//------------------------------// // Back to Frickin' Square One // Story: The Doctor is In // by Weezil_Brony //------------------------------// ...This is the alien? Twilight thought incredulously. I expected something… different. “And why are they all deformed and colorful?” the creature questioned out loud, looking down at Twilight. He was much taller than her -or anyone else in the dead-silent group- standing at twice her height. “Did I land in a frickin’ toxic waste dump?” “Uh… hello?" said a cautious Twilight, standing her ground even as her voice was filled with anxiety. The alien immediately looked down at her, his eyes seeming to grow slightly larger and his eyebrows travelling half-way up his forehead. He raised a bony finger up to point at her. “...Buuuh…” was the noise that came from his mouth. “Um, yeah...” Twilight said uneasily. “So, first off, I’d like to welcome you to-” “Oh God the purple horse is talking,” he said faintly, standing up straight and pacing back and forth. “Why the hell is it frickin’ talking to me?” “Well,” Twilight began again, “we’re not horses, we’re-” “God damnit!” he then shouted spontaneously, walking back and kicking one of the pod doors shut, though it just flew back open. “Mustafa, what did your frickin’ pod do to me? Why am I seeing creepy midget horses everywhere?” He then winced, lifting his foot up and shaking it. “Are you alright?” Twilight then asked him. “No, Frau, I’m not,” replied the creature, who then set his foot back down and turned to face her. “Due to the incompetence of our Arab engineer, I seem to be suffering from extreme hallucinations.” Hallucinations? Is that what he thinks we are? “...Well, I’m sorry about that, mister, uh..?” she said, trailing off. He crossed his arms and stared at her, a look of irritation on his face. “Are you frickin’ kidding me here? You mean to tell me that after a measly thirty years, you can’t remember my name?” “Uh…” Twilight gulped, taking a couple steps backward. He’s been frozen for thirty years? “Well, I suppose it’s to be expected,” he said. “You’ve most likely grown quite old and decrepit. Things begin to fade from ones mind as they age.” “Wait, huh?” I don’t look that old, do I? “My name is Doctor Evil, Frau,” he stated. “Say it with me; Doctor… Well? Say it, Frau, you’re making me look like a frickin’ fool in front of the henchmen.” He gestured to the large group of ponies that surrounded them still. As his hand made its swooping motion, most everyone in the crowd flinched, which caused the alien to smirk. “...Doctor…” Twilight repeated reluctantly. “...Evil…” “Evil- Wait, evil?” Twilight looked up at the alien once more, eyebrows raised. “You’re evil?” “So you do remember me!” the doctor exclaimed, appearing pleased. “I knew you couldn’t forget your old employer.” “You’re…” Twilight took a deep breath. It’s okay Twilight, it’s probably only a name. I mean, he can’t really be- “So how goes the quest for world domination?” he then asked her. “Have we brought the world to its knees yet?” Her pupils shrank. Okay, so he really is evil. Great. “Uh, well…” She stammered. “I, uh…” Then, out of nowhere, Twilight heard a cat meow. “Ah, Mister Bigglesworth!” the doctor exclaimed, turning back towards the small cabin. “Come to dad-DAH WHAT THE HELL?!” He was taken aback as what Twilight thought was the ugliest cat in existence -a walking bundle of pink flesh with absolutely no fur whatsoever- jumped down out of the pod and trotted towards the alien, who held a fist over his mouth and an open hand towards the hairless pink feline. “What the hell happened to you?!” he yelled, crouching down and picking up the cat in his arms, stroking it. “What happened to your fluffy coat?” His face was one of lament and anger. “Where is that frickin’ imbecile?!” Oh, mayby that’s what those little fibers were! she thought. “Who?” Twilight inquired. “Mustafa!” he shouted. “That frickin’ jackass is responsible for all of this!” “...Who..?” she asked once more. He sighed, annoyed. “Okay Frau, I believe your age-induced dementia is getting out of hand. Are you seeing a doctor about it?” “What? No, of course not!” she said, irritated. I’m not that old! “Then at least promise me you’ll do a frickin’ puzzle or something every once in a while,” he said. “It keeps the mind agile.” Then, he looked back out into the crowd, before shouting, “Quit ogling me like I’m frickin’ Frankenstein and get back to work!” On that note, the crowd began to dissipate: some walking, some running, and some actually pretending to perform any sort of work that they could think of. All who remained were Twilight and her friends, who stood slightly behind her. The doctor sighed. “Where is Number Two?” he then inquired towards her. She gave him a clueless stare, and he groaned. “Number Two, where the hell is Number Two?” He was growing impatient. “...Oh!” Twilight exclaimed, a light bulb going off in his head. He must mean the restroom! Makes sense, being stuck in space for so long. “Uh, right inside there,” she said, pointing to the Town Hall. “The room directly on the left, I think.” “Oh, good,” he said, setting the cat down and turning towards the Town Hall -and the pod that crushed the steps to the porch. “Oh, frickin’ wonderful,” he muttered, before walking ahead and climbing -unskillfully- up the steps, straddling the guardrail for support. After a moment, he stood at the top of the demolished stairway, leaning forward and holding