//------------------------------// // The Game. // Story: Texas Hold 'em (And Other Various Adventures) With The Humans of Equestria // by Master Lyra //------------------------------// “Ante’s five bits.” The eight figures pushed five bits into the pot, waiting for their cards. Small conversation was made. “Second?” “Yeah Connor?” “How’s…the taking over the world thing going?” “Hmm…good enough I suppose. I think it could be better. The Elements of Harmony making a bit of a problem, you know.” “…I see. Still kind of a jerk move though. Taking over the world is kind of…storybook.” “…” “Harmony got your tongue, Second?” A different voice chimed in. “Shut up Josh. That wasn’t even funny.” The momentary bickering was stopped when the first hand was dealt. Everyone looked at their cards, with varying reactions. “Josh, you’re wearing a bad poker face.” “Kyle…you’re such a freakin’ nerd.” “What?” Someone else asked. “No no no… not you Kyle… the Kyle who’s a brony.” “Umm… that’s me too…” “Erm… the Kyle who has an affair with Rainbow Dash.” “Umm…” “GRAH! Never mind! You know what I mean-“ “OBJECTION! No I don’t. But I do see something else; you’re clearly the killer!” “What?!” (Listen to this) “It’s obvious! You’ve got no alibi! And I have all the proof I need!” Kyle Bucy produced a stack of papers and pointed at it pointedly. It was obviously blank. “Kyle?! What the hell are you talking about?!” Kyle Bucy shook his head. “You don’t see? I’ve got you cornered! Give it up, Josh Schwartz! Or should I say: Joshy boy?!” Josh was shaking. “How…how did you know that nickname?” Kyle Bucy slammed his hands on the table and pointed at Josh. “I have a witness of the murder! I call-“ Kyle’s papers were set on fire suddenly. He dropped then and hopped around savoring his burned hand. All eyes turned to a unicorn. “Heh. Can we play poker now? I can’t listen to crap all night.” “Fiery… you’re right. Let’s play.” Second smirked. “I was fed up too.” The dealer sighed and shook his head. “Connor starts the bet.” “Seven bits.” The man said as he put in his bet. *cough*pussy *cough* “Okay, who said that?!” Connor demanded. “Fiery.” Everyone with a brain and a set of ears said. So this excluded Author. “Wow. Thanks for ratting me out guys. I *belch* do sooooooooooooo much fer you guys an’ what do I get? Nothin’. Absolutely-“ He fell over with a thump. He was clearly drunk off his ass. “Damn. Can we get a clean-up on Aisle 6?” Kyle said like a clerk at a store. The dealer sighed again (not a good habit) and went over to the drunken pony. He dragged his sorry ass to a couch, laid him there, and returned to his seat. “Okay, now that that’s done… your bet Second.” “Of course Coal. I see your seven bits and raise it twenty-three, for a total of thirty bits.” “High rolla!” Someone piped in. “Author… just go write a story or something…” Author: I already am. “Wh-who said that?” Kyle Bucy asked. Author: I am legion, for we are many. “He’s using the speaker, guys.” Kyle unplugged the speaker. “Shoot. FOILED AGAIN! I would have gotten away with it to if it weren’t for you meddling kids!” Author said in a mock-adult voice. “Author, sit down, and play poker or I’ll get Coal to make you.” Second warned rather non-menacingly. Using someone else as a threat works like that. “…okay.” Author sat back down, crestfallen. “Um… Kyle your bet.” “BRILLIANT! Let’s do this; LEEEEEEEROOOOYYYY JJJEEEENNNKINS…all in!” “All in?!” Everyone asked disbelievingly. “All in.” He leaned back in his chair. “Dis gon’ be good.” With renewed determination, everyone looked at their hands. “How many bits is that, Kyle?” Coal asked. “Two hundred my dear fellow.” “Whoa. Okay then. Your bet Kyle Bucy.” “Hmm… I fold.” He gave in his cards. “I’m going to get something to drink.” And with that, Kyle Bucy left the game. “Alright then. Josh, your bet.” Coal stated. “Ugh…” He looked at his cards nervously. “Um… CLIFF!” “What?” Josh jumped out the window. “Hm. Must have cracked under the pressure.” Second observed. Coal sighed and left the room after Josh. The break had begun. “So…Connor…how’s life?” Kyle asked casually. “Oh? Fine…fine.” “… So how’s Fluttersh-“ “I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON HER! NO WAY NO HOW!” “…okay? I’m glad I asked…” Kyle awkwardly walked away from the nervous wreck. He looked at his conversation options: Second, the depressed Author, and the snoozing Fiery. He decided to just sit and wait. Second looked mischievously at the unplugged stereo. He sneakily plugged it back in and picked up the microphone that was attached to it. Heh heh heh. He tapped the microphone. “Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard When we drink we do it right gettin’ slizzard Sippin sizzurp in my ride like Three 6 Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6” Everyone who remained looked disbelievingly at the jamming Second. Connor groaned. “Like a G6, Like a G6 Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6 Like a G6, Like a G6 Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6 Hell Yea Drink it up, drink-drink it up, When sober girls around me, they be actin’ like they drunk They be actin’ like they drunk, actin-actin like they drunk When sober girls around me they be actin’ like they drunk” Despite the circumstances, Second was actually pretty dope on the mic. Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6 Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6 Like a G6, Like a G6 Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6 Like a G6, Like a G6 Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6 By now Coal had returned with Josh (who looked pretty beat up) and was giving the oblivious Second a blank stare. Hell Yea Drink it up, drink-drink it up, When sober girls around me, they be actin’ like they drunk They be actin’ like they drunk, actin-actin like they drunk When sober girls around me they be actin’ like they drunk Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6 Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6 Like a G6, Like a G6 Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6 Like a G6, Like a G6 Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6 Kyle and Author joined in. Somehow rave lights shined across the room. It’s that eight-o’eight bump, make you put yo hands up Make you put yo hands up, put put yo, put yo hands up It’s that eight-o’eight bump, make you put yo hands up Make you put yo hands up, put yo, put yo hands up Hell Yea, make you put yo hands up Make you put yo hands up, put put yo, put yo hands up Hell Yea, make you put yo hands up Make you put yo hands up, put yo, put yo hands up Poppin’ bottles in the ice, like a blizzard When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard Sippin sizzurp in my ride, in my ride, like Three 6 Now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6 Like a G6, Like a G6 Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6 Like a G6, Like a G6 Now now now now now now I'm feelin’ so fly like a G6” “…” Second sat down and looked at his cards. “Come on. Let’s play.” Everyone just stared for a second, shrugged, and sat down. They had all seen worse. Somehow Fiery was still asleep and Josh had passed out. “Umm…I call the bet.” Coal said, pushing in his two hundred bits. “And Josh and Fiery fold automatically.” “I call it too.” Author said, now more confident due to his performance. “Erm…I need to go to do um… something that doesn’t involve Fluttershy… I fold…” Connor said as he left, half running. “Okay. Second?” Coal asked. “I call.” Second stated. “The flop.” Coal showed the flop. It was an ace of spades, a two of diamonds, and a king of hearts. “Damn. That’s awful.” Kyle commented, now re-looking at his cards. “Your bet Second.” “Hmm… I check in favor of Kyle.” “Okay. Kyle can’t bet… so Author?” Author: What a 4th wall breaker. “Author… stop.” Coal growled. “What?” I’m just sitting here.” They looked and sure enough, Author was sitting there without the microphone. “Then…who was that?” Author asked, quite scared. The microphone was unplugged, probably yanked out during Second’s song. “I’ve heard weirder things than that from Pinkie. Let’s just go… Author?” Coal shrugged. “Hmm… I check also.” “Alright. I-“ ”OH NO! AN EVIL DEMON IS TRYING TO KILL US ALL! WE NEED SOME HELP!” Coal sighed and put down his cards. “I guess I’ll go take care of that. Make sure Fluffy gets her food if I don’t come back.” He picked up his giant sword, and looked it over. “It could be worse. It could be spewing lasers out its-“ “OH DEAR GOD! IT’S SHOOTING LASERS OUT ITS EYES! AND I THINK IT JUST ATE SOME KID! OH SWEET JESUS! NOW IT’S LITERALLY CRAPPING OUT BOMBS! HELP!”  Coal just sighed and left the room, crying a little on the inside. “Wow. What a soldier.” Author commented. “That’s because for us it’s a giant laser shooting demon who craps bombs, but to him it’s Tuesday.” Second theorized. “…probably.” “I’ll deal.” Kyle said as he picked up the deck. Only Second, Kyle and Author remained. “The turn” It revealed a three of diamonds. “Heh. Three diamonds. Like Rarity’s flank. Heh.” Kyle commented, chuckling like a forever alone teenager. “I check again.” Second knocked on the table nonchalantly. “Me too.” Author and Kyle said at the same time. They shared a look then looked away feeling weird. “Okie dokie lokie… awkward penguin… the river.” Kyle stuttered. He flipped over the last card: a queen of clubs. “Is that… a straight?!” Second asked, thoroughly flabbergasted.  The whole thing showed an ace of spades, a two of diamonds, a king of hearts, a three of hearts, and a queen of diamonds. “Nope! Chuck Testa! The ace can’t be used high and low.” Kyle explained. “I see.” “Second?” “I check again.” “I check also. Author?” “Mhm.” Things were tense. A total of six hundred and forty bits were on the line. Even Kyle and Author didn’t crack a joke. “Author. You show.” Kyle ordered. “What?! Why me?” “I dunno. Just do it.” Author hesitantly flipped over his cards to reveal two aces. “DAYUM GIRLLL! That’s a good hand!” Kyle commented. “Heheheheh. HAHAHAHAHAH!” Second bellowed. “Um… you okay bro?” Author was a little hesitant to say anything after his little outburst. “Yep. I just won six hundred bits biatch!” Second flipped his hand over to show he had a four and five.That made a low straight. “I’ll be taking all this, thank you.” Second scooped up the money. Suddenly, Kyle Bucy burst out of the bathroom. “Oh gawd that stinks… I mean OBJECTION!” Second stopped, surprised. “You have yet to see Kyle’s hand! He could have a better hand!” “What? No he couldn’t…unless...” Second’s eyes widened. “NO! HE COULDN”T HAVE-“ “A royal straight.” Both Kyles said in unison, while Kyle flipped over his cards to show a jack and a ten. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I NEVER WIN ANYTHING!!!” Second cried, while running out the door. “I told you that this was gon’ be good.” Kyle said, high fiving Kyle Bucy. Suddenly, the whole house toppled over. The three looked at the giant demon standing there, screaming and firing lasers and pooping bombs. “I’ll go check on Fluffy.” Kyle said, already running.