//------------------------------// // Aftermath // Story: Finding Her Place // by 97xxfastbike //------------------------------// Ditzy sat on the couch with a plate on her lap staring blankly at the melting pads of butter slowly sinking into the halves of her reheated blueberry muffin. Behind her, she could hear Abacus in the bathroom rushing to get ready to go to his classes. He had tests to take. He had to go. And she understood. She did. She was glad she wasn’t crying anymore. If she were still crying, she would make it impossible for him to leave. And he needed to leave. He needed to move on. She wanted him to move on. He deserved to move on. The bathroom door opened behind her and she could hear Abacus running around the room getting his books and putting on his saddlebags. There was a pause in his activity. She could feel him looking at her. She didn’t want him looking at her. He didn’t need to be thinking about her. He had more important things to do. “You’re going to be late.” She barely heard herself speak. Her voice vacillated between a whisper and a weedy squeak. She sounded so weak and pathetic she was sure he would try to find some excuse to stay. She swallowed to try and clear her voice, preparing herself should she need to convince him to leave. There was movement again in the room. She was expecting him to come over and rub her shoulder or embrace her in an attempt to comfort her. Unwillingly, she felt herself tense up anticipating his touch. Instantly, she hated herself for that reaction, and that dirty feeling descended on her again; the feeling like she had been rolled around in filth. She wanted to bathe again. Even though she had already bathed this morning before Abacus. She closed her eyes and tried to suppress the wave of nausea that followed these dirty feelings. She reopened them when she heard Abacus handling bed sheets. Her peripheral vision saw that he was hurriedly making his bed. The feelings of nausea grew worse. “Abacus, please! Leave the bed…Hurk!” Her stomach spasmed and she covered her mouth to keep the stomach fluids from spilling out. Another heave squeezed tears out of her eyes, but after that her nausea, mercifully, retreated. “Okay, umm… Are you okay?” He sounded like he was walking on eggshells She could feel Abacus was hovering in indecision. She swallowed a few times and cleared her throat. “I’m not crying,” she reassured him as she wiped away the tears, “I’m just feeling sick.” “Okay, do you want me to..?” Abacus started to entreat her cautiously. “I don’t want you to be late for class!” Ditzy snapped back and instantly regretted being so rude and interrupting him and her angry, irritated tone. “Sorry.” She apologized after a sigh. “It’s okay,” Abacus said in a soothing tone like one would use while trying to exit an occupied lion cage. He walked to the door and magically unlocked the bolt and chain. “I’m leaving now but, I’ll come back here for lunch. Okay?” Ditzy nodded at first, but realized that probably wouldn’t be enough to convince him. “Okay, I’ll be fine. Goodbye. I’ll get the door.” See you at lunch.” The door closed softly. Then she could hear Abacus trotting down the hall. Ditzy looked down at the plate in her lap. The butter on the right half of her blueberry muffin was completely melted now. Where was her appetite? She wondered, feeling guilty about not having taken even one bite of the breakfast Abacus had made for her. Maybe she would have an appetite after she cleaned herself up. She thought. She didn’t feel clean enough to eat anything right now. She stood and set her plate on the breakfast bar. Then she went to the door and set the chain and bolt. Now she could bathe. She rifled her mane with a hoof and stopped. Her mane was still damp from the bath she had just taken and she could smell the scented shampoo. She closed her eyes and concentrated on breathing in the clean fragrance while hoping that the flowery scent alone could purge the dirty feelings she felt, but nagging doubts harassed her with every breath. You will never feel clean again! “Stop it!” Hurtful words now floated into her consciousness and badgered her. Dirty slut! Filthy whore! You don’t deserve to feel clean! “Stop it!” She said aloud, her anxiety forcing her to start trotting around the room. Moving helped, until she looked at the bed. Now visions of last night assaulted her. She could clearly see his straining face above her. “Stop it!” Ditzy yelled as she yanked her attention away from the offending furniture. You yelled that last night, didn’t you? But you didn’t mean it. You wanted him. He asked you if you wanted to and you said ‘yes’. Didn’t you? “Stop it, stop it, stop it!” Ditzy ran into the bathroom where she spun around to shut and lock the door behind her like that would keep the voices out. Then she threw herself at the bathtub and began clawing at the faucets like she was suffocating and they were her only supply of oxygen. She told herself that she just wanted to feel clean again, as she stripped out of her undertail and stepped into the bathtub. But no, that was a lie, she HAD to feel clean again. Somehow. Abacus tried to tell himself that he was doing the right thing the whole way to class. He had a test this morning, and make-up tests were intentionally made more difficult and given points penalties to discourage students from missing any test. Furthermore, Ditzy wanted him to go. He just seemed to make things worse when he was there. It made sense that she would find his presence agitating, as he was the cause of her current emotional state. But all that reasoning didn’t keep him from feeling like he was abandoning a friend in need. The test went better than he expected, but he couldn’t feel relief at passing another hurdle. Now he had nothing to distract him from remembering the shattered look Ditzy had that morning. He turned in his test without double-checking his work as he usually did and walked outside to get a snack from the Kampus Kitchen out of habit. He wasn’t hungry, but he bought an apple anyway, sat at a table, and stared off into space. “You finished early.” The voice startled him back into the here and now. He looked up to see classmate he knew, but couldn’t remember his name. “Hey, yeah… I…” At