//------------------------------// // Don't Try This At Home // Story: Urohringr // by Imploding Colon //------------------------------// "Gaaaaaaaiiieee!" Rainbow Dash flew out the back of the Noble Jury. She twirled and toppeled until the metal cable attached around her waist jerked to a stop. "Hnnngh!" She grunted, being dragged through the rain-pelting maelstrom in reverse at suicidal speeds. Through squinting ruby eyes, she saw the black shape of the pursuing Lounge's vessel immediately facing her. The vessel bent around a bulbous cluster of dark clouds to stay on its target. With a mechanical whirr barely heard underneath the perpetual growl of thunder, it swiveled its cannons around and aimed them—glowing hot—straight at the Noble Jury and through Rainbow. "Guhhh!" Rainbow Dash kicked her legs in one direction and flapped her wings in the other. Her weight shifted dramatically, and her dragged body twirled out of the way of the twin cannon blasts before she could be reduced to ashes. The Noble Jury pulled a hard left, bursting through sheets of rain while lightning flashed all around. Rainbow's body swayed along with it. Even as she spun on the cable, her eyesight caught her own reflection in the black round hull of the pursuers. Rainbow Dash held her breath. As both ships leveled out, she tilted her wings so that her dangling body would glide towards the enemy. She brushed past the surface—ultimately swinging hard past it. "Nnnnrghhh!" Rainbow grunted, feeling the weight of the metal strips on her flank rattling with her motion. "Darn it! Guhhh!" She angled her wings once more, gliding sideways until she swept towards the vessel once more. Perhaps the Lounge sensed her, or perhaps not. Either way—as lightning reflected off its glossy surface—the ship spun and whizzed past her, attempting to broadside the Noble Jury. Rainbow Dash helplessly gasped. Squinting through a rain-soaked mane, she watched as the black sphere approached the Jury's starboard side. "Not good!" Eagle Eye stammered from inside the ship's hangar. "They're flying past her!" "Just perfect..." Josho hissed, fighting to keep his telekinetic grip of the cable. "Ay! Elkmeister!" Prowse shouted into the intercom from where he reinforced the cable rigging with his metal limb. "They're tryin' tae gie us th' broadside!" "Use those fantastical fairy sparks of yours to gain some distance, why don't you?!" "Does red beard think Floydien is made of magic and pixie spit?!" The elk fired several bright beams into the console. Ebon braced himself against the cockpit's frame and stammered, "I-I'm sure he only meant to give you a good natured ribbing—" "Boomer should have invested in an exoskeleton!" Floydien shouted and pulled the Jury into a sharp climb. "Proceed with the butt holding!" "Aaaaugh!" Ebon toppeled back into Zaid's body. "Ooof!" Soaring into the howling winds, the Noble Jury ascended suddenly. The skystone vessel pierced anvil clouds and layers of thunderous mist. The Lounge darted upwards to match the rapid climb, but it was clear that the Jury had gained more distance. Nothing, however, was clear to Rainbow Dash. She yelped at the sudden change in the ship's course. Her body swung like a pendulum through the violent rain. Streaks of lightning darted in her peripheral, and she spat out globules of rain water. "Darn it!" Rainbow Dash coughed and wheezed. "I told that diet moose to keep us steady or—" She blinked. Her body was currently dangling abreast of the black sphere. "Well, that works." Grunting, she flapped one of her wings and thrusted herself to the side. Strafing through the deluge, she reached the ship, her hooves making rough contact. Fumbling, she reached a shivering hoof into her saddlebag and yanked one strip of cobalt out. She raised the thing high over her head and prepared to slap it down. That's when the Jury evened out. The Lounge did as well, while Rainbow's body jerked up and out of range. "Gyaaugh!" Rainbow gasped as she dropped the precious magnetized metal in her grasp. "Cruddicon!" She flailed high above Lounge. Around that moment, the ship spun its cannons, recharged them, and fired at the Noble Jury. Rainbow's ship bobbed and weaved, causing her body to sway left and right like an uncontrollable water skiier. Lightning flashed above, illuminating a tiny pocket of air between her and her target. Gnashing her teeth, Rainbow Dash bucked at the air, twirled upside down, and angled her wings so that she dove at the vessel. The black sphere approached the top