//------------------------------// // Once upon ah fuck it [Edit] // Story: Oww man // by DemonOJM //------------------------------// POV:Third person Time: Present day Canterlot In Canterlot it was raining not water but fliers, both princess look with concern from the balcony. Luna levitated one flier to have a look: Deadpool: the merc with a mouth Do you got a problem? Do you got money? Well here is your answer, Deadpool: Mercenary for the right price. I don’t do everything. Preferably guard work or killing. Write a message on a paper and at the end my number:(smudged) I’ll answer as soon as possible and if you’re a human woman you don’t need money ;D if you know what I mean. “Lets hope that it doesn’t get too bad. Equestria isn’t as bad as it was.” Princess Celestia tried to ease some of her sister’ fear. But the princes of the night wasn’t as sure as her sister. She’d seen some of her subject’s nightmares, during her duties as Princess of the night. “Yes, my dear sister. Let’s hope and pray that he will be stopped fast.” POV: Deadpool Time: Present day Canterlot Wuiiiiiii “I hate this so much!” I screamed at the rushing air. Oh, you want to know why air is rushing against my whole body? Let me explain; to promote our services we need to spread our advertisement fliers, and the best way is to do that,is to drop from high altitude and let them rain down. Yes and I have fear of heights even I know I can’t die I know it will hurt! Well you don’t need to do anything, we control your body for the moment. This had better be good I couldn’t do a damn thing and we’re out of fliers, so please let us get back. Ok, teleport with safety roll in 3 ... 2 ... NOW! My body moved on it’s own and pressed the button, now I was at the old castle and I keep on rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, till I crashed against the throne.   Ahh! The pain! I’m lucky that I’m a bit tougher than before, I stood up and stretched my body till it made a satisfying crack. I hate that sound could you please stop that! And could you please shut up because I hate you? Oh wait, you can’t. Wow. There is no need to be that aggressive. I’m too old for that shit, so let try to focus. We probably need the mirror that was shown in that Equestria Girls movie and we know where it will be, but not where it is now. Oh come on! We got time! Let us have some fun first! Yes! There is more to do! Okay, you two got on my nerves again, it is time for punishment! I cackled in a sinister sounding voices, as I rubbed my hands together as reminiscent of the classic villians of the silent films. NO! NO! screamed the voices in my head in panic. I take a deep breath in and start singing. “This is the song that doesn’t end.  Yes it goes on and on my friend.  Some people started singing it not knowing what it was,  and they’ll continue singing it forever just because … .” You are a masochistic monster! This song will be stuck in our head for hours! And this is one way to silence you. Wow there is something vibrating in my pocket. Nah, it just the xxl dildo that he forgot to turn off! I pull out my smartphone to find out that our first job is in … . Oh god! I forgot the horse puns. I commenced performing the most epic of facepalms upon reading where I was to meet my first client. It appears that we're going to the megalopolis of *Mane*hatten. POV: Deadpool in Manehatten I was in one of the highest skyscrapers here in an elevator ascending to my client’s office. As the doors opened, there were four unicorn guards and behind a desktop sat a bulky … . Fat.  Earth pony with white fur and no mane. He wore a black shirt underneath a white jacket and a red tie. “Ah! Welcome my friend! Let’s get straight down to business, shall we? My name is Kingpin … . I made a double facepalm and cover my eyes fervently wishing that this was all just a bad dream. “Hold your horses, your name is Kingpin. Now you’re gonna tell me that you are crime boss of Manehatten and I must teach a competitor whose name is Tombstone a lesson!” I really hope that this isn’t the case. “Well! Your knowledge is fascinating! You’re correct in everything you just said. I thought you were petrified in stone for over a thousand years?” The Kingpin asks with a serious look in his eyes. Nope, no, nein, aucun, wu goes through my mind as i shake my head. Stop saying no in different languages! And answer the good m ... pony’s question, or we’ll do it. Fine... I’ll do it. You know I hate