//------------------------------// // When everybody talks, babe // Story: Everypony Talks // by Comet Burst //------------------------------// You remember that poor guard that was in the room when Princess Celestia shouted? You know, the one that confused the river with a bay? Yeah, that poor soul. After enduring possibly the loudest shout ever heard by mortal ears, he was carted off to the Infirmary, babbling about how he had heard the voice of Faust, the Creator. He claimed that within the unearthly shout, the great alicorn of legend appeared to him, speaking in riddles that he claimed predicted the future. Blessed by her, she left him with a single request: to spread the word of her return to the Realm of Harmony. Needless to say, nopony believed him, especially after he claimed that there would be a great soda revolt, causing all of ponykind to obtain unnecessary concoctions of bubbly drinks, blurring the line between proper caffeinated beverages from the sugar filled posers. That, he predicted, would lead to the Beverage War between the forces of the Light Chai Empire and the New Dark Roast Republic against the Soda Bloc where, when all hope was lost, Faust herself would descend from the skies in glorious ornate golden armor, wielding a flaming horn of justice and bringing peace back to the world. What was ironic, though, was that he acted the whole prophecy out wearing a fez of unknown origins and scribbling a blue box onto a piece of parchment. Now, after a generous dosing of traquilizers and a few hours of bed restraints, the nameless soldier was much more calm, the fire in his eyes gone. Taking slow, measured breaths, he stared up at the ceiling, trying to deal with the news that he had been clinically insane for the last few hours and now he was on an IV of relaxants to bring his heart rate down from the astronomical levels it previously had plateaued at. The doctor, who had left a mere ten minutes ago, had ordered him to have full bed-rest for a couple days and some possible hearing therapy afterwards. Just as serenity was starting to wash over him, though, the sonorous echoes of Princess Luna rang out. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Her amplified voice thundered in his room, causing his heart rate to spike. "My Princess!" He screamed back at the ceiling, "Take heed of my words! The lies of the Soda will be brought to light and they will bring down the whole of Equestria down with them! Let them be exposed! Trust in Faust, my liege!" "What the buck is going on in here?!" Another guard roared as he barged into the room, spinning about wildly. He was pretty sloppy looking, his armor looking like it was thrown on in a hurry. "REPENT!" The one in the bed wailed as if in agony. "Repent, my dear brother! The great Beverage War is upon us!" Almost as if on cue, a doctor and nurse sped into the room, bee-lining straight for him. The hastily dressed guard watched in horror as they began to tighten his restraints and mess with the various liquids attached to him. "Nurse, forty more CCs of Xylazine, stat!" The doctor shouted, his brow furrowed in concentration. Even as he tightened the restraints, though, his efforts began to prove futile as the nameless guard fought for his freedom. "It's not working, doctor!" The young nurse shouted back, concern edging out any other emotion on her face. The doctor felt the grim reality of the situation come down upon him right then, knowing that what he had to do was the most extreme measure possible. "Ready the mallet." He spoke in a cold tone. "DISCORD!" Luna roared, pure ire burning behind her cerulean irises, "WHAT HATH THOU DONE NOW?! THE TRIALS OF TODAY HAD BEEN SOLVED ALREADY, YET YOU SEE IT FIT TO BRING THEM BACK FOR THINE OWN AMUSEMENT!" Princess Celestia whinnied weakly as she rubbed her ears through her flowing mane, her eyes shut with pain. The incessant ringing caused by Luna sounded as if there was a Breezie stuck in her ears, smashing cymbals together to gain her attention. Discord, however, smiled and leaned back in his chair, putting his paw over the back and crossing the pony leg over his dragon one. Coughing slightly, he brought his bird claw up to his mouth and pulled out two pieces of gray matter as if they were waiting there the whole time. He placed both pieces on the crown of his head and they stood up accordingly, each becoming his ears. "My, my, Luna!" He spoke in a smooth tone. "Did you learn to shout like that on the moon? Perhaps I need to visit there sometime to harness the power of my own voice." "ANSWER THE QUESTION BEFORE WE SEND YOU THERE REGARDLESS!" Luna shouted back, her pupils growing smaller. "Ooooh no. Just calm down, Luna. There is no need to stress yourself out. In fact, do you like fruit?" Discord responded calmly, his smirk growing wider. "WHAT?!" "Do you like fruit?" "DON'T YOU DARE, DISCORD!" "Well, do you like mmm—" "DISCORD!" "Bananas?" A couple of things happened all at once, causing a massive amount of mayhem in the Royal Dining Hall. An angry shout came from Luna just as Discord broke into uncontrollable laughter, teleporting away as a midnight blue streak darted to his last position. Turning sharply, the streak that was Luna shot up to the ceiling where Discord's gleeful laughter echoed from. He teleported once again as Luna neared him, anger lighting up her eyes like the full moon. Below, Celestia just sighed morosely as she stared at her oatmeal. With her younger sister in a tizzy with their once and forever mortal nemesis, there wasn't much the Solar Princess could do but sigh when they inevitably made their way to the table, smashing it in half and sending her lukewarm meal to the far wall. A series of ancient curses flowed from Luna's mouth, each one insulting Discord in ways modern ponies would not understand. "DISCORD, THOU IS A ▒▒▒▒▒▒! COME BACK HERE RIGHT ┬┴┬┴ NOW SO WE CAN ○○○○○ THOU IN THINE ████-HOLE!" She screamed. Celestia