//------------------------------// // Chapter 11. Oh, Crap // Story: H'ven Sent // by otherunicorn //------------------------------// In front of me were a row of valves, positioned over a trough, each labeled with what was available on tap. It didn't qualify as a bar though, because no pony would deliberately drink the shit that was on offer here. Oh, I was being literal. These valves were sample points for the various stages of effluent processing that was going on in this giant vessel, the Biomass Processing and Reserve Facility No. 4. The rightmost tap was theoretically potable, though, as it was marked as being an outlet for purified water. I wondered what my food converters would make of that. There was only one way to find out. I extracted all three of my food generators, even the broken blue one, although after looking at it, I put the blue one back into my saddlebag. With its innards exposed, I didn't want it getting fouled up. I placed the pink one under the valve for purified water, and ran some water into it. As soon as the generator's bowl was full, I flicked off the valve, and leaned forward to see if anything noticeable had happened. A feminine voice spoke into my mind, much like my comms unit did, but this time is was actually the generator communicating. "This water is fit for consumption. The source is pure," it stated. Okay, so the generator didn't attempt to turn water into food, not that it would be possible. I stuck my muzzle into the bowl and slurped up the refreshing, completely tasteless liquid. Ah, that was good; just the way I liked my water. I pushed the generator under the next valve, this one labelled "Filtered, unpurified water." Okay, so this was the liquid portion of the effluent. I filled the generator bowl again. "Purifying water," the generator announced. "Storing biomatter for later use. The water in the bowl may now be consumed." It sure was a chatty little thing, wasn't it? The green food generator had been silent when I had tried it, but then, given the situation, maybe it hadn't needed to say anything. I wondered if it would say anything about this stuff. I placed it under the outlet for "distributable biomatter" and filled it with the strongly colored liquid that issued forth. It said nothing, producing another bowl of greens from the liquid 'browns'. Well, I guessed I was giving it more or less what it expected again. I pushed it aside, still laden with edibles, and moved the pink generator under the outlet. As soon as I shut off the flow of processed effluent, the contents of the bowl transformed into something else. I wasn't sure what, though! I lifted both generators out of the trough, and placed them on the floor, where no more biomatter could drip into them, or onto my nose as I tried to eat from the bowls. It looked like both food generators were offering me a full meal, even if I wasn't sure what the pink one contained. It did, however, smell delicious, so I tried some; it tasted just as good! Perhaps it was some sort of fruit with which I was not familiar, something that was not available from any of the food generators I had regularly used up in the city. After a few decent mouthfuls, I turned my attention and mouth to the green food generator's bowl, and was somewhat distressed to find out there wasn't anywhere near as much in it as I had recalled. I ate a few mouthfuls of the leaves it was offering, then turned back towards the pink generator. Damn, the same thing had happened again. I finished off what was left, glancing across at the green bowl as I did. Each time I swallowed, the equivalent amount seemed to vanish from the other bowl. Ha! The bastards! There was no way to cheat the food generators into providing me more food than I needed. Each constantly offered me what I needed, on a bite by bite basis. Where the vanishing food had gone, I didn't know. Curious to see what would happen, I put the generators back in the trough, and filled them again. In the green one, the biomatter just vanished into it for a few moments, before the flow was stemmed by the valve mysteriously closing itself. The pink one behaved in much the same manner, except to inform me that its reserves were full and that it had shut off the valve. I seriously hoped it wouldn't try to "shut off the valve" when I was depositing my own waste biomatter into it. That would be... uncomfortable. What about water? Would it try to control the amount of that I could consume too? After all, water contained no calories. Moving the generator under the appropriate outlet, I filled its bowl with water. "This water is fit for consumption. The source is pure," it stated, exactly as it had before. The bowl remained full, allowing me to drink the water. So water was not rationed. Good. While I was there, I refilled my water bottles, then packed them and the food generators, which now felt a little heavier, into the saddle bags. I supposed understanding how the food generators behaved counted as solving a mystery. I had also learned the secrets of funerals, and what became of garbage and other bio-waste in greater detail than what 4J2 had told me. It was time to move on again. I had been in this area for too long, especially if the facility's computer had checked with central about my qualifications. Hmm, I wondered. The computer had answered my other question. I approached it again, sitting before it. "Computer, what are my qualifications and how did you check them?" I asked. "A scan of your body confirmed that you were qualified," the computer replied, then fell silent. That was it? The whole answer? "What data is assessed to determine qualifications?" I tried again. "The scan of your body was compared to preset parameters saved within the scanning unit," the computer responded. "It was found to meet the scanning unit's programmed requirements." "But what are those requirements?" I tried again. "Unknown," the computer responded. "The scanning unit predates this computing unit." Okay, so it sounded like we had a unicorn's horn wrapped in some sort of script hidden within the door's scanner itself, and unicorn's horns didn't appear to have a longevity problem. Whatever the scanner's parameters were was coded into that script. In other words, I had no bloody hope of working out what they were. Unicorn's horns may have been able to handle basic tasks, as per those of the food generators, but they lacked any intelligence. Their behavior was entirely down to what somepony had encoded into the script that controlled them. The up side of this was the scanner had not contacted anypony when I had opened the door. I checked that I had everything I owned on me, then walked out of the facility, through the door, still open since I had first entered. As soon as I was clear, the servos kicked into action, and lowered the door shut behind me. It was time to descend to the lower levels again. Modifying the shape of my rear hooves again, and extending my fingers, I mounted the ladder and began the climb down. By the time I was on the third step down, I heard the echo of hoofsteps. I froze, moving my ears about in the hope of determining from which direction anypony would be approaching. I soon heard voices, muddied by sound reflections. They sounded like were coming from the level with the door into the facility, the floor I was