//------------------------------// // Session 1 // Story: Big Mac Goes to Therapy // by Daedalus Aegle //------------------------------// “Nice office,” Big Macintosh said, looking idly around him. “Thank you,” Time Turner, Ponyville's resident psychotherapist, said to his new patient. “How are you today, then, mister Apple?” “...Fine,” he mumbled. They were both silent, each waiting for the other to say something. Big Mac squirmed in his seat. “Ah ain't never done this before,” he said, shifting and shuffling to try to find a comfortable position in a chair that was not quite large enough for him. “That's okay,” Time Turner said. “A lot of ponies find it strange at first. A lot of ponies still think that therapy is only for ponies who are seriously mentally ill, but nothing could be further from the truth.” “Well...” Big Mac rested his gaze on a picture on the wall off to the side. “This was mah sister's idea, not mine. Ah ain't sure this is gonna do much, no offense.” “Hopefully you'll be surprised,” Turner said, smiling. He looked down at his notes. “When your sister made this appointment she said that you've been having nightmares.” “Is that all she said?” Big Mac asked, scrunching up in his chair with his forelegs crossed. “She also said she thought you'd been withdrawing from her and the rest of your family lately, and spending more of the day at work out in the orchard,” Turner replied. Big Mac gave an indignant grunt. “But what she thinks isn't important here. What you think, is.” He sat back in his seat. “Do you think you could tell me?” “Well...” Big Mac looked unsure. “Everythin' that Ah say is private, right? Won't leave this room?” “Absolutely,” Turner nodded. “Your privacy is completely safe with me.” Big Mac bit his lip, and considered this for a few tense seconds. Then he nodded, and let out his breath, as though he'd been holding it for a long time. “Alright. Well, the past few years, y'know, there's so much stuff been happenin'... after some of the things Ah've had done to me... not that Ah've had much, compared to mah sister an' her friends, mind you, the stuff they've gone through... but Ah've gotten some and Ah think it's kinda messed with mah head.” Turner nodded. “When you say 'messed with your head', how do you mean?” “Well...” Big Mac fidgeted, looking rather embarassed. “It's... Ah feel like Ah cain't, well, have feelings for mares. Y'know what, lemme just start at the beginnin'.” “The first time was with Discord,” Big Mac said, and began telling the story. “Back when everythin' was at its worst, and all o' Ponyville was just all kinds'a crazy, out at Sweet Apple Acres Ah was running around thinking Ah was a dog. Ah was digging up holes in the ground and barkin', and whatnot... And something happened that Ah ain't never gotten past...” “Do you get impulses from that time?” Turner asked. “Everypony else reported that once Discord was defeated everypony went back to normal.” “No, that aint the problem. It all went away, it's just that...” Big Mac choked up at the memory. “Promise never to tell a soul?” Turner nodded. “Pinkie promise?” Turner dutifully recited the lines and performed the gestures of the most binding oath known to Ponyville. Big Mac took a deep breath. “My sister has a dog. Winona. Real friendly, playful girl. And, when Ah was running around thinkin' Ah was a dog too... Look, Ah don't need to go into the details. It was just a couple of minutes, nopony else saw it, but even after Discord was beaten and everythin' he'd done went away, Ah can still remember,” the big stallion shuddered. “Ah aint never spoken a word of it to another living soul.” “I see,” Turner said, his professional demeanor remaining entirely uncracked. “It's entirely understandable that an event like that would make problems with getting close to mares...” His voice was soft and understanding. “You need to give yourself time, and to understand that it wasn't in any way your fault.” “Ah know that,” Big Mac said, looking down at his hooves. “An' really, after Discord was beaten everythin' would probably have gone back to normal. But then that weren't the only thing. Y'remember the Smarty Pants incident?” Turner nodded. “Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's own student, one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria, loses it and puts a spell on her old dolly that makes everypony who sees it go crazy over it. First she gives it to mah kid sister and her friends, then she gets me to try to get it away from 'em. And everythin' just goes outta control after that,” Big Mac muttered. “That was just a few weeks