//------------------------------// // 95: Derple Guy // Story: Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human // by pjabrony //------------------------------// Derpy arrived at Karyn’s apartment and let herself in the window. She was grateful that the weather was finally turning to where Karyn could leave it open a crack and Derpy didn’t need her to unlock it. That day, it was particularly fortunate as Karyn was not in either of her usual spots, at the computer or in the kitchen. Derpy concluded that she was probably sleeping in again and went to confirm this, but when she poked her head into the bedroom, she saw the bed made with no room for a sleeping figure under it. Indeed, the apartment was uncharacteristically well taken-care-of, and Derpy nodded in silent approval. But where was Karyn? The sound of a rapping at the window brought Derpy back to it, but looking outside she saw nothing. It was her ears that gave her the first clue. “Psst! Derpy, up here!” She rotated in place to see Karyn hanging out of the upstairs window. “Hey! What are you doing?” “Come around to the front door.” Derpy went back the way she came and flew around to the staircase in the front. Before she could knock, Karyn opened up and let her in to the double-height room that was Gayle’s art studio. “Is it all right?” Derpy asked. “Yeah, we’re the only ones here. I’m so glad you’re here finally. I’ve really needed someone to talk to.” “What’s wrong?” “Nothing too big, but the internet has been out all weekend, and I’ve just been going crazy. I didn’t realize how much I depend on it.” Karyn led her in to a breakfast nook off to the left where they could sit. “What do you mean, out? Can’t you fix it?” “It has something to do with the provider.” “Oh,” said Derpy. “But why are you in the big room?” “Well, a few days ago, Gayle asked me if I could do her a big favor.” A Few Days Ago “Karyn, could you do me a big favor?” asked Gayle. “What is it?” Karyn had been about to head out to class. “Well, you know I called for the cable to be repaired on Sunday, right? A chance to show some of my art and maybe sell some pieces came up. Some big rich honcho saw something of mine and wants me to bring more. It’s not a chance I can miss. I’m sure you want the internet fixed just as much as I do. Could I ask you to wait for the guy and let him in?” “Oh. Sure, yeah, I can do that. Of course your show is more important.” Gayle breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks. It’s the usual thing where they’ll be there between nine and three. I’ll leave the front door open and you can wait in my apartment since he won’t know to come to the side. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Um, unless you’ve got something to fix the internet?” She extended her finger and made a zapping motion.” “Ha, no. I’m learning technology, but I can’t just zap it.” “Right, it’s probably one of those things where magic and tech don’t mix.” *** “Anyway, that’s why we’re in here?” “What do you mean, that’s why?” asked Derpy. “All you said was that she asked you for a favor, then you assumed I knew the rest.” “Oh. That was weird. I remembered it all and thought I was telling it. Anyway, the point is that we’re waiting for the cable guy.” “I see. When’s he coming?” Their voices echoed throughout the cavernous room, and with Derpy visible Karyn was glad for once to be able to talk to her friend without any concealment. “He’s supposed to be here between nine and three.” “What?! That’s a big window!” “Well, there’s a reason for it…unless you’re talking about where the north light comes in?” Derpy laughed. “No, I mean, why can’t they just give you an appointment for a specific time?” Karyn sat up straight and spoke in the voice she reserved for oral presentations in class. “They don’t know how many service calls they’re going to have to make in a given day. There might be an emergency like a downed line where it’s affecting a hundred people instead of just one. So they give everyone that window of time, and then when the day comes, they plan out the best route for each service technician. If they gave out timed appointments, they could wind up sending someone all the way east, then all the way west, then all the way east again. “What bothers me isn’t the lack of appointments. It’s the fact that, once they know which tech you’re getting, they can’t just give you tracking information on where he is and where you are on the list. They do that with a pizza delivery, so why can’t they do it with cable service? Heck, you can even go on an airline’s website and see where a given flight is and when it’s supposed to land. The trucks could all have GPS trackers and make the position public. I wouldn’t complain even if I was last on the list because I would know.” “Maybe that’s something you can introduce when you’re a big-name tech person.” Derpy stretched her wings and flew around the room, happy to have the space to do it. “So what do we do till he comes?” “We wait.” With nothing else to do, they sat around the apartment. After a few minutes, Karyn said, “How’s Dinky?” “Good! Good. I still hear from her every week, and she hasn’t mentioned going around with any other stage magicians. She’s back in school. Princess Celestia is so patient with her.” “Do you still get reports from the princess?” “Not directly,” said Derpy. “I should probably set up another