The Epic Quest to Mount Button's Mum

by Ficta_Scriptor


Chapter 5 - Deep Dark Runway

Chapter 5 – Deep Dark Runway

“Hey everyone, I have a joke,” Snips said aloud as the group plodded through Ponyville Proper. “Where does a pirate play games? In an arrrrrcade! Get it? Isn’t it funny?”

“Oh, good one, Snips!” Milano said with a fake grin as Button, Featherweight and Scootaloo rolled their eyes in unison. “You might make a great stand-up comedian one day.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you’re a walking joke,” Button mumbled under his breath.

“Oh I know lots of jokes,” Snips beamed, mishearing Button completely and prancing along, still giddy from Button’s Mum’s compliment. “Like, what does a pirate spread on his toast? Marrrrrmalade. Where does a pirate like to hang out? At a barrrrr. Where does a pirate keep his money? In a jarrrrr. Did you like that one Mrs Mash? Did you? Did you?”

“Er… yes, of course. But maybe it’s best to make up jokes in your head for now.”

“Oh, of course!” Snips said with an enthusiastic nod. “How else would I become a world class stand-up chameleon if I use up all my best jokes before the show?” His voice grew quiet as he began singing a song to himself. “Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner, kids are made… La-de-da…”

Though Snip’s horrendously embarrassing attempts to court Button’s Mum didn’t bring a smile to Featherweight’s face, the Ponyville arcade coming into view certainly did. Just outside, food vendors and market stalls were set up all across the street, selling tasty treats and various wares. Featherweight held his pouch of coins, flirting with the idea of nabbing a gift for his beloved. I could get her something nice, he thought to himself. Maybe some candy floss, a toffee apple, a packet of crisps, a jam sandwich, an ice lolly, a bum bag, a novelty flannel, or maybe a pack of chocolate biscuits. If only I was old enough I could nab some plonk. But Featherweight quickly dismissed the allure of items which — for one reason or another — he’d identified using strictly British terms. His money would be better spent in the arcade.

“Looks like we’re here,” Button’s Mum announced.

“Finally!” Button remarked, leaping from his mother’s back and bounding out in front, having apparently forgotten about his so-called ‘injury.’ He held the bits previously won from Featherweight with foalish glee.

“Remember I’m keeping an eye on you,” Button’s Mum called as her son bounded through the archway to the arcade. “No playing that House of The Deceased or you’ll be having nightmares again.”

“Yeah, yeah, I promise,” Button shouted back indignantly, hurrying his way towards a nearby cabinet with House of The Slightly-Wounded written on the side.

Milano rolled her eyes. “Okay everypony. Be sure not to run off and get into any trouble. You’re my responsibility right now.”

“Yes Mrs Mash,” the three ponies chimed in unison.

Featherweight stepped inside with the other two foals and took a deep, delighted breath. He could smell the victory that lay within his very grasp, not to mention the stench of sweaty forty-something year old stallions hunched in front of fighting game cabinets with a notepad full of frame data, the faint whiff of vomit encrusted on the carpet and the heavenly aroma of Button’s Mum, the only doable mare within five hundred yards.

The place was practically bustling from corner to corner. A group of teenage mares doddered giddily from a booth housing an interactive, hydraulic dating sim from Japone titled High Speed Mega Max Ultra Super Fun Time Yeah 2: Onii-chan! One-chan! Shh Dad Will Hear Us Desu, falling from left to right and panting profusely as they finally took control of their hind legs once more. On the other side of the room a lonely stallion in tattered rags kissed his last coin, seemingly under the impression that the kart racer he was playing would dispense money if he came in first. The newly installed Whack-a-Rabbit seemed extremely popular amongst a group of screaming toddlers, who were completely unaware that a real rabbit (who the coroner would later identify as ‘Angel bunny’) had been installed into the machine by mistake. And then there was Ebbin McFlow, the tough seapony detective who specialised in catching coral thieves and shark-baiters, and had helped to train Featherweight in the ancient art of DDR. His ‘transfer’ to the arcade aquarium via air mail was apparently a mistake, and his comrades were on their way to rescue him any minute now for the past twelve years.

