Equestriooo

by MythrilMoth


Tea with the Grey Earl

A unicorn page trotted into Celestia's official study, the less formal receiving room where the ruler of Equestria met with dignitaries and important guests outside of Royal Court. "Your, ah, visitor has arrived, Your Highness."

Celestia nodded politely. "See him in."

The page withdrew; he returned a moment later, accompanied by a tall, thin bidepal being. This creature wore a crisp grey high-collared uniform, with a white sash and black belt. A sheathed sword hung at his side. His head was round and bulbous, tapering to a hairless nub at the top. His flesh was tough, leathery, and yellow; three faint, puckered scars crisscrossed his long-nosed, wide-eyed face. He gave the page a thin-lipped stare. "Announce me," he commanded in a high voice.

The page cleared his throat. "Announcing His Excellency, the Earl of Lemongrab."

Lemongrab narrowed his eyes. "You did not announce my purpose," he hissed.

The page gave the Earl a panicked look. "Ahem...His Excellency, the Earl of Lemongrab, has come to take tea with Princess Celestia."

"Acceptable," Lemongrab muttered before striding to the table. He bowed. "Princess."

"A pleasure, Earl," Celestia said cordially. "Please, be seated." As Lemongrab sat across from Celestia, a maid poured two cups of hot tea, then retreated. An array of items, from sugarcubes to honey to a small milk pitcher, lay on the table. Celestia levitated the milk pitcher and the bowl of sugarcubes, offering them to Lemongrab. "Milk or sugar?"

Lemongrab nodded. "One lump of sugar and a very small amount of milk, if you please."

Celestia added the requested items, then serviced herself and returned them to the table. As Lemongrab stirred his tea, Celestia levitated a lemon wedge over her own tea. She had just squeezed a few drops in when her eyes widened. "Ahem. Lemon? ...yes, perhaps not."

"Mmmmnnnnmmm," Lemongrab muttered, picking up his cup and sipping it. He studied Celestia over the brim of the cup with his wide, unblinking eyes.

"I regret that I haven't taken time to meet with you sooner," Celestia said. "You are, after all, second in line to Princess Bubblegum's throne."

Lemongrab frowned slightly. "Technically, that is no longer true. If something should happen to Mother Princess, I would now be regent to Grape Bubblegum." He paused. "I think. It is confusing." He set his cup down and clutched his head. "Mother Princess confuses me!" His voice grew more sharp and piercing toward the end.

Celestia stared at him. "Are...you alright?"

Lemongrab closed his eyes, then coughed once. "Forgive me," he said. "I have...suffered much. Lately I am...not sure of myself."

"I...see," Celestia said. Her eyes flicked to the scars that lined the Earl's face. "An...accident?" she hazarded. Before he could answer, she sighed. "Forgive me, it is inappropriate to ask."

Lemongrab said nothing, choosing instead to noisily slurp his tea.

"Well, then..." Celestia sipped her own tea. "I hope you're enjoying Equestria."

"It is...acceptable," Lemongrab said. "Except for the ponies in Appleloosa. They are unacceptable."

Celestia blinked. "The settler ponies in Appleloosa are unacceptable?"

"UNACCEPTABLE!!" Lemongrab declared. "They are noisy and unruly and obsessed with salt. SALT!!" He slammed his teacup down noisily. "Their obsession with salt makes my lemon essence boil!" Even as he said this, his head began to bulge and throb randomly.

Celestia stared at him, unconsciously sliding a half-step away from the table. "I'll...look into that," she said.

Lemongrab settled down. "They are...nice," he said. "And friendly. Just...noisy and obsessed with salt." He finished his tea, stood, and bowed. "Thank you for the tea. It was a pleasure to meet you." With that, he turned and left.

Celestia blinked, nonplussed at his abrupt departure.


After lowering the sun, Celestia paid a visit to the Golden Oaks Library in Ponyville. "Princess Bubblegum," she asked as she located the pink princess, "may I ask you a question about the Earl of Lemongrab?"

Princess Bubblegum sighed. "Oh, what did that butt do this time?"

"There is no cause for alarm," Celestia said. "I simply wish to know if he is...how can I put this politely..."

"Brain-damaged?" Princess Bubblegum asked. She shrugged. "Lemongrab is...complicated. Moreso after he exploded and I put him back together using pieces of his brother. He's actually much calmer now, but...he has some interesting mood swings from time to time."

Celestia blinked. "Put him back together using--"

"It's a long story." Bubblegum shook her head. "Just ignore him unless he kills someone. He's mostly harmless...he's just weird."


Lemongrab strode into the Salt Block Saloon and took a seat at a table. A few uncomfortable minutes passed before a saloon girl placed a glass of water and a small chunk of salt in front of him. He picked the salt up, studied it from several angles, then took an experimental lick. His eyes widened in realization.

"Acceptable."