Living Like A Princess

by Armalite


Living It Up

Princess Luna groaned groggily, her eyes fluttering open. "What hap- OW!" She shrieked as she attempted to lift her head, and ended up tugging her horn. "What?" She mumbled, her eyes crossing and following her horn until it reached... Oh... OH! That blasted demon!

Luna tugged her horn from the chrome table and triumphantly staggered to her hooves. "Fear not, sister!" She called out, "I am coming to end your eternal misery! I shall slay the demon inside you! Which will also kill you, but fear not, I'm sure you'll get a nice spot in paradise!" She levitated a large knife from a rack. "Probably."

With that, Luna set off on her adventure in demons slaying. After walking a ways through the darkened castle she came across the guard, still weeping in his now cold puddle of urine. "Guard!" she shouted, waving the knife in front of his muzzle, "Where hast my sister ventured? I must slay her!"

The guard looked up with puffy, blue eyes. "She... She..." he broke off, chocking back a sob.

"She what!? Tell me now!"

"She said she fucking hated me!" He cried before devolving into tears once more.

"Hmm, yes, that does seem out of character for her. She usually says that kind of thing about you behind your back. Truly this is a vile, evil demon." She then flipped the knife into the air and caught it with her magic, "Luna the Demon Destroyer is coming for you!" She hollered before leaping over the guard and galloping towards her sister's room.

The guard lay, sniffling as Luna's hoofsteps slowly faded. He gave a little sniffle before whimpering to himself, "All I want to do is beat people up and maybe fuck Celestia. Now she's a demon, and Luna's Luna." He slowly dragged himself out of his own piss and began to meander down the hall. Maybe I can get Princess Twilight.

<....>

Shadow Shell lay slumbering in Celestia's almost over-sized bed. As it turns out, the princess snores. A lot. This is why when Luna began to pound the door down, Shadow was a bit slow to awaken. Celestia's snores are equivalent to a goddess angrily trying to smash a door down.

Luckily for Shadow, a particularly loud smash shook him from his sweet dreams of a multi-race harem. His sleep addled mind took charge as the door continued to rattle. With a groan of frustration, fear, and fatigue, he rolled out of the bed, hit the floor, then rolled back under the bed.

Not seconds after he finished, the door flew from its hinges from a shockingly hard kick. The door flew over the bed and smashed through a far window before sailing off into the night. The door then burst through the wall of a warehouse where a high tension drug deal was taking place. The explosion of a door rocketing through the wall caused them to panic and slaughter each other before fleeing. A nearby pony overheard the commotion and found ten dead ponies and a suitcase containing 2 million bits. This pony would then go on to be hunted by a hired blade sociopath. But that's a different, much better story.

At this moment, though, Shadow was cowering under Celestia's bed as Princess Luna stormed through the shattered door frame. "Your security spell could not keep Us out, Tia! Fear not, We have brought with Us a demon slaying instrument!" A butcher knife flew into the air before flipping about. "Kind of."

Shadow whimpered softly as Luna stomped over to the bed, her hooves stopping inches from Shadow's muzzle. There was a moment of silence before, "We see thy imprint on the memory foam, Tia! Thine fat posterior reveals you, just like in hide and seek! Except this time, We will cut your limbs off and free your soul!"

Holy hives, this lady's apeshit!

Luna scanned the room for any signs of her demon sister. Then, she saw it: the bathroom. "THINE LIMBS BELONG TO US, SISTER!" She screamed as she slammed head first into the door and steamrolled into the room, swinging the knife wildly.

Shadow furiously scrambled out from under the bed, screaming silently as he barreled out the door and down the hall.

Luna poked her head out of the demolished bathroom, bits of plaster and dust coating her coat as the tail of her sister disappeared down the hall. "We did not know thine body could fit under such cramped spaces, dearest demon!" She hollered after Shadow as he galloped down the marble halls.

Luckily for Shadow, Celestia's long legs were able to carry him faster than Luna. This isn't factoring in fear of dismemberment, because if you add that to the equation then it just makes him OP. All I want Shadow thought to himself as he frantically galloped away from the psychotic demon slayer, is to sleep in a nice bed and eat cake. Is that really too much to ask for? He took a sharp turn and ended up sliding past it and into a conveniently placed red stool which sent him tumbling into a small storage closet.

