No One's like Blueblood

by Doctor Parker


How it Began, and What is to Come

"Well, it's a good thing it didn't go as badly as last time" Blueblood chuckled. "I didn't have to saw up any bodies this time."

"Yeah, remember that one time?" inquired Oszukac.

"Haha, yes, Well, it's not my fault they were insulting my favorite Human! Hootershy is my waifu! Ah, MLH...it's how we got to know one another!"

Twelve Years Ago...

Blueblood was depressed. Three years since the events of the gala, and he simply couldn't be happy. He stood on the outside of the gardens, giving half-hearted greetings to ponies he barely recognized.

However, there was somthing that brightened up his day: First he saw a Tarpan. Blueblood knew that Tarpans have the best drugs. But this Tarpan was looking around, as if searching for something.

Plus, he had a jester's hat for a Cutie Mark.

A soul he could recognize and identify with: He would go make conversation: "Hey! Tarpan!"

The Tarpan looked at him blankly and with annoyance. "My name is Oszukac."

Blueblood did not take the hint, so he decided to keep talking: "You know what I really hate?"

"What?" Oszukac asked grumpily "Ponies that are different than you?"

"No...well, yes, but there's something that I hate even more!" Blueblood explained.

"What?" asked Ozukac somewhat anxiously.

"Humans!" Blueblood exclaimed.

"Humans?" Osukac asked for verification.

"Humans" Confirmed Blueblood.

"I hate humans too!" Chimed Oszu

"I hate everyone that watches My Little Human: Friendship is Bullshit."

"Piekło, I hate everypony who's ever seen that show!" Oszu growled.

Blueblood had to outdo that: "I hate everyone, who's ever caught a glimpse of that show, while changing channels!"

"I hate everyone who knows what the show is!"

"We know what the show is."

Oszu decided to take a risk: "Well, I hate us!"

To his relief Blueblood didn't care and just kept going. "I hate every episode of both seasons 1 and 2!"

"I hate every episode of season 3!"

"But season three doesn't come out until november!"

"Well, I hate it already-" Before Oszu could continue, he was interrupted by a phone call to the tune of the MLH theme song.

"Hi Hoity...something about humans...yeah...no, we hate humans, remember? Yeah...okay...buh-bye."

Then Oszukac explained:

"That was Hoity-Toity...he hates humans too."

"Is your ringtone...the My Little Human theme song?"

There was silence.

Then Oszu changed the subject: "You know which Human I can't stand?"

"Which human?" asked Blueblood.

"Applerack."

"I can't stannd Pinkie Pies!"

"I can't stand Raritits!"

"I can't stand Rainboob Dash!"

"Headlight Sparkle!"

"Chernobyl"

"Apple Boom"

"Sweetie Bot"

"Chickenboob"

"Princess Molestia!"

"Gayburn"

"Freddie Mercury"

"Big Heart-Attack"

"Johnny Depp"

"Dopey Feet"

"I'm not wearing a My Little Human tie right now!" Blueblood added, stuffing his tie as if it were something better not seen.

"Nor am I!"

"Barrack Obama"

"Michael Savage"

"Prince"

"Queen Estrus"

"Shining Wiener"

"Princess Futa"

"Boob-Boob"

"Jizzy-Pants."

"All the Chundersplats"

"Limp"

"Dick"

"The Great and Powerful Stripsie"

"However...if there was one human, I dislike the least...it would have to be...Hootershy."

There was a pause, before he resumed:

"She's very nice...too look at...very good to her friends...and all, all the clients she has...takes care of them all...sometimes, nobody asks her to, she just, does it...such a sweetheart."

Oszu had to add: "Yeah, she's got it going, but I would say that, the human I hate the least...would be...Rainboob Dash."

"Rainboob Dash?! She is my least favorite!"

Oszu scowled: "Don't you dare talk that way about Dashie!"

"You remember that episode, where she goes around acting like a sex goddess, just because she bucked a few people? Big whoop."

"I'm sorry, how many Ponies have you been bucking lately?"

"I hate her! She is such a conceited slut!"

"She's stupid-confident, and really cool!"

There was another pause...

"If I didn't know any better, I would say that you watch My Little Human: Friendship is Bullshit, on a regular basis."

Glares were exchanged between one another.

Minutes later...

They were in Prince Blueblood's room, drinking beers, eathing nachos, and watching humans.

Twelve Years Later...

Now it was the present, and Oszukac was reflecting on the lives of himself and Prince Blueblood; originally, it was Blueblood who was the "straight-man", and Oszukac who was the "goofball." Now it had switched around, and Oszukac worried about Blueblood's current state, fearing that it would never get better...and that he was responsible for it. Blueblood's infamous disaster at the Gala had little to do with his new bad habits, introduced to him through Oszukac, but something else...

...but that is another story for a later chapter.

****************

Diamond Tiara now rushed towards her father's basement, where she presumed the explosion originated.

When she opened the door, she caught her father removing something that was too burnt to recognize, from his waist. When he pulled it down, it showed that all of his hair had been roasted off on his hindquarters.

She then quickly backed away and shut the door, to give him privacy.

After a minute or two had passed, she opened the doors to see her father now properly clothed in pants. But he had a most furious expression on his face. Before she could ask, he gave her an explanation: "I'll never get this boner!" her father shouted.

"Yes you will" Diamond Grumbled. "You always do, somehow. You'll proubably win first prize at the fair tomorrow, and become world famous."

"You really believe that?"

Diamond decided to troll her father: "Non, bien sûr que non!"

Filthy didn't understand it, but he figured it was great! "Well, then, what are we waiting for!" He shouted "I'll have this boner fixed in no time! Can't wait for the other former Genies to see this..." Diamond just rolled her eyes in exasperation.

However, they were not as alone as they thought.

Blueblood decided to get a glimpse of them...and heard enough to learn that Filthy Rich might not have been the only former genie.

He smiled. He was in luck.

********************

As Blueblood was walking to his large home in the country, he had planned stopping by Filthy Rich's home again tomorrow morning, to follow that fabled Genie to the fair, and learn who else were Genies. As he approached his property, he saw Fancy Pants' carriage parked outside his home, because Fancy was going to "Carriage-Pool" them to their favorite Gentlecolt's club.

When he opened the door to the home he shared with Oszukac, Oszu asked: "Say Blueblood, whatever happened to Hoity's little foal?"

"You mean Silver Spoon?"

There was a moment of silence, save the creak of the door that opened.

Blueblood went back to speaking: "Well, you of all Ponies should know what they do with silver spoons."

Oszu was aghast: "Her special talent was heroin?"

Overhearing this, Fancy Pants spat our the beer he helped himself too.

"Yes," Blueblood nonchalantly explained. "That's why Diamond used to act like such a huge brat back in the day...she was a major addict, or as Silver taught her to call it, a 'Sugarlump-Rump', and well, when she was high as a kite, she wasn't exactly very nice."

"I say!" Fancy loudly exclaimed.

"Well, it wasn't like she was Silver's only customer: Snails was too. Heck, a lot of Ponies were her customers. In fact, she probably had too many. So many, that inevitably, she got caught about ten years ago, and placed in prison for a million years!"

"That's just awful!" Oszukac grimaced.

"Yes, arrested too soon: I never got to try any of her drugs. Very sad indeed, considering what she did to Diamond and Snail: Must have been awesome stuff."