Cupcakes A$$ Kicking.

by thewaffler


Sweet Apple Ass Kicking, Flim Flam Vengeance and Celestia's Skateboard Justice (Edited/Fixed...wow...this early chapter had major grammar errors)

A/N: People will be maimed and if you think I maybe going too far, just remember fictional or not writing about the types of actions depicted in SAM is wrong and extremely fucked up. SAM is the fan fiction equivalent to A Serbian Film.

I am not going to go into great details about what's in the grim troll fic, because it took a lot of brain bleach to remove a lot it from my mind.

This is the chapter a lot of you have been waiting for, so without further adieu, enjoy.


It has been several weeks, since we last checked in on the ponies of Equestria, It was a bright sunny day and everything seemed wonderful, but little did anyone know disaster would befall Ponyville's "favorite" group of rascals. The three were doing what they did best and that was look for their cutie marks, but today was a slow day and the three collectively decided to check the Equestranet for ideas and they stumble across an article that looks interesting. It said Sweet Apple Massacre.

However, they read the title as Sweet Apple Mass Acres. They all had the same thought. 'Well, the farm is pretty big.' They continued reading with the look of terror in their eyes and stopped at the part where Mac rips off Scootaloo's wings. Unfortunately at the same time, the real Big Mac suddenly trotted into the room.

"Howdy girls wanna go down to Sugar Cube Corner for a snack, my treat." Mac looked at them with his trademark gentle smile, but when they look back up at him they could see was an evil deranged monster and ran out of the room with tears in their eyes and let out a shriek of fear in unison.

To say Mac was confused would be an understatement all the big gentle giant wanted to do today was give his baby sister and her friends a reward for not breaking anything this week. Mac saw that the PC was on a text file and read the story. As the minutes passed, Mac for such a calm and non-violent stallion was getting angrier by the each terribly written, mean spirited, disgusting and hurtful line. He loved his kin deeply and heck he even had a soft spot for the CMC's, so the idea of him doing anything to hurt any of those things sickened him and filled him with boiling rage. To make matters worse, it wasn't the only story of this subject matter.

Earlier this month he had heard through the grape vine, that there was a disturbance in the force that caused a bridge in dimensions. Mac just chalked it up as a bunch of hoopla.

"Ah need to teach these varmints some manners an' some discipline." Mac said in a tone seething with anger, but the first thing he had to do was find Applebloom, Sweetie Bell and Scootaloo. He had to undo the damage the fic had caused before he can even think of opening a big ol' can of whup ass.


He opened the door to Bloom's bedroom and he didn't see them, but what he did see was the bed shaking like there was something underneath of it. He bent down to find the cmc's with the look of terror in their eyes. Mac himself felt his eyes water at the scene. 'They're afraid of me, the idea that ah would ever think of doin' those things makes mah heart hurt.' Mac thought to himself before clearing his throat only to feel his voice crack as he tried to speak.

"Sugarcube, ah don't know what makes you think ah'd do those those kind of things, but ah can assure ya'll three that that was only a scary story made by someone that doesn't know me, our family or your friends. You three need to believe me when ah say that ah care about all of you and would never do anythin' like that evil Big Macinbad." Mac spoke more in these few minutes trying to console the fillies than he in the entirety of the past week. One by one Applebloom, Sweetie Bell and Scootaloo got out from under the bed and Mac being the type of guy he is wiped their tears and brought the three of them into a hug.

"Ah need to take care of a few chores, but when I get back I promise ah'll take you three out for some cake at Sugar Cube Corner and then to Bon Bon's House of Fudge."

"Big Brother, where are ya goin’?"

"Ah, gotta take care of some errands in town and I'm be back later this afternoon." Mac said while thinking of how he was gonna give those folks what they had coming to them.

The three children trotted out the door and went outside to play, bouncing back with the type of reliance that children tend to have. Mac turned around to walk back inside when he saw Applejack, whom also had an angry look plastered across her face.

"Ah take it you read the story too, ah reckon."

"Yep, Mac and ah also saw how you tried to fix things with Bloom and her friends. My only question is what in tarnation would make anypony err...ah mean anybody write somethin' like that."

"Ah think ah should go to that Doctor Whooves feller and figure out what to do next."

"Ya mean 'we' right? "

"Ah'm sorry Applejack, but ah need somepony to watch the over them. Plus ah got some ideas for how where gonna take care of some of them and ah need ya'll here to help carry them out." She was gonna argue with the large red stallion, but she knew he had a point.


Mac got to the Whooves family home and when he got there he found a note on the door.

We are out of town this week; we won't be back till this Tuesday. Sorry for the inconvenience,

Signed, The Doctor.

