The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 11 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Distractions
Chapter 90 Twilight Sparkle Vs. Discord Redux
-ooooooo-
“Soo… A giant, undead dragon…” Twilight said, interrupting the tense quiet of the library.
Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Spike sat quietly in the library as they stared at the one who had just concluded his story. Fluttershy trembled from under a chair as she stared out at the speaker, as if the piece of furniture would somehow protect her from the scary things mentioned in his epic yarn.
“A Dracolich, actually,” Discord said as he held his lion paw up matter-of-factually.
“I thought you said that was his name,” Twilight replied.
“I did,” Discord replied, “or rather, HE did. However, he’s also the first dragon lich, presumably… he very well might have coined the phrase.” Discord sighed. “His real name is probably insufferably long and full of ‘y’s and apostrophes and also lost to time itself… You know, something cliché.”
“Question!” a bright, bubbly voice rang out.
The group turned towards a mirror positioned in front of a window.
“Yes,” Discord responded, “question from the bruised, cheery pony, turned human, turned pony, turned human, turned pony, turned human…”
Pinkie sat next to Dan on the edge of the couple’s bed wearing her vest outfit and cutoff jeans. The couple also sported a number of day-old bruises including matching, black left eyes. “Do you know…”
There was a quick ‘Snap!’ of Discord’s talon and a ‘Poof’ as Pinkie turned into a pink pony once more, the change doing little to hide her apparent injuries. “… turned pony…”
“… for sure…” Pinkie continued, apparently unfazed by her transformation.
‘Snap!’
‘Poof.’
“… turned human …”
“… if the …”
‘Snap!’
‘Poof.’
“… turned pony …”
“… Dracolich …”
Dan smacked both palms against his face as the ponies and baby dragon in the audience began to groan.
‘Snap!’
‘Poof.’
“… turned human …”
“… is a …”
‘Snap!’
‘Poof.’
“… turned pony …”
“… he?” Pinkie asked.
Discord paused mid-snap and stroked his beard. “Huh… you know… in all these hundreds of years, I’ve never thought to question that.”
Dan parted a couple of fingers on one of his hand so he could stare out at his now pony girlfriend with one, irate eyeball. “Goofball, how does that even matter?”
“Well what if we have to engage the Dracolich in conversation?” Pinkie asked as she motioned out with her forehooves.
Fluttershy let out a small “Meep” as her trembling intensified and covered her eyes with her forearms.
Pinkie continued, “Wouldn’t it be awkward if we’re all ‘Hey, evil, undead dragon dude! Please stop annihilating our fellow ponies with your negative energy breath’ or whatever… and then SHE’S all like, ‘Excuse you but I’m an evil, undead, dragon dudette!’?”
Dan removed a hand from a face and held up a finger. “Okay one: That’s dumb.” He held up another finger. “Two: You’re dumb for suggesting it.” He held up a third finger. “Three: We’re all dumber for having to listen to it.” He held up a fourth finger. “And four, ‘dude’ is sort of gender-neutral at this point anyhow.”
“What if it’s not gender-neutral for dragons?” Pinkie countered.
Dan uttered an irritated growl as he returned his palm to his face and shook his head back and forth.
“Did you have to do that?” Twilight asked as she motioned out towards Pinkie.
“Why, I was just showing how easy it was,” Discord replied as he smiled wide.
‘Snap!’
‘Poof.’
“Human!” Discord cried.
“Although,” Pinkie began as she rubbed her hand against chin, “I guess I could have used…”
‘Snap!’
‘Poof.’
“Pony!”
“… a better example.” She finished, now rubbing her hoof against her chin.
‘Snap!’
‘Poof.’
“Human!”
Twilight sat back on her haunches and folded her arms around her chest. “I get it,” she said with sullen expression.
‘Snap!’
‘Poof.’
“Pony! I’m not sure you do, Princess…” Discord replied.
‘Snap!’
‘Poof.’
“Human! If you did…” Discord continued.
‘Snap!’
‘Poof.’
