It was humanity's darkest hour. President Walters, of the united States, and its second black president, elected for his foul mouth and his liberal love of guns, stared gloomily at the magical purple barrier. Ever since the ponies had appeared, the thing had only advanced. When it was made clear that they meant harm, and that Celestia was the most horrible person since Hitler, the governments of Earth had agreed on one thing: they were going to fuck. That bitch. Up.
Secret weapon projects had been put into motion, but it was all for naught- human technology simply couldn't cross the barrier. President Walters sighed. He didn't want to have to do this, but it was time. He picked up the gun, putting it in his mouth.
Just then, a knight dressed in a white tabard and a bucket-shaped helmet came tumbling in from a bright yellow portal in the air. He stumbled around, before focusing on the shocked President Walters. "Oh, my word. PRAISE THE SUN!" It posed in an awesome way, hands upstretched. Walters stared at him.
"Who the hell are you?" The knight tipped his head.
"The name is Solaire of Astora, Knight of Sunlight, adherent to Lord Gwyn. And you are?"
President Walters regained his composure. "My name is President Walters, of the United States. Now, how did you get in here?"
"I teleported." The man said it so simply that Walters almost believed him.
President Walters chuckled. "Yeah, I'm just hallucinating now, ain't I?"
"You're not hallucinating, we're really here." President Walters whipped around, to see a figure like Metal Darth Vader just standing there, idly looking at the desk. "This is a lot smaller than the news reports told me it was, huh."
"Who are you?"
"Darth Vulcan. I already heard."
"SEMPAI, WE'RE HOME!"
"We're not home, we're in America."
President Walters just stared at the men who'd appeared out of nowhere. "How... what... who..."
The orange masked figure turned to President Walters. "HI! Name's Tobi, and my tall friend here is Yoshimitsu."
"Pleased to meet you, Mr President."
Walters stumbled for words.
"We're back home, Victoria..."
"It's unbelievable, I know..."
Now there were women wearing skull masks walking around like they owned the damn place. Well, he was going completely crazy. he laughed, before pressing his panic button. Security would be here within mere moments.
"Hi there." He turned around, to a grinning mouth filled with sharp teeth, in a dark grey face with glowing yellow eyes. He shat himself and jumped backwards. Finally, the CIA broke in-
Well, they were thrown in.
"FUCKING BITCHES, LEARN YOUR PLACE!" A twelve foot tall demon barged in, with a five foot five suit of armour following suit.
Did you really have to do that, U'zuhl?"
"I do whatever I damn well want! I'm the Skulltaker, damnit!"
President Walters now pissed himself. He then tried to get some grip on the situation. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?"
"Merely humans, or, rather, were human." He turned to the teenager in a steampunk suit, idly toying with a pocket watch. He glared at this newest arrival. He was going completely out of his gourd, wasn't he?
"Hello." A masked man waved at him. Another man, wearing a skull mask and a hood, dropped from the ceiling and stalked away from the group. A fat man popped behind him, grinning as he ate the Presidents bagel.
"You have no idea how long it's been since I've had a bagel."
Finally, an evil sorcerer and a blond man in a black suit appeared in a flash of black flames. They brushed soot off of their shoulders. The wizard was the one to speak, while the blonde man kept to the shadows. "Alright, now we're back! We can forget about Equestria, and live like kings!" There was a general cheer about the room. President Walters shook his head.
"You've been to Equestria?" As one, they nodded. He grinned.
"Oh, that's good! Really, really good! Now," here he got crafty, "have you heard of the Tyrant Sun?"
None of them answered. Finally, Solaire stepped forwards. "We're from fourteen different Equestrias, so no, we haven't."
"Different... Equestrias?" This development threw Walters considerably.
Solaire nodded. "You see, it's commonly accepted multiverse theory. There're literally billions of different Equestria's out there. We just got fourteen different ones, that's all."
"Right... now then, do you know about our situation at all?"
The man in the suit pointed out of the window. "Does it have something to do with the magical-ass barrier thing over yonder?"
"Yes. It's The Barrier. No human or anything human made can cross the barrier. And it's growing. Not even human pollution is spared."
Malideus shook his head. "Is that the best name you could come up with? Wow, you're a moron. The Barrier! Why not call it something else, like... The Eradicator! Something that sounds cool!"
President Walters pinched his nose. Something was off here... "How old are you under that mask?"
Malideus nodded. "Eighteen."
Darth Vulcan flipped his visor up, displaying a pimply face with glowing eyes. "Sixteen."
"Twenty-five." Tobi and Yoshimitsu chorused.
The man in the suit brushed his suit off. "Twenty-one."
"We can't remember." The twins chorused in unision.
