//------------------------------// // Return of the Pony. // Story: The Only Element He Needs // by Flint Sparks //------------------------------// "The night is darkest before the dawn..." Bruce Lee sneered. “Yes, Mister Norris, it is I. I’ve been expecting you,” he said, pausing to stroke a white, fluffy stallion that walked by. He walked past the pony and stood three paces from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris clenched his fists, taking note of the thirty ponies that surrounded him. Thirty Seventh Elements. Thirty foes to be defeated. “Why?” Chuck Norris asked, pushing down his burning rage. His gut was a furnace of fury, one that could not be stoked in such a tense situation. He knew he needed to stay in control. “Why did you… destroy Equestria? Why do you threaten the safety of an innocent universe? What could you possibly gain from this?” “The question is, Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee said, prancing toward Chuck Norris with steps as light as snow, “is what can’t I gain from this?” He leaned down and scratched a stallion behind the ears, causing it to slobber and moan in pleasure. “Using my own essence, I have fabricated and grown these ponies to become the strongest in the universe. The ones you’ve faced were only the prototypes. They have become stronger, Mister Norris, and you are no match for them.” “But that doesn’t answer my question!” Chuck Norris roared, stomping his feet and shaking the ancient castle. “Why are you doing this? Why? Bruce Lee chuckled. “You see, Mister Norris, I’ve always been a little enamored for Equestria. All those pretty ponies and riches for the taking!” Bruce Lee raised his fists into the air, as if he was milking an invisible cow. “But those… those fools! The Powers That Be have always messed things up! They give these ponies artifacts of immense power, but do not teach them how to wield it properly! But I!” Bruce Lee jogged forward, petting his ponies and stroking their manes. “But I have molded their power and given them a will of their own! To make their own destiny, instead of being told what to do with it!” “And what gives you that right?” Chuck Norris challenged, stepping away as Bruce Lee approached, holding his arms out as if he was going to hug Chuck Norris. “What gives me the right? What gives ME the right?” Bruce Lee cackled, his eyes rolling in their sockets. “Oh, how I LOVE the irony! Chuck Norris, who roundhouse kicks people for asking the time! Chuck Norris, who extorts his friends and makes fun of them just because they can’t have his soul. Chuck Norris, who cheats in poker and gets away with it because he’s the tough guy! Chuck Norris, who decided to lecture someone else about abusing their power!” Bruce Lee bowed, to the stomping applause of his ponies. Chuck Norris couldn’t take it anymore. Smack! Chuck Norris grunted as Bruce Lee squeezed his caught fist, a wicked smirk on his face. Bruce Lee tilted his head. “So, Mister Norris, it seems that you do not quite understand the—Predicament. You. Face.” Bruce Lee annunciated each word with a tightening of his grip, turning Chuck Norris’s vision red with pain and rage. It wasn’t a feeling—pain, sheer unadulterated pain—that Chuck Norris was used to. It was quite alien. “Kiai! Bruce Lee shouted, charging his ki through Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris yelped in pain and collapsed to his knees, his arm smoking. Bruce Lee stepped away, admiring his handiwork. “Excellent. I see I still stand as the most powerful being in the multiverse. I’ve killed you once, Mister Norris, and I’ll do it again. Maybe Death will do his job this time.” Chuck Norris grunted as he made his way back to his feet. “Y-you’ll never get away with this…” He gasped in pain, holding onto his burnt arm. A dragon-patterned scar was engraved on his forearm: Bruce Lee’s sigil. “Oh Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee said with a giggle as he raised his hand with his thumb and a finger pinched together, “I already have.” Snap! The Seventh Elements attacked. Time slowed down to a crawl as Chuck Norris grasped onto his inner focus. He closed his eyes to the sounds of growling and roaring stallions, focusing only on his inner energy. Just like Grandmaster Buddha said. Now is not the time to use teeth and rage, nor time to make coffee. It is time to focus on what matters, and