//------------------------------// // Lock and Load, Baby! // Story: The Only Element He Needs // by Flint Sparks //------------------------------// "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..." Chuck Norris opened the gun cabinet next to Lucifer’s wardrobe, taking down random weapons and strapping them to his chest, back, and waist. Retrieving a few knives and pistols, he slipped them in his boot and denim vest. He patted himself down, smoothing all the wrinkles in his jeans and hiding the creases of his weapons. Death floated over and stared at Chuck Norris’s getup. ”I see. You’re preparing for the worst, aren’t you?” Death reached into the cabinet for the tranquilizer rifle and handed it to Chuck Norris. ”Please take this one too. It is rather unpleasant whenever I must touch their world with my presence, and I wish to minimize my corruption on their world.” “Wait a minute,” Chuck Norris said, taking the rifle from Death. “You’re not a corruption. You sure as hell aren’t taking me, but you aren’t a corruption.” Chuck Norris placed a hand on Death’s shoulder and gave the bone a squeeze. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, friend.” Death sighed, exhaling cold wind past his vaporous hood. ”I suppose you’re right, but the land of Equestria is inhabited by innocent ponies. Innocence that rarely brushes with the harsh truth of me. They are long-lived, loving, and only see the death of a loved one in the rarest of circumstances. Please, Mister Norris, let them live free and unburdened. It is the last haven for innocence, and I would give anything to keep it that way.” Chuck Norris nodded. “Right. I’ll try to keep it, er, clean then. Only my marks, got it.” Lucifer looked up from the poker table, adjusting his visor. “So, Mister Norris, what are you going to do now? We might not have much time.” “Well, Lucifer, I don’t need much time,” Chuck Norris said with a grin as he cocked his shotgun. “Only time for a… montage.” Lucifer and Death gasped as generic theme music played in the background. “Time to lock and load.” “Fight me like a real stallion, you cowardly rogue!” the heavily armored stallion roared, brandishing his broadsword with his magic. “I shall defeat you in combat like many a monster I have slain, and then I shall take another mare as my bride to celebrate my victory!” Chuck Norris hid behind the market stall, panting for breath. H-how is this possible? His armor is immune to my roundhouse kicks! Chuck Norris held up his Colt .45 and reloaded it, dropping the clip onto the ground. Bulletproof, unkickable… there’s only one possible solution to this puzzle. Just got to wait for it... “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” the stallion jeered as he paced around the marketplace, decimating stalls and carts with a swipe of his broadsword. “Or are you just some weak and helpless filly?” Chuck Norris bit his tongue, clenched his fists, resisting the urge to lash out and give away his position. Nobody uses sexism as an insult! “Oh, but he ISN’T weak and helpless!” a familiar voice called through the air. Chuck Norris looked up in the air as Fluttershy dove from the skies, tackling the armored stallion. Without any hint of injury, the armored stallion wrestled with Fluttershy, receiving the upper hand with brute strength and weight. Chuck Norris reached for his boot and prepared to—Chuck Norris leaped. He dove to the side, into his shoulder, as he reached out and aimed with both handguns. With precision timing and accuracy, he fired four bullets at the stallion’s shoulder. The stallion, holding onto Fluttershy in a choke grip, exposed a gap in his shoulder piece with his forelegs bent. Chuck Norris slid behind the next stall just after he confirmed that he had, indeed, fired the bullet and wedged it just inside the gap. Chuck Norris rolled onto his feet, holstered his guns, and whipped out his hunter knife. Before the stallion could recover from Fluttershy’s assault and Chuck Norris’s fire, Chuck Norris bolted from his cover and sprinted toward the armored stallion. Time slowed down as Chuck Norris approached the speed of light. Using his precise muscle movements and calculations, Chuck Norris dislodged Fluttershy from the stallion, took the stallion in his own arms, and kicked off the ground into a full tackle. “Fool!” the stallion growled under Chuck