No One's like Blueblood

by Doctor Parker


The Downfall and Uprising of Blueblood

Oszu tried to ingest this: "So let me get this straight: Snails-"

"Was always high" Blueblood cut in. "Blazed right out of his mind he was."

"Diamond-" Oszu barely began.

"Went through nasty withdrawal periods. Tense as Tartarus. That's why she gave her classmates a hard time and thought that 'lame-kin' was a really good punchline. Silver Spoon, and her team, Mary Jane and Crystal, are in prison now, after a nasty incident in which Snails had an overdose of a particularly bad batch. The cause was identified, and it was traced back to Silver Spoon. Diamond went through her worst of withdrawals, but the Cutie Mark Crusaders were there for her, even though she was being a colossal bitch."

"How do you know this?"

"Diamond Tiara herself told me, though perhaps she was so high back then she remembers things wrong."

"Didn't Cheerilee do something about it?"

"Why should she?"

"Well, it seems like it should be within a teacher's responsibility."

Blueblood frowned. "You know, we had a teacher who was so strict...she used to stand around saying 'NO CLOPPING!', and you had the whole morning to get through, because she had really bouncy teats."

"And just what does that have to do with this?"

"Nothing, it's just injustice, that's all."

"Well, I bet her parents noticed" Oszukac tried to add on a more positive note.

"Why should they?" Blueblood asked glumly. "They would have been busy enough with their own bed problems, I'd wager."

Fancy Pants laid low, looking out the window, for he hoped that by pretending that he didn't know them, he would not be associated with their folly.

As for Oszu, he stopped blaming himself for Blueblood's downfall: It had been written since the beginning.

Blueblood also mused about this, thinking about how it all began

********************

In fact, Blueblood's downfall had been going on since before school. When he was four years old, his father was looked after by a Mare named May, and when she came over, she gave Blueblood a lollipop and then she spent time with Blueblood's father, and they played...games...

Blueblood's father, Pureblood, had a favorite game in particular: "Suck my fat banana". Poor Blueblood had to hear it all, which was actually somewhat traumatizing to him as a foal, especially because it seemed like Pureblood and May were having a lot of fun, but it was a scary kind of fun, that involved a lot of frightening and violent things. He didn't know what May and Pureblood were really doing, but he knew it was fun for them and scary to him. Perhaps that was why Blueblood did whatever he could to disgrace conventional sexuality: Because he wanted to convince himself that he had a good father who was only doing what was natural.

Blueblood's father was the worst of the worst. He was a draft evader and an ex-spoiled brat. Blueblood did whatever he could to forget him.

One day, Blueblood's mother, Nobility, came in through the front door, groceries in each of her forelegs cheerfully greeting the rest of the household. Even though they had servants, Nobility still lived the way she did before she married Pureblood. She soon caught Pureblood doing May, and that was especially annoying for Nobility, because he was getting a lot of head. Blueblood's mother shouted at May: "Get out my my house, you useless whorse!"

All May said was reply in a thick Cockney accent: "'ow did you know I was a 'ooker?"

Nobility had no intention of claiming that May was in fact, paid to play "Suck my Fat Banana" nor did she know that for sure: So that really did it.

"GET OUT OF HERE!!!"

And so May dashed out like an electronic raisin.

And Blueblood never saw May again. No more lollipops. But his dad made fewer scary sounds and said fewer scary words and did fewer scary things.

Then Nobility had a very firm chat with Blueblood's father, while the household staff laid low pretending that they knew nothing about this. As for Blueblood, he peeked around his parents' bedroom door and listened in on everything: "Don't ever let me catch you doing May again!"

Pureblood's mind immediately went to work on ways to do May without ever being caught again. However, Blueblood inherited his father's brains, which to put it kindly, was not a whole lot to inherit. So Pureblood realized he couldn't think of anything that worked and tried this: "Um, uh, sorry dear, sorry...can I diddle Ms. Goodall?"

