"In the beginning there was nothing... and then there was Chuck Norris."
”Full… house…” the robed figure whispered through his vaporous hood. His skeletal hands dropped his playing cards onto the table, revealing three kings and two queens. He clasped his hands and leaned back onto his chair, staring past the poker table to his two companions.
Two men stared back at him: a black-haired man with a porcelain complexion and a scowl that could kill, and a brawny, bearded man who hadn’t even flinched at his deathly opponent’s declaration despite being all in.
The black-haired man ran his hand through his head of hair, revealing elven ears. He threw his cards on the table: three jacks, an ace, and a joker . “You win this time, Death.”
Death nodded and leaned forward, wrapping his skeletal arms around the stack of chips.
Slam!
Death froze, a dagger piercing the table just between his radius and ulna and leaving his arm pinned. He looked up, his vaporous soul orbs staring from his hood. The bearded man looked up from his slouched posture and glared at Death. He threw his cards on the table.
“Straight Flush,” the man said, “Royal Straight Flush.” He lifted his knife and allowed Death to move back to his seat.
Death sighed and slammed his fist on the table, burning it with soul fire. “Damn it, Norris. Someday, I’ll win. I got Bruce, and someday I’ll get you.”
Chuck Norris scoffed. “I died thirty years ago, and you’re still too afraid to tell me.”
Death looked away. “I-I’m sorry…”
“What was that? I don’t think I heard you right,” Chuck Norris said, clenching his fist with a deafening crack that echoed through the flaming halls of hell.
Death raised his hands in instinctual defense. “I-I’m s-sorry, senpai!”
Chuck Norris leaned back into his seat, pulling the pot into his stash of chips. “Atta girl, I knew you could do it.” Death wished he could correct him, but even he knew that he was no match for Chuck Norris. Nobody was any match for him.
Lucifer stood up from the table and saluted the divine men. “I think I’m going to cash in before I go broke. Good day, gentleman.” He turned around, taking his fedora off the clothing rack and placing it on his head before turning to the tunnel of Tartarus. He stepped into the tunnel, but froze when Death coughed. He turned around to see Death jerking his head toward Chuck Norris. Lucifer facepalmed and sat back at the table.
“Back for seconds already?” Chuck Norris jabbed, whittling a rock into a figure with his hunting knife. “Or are you ready for—”
“Mister Norris, we need your help! It’s why we invited you over,” Lucifer blurted out, his knuckles white as he gripped the table. “We have no other choice than to turn to you, trust me. You’re the only one who can help us.” Lucifer leaned his elbows on the table and held his face with his hands. “Please, help us.”
Chuck Norris grimaced, finding the sight of his friend to be off putting. It was one thing to see Lucifer throwing a hissy fit about his daddy issues, but another to see him truly upset. As badass as he was, Chuck Norris hated the sight of his friends in distress. It meant someone needed a good ol’ roundhouse kick. With that in mind, Chuck Norris leaned to the side and nodded. “What do you need?”
Death raised his skeletal palm and conjured a gaseous orb, creating an image akin to a crystal ball. Inside showed bright colors and laughter. He beckoned Chuck Norris closer, revealing the tiny colors to be sapient equines. “Mister Norris, this land you see is Equestria, and it is currently in turmoil.”
Chuck Norris reared back and glared at Lucifer. “I knew you were into that silly cartoon, with all the shirts and merchandise you keep buying, but are you seriously trying to get me into your hobby?” Lucifer blushed and shook his head, waving at Death to continue.
“You see, this is the multiverse,” Death said, waving his other hand over the orb to create a network of lines inside a vast orb. Each line connected to each other at a single point, never merging or splitting paths. Each one was a different color, and pulsed with strange energy. Death continued. “Or, at least how it should be.”
Death waved his hand again, and one of the lines began to surge with power. The line convulsed and became an angry red as it split into seven different lines, connected only at the base. “This is how the multiverse is now. One universe has become split and its boundaries are waning, meaning—”
“That if someone doesn’t take care of it, the walls of the multiverse will collapse and all hell breaks loose?” Chuck Norris guessed, picking his teeth with his knife. Lucifer and Death stared at him, bemused. Chuck Norris shrugged. “No pun intended.”
Death shook his head. “No, much worse. And this concerns all the Powers That Be. Even the Great One has given permission for Lucifer and me to intervene, even if it breaks the balance.”
Chuck Norris whistled. “That bad, huh?” The two figures nodded.
“You see, this world faces a fate worse than him,” Lucifer said, reaching over and placing his fingers on the base of the universe’s knot. He pinched it, and the threads split away, floating in space and falling to the base of the orb. “If the world continues to split as it does now, the universe will be cut away from the rest. No destiny, no fate, no afterlife. The universe will die.”
Chuck Norris nodded in understanding, allowing the words to sink in. He waved and pointed his knife at his friends. “So why do you guys care? Isn’t this more of a heaven deal?”
Lucifer jabbed his thumb toward the tunnel behind him. “Unfortunately, the only existing entrance to that realm that hasn’t been erased thanks to this incident is the tunnel of Tartarus. It branches out to a few, but it’s the main way into Equestria. Which means it’s my business, as well as Death’s. If billions of souls just vanish in the multiverse, we’ll all feel the sting. Even you.”
“Very well,” Chuck Norris said. “But tell me, what exactly is causing this and why do you need me to fix it?”
Death twiddled his thumbs. “You see… there are some divergent ‘ponies’ in the universe that caused it to split when they were, well, given power. We call them the “Seventh Elements” for they have forsaken and copied the Elements of Harmony that protect Equestria. I hate to say this, Mister Norris, but… their power rivals yours. That’s why the universe is breaking apart. It’s too much for the multiverse to handle.”
Click click! Chuck Norris cocked his handgun and holstered it. He adjust his weapon strap, securing the dual SMGs to his waist. He saluted to his friends and began strolling to the tunnel of Tartarus. He turned his head back one last time and winked. “Tell Brucey I said hi, alright? I’ll be back before supper.”
He faced the tunnel, a vast snake of darkness and void, and leaped in.