“So… um… you say you’re from out of town, correct?” Celestia asked her date.
A slimy green hand reached out and grabbed the tea kettle sitting between them. Lifting it up, a tentacle picked up the cup sitting before the figure and raised it so he could pour more tea into it. Taking a sip, he set down the tea kettle and cup back down on the table, drips of slime falling here and there.
“yES InDeED. i hAVe a FARm OuT iN tUScaNY wHERE i HoST NumerOUS WinE TAsTinG EvenTS FRoM mY OwN PrivATE stoCK. WOulD yOu CarE tO VIsiT SOmetIME In thE fUtuRE?” Cthulhu asked, adjusting his tie underneath the teeming mass of tentacles that made up the bottom of his face.
Truthfully, when Luna had mentioned that her next date was a bit on the strange side, Celestia had thought nothing of it. When she mentioned he was a god, Celestia grew a bit more worried, since her last godly experience didn’t go too well. However, who was she to judge from just one ruined date? When Luna said he was an Old God that existed from before the beginning of time, Celestia merely assumed that he’d have some interesting stories to tell.
Now that she was before him, Celestia had to hold back her utter disgust every five seconds. Whether it was his wretched, rotten skin that looked uncomfortably moist, the mass of tentacles on his face that resembled wriggling snakes, or even the dark look of complete and utter madness behind his eyes, Celestia couldn’t take much more of it. Though she had to admit that the dark blue pinstripe suit and lime green tie he wore went excellent together, and that top of the line Rolex on his wrist meant he had some money to throw around as well.
Gulping down some tea along with some vomit that had been traveling up her throat, Celestia managed to cough out, “I-I’d be delighted, Mr. Cthulhu.”
“Oh PlEAsE, CaLL mE CTHULHU, DARK GOD OF THE END OF TIMES, BRINGER OF DOOM AND DESTRUCTION, LORD OF VIOLENCE AND INSANITY, OLD ONE OF THE DARK ONES AND LEADER OF THE MAD, THE ONE WHOSE VERY NAME STRIKES DESPAIR IN THE HEARTS OF MORTALS!” Reaching out for a crumpet with a tentacle, the treat was quickly swallowed by the swarm of slimy appendages on his face. “oR Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn FOr sHOrt.”
“Um… good to note,” Celestia said, her hoof trembling as she raised her tea cup to her lips. Not even the calming taste of jasmine with mint leaves could soothe her frayed nerves. Once again, Celestia blamed Luna for this mess. Good business owner and mature gentleman her ass. Celestia was pretty sure Cthulhu was older than the stars, and far from anything gentle or even man related.
“MAy i INTereSt yoU In a TEaCaKE?” Cthulhu asked. He held out said treat with one of his tentacles, the sugary cake once a delightful looking snack with pink frosting. Now it was green, green, and ugh, even greener, thanks to Cthulhu’s slime. “thEy’RE qUITe DeliCIoUs. bEsT iN TOwn, iN FaCT.”
Celestia smiled and screamed silently in her mouth “I would love one, but I’m on a strict no-sweets diet,” she said. Along with ‘no-slime-from-an-elder-god’ diet as well.
“SuCH a sHaME THeN. YoU aRe a PeRFECtly gOOd LoOkInG, inDEpENDent WOmaN, aNd SOmeThINg aS tRivIaL As weIghT ShOULdn’T DictATE yoUR LiFE.” Cthulhu leaned across the table, his tentacles taking the form of small hearts across hideous facade. “YOu’re ALreADy BEauTiFUl.”
Celestia stopped mid-sip, her jaw falling open slightly. It wasn’t every day a god from before the start of time said she was beautiful. Much less one who was beginning to look a lot less horrific, terror-inducing ugly and more kind and considerate.
Giggling, Celestia tried to hide her blush behind a hoof. “Aww, you probably say that to all the pony princesses.”
Cthulhu chuckled, sitting back nonchalantly in his seat with a wink directed to her. “I mIghT, BuT thOSe wORdS hAVe NevER mEANt anYTHing UntiL nOW.”
“Now you’re just making me blush,” Celestia said, unable to hold back her insatiable giggling. Her cheeks were flushed, and a certain spark lit up her eyes as she stared at Cthulhu.
Getting up from his seat, Cthulhu offered his skeletal, bony hand to her. “wOUld yOu caRE tO Go oN a WaLK, celESTiA? iT’s A pErFECt afTerNooN fOr a StroLL.”
Reaching out her hoof to grab ahold of his slimy appendage, Celestia fought back a shudder and said, “I would be delighted to.”
“I hate you so much right now,” Celestia muttered, groaning into her pillow.
“How was I supposed to know?” Luna shouted from at the door.
Celestia looked up from beneath her pillow and stared at Luna with unbridled loathing. “I would think my own sister would take the time to at least research some of the dates I go on!”
Luna dodged a pillow Celestia threw, ducking down as even more items were hurled at her. “Once again, how was I supposed to know he was married? Much less to an even worse abomination than himself?”
“She nearly destroyed Equestria when she found out about us!” Celestia said. “It’s just like with Zeus all over again! At this rate, others will begin to think I’m a hussy!”
“Sister, please, now you’re just overreacting.” Luna stifled a laugh, silently closing the door to Celestia’s room before calling out, “Everyone already thinks that!”
Celestia threw a throwing star that stuck itself uselessly to her door. Sighing, Celestia got up from her bed and made her way to the computer at her desk, www.notforeveralone.com still the open browser. Sighing, Celestia flipped through a couple pages of potential dates, her eyes sifting through them rapidly.
“Okay, this time I get to decide who my next date will be.” Her eyes widened, and a smile soon broke out as she clicked on her potential dating partner profile. “And it looks like we have a winner. At least this one I know won’t have any spouses out for my neck… hopefully.”