“Wot’cha, Featherweight?” the fedora-wearing seapony greeted from inside the fish-tank. “Brought some friends along this time, I see.”

Featherweight quickly checked if anypony else was within earshot. “And if all goes to plan, maybe a little more than friends.” He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

Ebbin scratched his chin with one fin, looking on in slight bemusement. “Seriously? Well, whatever floats your boat, I guess. Can’t say I see the appeal, even if he has had the most astonishingly beautiful circumcision.”

“What? No! That’s Snips, you idiot!” Featherweight blasted. “I’m talking about her,” he said proudly, pointing towards Button’s Mum.

Ebbin’s eyes grew wide and fearful. “Whoa, I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but you’re better off just giving up and turning around.”

Featherweight snickered. “What? Are you kidding me? She’s the most curvaceous, most beautiful, most innocence-crushing, cherry-popping goddess in all of Equestria!”

“I’m not disputing that,” Ebbin said assuredly. “I’d still have half a mind to leap out onto dry land and spend my last few breaths flopping about over her honeypot, but I don’t. She’s married.”

“So what!?” Featherweight exclaimed, crossing his forelegs angrily. “It’s up to her who she wants to be with, and if she loves him oh so very much, why is he never around?”

“Listen good, kid,” Ebbin whispered, swimming closer to the glass. “Button’s Dad is… something else. He doesn’t just love his wife. He’s completely obsessed with her. She means literally everything to him. He writes stories about her, and he’s even tried buying a toy plushie of her to enjoy when she’s not around. I hear many a tale swimming around these tanks and anypony who’s anypony knows never to go after the untouchable one, lest you fall prey to a terrible fate.”

“W-what fate?” Featherweight asked nervously.

Ebbin held a fin to his lips. “I shouldn’t wish to taint young ears such as yours with untold horrors such as these. Deep, dark, evil things.”

Featherweight gulped audibly. “R-really?”

“Well maybe not that bad,” the seapony said with a shrug. “The guy’s just too darn polite to torture or maim or kill. But he might fill your boots with custard or put cling film over your toilet seat. He doesn’t take kindly to waifu-stealers!”

“Well I don’t care!” Featherweight declared with a defiant stomp. “I’ve gone through too much and come too far to let some mysterious, plushie-collecting, fiction writing prankster scare me off!”

Before Ebbin could call the determined young colt back, Featherweight had already stormed off towards the central hub of the arcade. Who does that fish think he is, telling me to just give up? I’ll bet he’s just trying to throw me off course so he can be with her. Well I won’t allow it!

As Featherweight eyed the DDR machine with a bit clasped in one hoof, watching as Button’s Mum explained to Snips that putting coins into the slot would turn on the machines, (only to be met with his somewhat pensive glances between the bit in his hoof and her rear end) the colt barely seemed to notice that one little filly was nowhere to be seen.


Meanwhile, at the Cutie-Mark Crusaders treehouse

“The box had a glittery star pattern and a big orange bow tied around it,” Sweetie Belle said as she read from her binder, an enraptured Applebloom sat on the opposite side of the table, hanging on her every word. “Scootaloo was so surprised she nearly fainted. ‘For me?’ she asked. Princess Isabella Sun-butt Von Foal-Factory nodded. ‘It is your birthday, is it not?’”

“Ooh, Ah wonder what her present is!” Applebloom thought aloud.

“I’m just getting to that!” Sweetie-Belle cleared her throat melodramatically and continued reading. “Excited, Scootaloo ripped open the present as quickly as she could, spouting a stream of ‘thank you’ to the Princess. Under the wrapping paper was a brown cardboard box. Scootaloo began to pry it open, tears of happiness streaming down her face… And then a bear trap flew out of the box and snapped shut on her head, burying its teeth into her skull!”

Applebloom clapped her hooves together jubilantly. “Hooray! That’s amazin’ Sweetie Belle! That’s even better than the one where she falls into a wood-chipper!”

“Aww… I try my best,” Sweetie Belle replied, blushing. “Now how about you read some more of yours?”