Norris, slightly winded. “I am the Element of Honor itself! You cannot defeat me with such underhanded tactics!” Chuck Norris chuckled as he adjusted his knife in the armor’s gap. “I think I already have.” Hitting the sweet spot with his knife, the armor loosened and fell apart from the shoulder, exposing the stallion. Before the stallion could even whine about his defeat, Chuck Norris stuck his hand inside like a child searching the toy box. He felt for the necklace, took it in his fist, and crushed it into smithereens. The stallion wept as the scene dissolved to the next… Chuck Norris surfed the lava wave on a board made of rock, holding onto a pony for her dear lives. Fluttershy screamed and covered her eyes, unable to comprehend the sight of her “friend,” the “Element” of Chaos, diverting from the path of light to combat Chuck Norris. All of Ponyville had turned into a volcanic field. Each and every pony was caged in frozen magma, not even something Chuck Norris could make sense of, but the chaos stallion did it anyway. Making sense was probably not his thing. The pegasus stallion floated above the village, branding his razor sharp claws. “Muahaha! Daddy Discord will be pleased indeed! Prepare to face my wra—” “Stuff a sock in it,” Chuck Norris said as he jumped off a wave and kicked his board ahead. The boulder struck the stallion in the chest, instantly shattering his fake element. Fluttershy cheered for her hero. “W-why? I was the hero…” the stallion cried as he searched the ground for his broken glasses. Chuck Norris kneeled down and picked up the fallen necklace. He paused to detach Fluttershy from his arm before standing up. “You were a bully, Poindexter.” Chuck Norris crossed his arms, resisting the urge to roundhouse kick this one in face. Again. “Element of Nitrogen? Please. You were just full of hot air. You used your intelligence just to get close to Twilight, bully all the jocks, and build a capitalist empire for yourself. You could have used your smarts for goodwill, but you were selfish and a bully. Good riddance.” Chuck Norris spat on the ground, ignoring his slight hypocrisy with cancer. He threw the Element of Nitrogen on the ground, aimed his Colt .45 down at it, and pulled the trigger. Chuck Norris jumped into the air, twisted his torso, and caught the plate of spaghetti with his teeth. As he began descending in the air, he finished his 360 spin, pulled out his dual SMGs, and fired at the fedora-wearing unicorn. Each of his bullets hit the necklace dead center, shattering the fake Element and dissolving the fake universe. Fluttershy, clinging to his leg, cheered for her victorious champion. “You are no match for me! I have power over the Element of Time!” the crazed stallion shrieked as the air rippled around him. Chuck Norris pushed himself off the ground, knocked down by the stallion’s kick. Even a kick at the speed of light was enough to wind Chuck Norris, a fact that worried him. They’re getting stronger. But I still have to beat them! Chuck Norris wrapped his arms around Fluttershy and rolled just as the stallion fired a bolt of energy at them. Chuck Norris released Fluttershy mid-roll, allowing him space from the unconscious mare. He looked up to see the stallion trotting toward him, cackling with each step. “You truly thought you could defeat me when I have dominion over the most powerful force in the world?” the black and gray stallion scoffed. “For a moment, I thought you had a bra—” “Hey tool,” Chuck Norris grunted as he placed his fists on the ground. He looked at the stallion and narrowed his eyes. The stallion narrowed his eyes and fired up his horn, slowing time to a crawl. Chuck Norris grinned and said, “You're forgetting Time’s brother!” The stallion cocked his head as Chuck Norris’s muscles flexed in slow motion. “What brother?” Despite the limits of speed imposed on him, Chuck Norris managed to shout, “Gravity!” Chuck Norris, utilizing the speed of light to combat the time slow, pushed the earth down. His immense strength caused the planet to shift under the Element of Time, causing the stallion to sink in slow motion as if he was drowning in a lake. He flailed his forelegs, but could not sink in time as Chuck Norris sprinted faster than light. A swift roundhouse kick to the chest ended the time lock, and dissolved the realm. Chuck Norris’s quest was almost over.