"You get the greatest glimpse of heaven on the way down to hell..."
Chuck Norris strutted from the tunnel of Tartarus, deciding a much needed rest was in order. He had one last Element to destroy, and wanted to do it on his own terms. Death and Lucifer were still playing poker, and not a single chip of Chuck Norris’s had been touched. Good.
“How goes your quest?” Lucifer asked as he threw down his three of a kind, beating Death’s two pair. He waited for Chuck Norris to seat himself and grab a beer. “Is the universe and my little ponies safe?”
Chugging his drink, Chuck Norris’s mind turned to the multitude of ponies he had fought. He set the beer down and wiped his moist lips. “Yeah, almost. Just got one last Element to destroy, then we’re good. But Jesus—no offense.” Chuck Norris waved to the ceiling as thunder boomed in the distance. “These ponies are tough. I mean, they’re no match for me, but they’re definitely unnatural. Any idea what, or who, is behind this?”
Lucifer tapped the table with his bony fingers, his brow sweating. “I… I think I have an idea, but I can’t confirm it quite yet.” He looked up to Chuck Norris and ran his hand through his dark hair. “It might be an old rival of yours, but I can’t be sure. But if he’s still in Equestria, he’ll be in this one.”
“What makes you think that?” Chuck Norris asked, taking a sip of his beer. Death threw in the big blind for the next poker game before speaking.
”You see, Mister Norris, you have been dissipating tangent universes. Each time you destroy the malefic keystone, the original universe absorbs what has been lost. That is how the universe heals,” Death explained drawing his cards and examining them. ”It would certainly explain Fluttershy’s… infatuation.”
“Yeah, it does,” Chuck Norris said. He kicked his feet on the table, to Death and Lucifer’s chagrin, and sipped his beer. “As soon as I finish this bottle, I’m going to finish the job.”
Death and Lucifer exchanged worried looks. Lucifer jerked his hands, and Death shrugged. Mental communication ensued, until they nodded and came to a consensus.
“Mister Norris,” Lucifer said, leaning onto his poker table. “Perhaps you might want… backup?”
Chuck Norris’s eyes shot open and spat out his beer, coughing. His lungs cleared, allowing his coughs to turn into laughs. He slapped his knee and returned his feet to the floor, continuing his jolly laughter. He wiped a tear from his eye and looked up to his friends. “You? Back me up? If I can’t handle it, who says you will? I’m Chuck Norris! The boogeyman checks his closet for me!” Chuck Norris chuckled and stood up from the table. He waved to his friends and turned back to the tunnel. “Later, guys. Thanks for the laugh.”
Chuck Norris jumped in. Death and Lucifer grimaced at each other.
Lucifer shook his head. “I know we wouldn’t make much of a difference, but he has no idea, does he?”
”No, I’m afraid not,” Death rasped, tapping a skeletal finger on his skull’s chin. ”But… there might be a way we can help.”
“Is he gone yet?” a voice called from behind them. The two lords turned to see the boogeyman poking his head out from Lucifer’s closet, blushing and waving.
Chuck Norris walked through the village, scratching his beard and holstering his weapons. He walked down the path, down the village streets, but not a single pony was in sight. The buildings were desolate and worn down by the elements, as if nopony had lived in them for ages. A tumbleweed blew past as Chuck Norris noticed Carousel Boutique’s windows were cracked and full of cobwebs. It was like the Wild West.
Strange, it feels like… home, Chuck Norris thought as he strolled past an empty bakery, home of the Cakes and a Pie. Faint, stale scents of pastries wafted through the air, tickling his senses. He passed by an empty school, empty homes, an empty marketplace. Having passed by all these locations at least six times before left him… wary.
Then the library loomed before him
No. No, that can’t be right. Not at all. Chuck Norris dropped to his knees, slack-jawed. The multiverse’s greatest hero sat there, his mind attempting to process the sight before him. Grief clawed at his heart, threatening to tear out his lifeblood and soul. He fell over and caught himself with his palms, panting. Did I do this? Is this the result of my actions? Is this my fault? Chuck Norris looked up from his position, his sight turning blurry from the tears flowing down his cheeks. No, I can’t cry. I NEVER cry!
The library before him was nothing more than a stump and ashes. Ponyville hadn’t been abandoned.
It had been razed.
Chuck Norris climbed to his feet, drained of his godly vitality, and stumbled forth. He passed by the town, noticing what he had missed before. Windows had been boarded shut, and broken by weapons and fire. He passed through the town, taking note of all the damage that had been caused indirectly by the blood on his hands, and stumbled to the outskirts of town.
