Twilight breathed a sigh of relief as she shut her bedroom door and loaded it up with magical locks.
"*phew* It won't be able to get me here," she sighed in relief, looking around her bedroom and seeing Spike still laying in bed, "SPIKE! Wake up! There's a thing in the house!" she shouted, shaking the little dragon awake.
"Mhmmm, unhh, uhh, Twilight, don't you know that creepy things only happen at night?" the genre-savvy dragon retorted, rolling over in his bed.
"Which is why I showed up during the day, to fuck with your mind," Luke said from behind the door.
Really he hadn't come to make any creep-outs, he was just here to speak with the head of state in the area.
Still, after reaching Level 20 for both of his classes with another fifty years to live, he had picked up plenty of tertiary skills.
*sk-sk-sk-squeak-click* like lockpicking.
Using his unreal strength to open the door in spite of all the magical enchantments placed on it, he looked inside to see a small purple dragon and a still-small-but-not-as-small lavender-colored alicorn.
"Really? Another one? How many princesses are there? First there's my own, then that light heathen, then the pink one who I accidentally appeared in the same bathroom as, and now this magicky one!" he was getting tired of this shit.
"Did you just call Celestia a light heathen?"
"Hel-loooo, Knight of Darkness here, and that dragon looks familiar," Luke did a History Check.
*5 + WIS* "Eh, not really much resemblance," he gave up, looking out the window now.
"You're a very strange thing," the lavender alicorn noted, getting her ink, quill, and scroll.
"I'm a half-orc-half-human, I used to think that I was a rapechild and that my mother, unable to cope with caring for something so abominable, sent me to be raised by the military as a Knight," the large man recalled, putting his elbows on the windowsill as he gazed out at the happy ponies going about their day, "So innocent, so cheerful, almost naïve, this new world is amazing."
"New world? Are you some sort of extra-terrestrial?" Twilight prepared to write down as much as possible.
"No, actually I would classify as an ultra-terrestrial, because I didn't come from a different planet, I'm from this planet, but I existed ten millennia ago, when the Code of the Dungeon was the ruling law of reality. I'm from an ancient country known as Fantasia, if you want a clear picture of the kind of place it was, an excerpt from one of my adventures involves..." the giant Knight cleared his throat and turned to the studious mare.
"I'm listening, go on," Twilight assured, her quill at the ready.
"Me, a half-orc Knight wielding my goddess' hymen reshaped into a shield and a cellphone given to me by my goddess. Yolo Swaggins, a two foot tall half-kender-half-hobbit Rogue with a Bag of Holding that held a longsword, shortsword, and his Aero-Daggers, he wore seven gold chain necklaces. Hitoroki Batosi, a samurai Warrior with a double-bladed katana, heavy splint-mail suit, and Shironi mask, the White Devil, an eastern mythological beast. His brother Rya Huyubasu, a ninja with nimpo magic and a katana made of Bahamut's corpse, he also fought the God of Katanas. Talthos, the god of cats, he was twenty four million years old when I met him, he had six lives left when he departed from the group right before we left. So Yolo had just stolen a Helicopter key from a city thirty miles away from our current location, and I confiscated it and told him to listen to the republican debate happening in a ninja village, this was after we used our dragons, Blizzard and Vulcan, to chase after a stronger dragon that wanted to burn down the villages. After the republican debate, Hitoroki's cousin Rits got his shit pushed in because he had told Hitoroki's other brother, Otamio, that he could boil soda in the microwave, and due to the soda still being in the aluminum can, he burned down his samurai village and blamed Hitoroki, which led to him leaving, going to Crownsburg, getting drunk, and meeting us after we burned Talthos' public record to cinders. Then we found a portal leading to another dimension where people thought that splitting atoms could make a lot of energy, but how can atoms make a lot of energy when they're so small? Anyways, we stopped some Terror Mongers (Demolitionists) from blowing up an Atomic Power plant with the combined forces of five adventurers. Funnily enough, that wasn't nearly as ridiculous as some of the other shit we went through."
"Hold on, you said that there was you, Hitoroki, Yolo, Rya, and Talthos, but you said Talthos left, but then you went on to say that there were five of you, how were there five of you when it was just you, Hitoroki, Yolo, and Rya?" Twilight asked, this plot-hole was too big to be ignored.