Nobility could not believe what she just heard, so she became very firm: "No diddling any other girls!"

Pureblood was in a pickle now, but he always could think of an alternative: "What about George?"

Suddenly, Nobility's face changed: She was clearly trying very hard not to look excited, so it was of no surprise that she blurted out "Damn, that's hot!!"

Pureblood was so certain he won somehow! Now he can diddle George! However, Nobility must have seen the change on Pureblood's face and realized what she said, and so she corrected herself: "No, no, don't diddle him! Don't!! Don't diddle anyone at all! Except for me!! And for Sunflare's sake, don't diddle in front of our own son!!"

Pureblood was pouting; now all he could diddle now was his boring old wife!

****************

That was indeed, the problem with Blueblood's community: They were rich, and most of them didn't earn their wealth like Magnum or the Rich family, they gained their wealth from being in movies or music, or just being favored by a dominant political party. In you have such a background, you're liable to believe that you're morally invincible, hence "Suck my Fat Banana" with a married stallion.

When her marriage began falling apart, Nobility deicided that maybe it was better if Blueblood was kept away from his father. So he was sent to live with his hippie one-hundredth-and-seventeenth cousin Celestia, who he took to calling "Auntie" like she tried to make all of her students call her. Because they were one-hundredth-and-seventeenth cousins, "Auntie" had a little more meaning between them than most. If Twilight responded to Celestia's goofiness by over-resisting it with increasing obsession for perfection, Blueblood, her classmate, went along with it all together too well, to the point where he was, as his mother described May, a "useless whorse". He was perpetually haunted by his father's dallyings, and perhaps he became that way partly to make the memories less traumatizing, and Celestia was such a hands-off teacher that she just let him go in that direction, hoping he would pull himself out.

In a club, our tragic hero lounged with his friends, Hoity-Toity, Pokey Pierce, now the artist formerly known as Pierce (Pierce recently renamed himself an unpronounceable squiggle), Fancypants, Soarin', Shining Armor, Filthy Rich, Iron Will, Jet Set, and Oszukac. When in the walls of this club, Oszukac was his most trusted friend, and most hated enemy: In short, they were like brothers, or worse, lovers (or would have been if they weren't equally stupid). There were less frequent visitors to the Gentlemen's club, namely Bulk Biceps, the fiance of the Element of Kindness, Big McIntosh (I don't give a damn care how it's actually spelled), brother to the Element of Honesty, Trenderhoof, a writer, Discord, who was the "shared prize" of both Princess Celestia and Pinkie Pie, and then there was Sukhbataar, who in this reality out of the many he exists in, was Twilight's sex slave consort, permitted to the club due to his associations with royalty, and Cheese Sandwich, who planned parties for that club.

Now, all of the ten frequents were heavily drinking, to the point of maximum intoxication, and ended up doing what drunk war veterans do: Make poop jokes.

"Everypony here would like to take a dump on you, Blueblood!" chortled Oszukac, who was glad to poke fun at Blueblood's constipation plight. Now it was a state secret between Blueblood and Oszukac....

Oszukac then proceeded to ask Blueblood: "Now, why don't you take a dump! Show 'em what yer made of! *hic*! They say nobody shits like Blueblood!"

Blueblood had no choice but to confess in intoxicated sing-song: "Oszukac, I'm afraaaiiiid I'm constiPATed, my pooOoOp is too la-a-a-a-arge!"

Even Soarin's drunken mind could comprehend just how strange that remark was, and he laughed...Oszukac grinned broadly, getting Prince Blueblood into the embarrassing situation he planned. Blueblood figured this out and would not take kindly to that: He punched Oszukac and then Soarin', shouting in song: "To infi-i-i-i-nityYYyyY...and beyond!!"

Giggling with alcoholic delight, Oszu then said cheerfully: "You need to take more laxaAatives!"

"YES!!" Blueblood exclaimed.

Then he dumped the whole jar of laxatives into his mouth.