“Pony! …you would have came to me sooner.”
“How many times do I have to say ‘I’m sorry’?” Twilight cried.
“So, that don’t hurt any?” Applejack asked Pinkie.
“So ‘what’ don’t hurt any?” Pinkie replied.
“Tha whole… 'being turned back and forth between a pony and human' thing,” Applejack said as she held a forehoof up in the air and spun it around.
“Naw,” Pinkie replied. “It just tingles a little. I think I even stopped noticing the last time Twilight did it and…” Pinkie looked out at her forehooves and inhaled a huge volume of air. “I’m a PONY again!”
Dan sighed, and removed his hands. He kept his eyes closed as he pinched the bridge of his nose with a thumb and forefinger. “Sparkler, could you…”
“On it,” Twilight said as her horn glowed purple. She fired a beam of magic through the mirror that quickly turned Pinkie into a human.
Pinkie giggled. “Hehe… Purpley!”
“Human!” Discord said as he materialized a tally sheet out of thin air and added another tick mark to it.
“Thanks, Twilight,” Dan said.
Twilight smiled at Dan. “No problem.”
The ponies on the other side of the mirror gasped.
“Oh man!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Did Dan just call Twilight, ‘Twilight’!?”
“And Ah think Twilight actually smiled at Dan!” Applejack pointed out.
Spike chuckled. “Yeah, after those two bonded over the last few days they’re like this now,” Spike said as he crossed two claws.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash stared at Dan in disbelief.
Pinkie giggled as she placed her hands on Dan’s shoulders. “Yep! Twilight and Dan helped each other out and now they’re bestest buddies!” she declared.
Dan and Twilight shot each other a quick glance through the mirror and shrugged. “Eh,” they said in unison.
“Oh Dan,” Fluttershy said, “I’m so proud of you.”
Dan rolled his eyes and sighed. “See this is why I’m not nice to people or ponies. Everyone has to make a big deal out of it.”
“Geez!” Rainbow Dash cried. “Is the world coming to an end, or what?”
“It very well could be, darling,” Rarity said flatly.
The group went uncomfortably silent before Discord wrapped his lion’s arm around Rarity’s neck and placed his face down at her level. “Oh, don’t be such a worry-wart, Rarity,” he said.
Rarity glared at the Draconequus.
“I mean”--Discord motioned out with his eagle talon--“just because TOK sent out a godlike, powerful, undead dragon, a horde of gremlins, some trolls, a poisonous wasp thing made out of other”--he waggled his talons a bit--“smaller wasp things to this world, all because they were mad with how I ran things, doesn’t mean they’ll do the same because Dan and Pinkie ran amok of the one place they thought they were perfectly safe…”
Spike rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m reassured…” He muttered.
“What Ah don’t get is why they wouldn’t attack Pinkie an’ Dan again,” Applejack said.
Discord stood upright and arched his body over so he stared up, upside-down from the floor at Applejack. “An excellent question from the pony in the fashionable hat.” Discord flicked Applejack’s cowboy hat with his lion paw, causing the headwear to spin enough to fly into the air a few inches before it fell back in place on her blond-maned head. He then twisted his head so he that it was now right-side up, though, backwards in relation to his already twisted body. “If TOK could see these two dead…” Discord rolled his paw and talon back and opened them palm up towards the ceiling, revealing a pair of miniature tombstones; one that read, ‘Dan Mandel, R.I.P. JERK, Burning the Pearly Gates as you read this.’ And another that read, ‘Pinkamena Diane Pie, Beloved Friend, Party hard every day and don’t let a small thing like physics get in your way.’ “… which they most certainly want at this point, they’d have sicked their pets on the two and be done with it,” Discord said as the tombstones proofed back out of existence.
“Maybe they’re scared…” Fluttershy suggested from her position under a chair. “I mean… if erm… if we brought something we thought that was harmless into Ponyville, and it suddenly started causing mayhem, we’d probably leave it alone and never have anything to do with it again…”
Spike faked a cough. “Cough…parasprites…cough.”