"Well, the thing is... there was another one of us, a woman who... well... she looked a lot like you," he sighed, Tara's death was always a harder pill to swallow than the others', he had truly cared for Tara, "Her name was Tara Sparkle, she was the daughter of the Archmage of the Crownsburg Mage College. She was young and beautiful and a bit naïve, but she was innocent of heart and noble of intention, Lawful Good in one of its best examples. Sure she had enough magic to level the Power Plant to the ground, but she didn't use it, because she felt that it just wasn't right, after all, since the Power Plant was still running, then that meant that there were people who had jobs here, she wouldn't let an unknown so many people become unemployed because she raged out. I still remember the last time I saw her..." he sighed, war was hell.
"What happened to her?" Twilight sounded worried for this not-her-but-still-kinda-her.
"When I fell upon reaching negative HP, she tried to pull off a Limit Break and ascend to Level 21 to avenge me, but she failed the CON save and was blown to pieces, I saw her only once again after that, she read my eulogy at my funeral, then a moment before she had to leave, I returned, the last thing she ever said in life was shouting my name as holy energy ripped her from the Mortal Plane."
"Oh my, that's so sad,"
"I have already shed all the tears I ever will for that, I couldn't let her die for the both of us, so I pushed on and here I am... in Equestria, which......" Luke paused, recalling a-
History/Geography Check.
*8 + WIS* He recalled the flight-path that Luna had led him through, what is now Equestria was once...
Oh shit.
The ground trembled beneath them.
"This was once a horrid nation, its name strike terror in lesser men," the Saint drew his sword and vaulted out of the window.
"What's happening? Is this an earthquake?" Twilight panicked, she jumped out of the window and galloped after the Paladin.
"Worse, this is Cockapoopoopeepeeshire, home of constipated Gunslingers and tarrasques," Luke explained as he charged towards the Everfree Forest..
"Tarrasques? I thought those were myths!" the lavender alicorn saw a mountain in the distance visibly cracking.
"Ultraterrestrials, Twilight, they existed before you and haven't been seen for a long time, they are a worthy challenge." surprisingly, they were already in the forest, but it was too late.
The mountain broke apart and a huge best, about five stories tall, jumped out and landed in front of both of them with a deafening *BOOM*
"OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!" it screeched up to the heavens, waking and greatly irritating a few deities from the previous night's drinking party.
*16 + CON* Luke stood strong in the face of this quaking landing.
*15 + CON* Twilight was not so lucky, as she was blown back a good few squares.
INITIATIVE
*Luke 12, Tarrasque 2, Twilight 3*
"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, DEMON!" Luke shouted as he cast Starfield and Lightning Strike.
*3, 4* Over a dozen tiny stars appeared above the massive beast.
"The fuck is this shit?" it pondered, then it was struck by fifteen bolts of lightning, each dealing a good bit of damage.
Satisfied with that little bit of Cleric power, the Knight part came up, and he swung his 3-handed sword up and into the tarrasque's crotch, hitting it five times in its metaphorical genitals.
A helpful tip from Hitoroki before he had died, the Warrior had acquired a Monster Log, and told him that a headshot did five times more damage, but a crotch-shot did seven times more damage.
The tarrasque squealed like a gigantic little girl, but it was not its turn yet.
Twilight felt a sudden ability to act, thinking quickly, she prepared a fireball and launched it at the beast's head.
*4 + INT* A five-foot across ball of fire suddenly launched from her horn, she hadn't intended it to be that big.
The tarrasque was too big to dodge it, and took the ball of fire right to the face for massive damage.
"HAHA! GET WRECKED, SON!" Luke shouted up at it with a jerk of his neck.
Twilight waited for a moment, but the gargantuan monster stayed still, like it was waiting for its turn or something.
"Wait, that must be it, it's waiting for its turn to attack," she figured, and thought about what else she could do.
Luke looked at the alicorn over his shoulder, for such an accomplished Archmage, she didn't seem to have a wide variety of battle spells.
"Hmm, AHA!" Twilight recalled an extremely simple and basic attack spell.
Magic Missile.
74 Magic Missiles, to be exact.
The tarrasque, which had been on the brink of death, was now only a smoldering husk of spiky bones.