"Horse apples." Mac muttered before thinking of an alternate plan. 'Maybe Twilight can help me?'

Mac then made a beeline for the library and went in to talk to the purple unicorn. He told her about what happened, she knew this had to be hard on him, she knew some of these hoo-mans were deranged but that fic sounded downright disgusting and they needed more than just a series of psychological punishments.

"Mac, I can help you and I know you're angry, but just promise me you won't let your anger take things too far." Mac nodded as Twilight started getting things ready to send Mac into the hoo-man world.


Meanwhile on Earth (Sorry, I don't have a better transition for these types of scenes.)
Cops theme song starts playing(here!)

"Cops is filmed with the real men and women of law enforcement."

Back on Earth we meet a couple of cops whom let's just say were the human counterparts to two members of Ponyville.

They were on their way to a call at a local petting zoo where a man is "having relations with the zoo animals" as dispatch described it. The suspect is extremely unstable and there are families around the area.

The camera focused on the officer in the driver's seat of patrol car. "Yeah, I've been working this beat for the last seven years and officer Sparklestein over here..." The officer behind the wheel pointed to his female companion. "...have been helping keep the streets safe from criminal scum for twelve years." The words on screen displayed the officers’ names as officer Spike Thornwhip and Sergeant Twilight Sparklestein.

"We get a call like this every once in awhile, some guy gets inebriated and decides he wants to expose himself to the world."

The two pulled up to the gates of the zoo where several officers there already. The duo walked to the petting zoo area while unholstering their non-lethal arsenals. They stopped when hear grunting and what they saw was the worst disgusting thing mere mortals will ever see in their lives. I feel so sorry for that poor sheep.

That one cupcakes writer glared at the officers as they drew their weapons and stopped what he's doing. The animal scurried into the corner of the pin hooves tucked in rocking back and forth in the fetal position. "Tazers? Ha, ha. Mere electricity won't harm me for I am the rightful king of Equestria!!!" He said in a drooling, delusional rant.

"You heard the man officers. Light him up," ordered officer Spike.

"I said I can't be har-aAHHHHHHHHHHHAGHHHGAHRGHHHHHHH" he says only to be interrupted by his own yells of pain as 10,000 volts are passing into his lower extremities.

The other officers give each high fives as Sergeant Sparkstein and officer Thornwhip load the sick bastard into their patrol car...


Back in Equestria

Thirty-six minutes later Twilight had finished her teleportation departure and return spell for Mac.

"The spell will bring you back in exactly eighteen hours.”

"Eeyup."

"Any questions?"

"Eenope"

Twilight cast the spell and with a flash of light Big Macintosh was gone.


In front of the Double Deuce bar, It was a slow night so management had Dalton monitoring everything outside. The bouncer was prepared to take on everything, but nothing could prepare him for what he was about to see in the next coming minutes.

A flash of light appeared in the parking lot of the bar. Once the smoke cleared, there stood the form of a familiar red stallion.

Mac surveyed the area and saw a mode of transportation and it's rider. Mac approached a very large biker. "Ah need yer jacket and your darn here motorcycle."

"OH MY GOD, IT'S BIG MAC!!!" The biker squeed with delight as his favorite cartoon horse was there. 'This is so awesome, I'll give him the bike and report it stolen tomorrow.'

"Here take my bike and jacket. I mean how often can you say a pony just took your bike?" Mac put on the black jacket, got on the Harley, whipped out a pair of sunglasses and took off down the road. It was more awesome because George Thorogood and The Destroyers was playing on the radio.

Dalton who had just witnessed this event and transaction opened the door of the bar and yelled out to the barkeep. "Stop putting Oxycontin in the booze, god dammit!"


Mac had a list of names, some ideas of his own as well as a few ideas from Twilight Sparkle.

Mac wanted to start with the small fish in hopes of getting the big the fish scared, so he focused on a couple of spin off writers. The scenario pretty much played out like this.

*knock, knock, knock* "SAM writer?" The scrawny twerp got up to answer the door.

"Yeah, who is it and what do you want?"

"It's Mac and ah'd like to have a few words with you."

The writer got pissed, angry that someone was interrupting his alone time with Paula Palm and her five friends and answered the door. He opened the door. He saw a very angry looking stallion in front of him. "Eep!" was all he could mutter before having his face kicked in.

Mac checked his pulse. "He's still alive, now on the next targets." Mac said to himself as he moved out from the doorway in very robot manner.


The next writer had written Sweet Apple Massacre and was working on a direct sequel where Applejack and Mac both get in on the action as they proceed to mutilate and torture more foals. Mac wanted to make this punishment special, so he found the greatest bad ass and rock star on the planet to help him out.