"Over two thousand years old." The masked man replied.
The armour simply said, One thousand and five hundred years old.
The gargantuan demon boomed in its echoing voice, "Twenty."
President Walters' mouth flew open. How could people so young and old be in the same group? Unthinkable.
Suddenly, they all stood up straighter. "Right, where's Celestia? She can probably stop this."
President Walters shook his head. "No. She's the one behind it all."
"WHAT?!" They yelled in unison, damn near deafening him.
"Yeah. A couple of years ago, Equestria appears, and the ponies are all friendly and stuff. Wasn't until the barrier started spreading that their true intentions were revealed. Celestia wants to exterminate the human race by turning them into Newfoals!"
The masked man waved his hands. "Whoa, back up. What the hell are 'Newfoals?"
President Walters turned to the window in order to be dramatic. "Basically, the ponies have this potion. They throw it at you, you become a pony. But you're shackled, in soul and mind. No violent thoughts, nothing useful, just praise Celestia as the best thing since, sliced bread and democracy. "
Tobi squinted at him. "Are you quoting somebody, yank?"
"...yes."
Solaire nodded. "Very well! Let us engage in jolly co-operation!"
"Yeah. I mean, hell, we've beaten Celestia before, this'll be a cakewalk with all sixteen of us."
At this, something snapped in Walters. "YOU THINK THAT THIS IS LIKE A MUTHER-FUCKING GAME?! The Tyrant Sun will turn you into mutherfucking ashes before you can get a mutherfucking bitch mutherfucking word out of your cock-eating mouths!"
"...wow, are you related to Samuel L. Jackson by any chance?"
"No, I'm not." Something about that last statement struck him. "Hang on... you're saying that you can beat Celestia?"
Malideus thumbed him up, leaning on his staff. "If it has an ass, we can kick it."
"But how will you get past the barrier?"
Tobi and Yoshimitsu grinned. "Since we've been to Equestria before, it's pretty obvious that we can cross the barrier. Now, what do you want us to do, exactly?"
President Walters grinned darkly. "If you're as good as you say you are, then I want you to go to Equestria, free the Newfoals, cover the place in fucking marijuana, and stick your cock into the Tyrant Sun's butt. And take pictures as well."
"Okay." With a flash of yellow light, they were gone. President Walters blinked.
"...wait, I didn't actually mean that."
Later, in Equestria:
Solaire teleported into a Re-Education camp, with an explosion of light and sound, being the awesome guy that he was.
"Humanity for EVERYBODY!" Before the unicorn guards could react to him, he threw Humanity everywhere. The Newfoals, not sure what to make of this sudden development, just let the Humanity crystals touch them. A couple of minutes later, they were humans.
"How are we even alive right now?"
"Who cares? These gay-ass candy niggers don't have weapons!" An uptight business man yelled, grabbing a guard and strangling him with his bare hands. The rest of the humans followed suit, not caring about being naked in Equestria.
Solaire smiled. A couple of unicorns tried to attack, but with a wave of his staff, Humanity crystals sprouted in them. Over their screams, he took a picture with an Equestrian camera. "That'll teach him to ask us to do the impossible."
The Royal Guard army centres were the most secure areas in the whole of Equestria, particularly where Spike the dragon was imprisoned. Spike was chained up, subject to unimaginable tortures. He cracked an eye open when he saw his door just open from sheer brute force. A young human in a top hat, along with hhis companion, a human male in a skull mask, stared at the huge dragon.
"Wow, that took a lot of explosives. You okay big fella? Wait, that's a stupid question, of course you're not alright." He turned to the shadows. "Alright, let's get this big ol' dragon outta here. Every pony here's either dead or converted to a human, so we're going pretty good." Spike shut his eyes. Right, obviously hallucinating again.
Abyss looked around her. The very few ponies who weren't human were now converted to chunky meat salsa on the walls. She grinned, teeth bloody. "Take that, you fucking hypocrites." Corvo nodded, wiping his blades clean. One pony was still alive, and tried to scamper off, but a flaming skull attack blew his head completely off. "Those who try to claim perfection are little more than trash. We've committed war crimes, true. But at least we know that we've done war crimes."
Tobi and Yoshimitsu took their photos, then high-fived. The entirety of the Equestrian plains were covered in marijuana. Beneath them, the plants were soaking in the blood of several platoons of the Royal Guard. It would make wonderful fertiliser for generations to come.
"What say we do our civic duty and dispose of this grass later?"
"That sounds like an awesome idea sempai!"
"Later bro. We still have to kill Uber-bitch herself."
"Aw, Jizz-wazard."
The Choten watched impassively as the summoned eels tore apart ponies in a glorious dance of death. Beside him, Jack of Blades had found a Royal Guard.