after Discord, and there Ah am, head over hooves for a little filly's dolly, fightin' like Ah aint done since Ah was a colt on the playground, to get every other pony in Ponyville ta give 'er up to me.” “That episode also ended with the Princess breaking the enchantment,” Turner said. “Did you feel any aftereffects from the spell? Have you still felt a need for the doll afterwards?” “...Sometimes,” Big Mac admitted with a low voice. “Ah grabbed the doll right after the Princess showed up, when everypony else was walking away, and ran home with it. Sometimes Ah... get it out from mah closet and play with it a bit, just to relax after mah work. Then Ah'd get too embarassed, and throw it in mah baby sister's room with all a' her toys, and not say anythin'... and then Ah'd sneak back in and get it again later on. Y'probably saw that photo in the Foal Free Press that time.” Big Mac clenched his jaw in anger at the memory, then quickly shook it off. “...Ah haven't really wanted to be noticed by anypony since that time. But that still wasn't the last thing. After that was Hearts and Hooves Day. Did you hear about that one?” “I'd like it if you told me about it.” “Well, as if being brainwashed by a god of chaos and a powerful unicorn weren't enough, mah own baby sister decided to join in and fed me a botched love potion to make me fall for their teacher, Miss Cheerilee. An' she drank it too, and fell for me just as much. We spent all day just spoutin' lovey-dovey nonsense at each other.” Big Mac paused, deep in thought, and continued: “That feelin', though... It wouldn't surprise me if lil' Apple Bloom really does get her cutie mark in making potions one day. That feelin' was absolute, all-consuming bliss. It was the strongest, most overpowering feelin' Ah'd ever had in mah life. Much stronger than miss Twilight's spell. If mah sister and her friends hadn't managed to break the spell, we probably woulda just sat there staring into each other's eyes forever, forgettin' to eat or drink or sleep, until we died.” Turner said nothing, but let the farm pony sit and think in silence after that. “After that... compared to that feelin'... the idea of talking to a mare, and trying to get close to somepony... well, after having mah feelings so scrambled up so many times, and mah mind played around with so often, Ah'm just not sure Ah can have regular old feelings anymore.” There was another moment of somber silence. “Ah saw there was one of them magic water cooler things outside,” Big Mac eventually said with a thin voice. “Can Ah get a cup of water?” Turner nodded. “Thanks.” A minute later Big Mac was sitting again in the chair that was just a little too small for him, looking down at a tiny paper cup in his hooves. “So this all sorta came together a couple months ago,” he said, “at the Summer Wrap-Up Festival and Hoedown. Ah had forgotten the date, and wasn't plannin' to go, but Ah needed to pick up some nails.” He shifted in the chair, leaning back. “Ah used to go to the Summer Wrap-Up every year, back when Ah was little, and had a great time. This time, though, the whole day Ah was there, Ah was just trying to get through the crowds, find the hardware store, and go home again. In the end it turned into a pretty fun day. But Ah just didn't feel comfortable.” “What made you uncomfortable?” Turner asked. “Well... there were mares there. Lots of 'em, trying to catch mah eye. Like, even one of them Wonderbolts was there. She had a crash landing right next to me, and then she spent the whole day sneakin' around, trying to get close to me, and Ah had to pretend not to notice. Princess Luna herself was there, and right when Ah was headin' to the hardware store, Ah'm standin' there in the middle of the crowd when she comes up, points directly at me and “volunteers” me to play the games with her. Kept me busy for two hours,” he stared blankly at the wall, not revealing any emotion. “Later that night she rode the ferris wheel with me, and gave me a peck on the cheek. Apparently Ah made a very funny face when she did. And there was Miss Cheerilee.” He sighed. “She... well, she gave me a hug that was just a little too close for somepony who's just a friend, and in the back of mah head Ah had to wonder what she was thinking, if it was actually her or if it was just some leftover from the love potion making her do it. An' Ah thought about that love potion again.” He stared at nothing, his eyes focusing on a point far off into the distance. “And Ah thought about how Ah didn't know if Ah was feeling anythin' at all, or what it was if it was anythin'.” He took a sip of