"Excellent work Twilight, I'll make a badass out of you yet," the Knight commended, pilfering through the beast's corpse.
An amulet, which Luke used Identify to find it to be a 'Call the Ancients' amulet, some sort of necromancy thing.
Next was a set of four pony-fitted greaves identified as Sleipnir's Thunder, +5 to STR, CON, and DEX per greave, a legendary find.
Finally there was a pile of copper coins, a quick count told him there were fifty in total.
"Methinks this fat bastard was quite the spender, put these on Twilight, I'm going to train you to be a Battle Mage," Luke casually tossed the greaves behind him.
Twilight was unprepared for the sudden item toss, and *BONK, BONK-BONK BONK* was hit in the head with all four of them.
"Oh, shit, right, you aren't exactly the most dexterous of ponies, are you?"
"I wasn't prepared for that,"
"Scouts motto: Always be prepared, I was never a Scout though, I was a Squire, then a Knight, and now a motherfucking Paladin, being Chaotic Good is so liberating by the way, I feel that now that I have everything I need, I can just enjoy life,"
"Um, so I'm wearing them, and I feel funny," Twilight slowly and hesitantly rubbed her belly with a hoof, luckily the greaves only covered her canons, leaving her knees and hooves free.
"Like you're going to vomit?" Luke knew the feeling of putting on CON altering equipment.
"No, like I've just suppressed the urge to vomit, but there's nothing to vomit in the first place," the stripe-maned mare gave a slight huff and looked up at the more physically-inclined adventurer.
"You need to eat heartily and train ferociously, that's what I did, and I can do this." Luke swiped off several branches of a tree with his sword and grabbed the trunk.
The studious princess watched in awe as the Paladin lifted himself completely horizontal, sticking out perpendicular to the tree, then lifting himself to be upside down as he hooked the spike-like toes of hit boots to the tree and lifted up, ending up standing whilst holding onto the tree, a dozen feet from the ground.
And all of this was done without using his wings.
"See, that's great STR and a mighty CON at work, training day and night is how I learned to fly in a week, well... that, and a book, I trained how the book told me to," Luke was always one to credit his sources.
Twilight smiled, she couldn't wait to rub it in Rainbow Dash's face that somepony could, indeed, learn how to fly from a book.
"So, let us fly back to town and I can debrief the civilians about my duties,"
"I... I can't fly,"
"How does one live with wings and not know how to fly?"
"I just got them last week, exactly six days, eighteen hours, twenty four minutes, and thirty seven seconds ago, I haven't fully figured out how to fly yet,"
"I will train you, in fact, my Knightly prowess would allow me two apprentices at once, do you know any other ponies that cannot fly?"
"Well, yeah, but let's just go back to Ponyville for right now,"
"I agree, by the way, where is your castle?"
"My castle?"
"Yes, royals usually have a castle, do you... wait, you were just appointed last week, well I shall, on the order of Princess Luna, assist you in becoming a proper royal, you'll be doing badass leadership shit and ruling over the area in no time," the Knight assured, looking ahead and seeing Ponyville in the distance again.
"I feel like I've just been dragged around a useless point and strung back home with false assurances,"
"Twilight, I'm hurt, the tarrasque would have destroyed Ponyville and killed all the ponies, including your friends, and my assurances are anything but false, this country is under my protective domain, you will rule it, I will guard it. By my blade and shield, Equestria will never fall." it was the most valuable Knightly vow he could make, the Vow of Blade and Shield.
"Those are powerful words, Luke, powerful words indeed, but with great power comes great responsibility, can I rest easy knowing that things won't go bump in the night or something?"
"Many things assume that the night will sanction them, but they are guilty of a grand assumption, and when you assume, you make an Ass out of U and Me. There is no mercy for the guilty." that was one of Luna's tenets, and he lived by all of her tenets.
"While I can't really agree with the obscenities, I have to say that that is... certainly... a... style of living." Twilight was at a loss of kind words at the moment, her mind was still reeling from this whirlwind of information and events.
"Verily, let us proceed, we've wasted enough time dicking around." Luke just didn't care about his foul language, when nobody ever judges you because they have no Lunadamned right to, you kind of stop caring about manners.
This last statement made Twilight stop walking, she simply watched the Paladin continue walking
"*sigh* It's liberating being Chaotic Good, would you not agree?" Luke stopped walking as well and faced Twilight.
