I pulled on the handle of the stainless steel door, yet once again, it wouldn’t budge. Sighing I turned to my right, continuing down the long, colorless hallway. All I wanted was a little release from the pain, just a little something to distract me from the bitter memories that had come to grow in my heart.
My name is Twilight Sparkle and I travel around with some mad pony who lives in a big blue box. We’ve been on hundreds of adventures and done all sorts of incredible things. I’ve helped him save not just my world, but other ponies worlds a dozen times over. It’s never boring here, always something to do, something new to see and explore. What’s more, he’s smart, with wisdom beyond even the princesses' years. There are times when I look at him and I wonder if he really is just another pony. If maybe he’s something more, something greater that can never be explained. On occasion, the thought pops into my head as to whether he even needs this box of his. As though perhaps it’s just for show and really he only keeps it because we wouldn’t be able to grasp the true concept of his powers otherwise, being such simple creatures in comparison.
Of course there are other times when I look at him, and he seems so old and fragile and then I wonder how he manages to keep going. How he does the things he does without going completely mad. I want to comfort him whenever he looks hurt, but I know I don’t have the right. I’m sure that whenever he looks at us he sees nothing but children, if that. So as one of those children, to think of him as some crazy old pony, I guess in a way it makes sense.
Sometimes when he gets like that I catch him muttering to himself. He says all sorts of strange things, big long numbers, names of planets, dates and times. I’ve even heard him say my name before always followed by something like ‘one day too’ or ‘in the end’. I always just pretend I can’t hear him, though I’m sure he knows I can. He’s the kind of stallion who tends to know everything and if he runs into something he doesn’t, that’s normally a dangerously bad sign.
All that considered though I truly do have fun traveling with him… except on certain days. The days when the Doctor sleeps. They’re rare, but they’re heavy. Because when he sleeps, I’m left all alone inside this big blue box. I’m left to my own thoughts, my own ideas. I end up thinking about everything I’ve done, everything I’ll grow to do. And of course once I get thinking I end up thinking about all the lives I’ve seen lost while at the Doctors side. His enemies have told me many times that death and destruction follow him everywhere he goes. But it’s not his fault, not most of the time anyways. All he ever really does is try to save ponies lives. But he can’t always do it. He can’t always save everyone. In fact, I can’t think of a single time I’ve traveled with him that he did.
The hardest part of it all is now that I’m traveling with him, that means all those deaths are partly mine to blame as well, or at least, that's how I feel. That thought has… kept me up for more than a few nights. I remember once I didn’t sleep for nearly a week after one of our adventures. Eventually the Doctor forced me to sit down and talk to him. I remember crying so hard into his chest, begging him to tell me how to make the pain go away. The answer I got was harsh and cruel, but I could tell it was the truth. “It never does.” he told me. Of course that only made me cry harder.
Today was one of those days, where the Doctor was asleep and I was left alone to wander, both metaphorically and literally. He’s told me several times to be careful when traveling through the TARDIS, but I just can’t help it during times like this. Opening up the different doors and examining the wonders inside help ease my aching heart by making my mind race instead.
Unfortunately, things haven’t quite been going that way for me. I don’t know why but ever since I woke up and started walking around I haven’t been able to open the doors. Well all except for a few and each one I passed through led me to a new room or hallway which again would have only one door I could walk through. I even tried to go back to my room earlier, but found I was locked out. The Doctor had told me that the TARDIS was alive before. I have to say the idea of a time machine, or any machine for that matter, being alive was something I found hard to swallow though I have to admit, traveling with the Doctor has made it seem far more realistic than it had before. Perhaps if it was true, then the TARDIS was just trying to lead me somewhere.
I kept walking, my hooves making harsh tapping sounds as they touched the metal floor. I’d tried all of the doors on this hallway except for one and was exhausted from walking for the past hour and a half. As I reached up I started to think I should have just stayed in bed, of course if the TARDIS really was alive, I have a feeling that wouldn’t have helped any. Whatever I was being led to, the TARDIS was going to make me see, regardless of whether I wanted to or not.
Sighing I pulled the metal handle down and gave a gentle push. I yelped as I covered my eyes from the sudden light. The usually chill air suddenly being outdone by a blast of heat from inside the room. I took a few tentative steps forward in my blinded state, gasping as my hoof touched something soft and wet, rather than the hard metal I had grown accustomed to.
When my eyes finally adjusted I got the first glimpse of the room I had entered, and my jaw dropped to the ground. I found myself staring up at a beautiful blue sky dotted with random clouds of all sorts of exotic shapes. A dazzling yellow sun filled everything with light.
I thought it was gorgeous… until I looked down. I placed my right hoof over my mouth, as the sight in front of me began to register in my head. It was still quite gorgeous, but in the silent sad way. A massive field stretched out before me, green grass kept cut at the perfect height growing from the ground. It stretched as far as I could see with no ending in sight.
