“...Do you know why I always smiled, no matter how tough things got for me?”
“...W-why?”
“You. It was because of you—I mean, Big Macintosh. That stupid idiot.”
“...Whut? Really? But first, could you back off on--”
“Quiet.”
“...”
“I saw you--him working when we were both colts. He looked so happy, so carefree. I envied him, I really did.”
“...”
“No, it was more than that. He was my idol. Everything went right for him, like it was meant to be. I thought if I just smiled, then I would be like him; I-I thought things would start going right for me. So whenever I couldn't do something or broke something, I smiled and just kept going like he did.”
“...Ah loved that smile.”
“...Big Macintosh didn't seem to notice. I guess he was too busy.”
“Mel--”
“Just shut up. It wasn't just that smile, I also didn't cry because of him. Not even when I was alone! He seemed to have no reason to cry whatsoever, so I mimicked him. Put both of those together and you get a seemingly sweet pony who never lets anything get at him. That's how what I wanted ponies to see me. That's how I wanted him to see me.”
“Ah did see you--”
“SHUT UP. You have no right to talk to me after everything that happened. But anyway...I guess that's the thing about smiling, though. Even if you don't mean it, you feel better when you do it. I was just almost happy...I guess I tricked myself into making the most of it, into being as sweet as caramel. But I wasn't sweet. I was just a bitter, worthless reject that ruined whatever he touched. Smiling didn't make me a better pony or make my life any better, and that's still true today. Don't even try to contradict me.
"But you know what I did? I kept smiling! I kept smiling because it helped me forget that I was failing every class in school because I couldn't turn in half my assignments! I looked at him and smiled because it helped me forget that my own father wouldn't look me in the eye at dinnertime, no matter how much Mom and I begged him to! And I fucking smiled because it helped me pretend that Mom and the other doctors weren't losing their minds trying to diagnose me correctly.
"...And I didn't cry because it made me feel better about how I had burned every single bridge to success there is without even trying. I didn't even shed a tear when Mom died because it made my dad proud of me. I didn't shed a tear when he moved away...because I had no tears to shed.
"Big Macintosh was the only thing that made me smile like I meant it. He made me feel like...like I wasn't completely helpless.”
“...*sniffle* Mel...”
“But then I met you. You made me cry more in four days than I had done in my entire life. You remind me of just how horrible my life is constantly. Every time I look at a damn horseshoe, I remember how you turned my entire existence into a joke at that competition. And you know what? I...I forgive you for that. I do. But what I can't forgive is how you were ready to just leave me hollow and broken after trying to make me hate myself AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT UNTIL NOW!”
“WHOA, WHUT?! Ah wuz NOT tryin' t'do that, not even at th' START!”
“OH, SURE! Make the klutz look at how awesome you are at everything and how he can't do anything! NOTHING BAD CAN COME FROM THAT!”
“...Baby, Ah had no idea it would hurt you, AH SWEAR!”
“THAT'S WHY I—no. I don't hate you. I can't. That's the worst part. You're so thoughtless and greedy when you used to be so wonderful, but I can't hate you even now. It hurts...it hurts so much...WHY?! WHY DID YOU ABANDON ME?!”
“AH DIDN'T ABANDON YOU! AH SAVED YOU! WHY...why're you fretting over what mighta been? Ah did see you and Ah didn't like whut Ah saw; Ah saw mah reason t'live in tears an' Ah wuzn't afraid anymore. Baby, all Ah know is Ah love you, please just--”
“JUST WHAT?! JUST PRETEND MY ENTIRE LIFE NEVER HAPPENED?! PRETEND MY FUTURE IS CLEAR AND BRIGHT WHEN IT CAN'T BE?! DON'T INSULT ME!”
“AH'M NOT INSULTIN' YOU! AH LOVE YOU!”
“IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE!”
“YOU HAVE NO REASON T'DOUBT ME!”
“YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT, DAD!”
There was nothing more to say.
Caramel walked toward the barn, and Macintosh walked toward town. Neither felt they deserved to be anywhere else. Applejack was gone.
I don't know who he is. But he's not my dad.
It hurts so much.
Well, Ah wuz wonderin' whut Ah am, an' now Ah know.
Ah'm evil.