Fluttershy flashed an embarrassed look at the dragon as her butter colored cheeks began to turn red.
“Spike!” Twilight said in a chastising tone.
“What?” Spike protested. “We were all thinking it.”
“I was thinking about ice-cream!” Pinkie declared.
“I was thinking about how I could better avoid your right hook,” Dan said.
“Whoa!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “so you two got those killer bruises in some sort of lover’s quarrel!?”
Twilight sighed. “That’s remarkably accurate.”
“Oh my!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “You two should know better than to get violent with each other to solve disputes!”
“Yeah…” Pinkie said sheepishly, “there probably are better ways to figure out who loves who more than surprise, bareknuckle fighting.”
The group paused briefly as they contemplated Pinkie’s response.
“Wow pardners… that seems… uh… remarkably counterintuitive,” Applejack said.
“That’s what I said!” Twilight chimed in.
Discord looked towards the mirror. “You two wouldn’t happen to be adopting, would you?” he asked in a surprisingly earnest tone.
“Oh, sweet Celestia, no!” Twilight cried.
“What’s the big deal?” Spike exclaimed. “I mean, they were just love taps,” he said as his straight face broke into a grin.
There was a brief pause followed by groaning from the ponies present and laughter from the humans and Discord.
Discord twisted his body around so it was now facing the same direction has he had as he wrapped his arms around his stomach and began rolling on the floor, laughing.
“Heh… Nice one, A.A.B.,” Dan said. “Interdimensional fist bump,” he said as he placed his fist against the mirror.
Spike walked briskly to the mirror and slightly tapped it with his fist before collecting a high (or rather low, in the Draconequus’s case) five from Discord.
“Can we please stay on topic, everypony?” Rarity pleaded.
The group paused and looked at Rarity, many considering her role of keeping the group focused slightly unusual given that Twilight usually kept things in order.
“Uh… sure Rarity,” Twilight said. “So… about TOK not attacking Dan and Pinkie…” Twilight said as she looked up at Discord.
“They might be scared…” Pinkie said. “I mean… we did kill and maim an awful lot of them…”
Discord stroked his beard with his talon and pondered the Pinkie’s words. “No, I don’t think so… perhaps you frightened them enough that they don’t want to attack you directly, especially not on Dan’s planet. I’d imagine they’d at least whisk you back into The Nexus.” Discord looked thoughtfully at Dan. “You may have surprised them with your abilities at first, but they have eons of existence in the Nexus under their”—Discord's bottom half turned cloudy and blue—“nonexistent belts. Anyhow,” Discord continued as his lower half rematerialized to its normal, mish-mash of animal parts, “I doubt they care about any of the creatures they keep on hand enough to hesitate releasing them. It’s far more likely they can’t attack you somehow…”
“Well, I did shred that stupid portal of theirs,” Dan said.
“Hmmm… indeed.” Discord replied. “Though, I destroyed plenty of those back when they attacked Equestria over a millennia ago… it certainly didn’t keep them out of the planet forever…”
“Maybe its pride,” Rarity said simply.
The group turned to stare at the white unicorn. Though by no means the chattiest of the group, she had said no more than a few sentences since Discord regaled the group with his victory over TOK and their minions. Though her uncharacteristic silence was disconcerting to many, the act forced everyone to pay attention when the she chose to speak.
“Oh… I get it…” Rainbow Dash spoke up, as she smacked her forehooves against each other. “Dan and Pinkie kicked their butts so they want a rematch.”
“You really think a group of immortal beings would be that petty?” Twilight asked.
Discord raised an eyebrow until it was stopped by the library's high ceiling. “Have you met many immortal beings who had a habit of letting past grudges go with ease, Princess?”
Twilight paused and considered the company she was in, as well as her own personal experience with other immortal beings. “Uh… I retract my statement…”
Discord outstretched his lion’s paw up all the way to the ceiling and placed a claw atop his eyebrow. He retracted his arm until eyebrow was back in place.
“Ya really think they’ll attack here then?” Applejack asked.