At the time a five hundred pound man child was sitting at his computer eating a plate of fried mayonnaise balls and sweating while he ate his disgusting meal. He lived his sad little life forever alone as the boulder from Raiders of the Arc. He heard a rumbling and at first he thought it was heart trying to force blood pass the clogged arteries, but the sound was something from the outside and it was getting louder as whatever it was, was approaching fast.

CRASH!!!!!

The south wall of his bedroom exploded as a sight that no one had ever witnessed before appeared before the terrified blob. It was Ted Nugent and Big Macintosh inside Ted's Ford Bronco monster truck.

Mac got out of the back of the truck. "Thank ya kindly for the lift Mr. Nugent."

Mac looked the nerd in the eye whom at this point was clenching his chest preparing himself for the upcoming heart attack.

"Ah don't have to tell y'all why ah'm here."

"I-it w-w-was just a story." The writer tried to justify his actions.

Mac stomped on his left arm and the sound of a crack could be heard.

"That was just a broken foreleg. Now listen to me, cause ah'm only gonna say this once, if ya ever write anythin like that again..." Mac composed himself for what he was going to say next. "...an' ah will personally FEED YA, YER OWN LIMBS!!!" Mac said while giving the writer a swift kick to the ribs.

Mac looked at the writer and still reeling from controllable anger he decided this punishment wasn’t good enough. He looked back and Nugent in the truck. "Mr. Nugent ah need y'all to take this here thing to most miserable and dangerous place ya'll hoo-mans can live in, and thanks again and as ah promised ya'll can hunt one hydra in Equestria."

"No worries, Mac I know just the place." Nugent then turned to the writer. "Ay, tubby I hope you like sunny Overtown, Miami. Ha Ha Ha." Ted took off as pieces of debris fell off the truck. (A/N: Overtown and Liberty City Miami are extremely nasty areas of the city. If you've been in the city you'd know that there is tourist Miami and stabbing Miami. Seriously, parts of it look like Baghdad)


The Mac-Attack wasn't over and he still had time before the teleportation spell would bring him back home. It decided it was time to teach some more lessons.

A group of pale sickly looking nerds woke up to find themselves tied up in a warehouse with a single light overhead. Out from the shadows stepped Big Mac.

They couldn't believe their eyes.

"Ah'm usually a farmer, a friend and a brother, but right now ah am a very cross stallion that's fixin' to whup your asses for these here stories you wrote about me and mah kin. Now ya might think AJ is the only Apple that knows how to work a darn lasso, now mah work might not as fancy as hers but it'll get the job done."

"What are ya gonna do to us?" One of the writers asked as he was being shushed by the others.

"Ah was gonna kick yer asses, but ah the kind of guy that's quick to forgive, so y'all are just gonna watch a few episodes of this here show called My Little Pony..." Mac said with a smirk the stallion had done a little research about his enemy. "...generation three and three point five and the bunch of yall can watch this for the next seventy-two hours."

"Please have mercy, Mac." One of the writers cried out in fear as the the others shared his opinion.

"Yer god has mercy, ah don't. Good bye." Mac stepped out of the warehouse. Just as he closed the door you could hear G3.5 Scootaloo's shrill voice.

Mac trotted towards a garbage can and inside was a guy who wrote a really disturbing sequel to Sweet Apple Massacre set in Appleloosa. Mac had special plans for him.


Back in Equestria, deep in the Everfree forest Mac lugged the unconscious writer towards the river. Mac called forth to its resident that lived nearby.

"Steve, ah got someone to keep y'all company."

"Heeeeeelloooo, what have you got there." Steve Magnet the flaming river serpent announced his presence. Mac knew Steve from his apple deliveries. 'Nice guy, but a little too talkative and touchy feely' Mac thought to himself.

"Remember how, ya'll were goin' on and on about bein' forever alone, well...I found this here feller whose exactly that way, 'Forever Alone' so have fun." Mac left his unconscious cargo in front of the purple and orange serpent.*wink, wink*

Mac went back to Sweet Apple Acres and took his little sister and her friends out for candy and frosted treats like he promised and went online to find some brain bleach they could all share. FYI: it was YouTube videos of The Ultimate Warrior ranting in old wrestling promos.(here)


Later at Ted Nugent's Mansion after Mac let him hunt in the Everfree.

"Diner is ready. I can assure you this is something you ain't ever had before." The rock star/hunter called to his diner guests as they proceeded to gather around the table as the chefs brought in a very large serving tray on placed it on the table and removed the lid. They guests were shocked.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?!?"

"Roasted hydra head with the giblets cooked inside for flavor, not much white meat sadly, but the flesh is very tender and it cooks like gator." Ted exclaimed to those gathered around the table.