of her vision. When she was within a spit's reach, she twirled again and landed with all four hooves planted against the flying ship's bow. Two breathless seconds later, she was pulling another cobalt strip out and slamming it onto the black hull of the vessel. She gasped—for sparks instantly danced outward from the contact, illuminating the nearby sheets of rain. Instinctually, she kicked against the hull, putting as much distance between herself and the violent flash of light that the successfully impacted hull was experiencing. The Lounge's ship did not veer off course, nor did it experience turbulence of any kind. However, during the extent of its electrical interference, it did decelerate to a noticeable degree. Rainbow watched nervously from where she dangled. Then, after about fifteen agonizing seconds, the sparkling stopped. The cannon spun around its central axis again and the ship started accelerating once more. "Not enough..." Rainbow flapped her wings, twirled, and descended on the ship from a thunderous angle. She saw her approaching reflection in the glossy surface—but then she saw the entire vessel spinning so that its axis aligned with hers. The cannons spun around, both barrels swinging purposefully towards her like a club. "Aw crud—" WHAP! Yelping in pain, Rainbow flew hard from the blow, flailing wildly into the violent winds far off-track. Inside the Jury's hangar, the metal rigging of the cable groaned and cracked on its foundation. Eagle Eye gasped, his violet eyes reflecting the columns of steam rising from the apparatus. "Old stallion! Keep it steady! The thing's starting to buckle!" "It's no use!" Josho managed through clenched teeth. "We gotta get her to come back in! Or else she's gonna go down like a lead kite!" "Hae some bludy faith in th' wee spyug!" Prowse spat as he spun his body around the metal railing he was fastened to and braced the rigging with his whole body. "Grrggghhh... she hasnae gotten those jobby eatin' sods aff uir flenk yit!" Just then, a loud whistling sound filled the chamber. Eagle Eye's ears drooped as he felt his mane billowing more and more violently. "Do... do you feel that?!" "Sure as Hell do..." Sweating, Josho stared nervously out the hangar doors at twirling swaths of angry clouds. "Uhhh... Space elk?" "What's with all the sky indigestion that you're flying us all into?!" Josho's voice crackled over the intercom. Floydien, in the meantime, was staring out the cockpit window with a blanching expression. "Ohhhhhhhh Nancy, when will the next glimmer be our glimmer home...?" "Huh?" Ebon peered over the console then paled. "Oh sweet salad forks." Ahead of the vessel, a ginormous cyclone twirled, spinning counter-clockwise with violently dense clusters of rain and hail. It was no mere tornado, but an unearthly mile-high behemoth with steel-crushing winds whose howls pierced the water-proof windows framing the cockpit itself. "Hey guys..." Zaid scratched his mane and muttered. "I spy with my little eye something tall and pony-crushing." "Pull a left!" Elma shouted suddenly. Ebon looked back at her. "Are you out of your shell?!" "Do it!" Elma exclaimed. "The only way to escape the Flurries' Cyclones is to anticipate the wind formation and try to shake yourself out of them before you reach the inner core!" "Scrkkk! Wait a second! Flurries' Cyclones?! What in the Hell is—?" "Time to dance, Nancy!" Floydien physically yanked left on the vessel's controls. Everypony yelped as their bodies were dashed towards the right side of the cockpit. Inside the Jury's Mess Hall, Belle and Pilate yelped, tumbling across the floor until they lay on the starboard side wall as if it was suddenly the floor. Belle grabbed Kera and hoisted the limp filly towards her. Pilate gritted his teeth and trembled while the ship buckled around him. Props, in the meantime, clung upside down to a series of pipes inside the engine room, clutching a wrench in her teeth as she shimmied her way to a burst manaconduit and haphazardly repaired it amidst all the chaos. Outside the Noble Jury, it was a whole different story. Rainbow Dash clenched her teeth and covered her rain-soaked muzzle with a criss-crossing pair of forelimbs. Squinting through her hooves, she saw the Noble Jury hurdling counter-clockwise around a gigantic column of swirling mists and clouds. The howling noise of the cyclone was deafening, and Rainbow Dash was powerless to do anything but dangle far off to the right side of the Jury's emergency banking maneuver. Breathless, Rainbow