And in this field, aligned in perfect straight rows, were more gravestones than there were stars in the sky. I started to walk, my hooves moving automatically as I looked around. Massive holographic screens hovered above different areas in the field. Each one displayed a planet with a constantly scrolling list of names and dates. I looked at the graves themselves and gasped. Each one was different, no two were the same, and every single one was decorated. Sometimes by toys, other times by piles of gold, and others still by books or movies or some other strange assortment.
There was one thing that caught my eye more than anything else, and I quickly realized that was what I was walking towards. A massive pavilion made of white marble stood dead in the center of the field. Columns of the polished white stone formed together to create giant gates each adorned at the top by a small metal bowl from which spurt flames that flickered all sorts of different shades and hues, like someone had taken Celestias mane, split it up, and lit it ablaze.
I walked up the stone steps that led into the pavillion, stopping dead in my tracks as I looked around. From the outside you could see through the gates fine, but when you got close all you could see were pictures moving across the holographic screens like slideshows. Under each and every gate was a tomb sitting at the base of an all too tall headstone. Just like all the others each one was different, unique, and carefully decorated.
I read some of the names and watched some of the screens before realizing I knew most of the names on these tombs. Susan Foreman, Rose Tyler, Amy Pond, Sarah Jane Smith. These were all names I had heard whispers about, be they from the Doctors enemies or the Doctor himself, and while I never heard any specific details on them I certainly knew enough to realize what this place was. This was a burial ground specially made for the Doctors companions.
I continued to look around, watching the screens and reading the names as I inspected grave after grave. Finally I came to the last one. I was confused as it looked… incomplete. The holographic screen wasn’t turned on, and the flame above it’s gate wasn’t lit. I inspected it a bit closer, reading the name on the headstone, and suddenly my breath caught in my throat.
Twilight Sparkle.
I looked up to the unfinished headstone, and realized that the half carved stone was beginning to strike a startling resemblance to my cutie mark. I took a few steps back as I tried to wrap my head around this. This whole place was a graveyard, but was it all for his companions? Did this many people travel with him? And if so, why did the ones here in this pavilion get such special treatment? Did that mean the Doctor had feelings for me that he didn’t have for so many others? Ideas and theories whirled around in my head like a hurricane as I tried to piece everything together. It was so much to take in that I started to get a headache.
“Just what IS this place?” I whispered to myself.
“Well obviously it’s a cemetery.” I screamed, turning around to find the Doctor standing there with a broken smile. I took a few steps back in surprise, accidentally knocking into my own grave.
“Doctor,” I said, as I tried to find the right words to explain myself. “Doctor I’m sorry, I know you told me not to wander the Tardis but I didn’t have a choice. I left my room for just a little while and then I was locked out and I kept wandering the halls but then only certain doors would open and they all led me here and-” he held up his hoof and closed his eyes.
“I know Twilight, it’s alright. She does like to do things like this from time to time. The TARDIS that is.” I looked down nervously as he continued to stare at me in silence. It hurt to look at him because right now I didn’t see the powerful stallion who could take on entire armies. Instead it was the crazy old coot who could break with a touch. I hated seeing him like that…
Finally he broke the silence. “You know how I destroyed my own race, don’t you Twilight?” I looked up at him and cringed a little. There he was, still smiling that hollow empty smile. I nodded my head as I rubbed my hoof awkwardly on the ground. “You know what the hardest part about that day was?”
“No Doctor… I can’t even begin to imagine.”
He gave a sad laugh. “The children. The one thought that ripped at my mind that day, was just how many children would have to die. How many innocent little boys and girls would have to perish to save the entire universe from total annihilation. Would you like to know?”
A lump caught in my throat. I had never even considered that. All the adventures I’d had with the Doctor, and all I could ever concentrate on were how many lives were lost because I wasn’t fast enough. Never once did I dare to imagine that some of them might be children… suddenly I felt selfish. I nodded my head weakly.
“Two point four seven billion, that’s how many. I spent nearly a century digging through all the records I could, learning the names of every single child on my home planet. That Twilight, is how all of this started.” I watched as he raised his fore hooves in the air as he said ‘this’, gesturing to the entirety of the room.
“What… exactly IS this place Doctor?”
“It’s exactly what I said it was Twilight, a cemetery. Here I have erected a monument for every life that’s ever been lost because of me, good or bad. Over the past two thousand years I’ve been alive, I’ve made sure to learn the names of every single person to ever perish on account of me. I studied them, learned their likes and dislikes, who their family members were, what they stood for and believed in, everything I could. And then one by one, I fashioned each of them a grave completely unique and tailored to their particular taste. Would you like to know how many there are Twilight?” I nodded my head once more.
“Three hundred twenty seven trillion seven hundred eighty one billion six hundred twenty six million two hundred forty nine thousand seven hundred and eight.”
“Does that include mine?” I asked sheepishly. I was a little curious, but mostly I just wanted to ease the tension. He chuckled and I still felt just as awkward, only now I also felt like a complete idiot.
“No Twilight. Not yet.”
“Speaking of which Doctor, why are you making one for me anyways? I mean I haven’t died yet. At least, I hope I haven’t.”
“No Twilight, you’re not dead. But you will be.”