"Hey, Choten. How long do you think a pony can live without skin?" Without waiting for an answer, he flicked his sword expertly, and the now skinless pony was released, to crawl away and spread his blood everywhere. Jack then threw his sword at the pony's hind hoof, causing a spray of blood that pleased him immensely. "That's right, you fucking asshole. I bet you threw a lot of potions at the human race, huh? Huh? Hiding behind this barrier like the bitches you fucking are. Well, humanity's here, and we're kicking ass and taking names!"
The Grim Sisters looked at the scorched landscape. Once, it was known as 'Manehatten.' Now, it was known as a wasteland.
"Sister?"
"Yes?"
Victoria gripped her shadowy bow tighter. "I thought I hated ponies. I was wrong. NOW I hate them."
She loosed a stream of arrows into a guard, until you couldn't even see his flesh anymore, just saw the blood seeping out. "What I felt before was mild dislike."
"You know something?" Elizabeth rubbed her chin. On either side of her, there were several members of the guard, struggling, slowly cooked alive by her ember magic.
"I feel the same way."
U'Zuhl only knew the hunt now. It was in his blood. A puny unicorn mage was torn apart. Guards in armour threw spears at him that bounced off of his mighty flesh. He gripped them, tearing off their heads.
"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!"
Behind him, a mountain of pony corpses grew higher and higher as he sacrificed them to his dark god.
Dullahan and the Fat Friar watched impassively as the massive storm they'd conjured swept the land.
"Let air cleanse from this land the sins of Celestia."
If that doesn't work, then let water finish the job.
With a wave of their weapons, the tidal waves off the coast rose higher and higher, before collapsing on the towns. The Newfoals had been spared. The regular ponies... not so much.
"Be consigned to Davy Jones' locker."
And if you're not dead, then this will definitely kill you. Element Swap, Venus! DEVASTATION!
With that, the earth around the towns crumbled, destroying them entirely.
"Ah, but we can't risk Celestia retrieving any crops." With a wave of his staff, the fields were set ablaze with brown fire.
Darth Vulcan and Malideus looked over their troops. Malideus leaned on his staff. "Man, I think that it's time we fucked the Tyrant Bitch in the asshole."
"Agreed."
Queen Celestia trembled with rage as she looked at the reports. Humans invading the barrier? Subverting her power? Freeing the traitor dragon Spike? KILLING HER PONIES?
Theywereyours.
Nottheirstokill.
Killthemandtaketheirpower.
Celestia nodded. Donning the Bag of Tirek, she prepared to devastate the human scum. How DARE they even think of resisting?! Ponykind was perfection itself! It was-
Suddenly, she felt the presence of immense magic. Her eyes shot open as she felt the waves of power crash into her like a typhoon. This power... it was as if they were alicorns themselves! She grinned, irises shrinking. But this was some sort of trick, as mere humans couldn't match the perfection that was ponykind, for they were nothing but stinking apes! She'd destroy them, then display their corpses in front of those miserable humans who still tried to resist Harmony.
She flew out gracefully, landing there. There were a mere thirteen beings here? How utterly pathetic.
"So, you've attacked us. Haven't you proven my point already?" The one dressed as an evil sorceror shook his head.
"No, you stupid cunt, we are retaliating against your forced brainwashing."
"Forced?" She adopted a hurt expression. "It is only what is best for your species. You don't have the magic of a unicorn-"
"Actually, we have magic right now, otherwise we'd be puddles of goop right now."
She glared at him. "You can't fly-"
"Why would we need to fly when we have magic?"
"AND YOU ARE NOT AS STRONG AS ANY EARTH PONY?!"
Humans had pushed her to her breaking point. Therefore, it was the humans' fault, as ponies were superior and humans were inferior. The two women who'd been commenting on it didn't seem fazed at all. She'd stop that. She flared her horn, intent on transmuting them all to ashes with the intense heat of the sun-
Suddenly, a knife was flung through her neck. It barely fazed her on the surface, but on the inside she was screaming in shock. Her spell was disrupted, and she lost her focus, allowing a sword to neatly sever her wings.
HOW?!
HOW COULD AN APE SURPRISE A GOD?!
"HA!" She turned around, to the mysterious intruder, who waved at her cheekily. "Hiya! Sorry we were late, but we had to deal with your little honour guard. Purple Smart, Bubba, Pinkie, Dyke, Fabulous and What's-her-face."
The demonic creature behind him explained. "You see, we wanted to avoid a corrupted use of the Elements of Harmony on your orders. So, we slipped a Humanity crystal into their food. Right now, they're buck naked and tied to the rooftops. Funny thing is, they're all begging to be killed. Something about 'mind-control?' You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"
KILLTHEMALL
THEYTHREATENHARMONY
KILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILL
SKULLFUCKTHEIRCORPSES
LEAVENOSURVIVORS
DESTROYTHEFILTHYAPES.
"SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!"
A huge, twelve-foot tall demon appeared from the sky near the orange-masked lunatic. "Oh, I forgot to mention. This guy's practically unkillable." She glared at him.
"I DON'T CARE! BOW BEFORE ME, FILTHY HUMANS! I AM A GODDESS, AND YOU SHOULD KISS THE GROUND I WALK ON-"
The demon grabbed her tail, and slammed her into the pavement several times. It then spat on her dazed body. 'Puny god."
When she got up, the one in black armour clobbered her to the ground and started punching her in the face.
"YOU STINKING BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS IF I HAVE TO!" She tried to summon a spell, but a wayward punch to her horn sent her gasping in unexpected pain.
He was torn off by the sorceror.
"Let others have a turn, dude! Seriously."
He picked up his staff, and waved it. Pillars of earth surrounded the Princess, and the black armoured one summoned a rubber ball into existence around her horn, thus cancelling out all of her magic. Malideus then extended his hands, clasping them in prayer.
"Now, before I do this, let me say the Pimp's Prayer: Oh, Lord, pray for the soul of this bitch, and guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord, so that this ho might learn a ho's place. Amen."
"Amen."
Malideus reared back, and his pimp hand gathered power, until it seemed to take up the entire universe. The resulting pimp slap was so awesome, so powerful, that the ground shook, and all across Earth, hos everywhere felt its force, slamming them into walls willy-nilly.
Solaire stepped forwards. "Guys, I have an idea. How about an ironic punishment?"
Tobi and Yoshimitsu nodded. "Yep, irony sounds pretty good."
Corvo nodded. "No problems on my end. Do it."
Solaire nodded. As Celestia looked at him through a haze of pain, he threw a Humanity crystal in her face. Before the transformation, though, he took a picture. "Well, I think that we won this bet, guys. Who's up for donuts?"
"YEAH!"
Later, back on Earth:
President Walters looked through the photos. "Holy shit." He looked up at the conquering heroes. "You motherfuckers actually did it. Thanks to you, Earth is saved-"
"Actually, about that? Well, me and the guys have been talking, and well," here Darth Vulcan cracked his knuckles, "you're not saved, so much as under new management."
President Walters stared at them. "Fuck."
Later:
"So let me get this straight." Marcus looked at the giant statue of fourteen humans, a demon and a suit of armour.
"The world is under the control of of tame fascists, at least two of which are teenagers."
President Walters nodded. "Yes."
"Who are each powerful of beating Celestia."
"Oh, yes."
"Although the world leaders are still around, you're basically puppets and they run the show."
"Yeah, hard to object with people who can effortlessly blow up tanks."
"What have they done?"
President Walters pulled out a folder, entitled, Things that the League has done.
"Well, let's see... Tobi and Yoshimitsu had marijuana legalised."
Marcus raised an eyebrow.
"Solaire founded a religious order. The Sisters Grim and U'zuhl are being kept far away from people. Invention has been working on a giant robot. Dullahan and the Fat Friar have been taking a vacation."
Meanwhile, in Hawaii.
Dullahan stared at the practically naked women around him.
...I miss being alive.
The Fat Friar next to him just watched with an appreciative eye. "It's good to be back."
Back in America:
"This one known as The Choten is teaching us how to summon giant monsters to fight with. Malideus and Darth Vulcan have decided to rule the world with an iron fist. There was one called Keith, but what he's doing with his life is unknown."
Meanwhile, somewhere else in America.
"Officer, are you aware that I could blow up your head with a thought? Yes? Good, then no ticket."
Back to Marcus:
"As for Jack of Blades, he's in Mexico, with a lifetime supply of marijuana and an endless stream of hookers to keep him from murdering everything."
"Anything we can do?"
"Nothing. These clowns beat up a god, and all we can really do in this situation is hope that they don't take it into their heads to abuse their power even more."
Suddenly, Malideus burst through the wall. "Piggy-back ride now."
President Walters sighed. "I thought this wasn't for another hour." But he willingly bent over to allow Malideus to get on.
"Whoa, you can't do this."
Malideus looked at him.
"Oh, hello. You're Marcus, right? Good to see you. Here, have a medal." With that, Malideus unleashed the pimp slap that pierced the heavens. Literally; Marcus was thrown into the upper atmosphere with that pimp slap.
"And that's how Equestria was made!" Everypony looked at Pinkie Pie as if she'd just drank espresso.
"Pinkie, that was barely related to Equestria at all."