“Sure!” Applebloom chimed, grabbing a ring binder full of paper and flicking to a page near the middle. “Chapter four. After finishin’ up in the cafeteria, Twilight an’ Rarity turned their horns on themselves. The only—”

“Girls! There you are!” Scootaloo interrupted, bursting in through the clubhouse. She began rummaging through a wooden chest. “Come on, come on, it has to be here somewhere.”

“Scootaloo!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, hastily tidying away the reams of fanfiction before her. “What a nice surprise! Applebloom and I were just… We were just… What were we doing?”

“Er… We… were just namin’ our top five ponies ever, an’ you won, Scootaloo!”

“Uh huh, whatever,” Scootaloo said disinterestedly. “I just need to find… A-ha!” She pulled out a small purple vial from the chest and held it proudly into the air.

“What’cha got there?” Applebloom asked.

“I’ll tell you, but first you both need to promise to keep a secret.”

“Okay, we promise,” Sweetie Belle answered. Applebloom nodded in agreement.

“This is a love potion,” Scootaloo explained, a devious glint in her eyes. “Just like the one we tried to use on Big Mac and Cheerilee, except this time it’s going to work permanently on whomever I choose. I’ve been saving this for just the right time, and you two can’t tell anyone, ever. Understand?”

“Sure, but…” Applebloom trailed off, tapping her chin thoughtfully. “Who are you gonna use it on?”

Scootaloo grabbed a saddlebag from the corner of the room and tucked the vial inside. “Mrs Mash, of course. Duh.”

“But Mrs Mash already has a special somepony,” Sweetie Belle commented. “Or… does she? Don’t tell me Mr Mash doesn’t love her anymore! That’s so sad!”

“Which one is he?” Applebloom asked. “Ain’t he the one with orange an’ brown hair, both pegasus an’ unicorn family members an’ is just friends, only friends with Mrs Cake?”

“I don’t have time to explain!” Scootaloo huffed, making her way out. “I need to get back into town before—” Scootaloo stopped as her hoof landed on a sheet of paper with the words ‘Scootaloo learns about friendship – Chapter 5’ underlined at the top. “What is—?”

“That’s nothing!” Sweetie Belle shrieked, her cheeks glowing red. “Just a silly little thing for homework, so there’s absolutely no need for you to read it whatsoever!”

Scootaloo frowned suspiciously at her friend and began to read anyway. “After Scootaloo had been thrown down into the ravine by her parents she had no friends. Ponies would spit at her in the street. But then one day, Scootaloo found a patch of wet mud. Scootaloo’s only friend was the mud. When she cried herself to sleep, the mud was the only thing that was there for her. And then one day, the mud abandoned her just like everyone else.” Scootaloo crumpled up the paper in a fit of rage. “What have I told you two!? I don’t like you writing Scootabuse stories!”

“Well they’re just stories,” Applebloom said in a trembling voice. “It’s not like we want that stuff to happen for real, an’ you’re still our friend. It’s just... It’s difficult to explain, but writin’ those stories is real fun for some reason.”

“Hey Girls,” came a voice from just outside the treehouse. “I’ve been working on this new vore story where Scootaloo gets swallowed by a lion and—” Cheerilee’s face appeared in the doorway, her smile dropping like a rock as she noticed Scootaloo standing before her. “Scootaloo! W-w-what a surprise!”

“Oh forget it!” Scootaloo screamed, storming past Cheerilee and towards the centre of Ponyville.

As the young pegasus trotted further into the distance, the teacher and two fillies sighed deeply in unison. “It was bound to happen someday,” Cheerilee muttered. “Let’s just hope she doesn’t find out about the other members of our writing group.”

“Speakin’ o’ which, will our newest member be comin’ today?” Applebloom asked.

“I’m not sure,” replied Cheerilee. “I think she might be busy at the Wonderbolts Academy.”


Back at Ponyville arcade

Featherweight took a deep breath, steeling himself as two fillies almost reached the end of the song on the DDR machine. Step one: Become a DDR champion. Step two: Impress Button’s Mum with sexy dancing. Step three: Seduce her until she agrees to leave her husband and run away to a new life. The fillies’ game came to an end, leaving the machine free to use. And of course, the last step. Featherweight stepped up with his bit in his hoof. The most important one of all. He smiled to himself, watching as Button and Snips settled into their own games, leaving the beauty all by herself. The one that matters most. The reason for being! He slid his bit into the slot. Step four: Mount Button’s Mum!