“Okay, ignoring how creepy that sounds, what do you mean Doctor?”
“Twilight I’m over two thousand years old and you’re the most intelligent mare I’ve ever met in my life, surely just from knowing that alone you realize that you can’t travel with me forever.” I felt a sharp pang go through my chest. Of course I knew. You’d have to be a complete idiot not to realize that. Assuming I never died or got lost on any of his journeys, I had to live with the fact that one day, maybe not today, maybe not even a month or year from now, but one day the Doctor would drop me off in front of the library, and I’d never see him again. I knew it, but I tried not to think about it. It hurt too much to think about…
“Of course. I just…”
“Don’t like to think about it?” He laughed a little as he said it. I looked down and gave him a slight nod. “You’re not the first to say that, Twilight. Probably won’t be the last either…” His smile finally withered away as he looked towards the sky.
"But Doctor, you're a time traveler. I mean, can't you see me whenever you want?" He smiled that sad smile of his again.
"You'd think that yes. But no, I can't. Remember Twilight I can't cross my own timestream. Even if I were to use the TARDIS to zip me back to any day or moment of your life whenever I wanted to see you I wouldn't be able to do that forever because a time would inevitably come when... well... when I ran out of days to visit. And what do I do then? When I can no longer be at your side simply because eternity demands it? When I've seen the entirety of who you are from start to finish. No. It's so much easier to let you live your life on your own without me. That way I can keep all those days in reserve for when I TRULY need you, rather than when I just happen to miss you."
“Doctor, I have a question.” He looked at me curiously. “Why exactly… do you bring us with you? Your companions that is.” His eyes grew a little wide at that. I guess he hadn’t been expecting that question.
“Why? Well there’s a myriad of reasons. Although if I were to be completely honest, I’d say it’s because I’m lonely. I travel all over the universe, see all that I can see. Save as many lives as I can, whenever I can and while that’s all well and good… it doesn’t mean much when you can’t share it with anypony, and well… to tell you the truth, I just don’t think I could do it on my own.”
“You mean… the memories?” I shuddered as I suddenly recalled the faces of people I had failed to protect. I quickly became so lost inside my own mind I almost didn’t notice the Doctor walk up and wrap me in a hug.
“Yes Twilight, the memories.” He let go of me, smiling gently as he stroked my mane. It was only then I realized I had started crying.
“So then, is this how you deal with the memories?”
“Hm?”
I wiped some of my tears away before asking again. “This cemetery, is this how you try to make up for it? Is this how you make up for all the lives lost? By giving them the most beautiful resting place that you possibly can?”
I was surprised when the Doctor started laughing. Not the sad laughing he’d been doing this whole time, but true jolly laughter filled with mirth. I stared at him like he had gone mad. Then again maybe he always was and I was too busy being amazed by everything he showed me to notice.
Finally he calmed down, a big grin on his face. He gave my head a quick rub, messing up my mane before he spoke again. “No Twilight. This is just what anypony deserves. THIS is how I repent.” He said. I looked at him confused. All he was doing was standing there, smiling like an idiot. I looked around to see if maybe something was going to come out of the ground or ceiling but saw nothing.
“Uh, Doctor, you’re not doing anything.”
“Yes I am.” I stared at him silently for a few more seconds.
“Um… no you’re not.”
“Look at me closely Twilight, because I promise you I am.” I tried. Honestly I did. But all he was doing was standing there. I stared at him like that for a few long minutes before giving up.
“Doctor I don’t get it. What are you doing?”
“This.” He said as he placed his hooves on my cheeks, gently pushing up so that my mouth was forced into a smile. “This is what I do Twilight. I smile. I smile, I laugh, I dance and sometimes I even sing. I go out of my way to see every wonder that I can, to create as many happy memories as possible, and save all the lives that are within my power to save. I smile to make up for all the smiles I’ve taken away. I live for all the experiences those people and ponies will never get to have. And I do it all with the help of some good friends and a big blue box.”
He pulled me into his chest, stroking my mane as I gave some thought to what he said. I mulled over it for quite a while and ever so slowly I allowed it to sink in. As I came to realize the full weight of his words, I couldn’t help but smile. And for the first of what would come to be many, many times, I wasn’t just smiling for myself.
Reluctantly I pulled away from the Doctor, that smile still plastered to my face, and turned to look at the grave he was making for me. I placed my hoof on my muzzle and eyed it up and down with a critical look before sighing.
“Come on Doctor, we’ve got to get to the control room.” I looked back at him as he raised one of his eyebrows curiously. I giggled as I turned around completely to face him and pointed my hoof over my shoulder at my future tomb. “Doctor, I’m thankful for the effort, but frankly, this is hideous. If you’re going to build me a tomb, you can at least let me help you get it right! Come on Doctor, we’ve got some designing to do.” I said laughing.
He smiled back at me. “By all means Twilight, lead the way!”
I started walking down the steps of the pavilion before stopping suddenly and looking back at him. I had always wanted to be the one to say this. I looked him dead in the eye as I said “Onwards and upwards!” before taking off and leaving the room, the Doctor right behind me.