leaving. I quietly began my descent again, feeling relieved when my head was below the level of the floor, and thus, out of sight, well, out of sight until they got closer and decided to look down the ladder. I was a floor lower down when the ponies above had come close enough for me to make out what they were saying. It sounded like it was a cyclic conversation, where neither involved would back down, and both constantly restated their position. Some pony needed to push their pause button. "But I tell you, the vibrations we detected were consistent with the door being opened," one pony stated. Ah, they were some ponies from a company such as the one I had worked for, investigating disturbances detected in the lower levels. I didn't think our equipment had been sensitive enough to detect an opening door, though! I had certainly never been sent to investigate one. Usually, my investigations had resulted in the discovery of a substantial crack in some structural element. Sometimes the disturbance was just some old piece of loose scrap falling with a mighty bang, and one time it had been the major structural collapse that had ultimately led to my current set of problems. They were getting closer: so close in fact that I could hear them without straining my ears. I continued my stealthy descent, though being quiet was really slowing me down. I contemplated stepping off the ladder when I reached the next floor, and moving out of sight. "Look. The door is closed," the second of the ponies above said. "I can see that from here. We are wasting time. No pony has been able to open that door in decades." Good. With that attitude, he might turn his buddy around, and leave. Who was I kidding? "But we have recorded evidence that somepony or something does open it from time to time," the first insisted. "We must be missing something." The sounds of their hoofsteps grew louder, then ceased, indicating they were practically above me. Great. Just great. Please, don't look down! Please, just go away. "I really don't care about your records," the second pony stated. "As long as whatever is inside the facility keeps doing whatever it is supposed to do, we don't need to worry about it, and according to the indicators on the system monitor back at Central, the facility, it is functioning correctly. "A single green light under a label on a monitor board that is several miles from here does not fill me with confidence. And what if that light goes red?" "Your confidence is irrelevant! It will probably open the door itself if maintenance is needed." "Then why the hoof scanner over the door controls? That alone implies ponies are meant to access it from right here," the first pony stated. I heard the button next to the door being pressed. I paused, listening for the response from the scanner. This was getting interesting. "Please wait while your qualifications are verified", the panel voiced, and after a few moments, it spoke again. "Access denied. You are not qualified to enter this facility." So, I was qualified while the two ponies above were not, yet I figured our jobs must be similar. Did it scan our brains for our abilities? No, I didn't think it did. Logic implied it scanned the hoof I had placed on the button. After all, that was where the scanner was mounted. Then again, the food generators scanned all of a pony. "And just what are these bloody qualifications?" the second pony spat. He was clearly becoming annoyed at his companion. "We've tried engineers, technicians, ponies with degrees in all sorts of things, and it always rejects them." I sneezed. Oh dear. That did it. I may as well have yelled "I'm hiding down here!" Immediately, two heads appeared above me, peering down. "Excuse me, I don't know what that brought on," I said, and began climbing down again. "Stay right there, missy," the second pony, the harsher one, commanded. It was hard to be certain in this limited light, but he appeared to be black or dark grey, with a blonde mane, and, presumably, tail. While they had seen me, it didn't mean they had caught me. For all they knew, I could have legitimate business down here. "And who the hell are you to order me around, buster?" I responded. If he was going to be informal, I bloody well was going to be, too. "Go about your business and leave me to mine," I instructed. "I am an inspector with Central," he barked back. "You will do as you are told." "You understand rank? Good, then you will do as you are told. Show your superiors some respect," I growled back, climbing down another rung. "Identify yourself now!" the dark pony ordered. "That is classified. I suggest you shut up, look away and forget you ever saw me," I responded, "or you will regret you ever did." That was true, even if not from the angle I was playing. "Stay where you are. I want proof of your claims," he tried again. Stubborn, officious bastard. I'd have to play on what I knew of Central from my recent stay with them. I knew they had at least one deniable center of operations, and I expected that was something most Central staff were not informed about. "Your equipment detected the door opening, didn't it?" I said, echoing back to them what I had heard them discussing. "You were in there?" the other pony, this one with a deep red coat, asked. "Of course I was in there. Why open the bloody door if I wasn't going to go in? Now turn away and leave. Discuss this with no one," I tried again. Neither moved. This pair were determined, one out of curiosity, the other obstinateness. At the rate things were going, I would have to choose between trying to run for it again, or risking them trying to contact those that actually knew about me. Perhaps I would fall back on option three: crack some heads. "You have access to the facility, and seem to be able to come and go as you please, yet I am an inspector from Central and know nothing of it. If this is really the case, kindly explain why I don't know any of this?" "Duh! It's classified and you are a mere inspector. It's more effective to let you lot wander around thinking no one knows about how to get into these places than it is to admit we do know what is going on and that we aren't prepared to share it." It was an interesting lie, and one that I hoped would get him thinking. Then again, maybe it wasn't as much of a lie as I thought. I had got into the facility. And thinking about it, not even Central's deniable branch knew what was really going on. It didn't even matter if this inspector fellow was a part of their secret society; this bluff should work. The fellow nearly exploded at the suggestion that he was a lesser member of Central. Oh well, so much for that idea. "Get your worthless female ass up here right this instant!" he barked. "Oh, so you are a sexist as well as arrogant and stupid?" I asked sweetly. If getting into a total tizz was what he wanted, I'd be glad to help. "You'd better come up, miss," the red pony said over the other ponies ranting. "You will regret it for the rest of your lives," I warned him, climbing up. "And why would that be?" he asked. "See for yourself," I answered as I cleared the floor they were on. I launched myself off the ladder, over the safety rail and onto the floor beyond their reach. "Sweet Luna!" the red pony exclaimed. "It's one of those things..." the black pony practically screamed.