Once Shadow had cleared his head, he saw the janitor from before, Shop Vac, sitting on the floor with a bottle of Valium. "Hey man, I need you to do me a solid, okay?" Shadow asked the janitor, "Princess Luna's about to come tearing down here and when she does, I want you to distract her so that I can beat her ass with this broom," he said while grabbing a broom, "okay?"

The janitor nodded, "Sure thing, man."

Shadow grinned, "Sweet. You keep doing that Valium, now, cause you're a lot nicer to talk to than most ponies." Shop Vac was about to reply when they heard the raving of a crazed goddess. "Okay, go distract her!" he urged, shoving the drugged up janitor into the hall.

Princess Luna skidded past an out of place red stool and to a halt just inches from the stoic janitor. Before she could demand information on her possessed sister, the janitor lifted a bottle of pills to her face. "Hey, man, want some Valium?

Luna's face scrunched up in bewilderment, "Why dost thou have Valium, what are thou even - CRACK! - Excuse Us a moment." Luna turned and faced a terrified Celestia holding a now broken broom stick. "What made thou think that would work?"

"Fuck you!" He quickly and fearfully blurted out as he sped down the hall, Luna hot on his heels and fueled with rage. The two continued on for some time, hurling insults at each other and attempting to murder each other as they sped through the empty halls of Canterlot Castle.

<...>

The once proud and noble solar guard dragged himself through the empty halls of Canterlot Castle. "Help me! Oh Celestia help me! I can't see! Why are these halls empty, there's supposed to be patrols everywhere!" After bumping into several tables and losing several pints of blood, the guard finally heard hoof falls nearing him. "Oh, please! Help me!" He felt himself get picked up in a warm magical aura as the user ran past. "Please help me! A changeling beat me blind and is inside the castle!"

"Oh shit," the guard heard Princess Celestia say, "Can't have that."

"Thank you! He's probably - Oh God!" he screamed as he was thrown out the nearest window.

"Can't have any witnesses."

"You foul beast! We shall slay thee with great enthusiasm!" he heard Luna roar behind him.

Shit, I should've thrown him at her, that'd been hilarious. He was quickly snapped out of his daydream when the thunder of Luna's hooves grew closer. This is it. I'm going to die here, surrounded by shit I can't enjoy. I hate my life. Just as he began to accept the fact that his life was going to end at the blade of a mad goddess, the janitor leaped onto her back and stabbed her in the neck with a syringe.

Luna shouted in anger and surprise as she shook the janitor off. She pulled the syringe from her neck and looked at it, then at the janitor. "What's in this?"

"Heroin."

"What the fuck is wrong with you ponies!?" She bellowed before pausing. Her face slowly slipped into dopey bliss and she fell to the floor.

Shadow Shell stood a short distance away, panting hard. "Thanks man, I really... owe..." He was left speechless as the janitor injected the rest of the heroin into himself before slumping against Luna and falling asleep. "Okay well... I'm just... gonna go," he said before bolting down the hall.

And that's how Princess Luna became a heroin addict.

<...>

To an outside viewer, the sight of Princess Celestia hiding behind her throne and weeping in fright and hunger would've been a horrifying and depressing sight. To Shadow Shell, though, this reaction was completely justified. It had been an insane demon hunting, drug abuse, cake-less, chase filled night at Canterlot Castle. Shadow, not having had a full night's rest, sobbed until he curled up and fell asleep behind the throne.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the castle, Princess Luna, ruler of the night, was being awoken to a spear prodding her side and a commanding voice saying, "Get up, junkie."

"Oh...Oh gods kill Us," she groaned. "We're going to throw up. We're hot and cold at the same time and we itch all over!"

"Yeah, well save it, Junkie, I'm taking you in."

"Wha- taking Us in? We are Princess Luna! Ruler of the night! Master of -" Luna stopped as the two stared at each other for a moment and then Luna turned and threw up onto the hall floor, "Master of the moon," she moaned before collapsing into the vomit puddle.

The guard shook his head disapprovingly. "Fucking junkies."