come out strong. It’s time to release… the real Chuck Norris. A cool current ran through his blood, calming the flames of rage. Chuck Norris opened his eyes. He twisted his torso as he grabbed onto the barrel of a flying pegasus, tossing him into the side and reaching for his knife in one fluid motion. He unsheathed it, then brought back his fist and backhanded an oncoming unicorn, digging the knife into his neck. Without wasting a beat, Chuck Norris cut the knife out and spun, taking out two opposite ponies with a simultaneous sidekick and left jab. Time froze as his senses flared up. Chuck Norris spread his legs and sank into the splits, bringing his hands up to slam two launched ponies together. He placed his hands on the ground and pushed himself, rolling back to dodge a magic blast in the nick of time. Chuck Norris stood onto his two feet and assumed a fighting stance, bringing his fists to his chest. His elegant roll and placed all his opponents to his front, leaving him able to focus. The air around him charged with energy; it became tense enough that only his roundhouse kick could cut through it. His eyes flicked back and forth, scanning the oncoming crowd. Thirty, no, forty. No wait, fifty Seventh Elements! He furrowed his brow and smirked. Seventh Elements, prepare to meet the Texas Ranger. Information was received—action time. He leaped forward and kicked his legs forward, diving into a slide through the crowd. He unholstered his SMGs and fired into the crowd, clearing space and scattering the ranks. Confusion was his friend. He spun his leg out in a sweep kick, tripping the stragglers. A swift spin-roundhouse kick put them out of commission. He flicked his wrist back and took out another with his knife without even turning to look. Chuck Norris smiled. Chuck Norris was back. He roundhouse kicked! He punched! He jabbed! He hooked! He spin-kicked, side-kicked, front-kicked, back-kicked! Stallions, ponies, Seventh Elements fell to each and every powerful strike! Sonic booms echoed and shook the room with each contact as Chuck Norris charged every strike with his very soul and fighting spirit. Chuck Norris was unstoppable! He jumped as two ponies flew toward him. He twisted his body, preparing both feet to strike for a dragon ki— “That’s enough!” Bruce Lee shouted as he grabbed Chuck Norris’s boot in a split-second hold. Before the living legend could react, Bruce Lee twisted his fist with a ki charge, spiraling Chuck Norris and throwing him across the chamber. Chuck Norris fell to the ground with a harsh crack, leaving a crumbling crater on the castle ground. Chuck Norris struggled to his feet, the ki surging through his body and sapping his strength. His vision blurred, the ground shifting as his sense of balance spun out. Inner focus is hard… when you don’t have any focus. Chuck Norris collapsed to his knees. His fist pushed against the ground, but not even all his will could bring the titan to his feet. “No no no, nobody uses my signature kick,” Bruce Lee said as he paced in front of Chuck Norris, his pony mimicries waiting at his beck and call. He reached into his martial arts sweatpants and pulled out a single shuriken, sparkling with gold electricity. Bruce Lee examined it, his smirk turning into a gleeful grimace. “A single weapon, one of a kind, and the only one that can finally kill you. A shuriken made of my own, pure ki. Goodbye, Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee said with a dismissal wave. Bruce Lee flicked his wrist and sent it flying. Chuck Norris closed his eyes, gracefully accepting defeat. Shink! Chuck Norris heard the ki-metal hit metal, no doubt his iron-hard skin. He waited for it to dig into his neck, to tear out his arteries, to finally end the legend of Chuck Norris. He waited for the life beyond. Death. Anything. None came. Chuck Norris, impatiently embracing his end, opened his eyes. A shocking sight awaited him. In front of his eyes was the scythe of Death itself, struck into the ground. Death stood before Chuck Norris, blocking the final blow with his own weapon. His block complete, Death twisted his wrists and elegantly spun the scythe into both hands, taking a battle stance with his dark weapon. Death turned his skull and nodded at Chuck Norris. ”I said there was a way we could help. Now here it is.” Chuck Norris panted and shook his head. “No, you don’t understand! They’re