“Well… if they ultimately want to get at Dan and Pinkie and they can’t do it through Dan’s world, Equestria is the logical place…”
“Well,” Spike chimed in, “how come they haven’t done it already?”
Discord chuckled and shook his head, “My, my, this group knows how to ask the right questions. They’re probably busy scheming the exact, convoluted turn of events that will ultimately result in what they want,” Discord answered. “I’ve had over a thousand years to think about their attack on me, and it seems likely the never intended to dethrone me directly. Preferring instead to keep me occupied as they set in place the events that would eventually lead to my undoing.” Discord sighed. “Orderly, long winded… and ultimately ending in a rather boring imprisonment. Seems very much their modus operandi…”
Pinkie knitted her brow. “…Modem opera Andy?”
“It means ‘method of operation’,” Dan and Twilight said simultaneously.
The two exchanged a surprised look. “You guys have ‘Latin’, too?” They asked simultaneously. The both sighed. “Never mind…”
“Whoa… freaky…” Rainbow Dash uttered as she watched Twilight’s and Dan’s simultaneous exchange.
“Anyhow, here,” Discord said as he produced a sheet of golden star stickers, pulled one off with his eagle talon, and held out the small, shiny, adhesive item to Spike, “have a sticker.”
Spike took the small item and looked at it quizzically, “Uh… thanks.”
“I want a sticker!” Pinkie cried.
Dan rolled his eyes. “Goofball, you have a sheet of the exact same stickers you carry on you at all times.”
“Yeah, but those are for passing out to other people!” Pinkie replied. “I can’t give them to myself! Everyone will think I’ve gone mad with power!”
“Being a sticker sheet holder is a heavy burden,” Discord said as the sheet of stickers suddenly pulled his eagle talon to the ground with a loud ‘THUD!’, causing the limb to stretch and creating a hole in the library’s floor.
“I know, right!” Pinkie said as she nodded her head.
Dan just sighed and shook his head.
“HEY!” Twilight protested as she glared at the hole and then back up at Discord.
Discord snapped his fingers and suddenly a small, purple, accent rug bearing Twilight’s Cutie mark appeared over the hole in the floor. “Oh, just keep a rug over it. No pony will ever notice.”
Twilight sighed. “You know what, I’ll just fix it myself.”
Discord chuckled, “Like you were going to turn Pinkie back, yourself?”
The group went quiet as Twilight wordlessly glowered up at Discord, her face becoming increasingly red.
“Hey!” Rainbow Dash cried as flapped over to Discord and placed her face inches from his. “Leave her alone! Maybe if you weren’t such a slimy snake all the time, she’d have come to ya sooner!”
Discord grinned mischievously. “Snake? No my dear, THIS”—Discord reached into Rainbow Dash’s rainbow mane and pulled out a leopard patterned python that was many times longer than the pony herself—“is a snake.”
“Hmmph…” Rainbow Dash said with a smirk, “is that supposed to impress me? ACK!” Rainbow Dash cried as the snake wrapped around her with surprising speed. Taking itself and Rainbow Dash to the ground with a soft ‘Thud.’
“Not a wise idea to use the word, ‘impress’ around a python,” Discord said with a wicked grin.
“He puts on the best magic shows,” Dan whispered to Pinkie.
“I know, right?” Pinkie said quietly back.
Fluttershy bolted from her under her chair and went up to the snake. “Now, now. I know you’re hungry but we don’t strangle and eat ponies…” She said in a kind, maternal tone.
“HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” the snake replied angrily.
Fluttershy gasped. “Such language!”
“Getting… getting hard to breathe guys…” Rainbow Dash said as the snake constricted its body around her tighter.
“Discord…” Twilight growled out.
“Yes, Princess?” Discord replied as he pulled his lips up into a smirk.
Twilight sighed out in exasperation. “PLEASE remove the snake and fix the hole in my floor.”
Discord dropped both mischievousness and smugness from his smile. “Your wish is my command, Princess.” Discord snapped his fingers, and in a flash, both snake, carpet, and hole were gone.