They all had a really good diner and some of the guests took some of it home in a doggy bag.


Three days later at the warehouse

Two cops stand over the bodies of several nerds.

"Briggs, that's the strangest thing I've ever seen in my life. I have never seen anyone let alone several people’s faces contort into permanent rage faces “He sighed. "I'm getting too old for this shit."

"Eeyup, I wonder what wonder what would make anyone you that?"

"Whatever, just call it in." Biggs Looked at the DVD player across from the bodies, pulled out the disc and examined it. 'My nephew loves that My little Pony show.' He put the disc in his pocket and like the video from The Ring it went on to cause more death.

The End


The Continuing Adventures of Perry Piekinski Linebacker Equestrian Ass Kicker

The Flim Flam brothers were planning their next scheme.

"Brother I think we sound try to sell a monorail to the folks of Mane-phis"

"Excellent idea Flim, but what's a monorail?"

"I'm glad you asked, dear brother..." Flam was about to break out into song when Perry Piekinski burst out of an oak tree with a large kaboom sending splinters everywhere.

"FLIM, FLAM?"

"y-y yes?!?" The brothers said in unison as they stared at the hulking bi-pedal beast wearing clothing of orange, green and white.

"APPLEJACK'S FARM IS HER FARM!!!" Perry yells as he pumps his fist in the air. " PAIN TRAIN'S COMING, WOO WOO!!!"

Perry charged at them as they were charging up a teleportation spell and grabs their horns and snapped them off. he then rammed his fist of justice into Flim's screaming mouth and ripped as his teeth loose. He took their horns a shoved them where the sun don't shine.

"PERRY HOPES YOU LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY." Perry skipped down the road looking for something else to maim and the stallions lay on the ground writhing in pain with their horns up their asses wondering who/what the hell was that and why did he beat the shit out of them.

Out of sight Perry hid behind a tree and held a locket with a picture of Trixie in it, "Me am gonna make blue pony mine." He says to himself only to feel nasally breathing behind him, it was that one nerd pony from Fluttershy's assertiveness episode. Perry of course grabbed the pony in a sleeper hold and threw him over the tree line past the horizon like a football. The sound of a satisfying crack could be heard from the same direction.


What else happened that week

A group of teen dragons were hanging out at a skate park harassing a couple of Terra or Earth dragons. If these douche bag teenage dragons looks familiar it's because they were the very same group that was picking on Spike, but more on that later. The group was comprised of Garble the leader, Pink-eye the albino, Stonie the hemp loving long haired purple slacker and Chubs the fat one. The smaller flightless dragons ran away in tears.

"HA HA HA. This is so awesome...I'm...I'm bored now." Garble said as the novelty of insulting elementary students was worn off.

"Ooh, I know we can go back to my cave and listen to my Fish records and get baked."

"Nah, we could go get something to eat at McGemstone's, maybe get a My Tiny Cub figurine!" exclaimed Chubs

"Lame, we should go shove the park janitor, knowing he can't legally shove us back." Pink-eye said with a smug look on his face.

"That idea is winning, we can--" Garble and his crew were interrupted at the rare sight of the alicorn Princess Celestia was catching air in a golf cart all it sailed off one of the many ramps of the park. The tires screeched as her majesty steps out sporting a pair of shutter shades.

Thorn and his crew were stunned.

"Hello handsome, now this is that part where I beat your scaly arse." The royal princess said in her usually calm demeanor.

Garble looked behind him to see that his so-called friends had high tailed out of there.

"I shall take your skateboard and cram so far up your arse, that you shall be referred to as luggage lips."

She finished her speech and bucked the dragon in the gut and used her magic to throw his ass through a nearby half pipe. She wasn't lying about sodomizing him with that skateboard. The solar goddess had many reasons to do this, yeah he insulted her and her friend Spike, but what really pissed her off was how much death he and his dragon cohorts have caused to the Phoenix population. When she was done she flung him pass the horizon.


Meanwhile on the far side of the country

The Crackle family was having diner when the red bloody and bruised body of the jerk dragon fell through the roof and into their living room.

Prince Blueblood was in the kitchen feeding Crackle Jr. when he witnessed this event. He called out to his husband. "Dear, could you please call an ambulance for the drake and our home owner's insurance."

Crackle sighed. "GRRRUUUOOBLLLEGGRRRAAAARRRP."
Translation: (This is the second time this week. I'll get right to it, darling.)


If you’re curious, the other teenage dragons got their asses kicked and went to a juvenile detention center. Their parents were pissed when they had to deal with the court fees and the idea of how much their kids have gotten out of claw.