*Click*
"Well, that should prove it to Ted." Barney smiled deviously at the two smoking hot babes lying in the hotel bed. He put his phone back in his pocket, adjusted the tie on his suit, and left like a boss.
"Now to go collect my belt and..." Barney stopped for a second and put a hand on his rumbling stomach. Feeling the sudden surge, he ran to the nearest bathroom and vomited up anything that was still in the tank from last night.
"I might have drank a little too much last night." Barney said shaking slightly. "Nah, there’s no such thing as too much booze. I got to pull it together." He checked to make sure his suit was vomit free. After confirming that he wouldn’t need another trip to the dry cleaners, he looked at himself in the mirror and raised an eyebrow.
Only I can throw up and still look awesome afterwards.
He walked out of the bathroom and turned a corner only to get hit with another wave of nausea. He ran back into the bathroom and repeated his previous endeavour.
"Oh God, what's wrong with me? Last time I checked, eight shots of tequila and sex doesn't make the Barnacle sick. It makes me awesome." He looked back up at himself in the mirror and saw that he was glowing.
"Um... maybe I did have a little too much to drink last night." Completely baffled as to why he was tripping he pulled out his phone and attempted to call Ted.
"Barney, it's eight on a Sunday. What do you want?" Ted answered, bemused.
"Ted, I need you to pick me up from the hotel on maple and sixth. I had a crazy night last night. Now I am seeing things and it is totally not awesome.. it's scary." Barney's face betrayed his nervousness from the events that were unfolding.
"Alright, but I have to stop by Robin’s place real quick. I'll be over in ten." Ted replied.
"Please hurry, I don't feel goo..." Barney's phone slipped out of his hand, and his body hit the floor with a thud. Everything around him swirled with colors. The bathroom started dissolving away and a tunnel stretched into his field of vision. The last thing Barney heard was Ted asking if he was ok.
At least it was a good night to go out on.
Before he knew it, he found himself inside the tunnel in front of him, then everything felt like it was being squeezed.
Barney was floating through cows.
Wait, cows? What the hell?
He was confused beyond reason. The colourful tunnel that Barney had fallen into had landed him in amongst some cows. He got up and brushed the dust off his suit. A quick look around told him that he was on a farm.
Someone must have drugged me and brought me to this very colorful farm. This was the only logical conclusion he could come up with.
"Moo."
"Oh be quiet, you stupid cow," Barney shot at the annoying creature.
"Sorry, didn't mean to be rude but you did land on me," The cow replied.
All the hairs on Barney's arm stood on end and his eyes shot out wide. He slowly turned around and looked at the cow in front of him. He was about to lose it, but a moment went by and the cow remained silent.
"Oh man, for a second there, I almost thought you spoke,” Barney sighed with relief.
"Well, who else did you think it was, the tree?" The cow replied sarcastically.
There were no words to describe what Barney felt. His eye started twitching and his brain blew a fuse.
" AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
The only thing the cows saw was a blur as Barney ran for all he was worth. He ran through the orchard and through the fields, until finally, a colorful town started to come into view.
"I got to get out of here. I am losing my mind!!!" He huffed and puffed.
He ran with sweat dripping from his brow and muscles screaming. However, when he finally arrived at the town, his horror only multiplied. He stood in the middle of the road transfixed with shock as the populace of the strange fantasy town stared at this strange being. What Barney saw was about a hundred talking multi-colored mini horses with weird tattoos on their asses.
"I’m dead, aren’t I? I died and went to LSD land." He said and then fainted.
"Hello!? Are you dead?"
Barney laid still, playing possum, hoping that it would go away.
"Hey! Whoever you are, I know you’re awake!"
Please don't be real. Please don't be real. Please don't be real.
"Get up."
*smack*
Barney sat up and scowled at the rainbow colored pegasus thing in front of him.
"Ow! Knock it off, you crazy horse thing. Go away and leave me alone," Barney commanded. He closed his eyes and laid back down again.
The cyan pony looked at him confused. "Well, whatever you are, you do know you’re lying on the ground in a suit right?" She stated bluntly.
Faster than the eye could see, Barney stood up and started brushing the dirt off profusely. “Oh no! This was such a beautiful suit. God in heaven please forgive me for soiling such a precious thing." Barney's voice went high pinched towards the end.
The pony next to him laughed, "Wow, you’re worse than Rarity! So...Um, who are you, and what are you?"
Barney collected his bearings and replied. "I am a human and my name is Barnabas Stinson, but let's stick with Barney. I have no idea how I got here, and I don't know how to get back. Any help you can give me would be most appreciated."
"Well, my name is Rainbow Dash. I saw you lying on the road and came to help. I am the fastest and most awesome pony in all of Equestria. I don't know if I can help much to get you home but there is a bar near by if you need something to help you relax. After all, you seem a little high strung. Then again you're not from around here?"
"Actually miss Dash, I think that might be a good idea. As long as I am here, I might as well get a drink."
"Just call me Dash. Miss isn't my thing."
With that, they started walking into town. More ponies saw Barney and ran for their lives in a panic. Barney couldn't blame them. To them, he was an alien, an outcast. He was filled with a feeling of dread that he might not ever get home or see his best friends again.
For that matter, I might never sleep with a girl again...
Then he remembered something. It was something he said a while back that made any bad situation better.
Whenever I get sad, I stop being sad and start being awesome instead.
With that in mind, his steps were lighter and the world to shine a little brighter. He was going to make this situation good. No matter what, while he was in Equestrisomething, he was going to be awesome.
Once they reached the bar Barney and Rainbow Dash grabbed a booth. They started some small talk and the waitress came by.
"Hello, what can I get for.. Holy Bucking Celestia, what are you?!" The waitresses jaw dropped.
"Winney, it's ok. This is my friend Barney. He is a human. Calm down and grab us some cider," Dash said reassuringly.
She backed up slowly eyes still bulging as she went to go grab the drinks.
Barney looked at his psychedelic friend. "Thanks. That would have been awkward."
"Don't mention it," she said, retaining her cocky attitude. The waitress returned with their drinks.
Both patrons took their mugs and toasted.
"To weird stuff," they said and gulped down the brisk hard cider.
As the amazing liquor poured down his throat, a brilliant idea formed in his mind. He set his mug down and looked at Rainbow Dash, his face had a huge grin that only a certain pink mare could appreciate.
"Rainbow Dash, I am going to teach you how to live!" He exclaimed.
Rainbow Dash looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "What?"