"I can't really fully trust someone who openly and proudly claims to be chaotic."
"It's not as bad as you would think, Twilight, Luna is Chaotic Good, that's why I'm Chaotic Good. Many people think that Clerics, Bishops, and Paladins have to be Lawful Good, but why would someone who's Lawful Good serve someone who's Neutral Evil, or Chaotic Neutral, or Lawful Evil, or any alignment that isn't Lawful Good? They don't, a Bishop/Cleric/Paladin's alignment should match their deity. I do what I must to save the land, even if I must sacrifice some of it. If you cannot be productive, I will *knuckle crack* whip you into shape. Freedom and the right to live is something that is universal and unalienable, nobody should be forcefully subdued without reason. Governments should be fair and just, if not a fair and just government, then better to have no government at all! Sheep will go, on their own, to the promised land, if you lead them away from the cliff with the pointy end of the crook. These are things that define goodness of a chaotic type. Chaos is not evil, Evil is evil, Chaos is freedom as an alignment and change as an entity. Why, even the Trickster Gods are more of mischievous nuisances than villains, but that does not stop them from enacting their wrath upon those that cross them. Heed my words, Twilight, and you will know that Chaotic Good is the most Good of the Alignments, Lawful Good focuses too much on the need for obligation and justice, rather than enacting justice or instilling obligation. Neutral Good tends to act too Chaotic to be Lawful, but too Lawful to be Chaotic, they break some rules but follow others, it is a confusing mess of rubber and holier-than-thou attitude that irritates me to no end, I have probably slain about a quarter as many Neutral Good people as I have orcs, for I once believed that I was the product of orc-on-human rape, but rather it was consensual, and my father was the human, not my mother, my mother was a Bard named Pretty Margaret, she carried me to term despite me being the product of a night of drunken fun, and it was in that Night, and a hate for the daytime rape, that I became a follower of Luna... I have digressed from my point. My point is, Twilight, do not discredit Chaos. Chaos is a wonderful, wonderful thing."
Suddenly, Discord burst in from bum-fuck nowhere.
"I LIKE THE NEW GUY!" he shouted, adjusting his donut-monocle and taking a bite out of a real monocle.
Luke reacted quickly by spinning around and giving Discord a hard pat on the... snakey-body-thingy he has, what the fuck is that thing even?
"OOF, OH, GAH, OW, PAIN, PAIN IN MY APPENDIX," the draconequus complained as he clutched his now-aching midsection, fuck it I'm calling it a midsection.
"Don't worry, the appendix is useless, I think, don't worry, buddy, I take it you're a chaos spirit?"
"Discord, God of Chaos himself, in the flesh," Discord introduced, giving a worm-like bow and donning a cotton-threaded suit with one hand..
"I see, do you have a Staff of Egregious Luck?"
"I never leave my rock without it!" Discord tore off a piece of his cotton-candy-threaded suit and snapped his fingers, revealing that particular patch to actually be a hallow-gold staff topped with a softball-sized centahedron, or whatever a 100-sided 3D shape is called.
"Excellent, I think Equestria is quite locked-up tight, and as long as I'm here, the land is free. Nothing will get through me." Luke proclaimed.
He whipped around and threw a kunai attached to an ice-chain into the forest at lightning-fast speed, "GET OVER HERE!" he shouted, grunting in a small amount of effort as he pulled a hapless manticore all the way out into the open to be impaled on his sword.
Withdrawing the Ninjatic Blasphemy from the manticore's corpse, the Paladin turned back to see a leaf floating where Discord was a moment ago.
"Let's see, sayonara and arrivederci, new guy, signed Discord, ps, something wicked-cool this way comes," Luke read the message that had been scrawled onto the leaf.
"TWILIGHT! I'LL SAVE YOU!" Rainbow Dash shouted from up in the sky as she descended upon the massive armored man like an air-to-surface rocket.
Luke merely went into Defiance Stance, his special Adventurer's Battle Pose made back at Level 10, it consisted of him holding his shield up and his sword back, ready to block a hit and retaliate in a moment's notice.
Twilight couldn't bear watch as her old friend descended towards her doom and as her new friend prepared to make chunky salsa out of her old friend.