too powerful, even for me! Run, Death. Run!” “I believe Death, my friend, said ‘we,’” a silky voice called from the shadows. Lucifer walked out from the retreating darkness, brandishing his dual-skulled soul-magnums. He lifted them up and assumed a secret agent pose. “Lucifer, Lord of Hell, at your service.” Bruce Lee laughed, placing his hands on his hips. “I defeat Chuck Norris, and his only backup are his lackeys! Seventh Elements, prepare to—” “Who said they were alone?” a female voice called from opening scarlet doors. Chuck Norris’s heart skipped a beat, recognizing the sound of someone—no, somepony familiar. Fluttershy and her five friends trotted into the room, meeting the leers of the many stallions. Each of the girls brandished their own uniform and belt of different colors. Only Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash wore black, taking the lead of the group. “F-Fluttershy?” Chuck Norris stuttered, finally catching his wind and rising to his feet. “I-I t-thought—” “I would never leave you behind, Mister Chuck Norris,” Fluttershy said with a small blush. “Everypony went into hiding as soon as Discord uncovered Mister Lee’s plans, and we bided our time until you would aid us. You’re quite famous, even in our universe. Understandably so, once I absorbed the memories of my tangent echoes.” Fluttershy pawed the ground, smiling. “Enough talk!” Rainbow Dash shouted, leering at nearby stallions. “I am sick of being forced to, ugh, fall in love with these weirdoes!” Rarity silent agreed behind her. “Now let’s kick some flank!” Bruce Lee roared and jumped kicked toward Rainbow Dash, before anyone could react. Smack! “Not today, fool!” Mr. T blocked Bruce Lee’s kick and shoved forward with his bling-fueled strength. Bruce Lee fell backward in the air, curled into a ball, and landed on the ground in a balanced back-stance. “Mr. T?” Chuck Norris asked as Mr. T helped him join his group of allies. “What are you doing here?” Mr. T grinded his teeth. “Homeys called me as soon as they heard ‘bout fools messing up the place. So I called a couple homeys to help out.” “A friend in need is a friend indeed. Call me crazy, but not too crazy.” “Someone called for the best gun-slinger ‘round these parts?” Chuck Norris blinked and beamed at his friends. “Jackie Chan? Clint Eastwood?” “Ah, but don’t forget the most divine of us all,” a wise, ancient voice called from the reopening door. Everyone in the room, including Bruce Lee, paused to stare at the majestic figure. Everyone stared, slack-jawed. “Morgan Freeman?!” “That’s right, my children.” Morgan Freeman bowed, donned in his white robes. He peered at Chuck Norris and smiled. “I believe that we, so you say, have some ass to smite.” Bruce Lee sprinted forward and shouted, “Seventh Elements, attack!” Before even a single pony could paw forward, Mr. T stepped forward. “Mr. T don’t think so, fools!” Mr. T roared as he punched the ground, fissuring the chamber and blasting the crowd away with a sonic blast. Mr. T, winded, turned to Chuck Norris. “You better get your white ass moving and take care of that fool, fool. Mr. T and friends will handle the weak uns.” Chuck Norris nodded as the ponies behind him cheered and charged. Chuck Norris followed. Bruce Lee threw a right hook at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris blocked. Bruce Lee twisted his hips and back-kicked, only for Chuck Norris to duck and counter with a swift roundhouse kick. Bruce Lee stumbled back, only to be blasted again with a kick. Another kick. Another kick! Bruce Lee shook his head and prepared to counter Chuck Norris’s kick, but a magic bolt to the face pushed him back. Bruce Lee recovered, only to take Applejack’s buck to the back of the knee. Rainbow Dash punched his throat, to Liam Neeson’s (who had just shown up and was shooting evil ponies left and right) approval. Bruce Lee spat blood, just before Rarity flew through the air and roundhouse kicked him in the jaw. Bruce Lee stumbled back to the onslaught of the true Elements of Harmony. He fell to a single knee, panting as the five crept toward him. In a single moment of desperation, he slammed his palms onto the ground and released a ki shockwave, blasting the Elements of Harmony back. Not even winded, they merely slid back, still on their hooves. Chuck Norris confidently strutted past them, pausing only to nod his thanks to