conference with her, but I’m just so busy, you know?” “I think that she might be a little busy as well.” “Oh, good point.” Karyn thought of something. “How do you pay for Dinky’s schooling? Do you pay for it yourself, or does it come out of the treasury?” “I don’t pay specifically. I know there are some wealthy ponies who like to give endowments, or sponsor some particular student, but when that happens Princess Celestia doesn’t assign the money any particular way. She just spreads it throughout the school. And of course the parts that she teaches, she doesn’t have to pay for. It would be silly for her to pay herself.” “That’s a monarchy thing. Here, a school president or chancellor or whatever has to have a distinct salary for accounting purposes." Derpy nodded, and took some time to digest Karyn’s view. At last she said, “And how’s your family?” “Mom and Dad? Pretty much the same. Still working hard. If I have an issue with them…well, never mind.” “No, come on, tell me. We have nothing better to do.” Karyn resigned herself. “All right. See, when I was in high school, my folks would always be pushing me to study harder and apply for colleges and such. I think them pushing me so hard was why I pushed back and planned not to go, just to stay with Mike.” She watched Derpy’s face for a reaction to her old nemesis, but there was little. “Once everything fell apart and I had to really buckle down, my parents and I reached a kind of equilibrium. But now that we’re getting to my third year, they’re starting to push again, this time to start looking for jobs, or at least internships.” “And you don’t want to?” “I just really want to get some stability in my life.” That brought on another conversational lull, until Karyn decided that it was her turn. “How the kitty cat?” “Muffinhead? Still a ball of energy. Thankfully he hasn’t shown any more desire to be a father. He and Opal are happily separated and liking it. I see some of the kittens from time to time. They’re still at that stage where they’re not quite cats yet, all that kitteny softness and curiosity without being cynical. “He does eat a ton.” “Speaking of which, I’m really hungry. I skipped breakfast because I was eager to get up here.” As if she had triggered it, Karyn’s stomach growled. “Didn’t Gayle say you could help yourself to what was in the fridge?” “Yes…wait, that was in my flashback! How did you know that?!” Before Derpy could answer, she was racing for the kitchen. The refrigerator that Gayle owned was a fancy one complete with fake wood paneling. The whole kitchen was a mishmash of décor, but the fridge could have come from an expensive house. Derpy pulled it open. “Oh,” she said. “What, ‘Oh’?” “I don’t think Gayle’s a vegetarian.” “Oh.” The fridge was indeed laid out with lots of cold cuts and ready-to-heat meat-based meals. Karyn shut the door and headed back. “I just figured an artist would be a hippie-type who wouldn’t eat like that. Who knew?” “So what do you think?” “Maybe we can run out quick for breakfast? The guy probably won’t come while we’re out.” Derpy reared back and adopted a shocked expression. “Of course he will! Don’t you understand how things work? If there’s an unknown time of arrival for someone, and you leave, that will automatically be the time that that person comes!” “I don’t think it works that way. Wherever he is, that’s where he is.” “No. Right now we’re hanging between two quantum universes. If you go out that door, a wave will perpetuate back in time to arrange his route such that he will come to the door as soon as you are out of range. If we stay here, the wave will set him up so that he won’t come during the specific time that it would take you to return.” Karyn shook her head, but at the same time she was curious. Derpy was from a world of magic. For all she knew, estimates like that might have an actual basis in science, or at least in a way that could be studied. “Would it work if I went out and left you here to watch?” “Only if I were able to talk to the guy. If you trust me to do that, go ahead.” “Why don’t we just order in?” They agreed that it was the best course of action, but she didn’t know of any order-in breakfast places. “What if,” said Derpy, “I went out instead. Are there any places where they give you the food without looking at you?” “I don’t think so. What’s going to happen is that we’ll keep dithering about it for long enough that breakfast time will end, and we can just get pizza or something.” They sat back down at the table, and Karyn drummed her fingers as an ancient grandfather clock ticked away the minutes. Derpy had no fingers to drum, so she drummed her feathers instead. “Speaking of school,” she said. “Were we?” “Were we what?” “Speaking of school.” “Yes, when you asked about Dinky.” Karyn waved her hand to indicate that Derpy should continue. “How is yours?” “My classes? In and of themselves they’re good. I still like the English one best. The professor knows I’m an IT student taking it as an elective, so he’s not too hard on me. All his wrath goes to the English majors.” “I guess that’s fair,” said Derpy, “if you’ve had to take the attention of your IT professors when the English students get off light.” “Most of them don’t bother to take IT classes for electives. I don’t even know what they do with those. Maybe they look for the really easy pseudo-classes.” “Like what?” Karyn thought