I am a banana.
I say that partly because I like taking off all my clothes and diving into bowls of Muesly™, and also partly because I think I'm going soft as I get older. You see as I was sprawled out on the cartoon grass looking up into the eyes of a gibberish speaking bubblegum pony with no idea where I was or how to get home if it was at all possible, the only thing I could think of was, "D'awww."
And I don't know why, maybe it was my gloomy day good mood, or Bubblegum's anime eyes staring into the very space a soul would occupy if I had one, but that cartoon-y-ish pony-Thing™ was the most adorable thing I had ever seen.
If you tell anyone I will personally thrust my fist through time and space into your house and push everything one inch to the left, so you end up bumbling around and bumping into everything like a stoner who just became hyperaware of his own two feet.
Anyway, I pushed myself up onto my feet and turned my attention to Bubblegum, giving it a scratch on the head while saying, "D'aww, look at you!"
And Bubblegum, surprisingly, began to nuzzle (I'm assuming "her") head into my hand and said, "Rwy'n falch does neb yn siarad Cymraeg"
"Yes, you are," I said obliviously, oddly entertained by the language barrier between us.
But then, quite suddenly, Bubblegum reared up on her back hooves and wrapped her two front legs around me in a skeleton-crushing hug that squeezed so much blood into my head I forgot to wonder how it was possible for a horse to bend this way. "Bite y gobennydd, dw i'n mynd yn sych" she said with a happy smile.
"I have absolutely no idea what you just said," I responded, nodding and smiling.
Thankfully, Bubblegum let go of me and allowed my internal balance of blood volume in the various extremities to return to equilibrium. Unthankfully, Bubblegum then took my hand, somehow managing to grab it with her hoof, and dragged me off in one direction. Obviously, I resisted, and for a moment it was liking leading the horse to water with a splurge of role reversal. But I gave in a moment longer with a sigh. Maybe this talking piece of Bubblegum can lead me to other pieces of Bubblegum that speak English, I reasoned. It seemed farfetched, but next to the chance of being sent through a wormhole by something that looks like God created in his infancy days, it seemed about as sensible as assuming a baseball bat to the crotch would hurt.
So I allowed Bubblegum to lead me away, and after no time at all I found myself being dragged through an entire town of gibberish speaking pony-Things™. There were ponies of every shape, size and COLOR. For expletive's sake, the colors! The town looked like the lovebaby of Elton John and Clay Aiken puked rainbows all over everything! And what made it worse was the fact that everywhere Bubblegum lead me, ponies were turning their heads and babbling in confusion as if I was the odd one out.
Which was probably true, given I saw no hint of humanity in any square inch of land within a five mile radius, save the buildings, which looked startlingly well constructed for the builders not having any thumbs (Hooray for evolution).
But still, I felt strangely conspicuous and self conscious, which was quickly replaced with burning contempt, that a bunch of garish talking ponies could make me feel bad about being a human! If I wanted to feel bad about being a human, I'd just go to Walmart for thirty minutes.
Nevertheless, Bubblegum lead me on fearlessly, turning back at me every once in a while and saying, "Rwyf wrth fy modd godineb!" and then continuing on as if she was mother expletiving George Washington crossing the Delaware avenue towards Walmart.
But I didn't object, partly because I couldn't explain to Bubblegum that I'd rather bumble around the town full of pony-Things™, peeping into showers and jumping out of closets while reciting Amazing Grace with my undercarriage wrapped up in a shower curtain, and also partly because I was honestly curious about where she was leading me so urgently.
And I must admit, out of all the locations that I could think of that a cartoon talking pony-Thing™ could build (chiefly among them was an enormous set of table and chairs, a communal water trough, and a semi-annual lettuce festival), I don't think I would ever guess it to be a building literally built into a tree, like something that jumped out of a WoW server and rubbed itself in a pile of fantasy books, wanking with a copy of the Hobbit and then diving into the dreams of an online mmorpg addict.
Still, I was curious to see the inside. That didn't last long.