Dash looked down and behind her. With a gasp, she spotted the Lounge's ship. It too was stuck in a perpetual turning motion, skimming the outer rim of the tornadic currents as it desperately pursued the runaway skystone vessel. Rainbow Dash's face jerked from the Lounge to the Jury and back to the Lounge again. She frowned with determination, then angled her wings in opposite directions. Her body started twirling, and soon that twirl turned into a broader swaying motion as she dangled wildly along the edge of the cable. Wider and wider, her body swung, until at last she was cruising left and right like an out-of-control pendulum. Timing her movements, the soaked pegasus grunted and flung her body on the last inward swing. Rainbow broke through the wind, plunged, and sailed down towards the Lounge's position. Lightning flashed, and she judged how fast she was approaching by the bright reflection glinting across the black hull. It wasn't until a fraction of a second before crossing paths that she realized she wasn't going to make physical contact with the vessel itself. Gritting her teeth, Rainbow resorted to an act of desperation. She spun around, flung her hooves back, and ripped open all the pouches of her saddlebag. Every remaining piece of cobalt flew out of her satchel and soared into the winds. However, Rainbow Dash was ready for this, and she growled as her body spun one last time, bucking half a dozen slabs with well-timed kicks. The bulk of the slabs were propelled towards the Lounge's ship below. At least four made their mark, clinging to the black hull with sparks of electricity. Less than a second later, Rainbow spotted the trademark yellow glow of the ship's engines flickering out. The entire vessel spun out of control, noticeable only by the rear fins of the craft whirling like loose blades. Then, powerless before the winds, the Lounge's ship drifted left... left... and plunged into the cyclone. Rainbow gasped, watching as the black sphere became one with the tornadic monstrosity. For a second there, it looked as though the dark craft had disappeared entirely. Then—with a nightmarish howl of sliced air—the ship was ejected violently from the heart of the cyclone. It whizzed past Rainbow Dash—sparkling—and disappeared deep into the depths of the thunderous Flurries below. Eagle Eye beamed from ear to ear. "She did it!" He looked ecstatically at the others. "She got them off our tail!" "Lollipops!" Josho grumbled, tugging at the cable with his telekinesis. "Let's reel her in!" "Careful..." Eagle Eye winced as he too pulled at the metal cord with violet energy. "Careful..." "She's bankin' tay stoaner towards th' cyclain!" Prowse shouted, his voice vibrating from the jolts to the metal rig. "We've got tae move uir asses awa' frae th' waterspit!" "Ya hear that, Floyd?!" Josho shouted. "The dance is over! Time to go home!" "He compacts it into such little spit," Floydien droned as he punished the controls, attempting to break away from the tornado's outer circumference. "You can do it, Floydien!" Ebon Mane stammered. "Just easy does it—" "Can it, sailboat!" Floydien sweated and strained. "Nancy... doesn't... want to budge!" "It's too late!" Elma exclaimed shakily. "We're caught in the vortex!" "Then how do we get out of 'the vortex?!'" Ebon remarked. "Well..." Elma fidgeted in her shell. "I've done it a few times myself, but usually in ships smaller than this." "Out with it already!" Floydien hissed. "If we pull a hard left, accelerate, and puncture the eye of the cyclone—" "Ew!" Zaid grimaced. "On a scale of one to ten, that's Ew eleven! Maximum Ew!" "This ship's sturdy!" Elma said. "It'll be bumpy! But we'll make it!" "But what of Rainbow?! She's like a flying squirrel on a leash right now!" Zaid exclaimed. "And letting the winds rip her into a thousand sexy pieces isn't going to make up for the one sexy piece she already is now!" "Can Nancy survive the twirl-twirl at this rate?!" Floydien sputtered. The turtle winced. "No. Most likely not..." "Then there's only one way to finish this..." "Ahhhhhhhhhh poo." Zaid grimaced. Ebon was practically sprawled up against the intercom. "Guys! This is super important!" "You gotta haul Rainbow Dash in and close the doors and you gotta do it now!" "What..." Josho strained and sweated, "Do you idiots... th-think we're friggin' doing...?" "Just hold on, Rainbow Dash!" Eagle Eye shouted, his eyes locked on the distant blue shape twirling on the far end of the cable they were dragging through the open