of newspaper articles she had read, and she wanted to bring one up to read, but of course she had no internet. “They always talk about classes in video game appreciation or the study of Harry Potter or The Simpsons as examples of how higher education has gone downhill. Maybe some school will run a class on Equestria someday.” “But that wouldn’t be a frivolous class, since we’re genuinely a different culture that is worthy of study.” “You have a point.” Once more they drifted into blank stares and the semi-sleep that accompanied the boring day. When the sound of a passing car jerked Karyn out of reverie, she tried to say something to keep awake. “So how’s work been? If you can ask about school, I can ask about work.” “Well, this is just my opinion—not even an opinion, more of an evaluation—but I think there’s gotten to be more mail on a day-to-day basis. But there aren’t more ponies getting the mail. It seems to me that that’s a good thing. If ponies are mailing more, the post office will make more money, but if there aren’t any new ones, then we don’t need that many more carriers. It just means a heavier bag for me.” “That’s really insightful,” said Karyn. “You have a lot of time to think when you’re carrying. At least I do.” “Maybe that means they can afford raises. You should ask Mr. Mintsuguar for one.” Derpy shook her head. “I couldn’t do that. It’s just so much easier to cut costs down to what I’m earning.” To Karyn’s mind, this was a sign of cowardice, but she didn’t want to say anything that harsh. It was another one of their differences. Karyn had no fear of being turned down, whereas Derpy was a shier pony. “It’s been getting warmer.” “What’s that?” Derpy sat up. “Each time I come. You guys don’t wrap up winter, you do it gradually. But I’ve been noticing each week that we’re breaking out of the cold.” “That’s true. It would be nice if we could point to one particular snowfall as the last of the season, but there’s no way to know. I’ve seen years where it’s snowed all the way in late April.” “Wow.” “I know, right.” Just at these platitudes promised to bring the conversation to a halt once more, the sound of chimes echoed throughout the spacious room. Karyn recognized the chime from Big Ben, but she hadn’t realized that it was Gayle’s doorbell sound. “Ah! That must be the guy. Finally.” She raced to the door, but instead saw a young man in a bright red uniform. “Got your pizza,” he said. “Pizza?” “Yeah.” He held up a wide square box. “OK. How much do I owe you?” Money was exchanged, and she brought it in. “Derpy, did I order a pizza?” “No, I did. You went to the bathroom before, and I figured since you’d said it’s what we’d wind up doing that I should take the initiative and get it myself.” Karyn was about to accuse Derpy of something, but she couldn’t figure out what, and in any case the smell of the pizza combined with her hunger made it too difficult to think. “Good job,” she said. The ritual of finding plates, re-cutting the pizza—since the pizzeria had only run it through with the slicer casually—,eating a pair of slices apiece and wrapping the rest in foil, then washing the dishes took up a significant amount of time and did serve to alleviate their boredom somewhat, but it did make Karyn nervous about something. “It’s getting close to three o’clock. The probability that there’s some screwup is increasing. Maybe this address isn’t in the GPS that they’re using, or maybe when Gayle made the appointment they didn’t take it down properly. I wish I could call to confirm.” “Why don’t you?” “Because I wouldn’t want that done to me.” Karyn was getting her second wind now. “When I’m doing support, I know that what I want is for the person I’m supporting to just hold tight. I’m doing everything I can to take care of them as fast as possible so I can close the case and move on. They need to know that and show patience. Also, hang on.” Her phone was buzzing in her purse, and she pulled it out and swiped it on. Derpy listened to her half of the conversation. “Hello…yes, everything’s fine, but the guy…oh, he is? Great! Sure, see you around.” “What’s up? “That was Gayle. They just rang her phone to let her know that he’d be here in ten minutes.” But again they heard the Big Ben chimes and Derpy went into hiding while Karyn opened the door. There at last was the cable guy. “Hi, are you Gayle?” Karyn figured it would be easier to lie than to try to explain. “Yeah.” “OK, got the word that your service was out. You know where the jack is?” She hadn’t looked for it, and was about to panic, when Derpy bumped her and picked up her arm. “It’s there,” she said, now pointing behind a couch. The tech walked around and plugged something into the cable jack. Not knowing what else to do, Karyn sat at the table. “Hm. I’m going to have to check outside,” he said, and walked out. “Thanks for the assist.” “No problem. I didn’t know why you pretended you were Gayle, but since she would know where the jack is, I had to help you out.” Karyn walked to the door and peered through the smoked glass to see him working. “She might not. A lot of people forget. But it’s better that I know. I’m just glad this guy left some equipment here so he’s not just going to run out on us.” “Would he do that?” “Probably not, but why take the chance?” They sat back at the table, but now at least they had hope that soon they would be free to