it when you take over. “To be precisely it was over 1051 years or so, and about your story? It just was a hunch.” I answered and tried to go away, but I couldn’t move my body. We want to know what he has to offer. “Let’s get easy and straight, how much are you gonna pay me and what do I need to do?” A creepy smile grew upon his face. “Oh, I just want you to rough up somepony in a warehouse at the docks. Oh how cliche! The payment is five gold ingots.” I felt how the voices took over my body. “We’ll do it!” I spoke in a disoriented voice and therefor I got odd look from the Kingpin. “Here is the address. When you’re back, I’ll send my some of my scouts to confirm that you did your job, after that you get your payment.” he handed/hoofed me the papers with the address and time. “Okay I got one warning for you if you cross me I’ll kick your ass to Canterlot!” Yeah we don’t want to be end up like the story about Sombra! Please don’t remind me of that, it still hurts. We left the building via our teleport belt and ending up in an alley, it was already dark and I tip toed through the streets to the docks. I heard someone behind me, but before I could look my left leg was in so much pain. My eyes wandered down my leg to see what happened and … oh god damn no! You must say it. You can’t resist our control. “IIII … tooooooook … aaann … arrow to the knee again!” I really tried to resist, but it was worthless. I pulled that damn arrow out and look behind to see a unicorn guard with a bow levitating, oh you gonna pay for that. “I take a fucking arrow to the knee, you’ll take a fucking bullet to your front leg!” From my holster, I pulled out a desert eagle and shot that guard in his leg. He screams in pain and let go of his bow and the second arrow. “Have fun in a glue factory!” and I made a run for it. At the window of the warehouse. Well it looks like all the grunts in da hous. We should probably change the story, the next part will be a bit too messy for a teen rating. I had my sais ready to whoop some candy ass. Yeah you’re probably right so flash back. He is gonna take you back to the past, to read some shitty fic that suck ass. No! Stop it! We can’t use song lyrics, so once upon ... ah fuck it just play the damn flashback already! POV Deadpool Everfree Forest 1,616 years in the past I was at a river to take a look at my face and what I saw reflected back at me, my face looked like Freddy Krueger's bastard sun, rather than my own. Wow ... . That hurts. We have feelings too. And we want to know why we’re here and with you? Yes I miss Wade, this guy is so boring. “Was zur hölle!” I said a bit nerved. Now what did we tell you? You don't need to speak German anymore, and you don't need to speak out loud to communicate with us. Just 'think' out loud. Thinking isn’t probably not his strongest ability. Hey! There was a rustle behind me, I turned around and saw something I never believed to see in my lifetime. What is this a mutated lab rat and why does it look so girlish. Well guys I know where we are, we’re in My little Pony friendship is magic and that is a manticore. The manticore looked at us like we were a Slim Jim … . Oooh yeah. Okay the only option that comes to my mind is run! I was running for my dear life as the manticore hunts me down. You could easily take out your gun and shoot it. Yeah it is not like you can die you got awesome healing power and the curse of Thanos we can’t die even if we want too. Yeah, no. I spotted a castle I'd rather be safe than sorry. I commence increasing my velocity, but knew that I wouldn't be able to maintain the sprint for much longer. Okay! Time that we take the control. It is obvious that you got to have the guts. I felt how I slowed down and my left hand moved to my back without my doing. Now  it is time to pull out our baby. And with that said I got in my left hand a MP5K, I was just two hundred meters from the castle as I spin around MP5K pointed at the head of the manticore and pulled the trigger. “BANG!” And I really killed something … . Well technically we killed it. It is still my body. Okay I got another question, where the fuck did you pull this MP5K out!? We got a pocket dimension where we stored most our weapons. But we got limited ammunition unless we input the Konami code. My hand with the gun moved again to my back and the gun vanished. I got so many question for you guys. “Halt there!” a voice screamed behind me. I turned and saw … . To be continued?