Twilight Sparkle. “Give up, Bruce, you’ve lost,” Chuck Norris said as he kneeled in front of Bruce Lee. He placed his hand on Bruce Lee’s shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. “Please, just let it go.” “Can’t hold me back anymore,” Bruce Lee wheezed. “You can’t hold me back anymore!” He shot back to his feet, causing a ki-blast to push Chuck Norris onto his back. Bruce Lee panted as his aura turned visible, a golden shroud of pure ki. “All I wanted to do was make my own Equestria! Filled with my own version of Elements to live up to the pony’s true potential! I was going to succeed where the Powers That Be failed!” Bruce Lee whipped out a knife from his black sweatpants and skulked toward Chuck Norris. Everyone in the room, including the deviant Seventh Elements, froze as the aura of fear corrupted their hearts. Chuck Norris scuttled backward on his ass, only for Bruce Lee to stomp on his foot. Hard. “Goodbye, Mister Norris,” Bruce Lee cackled as he raised the knife above his head with both hands. “Prepare for your final curta—” “I DON’T THINK SO!” Fluttershy roared as she intercepted the falling knife. She took Bruce Lee’s wrists in her hoofs, hovering above the ground with her buzzing wings, and struggled against his strength. The knife vibrated in their struggle, and slowly but surely rose in the air. With a grunt and a twist, Fluttershy knocked it out of his hands. Bruce Lee charged and wrapped his arms around Fluttershy, intended to grapple and destroy the filly. He bit off more than he could chew, which Chuck Norris soon discovered. Fluttershy deftly avoided his arms with a ballerina twist, flapped her wings to drop a foot, repositioned her hoofs and grabbed onto Bruce Lee’s shoulders, and flipped over. Bruce Lee promptly flew into the air and onto the ground, without a chance to even recover. Bruce Lee struggled to his knees. He repeatedly snapped his fingers, commanding the remainder of his Seventh Elements to his side. He pointed to Fluttershy. “Destroy. That. Mare!” Fluttershy waved her mane, a confident smile on her face. “I don’t think so, boys.” The flowery scent of her mane fluttered through the air, permeating the atmosphere with lilacs and daisies. Fluttershy lowered her head and stuck out her bottom lip, pouting. “Boys, big mean Brucie is bullying me… please teach him a lesson?” Bruce Lee snorted. “What could that possibly—” “Yes Fluttershy,” the legion of Seventh Elements chanted. They leaped onto Bruce Lee, forming a doggie pile of overpowered Elemental force. Bruce Lee tossed and punched and elbowed and kneed his creations, but the weight of the false stallions pushed him down, pinning him to the ground. Bruce Lee roared and roared, but not a single Element could save him from his own doing. He managed to free an arm, pushing the Seventh Elements off him. He rose, his hair turning blonde as he burnt Seventh Element after Seventh Element off of him. He roared and raised his joined open palms together, charging a ki attack to— Chuck Norris and Fluttershy, their minds and hearts in sync, put an end to Bruce Lee with joint roundhouse kicks to his forehead. A resounding smack blasted through the atmosphere. Bruce Lee fell to the ground, unconscious. Death, his approach unhindered by the equally unconscious Seventh Elements, waved his hand over Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee’s weakened soul, a tiny yellow orb, floated out of his chest. Death silently retrieved his soul satchel and placed Bruce Lee’s soul into it, then turned to the crowd and raised the satchel above his head. The crowd cheered. It was over. Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood hugged. Jackie Chan and Mr. T high-fived. The true Elements of Harmony cuddled and giggled in cheer. Pinkie Pie bounced around and fired her party cannon, tossing confetti into the air and laughing as jolly as could be. Chuck Norris smiled. It’s over. It’s finally— A tap on his shoulder interrupted his thoughts. He turned his head, only to have his vision filled with bright blue eyes. A warm, moist pair of lips met his own. Surprised, shocked, and silently overjoyed, Chuck Norris embraced Fluttershy and swung her low to the ground, deepening the kiss into something worth celebrating. Everyone cheered for the new couple. The day had been won. Not by Chuck Norris, nor by sheer power. But by the power of friendship.