hangar doors. "You're gonna make it through this! Just you wait and—" "Uhm... dornt swatch noo, mates..." Prowse nervously glanced aside and pointed a flesh hoof at the buckling metal rig. "But... uh..." "Oh for the love of tits!" Josho growled, his horn glowing brighter. "Rainbow Dash!" Eagle Eye suddenly hollered. "You gotta fly! Flap your wings toward us or something! Anything! It's gonna blow!" Prowse flew muzzle-deep into the contraption, clenching a wrench between his teeth that he used to tighten the loosening bolts as hard as he could. When that didn't work, he transformed his metal prosthetic into a bunch of talons and tried reinforcing the plate attaching the metal rigging to the hangar floor. Meanwhile, the cable being slowly retracted into the apparatus started wobbling and groaning at an alarming rate. Tiny, dangerous fractures formed all along its taut surface. And Rainbow... ...was struggling to pull herself towards the Noble Jury, yanking at the tight cable with one forelimb stretched out before the other. She gritted her teeth and hissed into the howling winds. Lightning flashed uncomfortably close, highlighting the frothy outer surfaces of the mammoth cyclone to her left. A piece of the hangar's floor shattered and flew loose. Rainbow faintly heard Eagle's yelping voice, but she was already yanking her head to the side. With miraculous luck, she dodged the flying shrapnel of debris, blinking at it as it disappeared into the tempestuous chaos. For a brief moment, time slowed, and all Rainbow could hear was the throb of her own heartbeat against her ears. "Axan..." She muttered. "You friggin' pretentious flying crocodile. Now would be a good time, ya think?" Nothing happened. The howling and the chaos picked up. "Hrmmmf..." Rainbow Dash pulled at the cable some more. "I see how it is." From the pit of her being, the tiniest of devilish smirks crossed her rain-soaked face. "To be honest, I kind of prefer it this way." Crkkkkk! The cable gave some slack. Rainbow's body jerked while it was just a few naked feet from the open doors of the Jury's hangar. Eagle Eye shouted something, then so did Prowse. The metal rig shook, jostled, and cracked straight down the center. Rainbow Dash's forelimbs were already flurrying around her waist. With panicked precision, she unraveled the cable from her body and flapped her wings. Crackkkk! The rigging broke loose, along with the dangling cable. The metal mess flew straight past Rainbow Dash with flesh-slicing force. Rainbow twirled like a figure-skater through it all, spread her wings, and flapped one last time, propelling herself like a blue bullet towards the rear doors of the Jury. Her hooves stretched out as she squeaked into her clenched teeth. And she missed the doors by about two feet. Rainbow's pupils shrank. Her body plunged back into the Flurries. "Gotcha!" Josho shouted, dangling at the end of his attached cable. Rainbow Dash jerked in place, caught in the unicorn's levitation field. Eagle Eye braced himself against the old stallion's flank as he added his magic to Josho's. Together, the ex-soldiers slowly, slowly pulled Rainbow Dash in through the open doors of the ship. Prowse was ready, his metal hoof clinging to the lever along the wall. Once Rainbow Dash was far enough inside, he gave the instrument a jerk, and the doors slammed shut. Everypony slumped hard to the floor as soon as the air pressure normalized. Wheezing, Josho rolled Rainbow Dash off of him and sputtered towards the intercom. "She's in! She's in! Do it!" Floydien immediately yanked the controls right and then left. "Beloved's going to hate Floydien in the morning!" "Oh boy!" Zaid hugged Ebon tight. "Hurl time! Cleanup on the other side!" "Gaaaaah!" Elma cover her eyes while the Noble Jury violently twirled... ...and plunged left, flying ninety degrees towards the heart of the cyclone. Lighting erupted around it, illuminating the suicidal path it was inevitably taking. The moisture along the outer rim of the tornado was so dense that it reflected the red glowing skystone of the approaching vessel. A high pitched whine filled the air... ...that was audible even inside the mess hall where Bellesmith, Pilate, and Kera sat. The mare sat up, her chestnut eyes staring widely out the portholes as the surface of the cyclone approached frightening close. She wrapped her arms tightly around Kera. As the whining reached a fever pitch, she glanced aside and mewled to the cacophonous air. "Pilate...?!" The Noble Jury struck, and bodies flew.