“Mrs Mash?” Featherweight called.

“Yes, Featherweight?”

“Could you do me a favour? I want to go on this dancing game but I’m a little bit worried that I might slip and fall. Could you keep a close eye on me? Maybe stand next to me and make sure I don’t injure myself?”

Milano paused for a moment, a wry grin on her face. “Something tells me you’re better at this game than you let on.”

“What d’you mean?” Featherweight asked nervously.

“I can see you tapping your hooves in time to the beat of the song as we speak,” Milano said, pointing towards Featherweight’s hooves. In a panic, he leapt and hovered above the floor, holding them to his chest “It’s alright, Featherweight. You can come out with it.”

“I… I c-can?” Featherweight stammered, his heart going into overdrive. Could she really mean it? Could she have seen the signs? Should I confess my eternal love right here and have her carry me off into the sunset? Is this—?

“It’s not easy for a colt to admit that they like dancing games, and you just want somepony to cheer you on and see how good you are!” Milano exclaimed. “And since Button and Snips are playing games and Scootaloo is…” She took a quick sweep of the surrounding area and scratched her head. “Actually, I’m not sure where she is.”

“It’s fine, she went to the bathroom,” Featherweight quickly lied, happy to have that meddling filly out of the picture. “But I guess you’re right. I want you to see—”

“Oh I’ll do more than that,” Button’s Mum announced, stepping up onto the adjacent dance pad. “It’s been a while so I might be a bit rusty, but I like to think I’ve still retained some of my skill.” She raised a coin to the machine, looking to Featherweight for approval. “Unless you’d be too embarrassed to be seen dancing with an old fuddy-duddy like me.”

Featherweight shook his head erratically. “No! Not at all! We can play with each other… I mean play a game together! I’m totally cool with that!” Featherweight’s smile broadened as he got into place between the four glowing arrows beside his hooves. He watched as the mare beside him did the same, her posterior perked slightly into the air. This is a dream come true, Featherweight thought as the two ponies both pressed the start buttons in sync, lighting up the display and sending the soundtrack and voiceover springing into life.

“Get your hooves a movin’!” a petit Japonies mare on the screen exclaimed. “It’s time for Dirty Dancing Romp! Serect youl difficurty.”

Without hesitation, Milano tapped the button marked ‘Deluxe Magnum.’ Anypony who was anypony knew that you couldn’t get any harder or more strenuous than ‘Deluxe Magnum.’ Featherweight could hardly believe his eyes that she’d chosen it so casually.

“Let’s hope my dancing ability hasn’t degraded too much over the past few months,” Milano said with a light chuckle. “I don’t get much chance to come here since Button gets too embarrassed.”

“Uh-huh…” Featherweight mumbled, a sliver of drool drooping from his bottom lip. His wings immediately shot out like high-powered pistons. But instead of trying to force them back into place or hiding his shame, he stood proudly with his wing-boner on show in its full glory. It was creepy yet liberating, and could be interpreted as innocently or as sordidly as one wished, like a lonely step-sister leaving her bedroom door just slightly ajar at night. Featherweight smiled to himself and hit ‘Deluxe Magnum’ too.

Everything is going to be perfect…


Scootaloo hurried along the dirt path toward the arcade, the wind pelting her face with the reproductive seeds of the local flora. She still wasn’t sure why love potions hadn’t been outlawed, especially after the chaos that ensued after a batch accidentally got mixed in with the cider keg at an Apple Family Reunion. It was a stroke of luck that Big Mac had enough money to pay for Granny Smith’s hip replacement as a way of apology. In any case, regardless of how difficult it was to get together the ingredients again, a love potion was exactly what Scootaloo needed.

I know you’re up to something, Featherweight! she muttered silently as the arcade came into view. So it looks like I’ll have to do this the old-fashioned way — coaxing a mare into my hooves with drink! Scootaloo sprinted towards the arcade door, determination at an all-time high. Nothing can stop me now!