Fluttershy’s cottage was nothing but rubble. Chuck Norris kneeled down and sifted through it, but couldn’t find the body. Maybe she’s okay. Yeah, she’s just fine. Death would have told me if… Chuck Norris shook his head, not daring to finish the thought.
He continued on his way, searching through the village for any life. He walked down a dirt path, passing by broken trees and rotten apples, and came to half a barn. Charred wood and rubble revealed it to be a lightning strike. Chuck Norris clenched his fists, wholly aware of pegasi and the weather.
Someone… someone is going to pay. Chuck Norris growled and threw his head back. “You hear me! I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!”
His shout reverberated through the earth and heavens, shaking all of Equestria in a massive earthquake. Chuck Norris’s vision turned red as his veins ran with fire, snorting steam and stomping through the town’s wreckage.
He was going to find who was responsible.
And kill him.
He ducked into a sprint, using every scent on his hunt. He jogged to Canterlot, following his sense of smell to the highest concentration of magic. He searched through marble wreckage, through the shattered castle halls, searching and searching for any life. The only thing he found that wasn’t completely destroyed was train, which was promptly hijacked.
Chuck Norris rode the train, figuring it would lead to all notable, concentrated living places of ponies. He visited Appleloosa. Nothing. He climbed a rainbow to explore Cloudsdale. Nothing. He searched the Crystal Empire. Other than a crystal heart that radiated powerful magic, nothing.
Chuck Norris finally stopped the train, weary. Having traveled all across Equestria, and coming up with nothing, he had grown tired. He sighed and stepped off the train, stretched his back, and then stared into the heart of the forest behind him. The Everfree Forest: the last, free, unexplored land.
The last of the wild land, Chuck Norris thought, biting his lip in deep thought. How fitting. Chuck Norris broke into a light jog into the forest, passing by trees and moss. No animals stalked him, no birds sang, not a single living thing permeated the forest air. It was quiet. Too quiet.
Slowing down to a casual walk, Chuck Norris came to a cavern bridge before a castle. An odd magic radiated from the castle walls, bringing a grimace to Chuck Norris’s face. He spat on the ground and stepped onto the bridge, sure that he had found what he was looking for.
Snap!
Quick as a jackrabbit, Chuck Norris sprinted across the bridge as each step broke in half. A mysterious force cut the ropes, felling the bridge. The foundation underneath fell, leaving Chuck Norris no other choice but to leap for the ledge. He flew through the air and barely made it, scrambling his hands on the dirt for leverage. Chuck Norris began to slide down, but unsheathed his knife and stabbed the hard earth. Secure and tight, he used the knife to pull himself up.
He ran through the closing castle doors, shattering the wood like he was a living battering ram. He sprinted through the halls, jabbing and hooking every suit of armor that came to life to stop him. He slid to a stop at the end of a hall as an alicorn stallion statue came to life and snorted, pawing the ground and ready to charge. Chuck Norris quickly ended its short life with a swift side kick as it charged.
The castle held many traps, and old magic enchanted inanimate objects to impede him, but Chuck Norris wasn’t stopping now. He was going to end the one behind this atrocity, even if it meant the end of Chuck Norris and this dying universe.
“Finally,” Chuck Norris said as he came to a stop, a massive, scarlet door with black engravings in front of him. The engravings appeared to take the shape of a Chinese dragon made of smoke. The dragon appeared to be breathing fire smoke on a village of ponies, ponies screaming in terror. Chuck Norris clenched his fists. “Go time.”
Instead of meeting with magical resistance, the door creaked open. Chuck Norris walked through, the door slowly shutting behind him.
A chamber, Chuck Norris was inside a vast chamber. An empty chamber of… nothingness.
“Well this is anticlimactic,” Chuck Norris deadpanned as he walked through the empty chamber. His footsteps echoed off the marble and stone, reverberating through the walls. The darkness seemed to retreat from him with each step, as if it was sentient and afraid of his power.
A clap sounded through the silence. A slow, condescending clap. Chuck Norris froze, listening to the footsteps and applause approaching him from behind. Chuck Norris turned his body, moving slow and ready to fight.
Black shoes, black pants, and bare abdomens stepped from the darkness. A man with dark hair laughed applauded. “Mister Norris! It is great to see you! I was wondering when you would finally arrive! Welcome to—” the man spread his arms, inviting a legion of stallions to creep out of the shadows, bearing their own necklaces “—Paradise.”
Chuck Norris glared and scowled at the man.
“Nice to see you again, Bruce.”