a loss for even casual conversation, Abacus just crunched into his apple, but it was over ripe and tasteless. Nevertheless, he swallowed what he had bitten off and took another bite. “Hey, you don’t look so good, are you feeling alright?” His classmate inquired sounding genuinely concerned. Abacus lacked the imagination or the energy invent an answer. He had to settle with a half-truth. “Uhh, it’s just… mare problems.” “Oh… Did you break up with your fillyfriend?” “Yeah.” Abacus responded, staring at a mark on the table, hoping the subject would drop. “Ohhh… Well, I know it sucks right now, but trust me, life goes on.” He put a hoof on Abacus’ shoulder. Abacus was sure that the action was meant to be consoling or reassuring, but it only made him think about the one he left back at his apartment. She had nopony there to comfort her. She was probably staring out into space. Feeling lost and broken. Friendless. “Yeah, life goes on.” Even when we wish it wouldn’t. As his classmate related some anecdote, Abacus took another bite of his apple. Mechanically biting, chewing, and then swallowing without appetite or thought until he became aware that his classmate had stopped talking and that he had asked a question. “Um, I’m sorry, what did you say?” “I asked you if that was a good apple.” He just now realized that he had eaten the whole thing, including the core. “No, it was terrible, but it’s exactly what I need right now.” Abacus looked over at his classmate. His memory clicked. Ticker Tape: His name was Ticker Tape. “I have you in another class today, right?” “Yeah, Statistics, after lunch.” “Right.” Abacus stood. “Can you tell me then what the homework is for this class? I’m leaving.” Ticker Tape nodded slowly, still looking concerned. Abacus didn’t hesitate and turned to go back to class to get his stuff. The thought of Ditzy alone and suffering was torturing him. Although he knew he couldn’t make it right, he could at least… He slowed from a trot to a walk as he contemplated his actions. Nothing he thought of seemed good. Indeed, every option he considered seemed to involve more pain. He stopped at the door to his class, thinking again about his course. The door opened to let three more students out just as he began to go into another thousand yard stare. Snapping back into awareness, he trotted inside before the door closed, collected his things, and was back out at a canter. Movement was keeping him from sinking into the abyss of depression. He had to keep moving, and although he realized he couldn’t do anything to stop the pain he had caused Ditzy, he could at least BE there for her. Nopony should ever be alone. Especially when they’re hurting. Ditzy walked out of the bathroom freshly bathed again, but now with her mane done and her jaw set. She had made up her mind and had decided she was not going to be in the way of Abacus and Golden anymore. In order to do that, she had to leave. But first…she went and stripped the bed of the stained fitted mattress cover, suppressing another round of nausea as she did so. Then she filled the kitchen sink with hot water and attacked the stain with soap and a stiff bristle brush she had found in the cabinet under the sink. The stain yeilded to her unrelenting assault, and when she had finished scrubbing, the area that had been stained was now noticeably lighter than the rest of the mattress cover. She nodded once in satisfaction, and wrung out as much water as she could and then remade the bed, leaving the bed sheet and quilt folded back in thirds to allow the mattress cover to dry. Now there was only one thing left for her to do. She found a pad of paper and a pen, scribbled a short note, and left it on the kitchen counter. As she threw the saddlebacks on her back and cinched the strap tightly with her teeth, the finality of her actions were starting to chip away at her resolve. Now she lifted her backpack and held it in place between her wings, all the while fighting her second thoughts and misgivings. More straps were gripped with her teeth and pulled taut. She had suffered a rough landing once when her backpack had shifted and prevented her left wing from flapping. Her activity of loading up with all her packs steeled her determination and reminded her that she had made her decision and the time for her internal arguments was over! One last tug and she was done! She was ready to go. She walked to the door, unlocked and opened it, and then stepped through. Once outside his apartment, she drew in a breath like she had hoped to fill her entire body with air. This was going to be the hardest part. She would most likely never see Abacus or Golden again, and she wanted to leave with a good memory. While holding the door with her hoof to block her view of the bed, she turned and faced the room, and the memories replayed in her mind like sentimental childhood song. There, on the breakfast bar, she could see the cake Abacus and Golden had made for her to welcome her when she came first came to Manehattan. And there on the floor was that cushiony rug. There they had played Abacus’ card games numerous times. That same rug also served as the table for dozens of pizzas consumed over the year. She remembered the time when they surprised her and held her down so that they could give her a double razzberry on her belly to celebrate her getting her first job. That was the first time she had laughed so hard, she had peed herself...and that rug. Abacus and Golden had both insisted on cleaning up after that, and they had seemed so happy for her even as they did. There on the couch, they had laughed, but they had also comforted her on that terrible day when it seemed like she would never stop sobbing. On the ceiling was the fan she had installed, and underneath it she saw them kissing passionately. They looked so beautiful. Ditzy swallowed painfully. She had her good memories, she could leave now. “Goodbye, Abacus. Goodbye…” Ditzy hesitated, it didn’t feel right for her to call Golden by her knickname, not after she had betrayed her. “Goodbye, Golden Sweet. It was fun while it lasted. With that, she pulled the door shut and checked to make sure it was latched and locked. Then she walked down the hall to the stairs. She didn’t look back.