//------------------------------// // Double the Trouble, Half the calories. // Story: Equestrian Jeopardy // by CosmicAfro //------------------------------// The producer walked backstage to see what the commotion was about. There, in the dressing room, was an infuriated Alex Trebek ranting ceaselessly about something to do with the guests. With a gentle knock, Trebek’s boss walked inside. “Something the matter Trebek? You’ve been in here far to long for commercial breaks.” “I can’t do it anymore! I can’t keep that stupid stoic attitude on stage!” A lamp crashed into the wall, shattering into a thousand itty bitty blue shards. “Alex, listen, I know you’ve been doing the show for a long time, so how about this? You go out there, finish this episode and you can get a break next week. Also, I won’t dock your pay.” Holding his fist in the air, he paused as he considered the thought. “No pay dock?” “No pay dock.” He unclenched his hand, lowered his arms and recollected himself, wiping sweat off of his brow from his “unprofessional tantrum”. With a swift combing of his mustache, he replied, “alright, I’m in.” ~~~ The camera man received a sudden cue to re-zoom back onto the stage. He honestly didn’t think Trebek would return after what had happened, but a cue’s a cue. The lens centered the host, appearing completely calm, as he continued the show. “And welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy: Doubles edition. We would like to apologize for my sudden leaving last session but as you can imagine, having chili pepper juice sprayed on your underwear isn’t exactly… comfortable.” “Oh let’s face it Trebek, at least you were hot in the pants while staring at a woman for once,” Sean Connery interrupted. “I bet you had that saved in a vault, Sean.” “As a matter of fact I did, Trebek. As a matter of fact, I did.” “Right, well, yes, Sean Connery is here, but let me re-introduce the contestants. First we have teacher Ms. Cheerilee and Twilight Sparkle who would probably be in the lead if they weren’t making out the entire time. They’ve accumulated zero points.” “Mmmph, MMmm!” A loud thump vibrated through the stage as the two disappeared behind the podium. “Quite… Next we have Gilda and Flutterbi- err, fluttershy in second place with negative three thousand points.” “Yeah yeah yeah mustache,” the griffon ordered, “just get on with it.” “When someone introduces themselves over you, make sure they get a clue!” Fluttershy raged, smacking a pail over the griffons head. They too began a fight, completely hidden behind the double podiums. “This is why I have stress lines… Last we have, quite unbelievably, Sean Connery and Trixie who are in last place with negative forty thousand points.” “You say in last place dearest Trebek,” the showmare inclined, “but the Great and Powerful Trixie cannot lose at something that has no point.” “That, and it’s been tremendous fun answering everything with ‘what is Trebek’s mother!’” Sean added with a hearty laugh. They hoof/hand bumped and laughed in unison at the disgruntled host. “Truly, a force worth reckoning with.” His face lightened as a thought occurred to him. “How did you two even come to terms, Mr. Connery?” “Well Trebek, after our last fight, we both agreed that you were the catalyst to our dilemma; so when we heard there was a doubles round, we allied together to take you down.” “The Auspicious and Renegade Connery has been quite helpful in helping Trixie rise to fortune. As of now her stock prices are rising by making a fool out of you dear Trebek. When I’m done, the only thing they’ll call you, is loser.” “ Let’s avoid all this nonsense and get straight on to the catagories.” “Straight? That’d be a first for you, wouldn’t it Trebek?” they said in unison. “… right, the categories are: ‘Potent Potables’ ‘Things your dad might say.’ ‘Ping-Pong’ ‘Famous bloggers' ‘Kings of England’ ‘Identifying circles’ And ‘ Trebek, go suck your own-‘ Ok, who replaced the sign with that profane noun?” “Replacing things is easy when you have magic on your side, dearest Trebek. But I didn’t make it, the Auspicious and Renegade Connery had it specially prepared for the occasion.” The griffon was on the floor, laughing with a black eye while the butterscotch pegasus propped her hooves on her side of the table, unamused. Twilight and Cheerilee would have added something, but a rhythimic pounding suggested that they were up to more… passionate affairs. “But, uhm, could we please get them a room please?” Fluttershy squeaked. “Why Fluttercry? Can’t handle a little intense romance?” Trixie jested. Another hand to hoof bump from G.A.P Trixie and A.A.R. Connery. Her assistant wasn’t much support as the arrogant griffon continued chuckling. “If someone laughs in your face, show them their place!” Another fight ensued. “Right… Since everyone else is occupied, I must reluctantly give the board to Sean and Trixie. Your pick, you two.” “We’ll take that last category, dear Trebek.” “Ok, how about we take “Identifying circles” for four hundred instead. Is this: A circle?” *Bring!* “yes, Mr. Connery?” “What is, your mother’s tit?” Hoof to hand bump. “I’m sorry but that’s incorrect.” *Bring!* “yes, Ms. Sparkle.” *Bring! Bring bring-br-br-bring-bring!* “Mr. Trebek, uhm, their buzzer fell on the floor and uhm,” Fluttershy stopped as a rush of blood flowed to her cheeks. *Br-b-b-b-b-b-bb-brrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing* “Wow, I didn’t know Twilight had it in her,” Trixie admitted. “She had something in her alright,” Sean added with his laugh. “Ok, this is just enough!” Trebek suddenly announced with rage. “We’re going to final jeopardy, this is beyond ridiculous. I pity whoever has to host the next episode. The final jeopardy is: “Draw a food.” I don’t care, I really don’t.” The infamous song played for a few moments as ponies and Sean drew their jeopardy. When it was over, Trebek walked over to the first podium. For the first time this episode, the couple actually spoke. “We’re sorry, Mr. Trebek,” Twilight started, “I-I just don’t know what came over me- err- us.” “Trixie has a few ideas…” “This episode wasn’t… public, was it?” Cheerilee questioned anxiously. “No, we stopped broadcasting this episode about five minutes after you started making out. The producer deemed it… too risqué for public viewing, though due to contractual obligations, we were inclined to finish the recording. This will go on as one of those unmarked episodes that very few people will ever see.” “Oh thank goodness.” A sigh of relief escaped her muzzle. “So, let’s see what you two drew.” “What, is that exactly?” the host asked, befuddled. “I drew a corndog,” Cheerilee replied. “I drew two cherries. Sorry that they kind of… overlapped,” Twilight finished. “I… see… at the risk of not going to see the wager, I’m moving on. Actually, no, Gilda and Fluttershy are still beating the daylights out of each other, though they seem to be fighting it out in the air now. So, that leaves us with Sean Connery and Trixie. Let’s see what you two drew.” “A joke is not a food you two. But… let’s see the wager anyways. It can’t get any worse.” “I stand corrected…” “A brilliant punchline Ms. Trixie.” “A wonderful start, Mr. Connery.” “Thank god this episode is finished…”