water. “Anyway, Ah tried to not get caught up with anyone, and played some games, went on some rides, an' at the end of the night, Ah went back home, alone. It was nice. But next mornin' at breakfast, Applejack said to me that she'd been hearin' from every mare in Ponyville talkin' about me after the big bash. Said lots of 'em were askin' to try to find out why Ah wasn't takin' anypony up on their advances. She said to me that there were mares fallin' over each other to get close to me all day and night, and thought that Ah hadn't even noticed. Said even Rainbow Dash had been upset that Ah was apparently tryin' ta “steal Fleetfoot from her,” which makes all kinds a' no sense. She weren't too happy about that.” Turner nodded. “I see. Well, I definitely think that you were right not to try to force yourself into anything that you're not comfortable with.” He thought for a second. “Could it be,” he began slowly, “that you're just not into mares in general? Have you had any succesful relationships with women in the past?” “Well, mah cousin Braeburn has joked that if Ah ever decided Ah was into stallions, he knew a dozen who'd pay 'im to introduce 'em to me,” Big Mac said with a chuckle, and shook his head. “But nope. Ah did have a fillyfriend once, when Ah was young. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time. That's just natural, at that age. But then mah parents died.” He paused, briefly, before continuing. “So me and Applejack, barely more'n foals ourselves, had ta' take care of the farm, and raise little Apple Bloom, who was still in diapers back then. So Ah did all the farm work, and AJ took care of the little one, an' both of us barely had a minute's rest in a day put together, until Apple Bloom was old enough that AJ could leave her alone and help with the farm labor. In all that time Ah hardly ever set foot in Ponyville, 'cept to staff our stall on market days. So there weren't much time fer getting to know women. But in the meantime...” Big Mac fell silent again, his calm belied by the sudden coarse, growling quality of his voice that revealed the deep pool of emotion he had within him. “Well, Ah'm sure you've heard the rumours. They don't exactly help.” Turner nodded. He knew the rumours, as everypony in Ponyville knew them: that the two elder Apple siblings had an incestuous relationship. A spiteful but surprisingly popular theory to explain why the stallion, who many considered the most desirable bachelor in Ponyville, was almost never seen away from his home, and hardly ever spoke to any other mare or stallion. Turner maintained a respectfully neutral face, but inwardly he was disgusted at the malicious gossip small-town ponies could come up with. “There ain't a lick o' truth in any of em,” Big Mac said. “Y'know that, right?” Turner nodded. “I know there isn't.” “Ah don't anger easily,” the huge, muscular earth pony stallion said. “But sometimes, Ah wish Ah could crush the throat of whoever it was started that rumour between mah hooves. Not so much for me, but mah sister is the most wonderful pony in Equestria, and the thought that ponies would believe somethin' like that about her...” “It might be that nopony really believes them,” Turner suggested. “Malicious gossip travels fast, and ponies find pleasure in them, but in my experience gossip isn't really about the ponies that are named in it. It's just a rather thoughtless kind of community entertainment.” “...'yup,” Big Mac muttered. “It's just... it's been years, and the same rumours are still going 'round. The worst ones drag mah baby sister into it as well, sayin' she's secretly mine and AJ's baby. Ah don't want her hearing that stuff. She gets enough bother from bullies as it is.” A bell rang in the distance. Turner bit his lip. “I'm afraid our time is up for tonight. I'm very glad you decided to come to this appointment. I think it's very important that you try to work this out, and I definitely think talking through your experiences like this could be of help to you. If it's alright with you I'd like to schedule another appointment.” Big Mac nodded, without enthusiasm. “Ah suppose.” “In fact...” Turner began, “I would like, if it's alright with you, to have a group session with another pony who has experiences that are maybe similar to yours. I think that might be helpful. Would that be alright?” Big Mac looked very uncertain. “You don't have to answer right away,” Turner said. “You can think about it, and let me know. You wouldn't have to tell them anything that makes you uncomfortable. Think about it, okay?” “Eeyup.” “Alright, I'll see you soon.” “Eeyup.”