Rainbow Dash inhaled a large volume of air as she shakily rose to her feet. Fluttershy and Applejack quickly rushed to help her.
“Are you okay, Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy asked.
“Cough… cough… Remind me to come up for some names for Discord that don’t involve animals,” Rainbow Dash muttered out grumpily.
Applejack chuckled. “Oh, I can think of a few already…”
“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie cried enthusiastically. “Dissy? John? Oooo! I know! De La-MMPH!”
“Heh, thanks Dan,” Rainbow Dash said as she looked through the mirror.
“Anytime, Art Project,” Dan replied as he held a hand over Pinkie’s mouth.
Discord leaned down towards Twilight and rubbed one of his lion paw digits under Twilight’s chin. “There. Was that so hard?”
Twilight shot Discord a glare. “Kinda, yeah…”
Discord stood up to his full height and chuckled. “All part of the learning experience, I’m afraid.”
“Well… ENOUGH prattle,” Rarity declared dramatically.
The group once again focused attention on the unicorn as she walked towards the library door.
“If WAR is coming to Equestria, then we should be preparing. If anypony needs me, I’ll at the boutique doing just that!” Rarity cried as she levitated open the library door and stepped outside, shutting the door behind her.
The group looked after Rarity all with the same quizzical expression on their faces.
“What’s with Prissy?” Dan asked. “I thought your world was coming to an end every few months over there.”
“Knowin’ Rarity,” Applejack begun, “she’s probably going to create matching battle outfits for everypony…”
The wave of chuckles and giggles made their way through the group.
“I don’t know…” Twilight said with a serious face. “She just suddenly got quiet around the time Dan talked about fighting TOK…”
Applejack frowned. “Well, that’s a fact…” she stated.
“Maybe I should follow her…” Spike suggested.
“Well… I guess she didn’t say she wanted to be alone, but…” Twilight replied.
“GREAT!” Spike exclaimed. “See you later, everypony, every human, and every whatever.”
Twilight sighed as a chorus of goodbyes rang out for the baby dragon.
“Well, I better get going, too,” Rainbow Dash said. “The REST of the Wonderbolts will want to hear about this.”
The no small amount of eye rolling and some chuckling, the group said their goodbyes to Rainbow Dash.
“Well, end of the world or not, Ah still have chores to do,” Applejack said.
“And I have animals to look after,” Fluttershy said.
Discord opened his mouth. “And I have…”
“You’re not going anywhere except Canterlot with me,” Twilight interrupted.
Discord sighed. “Spoilsport…”
The group bid farewell to Applejack and Fluttershy.
“What about you two?” Twilight said as she looked back at the mirror at Dan and Pinkie.
Discord smiled wickedly. “No doubt you two have to leave on some sort of exciting vendetta against a restaurant or shop that short changed you…”
“Huh… those were amazingly accurate guesses,” Dan said.
Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, but we have an intervention to attend first.”
“Oh?” Discord asked in an interested tone.
Dan sighed. “Yeah, my friend, a.k.a. the human garbage disposal’s eating habits have started to get ridiculous even by his standards.”
Twilight nodded at the bruised and battered pair, “Have fun at your intervention- I MEAN- Chris’s intervention… not your intervention… just… uh… the one you’re going to … I meant.”
Discord looked down at Twilight as a grin spread across his face.
Pinkie simply giggled. “Hehehe… We will, Twilight! Bye-bye!”
“Yeah, see you later, Sparkler, Disco…” Dan said as he hopped off the bed and walked towards the door.
“OH! Disco! That’s a good name!” Pinkie said. She waved to Twilight and Discord, a wave that was returned as she closed the sliding closet door, causing the mirror to go dark.
Twilight quickly set the mirror to ‘MUTE’ and looked up at Discord.
The Draconequus was still smiling down at her.
Twilight opened her mouth to speak but was cut off as Discord placed a talon against her lips.
“No, no… don’t tell me.” Discord said with a chuckle. “I love surprises…”