before his Dark Lord employees, specifically Dark Lord Sauron, some headless abomination, and the cruelly metrosexual pale Demon Lord Ghirahim. "Now then people, so far the plan is moving according to plan, but," Ganondorf paced in front of the other Lords as he spoke, "now that Princess Sparkle and I have a set date for our meeting, we have a problem!" Ganondorf stopped pacing to point dramatically at their fell plan, stuck on the wall with tiny blue adhesive blobs, "our patio tables are woefully behind schedule because of the horrid moat stench, and we won't be able to use the princess for publicity if no one can see her patronizing our establishment." "My apologies Lord Ganondorf," the headless being interjected somehow, "the contractor we hired to drain the moat suffered delays but they assured me that they'd have it taken care of by tomorrow." "Excellent, if they're as fast as they claim then we might even get the moatlife back up to par by the time the princess and I have our little chat," Ganondorf shook his head woefully as he resumed pacing, "if only we hadn't hired that Kefka fellow then we wouldn't have to deal with a poisoned moat." "I have good news as well Master," Ghirahim told Ganondorf gaily, "our new sign is supposed to arrive soon, so we can finally do away with that tacky horror up top." "Very good indeed," Ganondorf nodded and stopped pacing, but soon narrowed his eyes at the headless one, "but unless I'm mistaken Phantom I specifically told you not to leave your head laying around outside." The headless Phantom reached up to feel for his head, only to find it gone, "Oh consarnit." "I've said it before and I'll say it again," Ganondorf quickly entered Phantom's personal space and practically yelled in the absence of his face, "when you leave that thing outside it scares off the customers!" Ganondorf backed off and turned around, "do it again and I'll dock your pay, now go pick it up from the break room and don't lose it this time." Phantom sulked out of the room as Ghirahim and Sauron chuckled quietly at his misfortune. The meeting ended soon after and the Dark Lords went to sleep, each anticipating the coming morning and the productivity it would bring. Phantom stood guard over the café since he doesn't sleep, not that anyone was mad enough to break in.