have fun. A few minutes later the cable guy came back in. “Good news?” she asked. “Well, it’s fixable. You see, you’ve got just our internet service, not TV. So we have to put a block on the line to filter out the TV signal. That failed, so it was blocking out everything. I’ll have to put a new one on, take me ten minutes.” Karyn blinked. To her it seemed a waste of resources to send out a signal and then block it at the end, but that kind of networking was still foreign to her. She made a note to bring it up in one of her classes. “All right, go ahead.” He stepped outside once more and walked to his truck. That gave Derpy another chance to speak. “That’s not a very good idea. It’s the opposite of a fail-safe. They should make it so that, if that block fails, everything gets through instead of everything being blocked.” “In the first place, that’s the kind of thing that people would exploit to get service for free. In the second, it might actually do that, but sometimes a failure doesn’t mean that a part stops working, it means that it works too well. Especially with electricity.” When the tech came back in, he said, “That’s taken care of. You should be back up. Sign here please.” He held out a clipboard, but Karyn shook her head. “I want to test it out first. Just give me a moment.” She didn’t have her laptop with her, and while her phone could check for wi-fi, it was inefficient, and she couldn’t tell easily if it was finding the house wi-fi or someone else’s. She considered running out to her apartment to get the laptop, but again Derpy came to her rescue, flying it in through a back window at the wrong angle for the tech to see. Karyn walked over and plugged it into the modem. “The lights are on the modem—“ the tech began. “Oh, good, it connected. Now I’ll sign.” She scribbled something that looked like it could start with a G, but it was five more minutes before he packed everything up and returned to his truck. Once the engine sounded and he pulled out of the driveway, Derpy turned visible. “Is it all right?” “Yes! We are free!” “Great. Now you can do everything you’ve been wanting to do on the Internet all week.” “True,” said Karyn, “but first we’d better make sure that there’s no evidence of a pony lying around to tip off Gayle, and then head back up to my place. It’s better if we do things up there, because I don’t know when Gayle’s coming back.” They did as she suggested and moved the session back to the side apartment. Once there, Karyn put the laptop back on the charger and attached the network cable. “Welcome back,” said Derpy. “I don’t talk to my computer like it’s alive. Unless you were communicating with Derpynet.” “Ha, no. Anyway, now that you have the network back, what do you want to do?” Karyn stared at the machine. She checked her e-mail. There were some sites she thought of going on, but mostly they were time-wasters. “What I really want to do is to get my day back.” “Well, we can do that. Let’s go back to Equestria.” “No, I didn’t mean that. But why not? Even if it ages me a little, I think I’m owed some time for the way the cable company dragged out that appointment.” Derpy gave her an open-mouth smile and knelt beside her to mount up. “Besides, the Internet will still be here when you get back.” “Yes, but I hope it’s not one of those things where not having it for a few days makes me not want to do it again, like I’ve passed some kind of detox or withdrawal. I like playing on the net.” Getting out her spell, Derpy warped to Equestria, and Karyn got the rare opportunity to see it in the waning daylight. “So what do you want to do here?” “Honestly, just relax. Even though we’ve done nothing all day, it’s still tense to have to be waiting for something. Let’s go to your place and watch the sunset. And then we can watch Princess Luna raise the moon.” “Suits me fine.” Derpy landed, and at a leisurely trot headed for home. As they came upon the house, they saw a solitary figure pacing around the porch. Eager to see who it was, Derpy quickened her pace. Although the low sun made seeing details difficult, by the shape of the body it could only be one of four ponies in Equestria. “Princess?” Derpy called, hedging her bet. “Derpy!” It was Twilight’s voice. “I figured that you would be back around this time…but is that Karyn with you? Is anything wrong?” “No. We’ve just spent a long and boring day together, and we want to have a little fun, so I’m extending the day for her.” “Oh. That’s fair, I suppose. Well, anyway, do you have a guest lined up for next week?” Derpy looked at Karyn, who shook her head. “Not that I know of.” “Well, then I’d like it to be I. Me? I?” “You’d like it to be you,” said Karyn, counting on the pronoun being the same either way. “Yes. I’ve gotten reports from Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Applejack about the times you’ve taken them to Earth, and I’d like to be the next.” “I’m sure we can arrange that.” “Is there something specific you want to see?” asked Derpy. “No, no one thing on Earth.” Karyn heard the qualifications, and she wondered if Twilight wasn’t hiding a double meaning. But if she was, Karyn wasn’t going to get it out of her. For her part, Derpy hadn’t noticed anything awkward with the phrasing. “Well, we’ll find something fun and interesting for you,” she said. “We did for everypony else.” “Great. I’m looking forward to it.” “So am I.”