had to admit that she was rather surprised by her vocabulary, especially since most of those words were before ponykind had a written language. Discord, for his part, simply roared with laughter as he teased her with various magical tricks, all centering around bananas. Peels rained down on the Lunar Princess one moment, followed by banana-shaped motifs appeared everywhere and then Discord himself appearing as a giant banana. "What's wrong, Luna?" He asked between bouts of laughter, "Need your Dark Roast Republic to save you from the banana threat?" Luna wailed uncharacteristically as she threw herself at Discord, catching him off-guard and tackling him into the table, splattering bananas everywhere. Celestia simply sighed once more as Luna attempted to strangle Discord, shaking his head and neck around violently. Even though the fight of the century was going on in front of her, the Solar Princess's thoughts were elsewhere, centered on the ponies she called her subjects. If only they knew what stress they brought upon her and Luna with this, they may reconsider trying to split Canterlot between the coffee and tea drinkers. "Luna," she spoke in a sad voice, not even looking to her. "Please let him go. He's turning purple." True enough, Discord's face had turned a violent shade of plum while Luna glared daggers at him, still shaking his head around like a dog with a toy. Her pearly white teeth were bared and clenched in the meanest snarl she could muster, so she spoke through them in a voice that could make a constipated pony relieve itself. "NOT. UNTIL. HE. APOLOGIZES!" "He can't apologize if he can't breathe." Celestia pointed out. Discord, for his part, raised his lion paw, revealing a white sign with the message 'She's right, you know' to Luna. After giving one final shake and a frustrated grunt, Luna released Discord and spun to her sister while he gasped loudly. "HOW CAN THOU BE SO CALM AT THIS MOMENT?!" She demanded, her angry gaze burning brightly. "WE HAVE ENDURED MORE STUPIDITY TODAY THAN THE MAGIC BANANA INCIDENT HE TORMENTED US WITH!" To accentuate her point, Luna gave a swift kick to Discord, knocking what little air he had back out. Discord spluttered like a deflating balloon as he fell onto his chest. "AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, WE HAVE AN IDIOT'S REVOLT GOING ON OUTSIDE OUR CASTLE!" "Luna, please calm yourself." Celestia spoke sweetly. "There is nothing to be this upset about." A small silence ensued as Luna registered her sister's words before she responded. "ARE THOU MAD WITH AGE?! THERE IS EVERYTHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT!" "Yes, Luna, but getting angry with it does not solve the problem." "IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING SO FAR!" Luna aimed another kick at Discord, but he managed to bend his body away from the hoof, a fearful look in his yellow eyes. Without a second to spare, he teleported away and poked his much smaller head out from Celestia's mane, looking like a small animal that had taken refuge with a bigger relative. "As I recall, it was your brash actions that spurred on the revolt." Celestia spoke in a serious tone, her horn lighting a clear bluish color. The miniature Discord in her mane disappeared with a small pop before appearing next to her in his true size. "WE DID WHAT HAD TO BE DONE, SISTER! UNLIKE YOU, WE ARE NOT AFRAID OF THE COMMON IDIOT!" Both sisters flashed glances at each other; Celestia's hard and calculating stare meeting Luna's wild and irate snarl. Discord, while a huge fan of watching siblings fight, gulped hard instead, fearing for his own safety should the situation escalate any further. He had seen their previous castle and what they did to it and, he had to admit, the damage was nothing short of cataclysmic. Deciding to avoid a true civil war and the lovely chaos that followed, he cleared his throat, drawing both of their gazes. "If I may interject," he spoke in his smooth voice, "It seems that both of you are quite stressed by this." "WHAT GAVE THOU THAT IMPRESSION?!" Luna roared back, ancient sarcasm edging her voice. Discord couldn't help but crack a smile at that, knowing he had their full attention. "Oh, just a hunch." He purred before disappearing, materializing an instant later behind Celestia with the newspaper in his paw. "It would seem that, and this is just a guess, the ponies you call subjects took one of your actions out of context and—" "DOES THOU HAVE A POINT WITH THIS?!" "I was getting to that." Discord answered in an annoyed tone, casting an irritated glance at Luna. "Anyway, they took an event out of context and it exploded into something big, correct?" To accentuate his point, he patted his bird arm on Celestia's back, causing her to look down in shame. "It wasn't meant to be taken like this." Celestia spoke softly. "I just said the tea was good...." "And then one of you," Discord continued, his smile growing, "Flew off the handle, reacting to the situation in what appeared to be a solution, but made it worse." His yellow eyes locked onto Luna as she breathed heavily, clearly not amused. "Is there a point to this or are you getting some twisted amusement out of recounting today's events?" She demanded in a tone that almost sounded tame compared to her previous shouts. "Well, I won't deny that I so absolutely ADORE the chaos you two have caused, but I do have a point." Discord stated proudly. "And it's rather quite simple. All you two have to do is give me some free time with your ponies and I can fix all of this." A long silence ensued as Discord waited for an answer, both Princesses staring at him with disbelief. Luna in particular had a mix of fury, revulsion and confusion that Discord had to stifle a laugh at. "And what would you do to them to make them forget all of this?" Celestia asked cautiously. Discord's grin only became wider as he turned to her, ready to elaborate on his plan.