his torso up on his knees with his arms. And after a moment of rest, he walked towards the door and walked through, muttering something incoherently. “That’s yer alien?” Applejack questioned, walking up beside Twilight. “I-I guess so,” she said, stuttering a bit. This is our first contact? A clueless ape -with absolutely zero understanding of age perception- and his hairless cat? This isn’t quite as, well, exciting as I thought it would be. “Uh, did anyone else catch the bit about world domination?” Rainbow Dash said, her brow furrowed. “Clearly he’s some kind of supervillain, and he needs to be stopped!” “I agree,” chimed in Rarity. “If he’s to wreak havoc in our beloved town, then he simply cannot remain here any longer.” “Then it’s settled,” Applejack said. “Now, uh… how’re we gonna make him leave?” No one replied with words, but rather with puzzled expressions. “Really? Ain’t nopony got any ideas? What about you, Fluttershy?” The group all turned towards the yellow pegasus, which was currently holding and petting the purring shorn feline, oblivious to the stares she was receiving. “Fluttershy,” Applejack called once more, louder this time. Fluttershy looked up quickly, before setting that cat down and grinning sheepishly. “Oh, uh… I don’t know.” “Well it’d probably be a good idea to alert the Princesses,” Twilight said. “That is, if the ship’s landing hasn’t alerted them already.” “Let’s send her a letter then,” Rainbow Dash said. “Where’s Spike?” “He’s back at the treehouse, asleep,” Twilight replied. “Well then, let’s wake him up!” “Hang on a sec, girls,” Applejack interjected. “Anything else seem a lil’... off with him?” She received many stares. “What I mean is, he don’t seem t’ really grasp th’ situation, y’ know?” “Come to think of it, he did seem that way,” Rarity added. “But what relevance does that have?” “Well, why not just play along?” Applejack offered. “At least until the Princesses get here. So long as we go along with his loopiness, he won't hurt nopony. And that way, we might be able t’ learn a bit more about him.” “...Applejack, that’s genius!” Twilight exclaimed. That’s a really good idea… but why didn’t I think of it first? ...I wonder if anypony sells puzzles this late at night… “Okay, ha-frickin’-ha,” shouted Doctor Evil, who was now attempting to climb back down the steps. “Make a Number Two joke, like I haven’t heard that one a million frickin’ times... God- could someone frickin’ help me down?” Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy both flew ahead of the group that now approached the alien, and grabbed him by the shoulders, lifting him a bit above the ground before setting him down on the grass. The doctor then wobbled on his feet a bit, grabbing his stomach. “Oh God… Gonna vomit…” he slurred, hunched over for a moment. After his fit of sickness subsided, he leaned back up to see the two pegasi hovering above the ground. “...Right…” he said, pronouncing the ‘i’ as ‘oi’ and ending on a hard ‘t’ sound. “Uh, good work, henchmen. As you can see, I’m not quite as limber as I was in my youth.” Then, to Twilight, “Surely you can relate, Frau.” Before Twilight could say anything, Applejack gave her a glare. Twilight then sighed, and put on a big, fat, fake smile. “Absolutely, Mister Evil!” she said, faux enthusiasm oozing from her words. “Tone it back a bit, Twi,” Applejack whispered in her ear, before looking up at the alien with a far more genuine-looking smile. “So how can we help ya, Mister Evil?” “That’s Doctor Evil,” he corrected in irritation. “I didn’t go through all the trouble of stealing a degree to be called a frickin’ Mister.” “Anything we can help ya with, Doctor Evil?” Applejack repeated. “Indeed, henchman,” he replied. “Once more, I want to know where I can find Number Two.” “That’s easy,” she said, pointing back towards the Town Hall. “It’s right in-” “The Doctor doesn’t mean that number two, Applejack,” Twilight said not unkindly. “Thank you, Frau,” the Doctor said. “I’m of course talking about my good- Wait, Applejack? Your name is Applejack?” He raised an eyebrow. “Uh, yeah...” she replied with a raised eyebrow of her own. The doctor held a fist over his mouth and hunched over once more, groaning as though he had been kicked in the stomach. It took Twilight a moment to realize he was holding back laughter. “Uh, somethin’ funny?” Applejack asked, clearly annoyed. “No no,” he responded, his face scrunched up in agony. “That is a very good na-HNNNN-” And once more, he hunched over and groaned into his fist. Applejack huffed, clearly offended. “Uh, maybe you girls should go on ahead without me,” she said. “Before I go an’ do something I’ll regret later.” After his moment of mirth had passed, he straightened his back and rested his hands on his hips. “Okay,” the Doctor said, breathing a bit heavier. “I’m losing my frickin’ patience with this. Where the hell is Number Two? I’m not going to ask again.” “Uh…” Twilight was clueless. If he doesn’t mean the restroom, what could he possibly be talking about? “I’ll be your Number Two!” Pinkie Pie finally said, who seemed to materialize from right behind the doctor and stand by his side, looking up to him. “...You’re Number Two..?” the doctor said, donning a suspicious look. “Sure!” she replied cheerily. “...Right… Well, uh, it’s good to see you again, Number Two,” he said, still unsure. “You certainly have changed in the last thirty years.” Then, to Twilight. “So I’ll ask again; how goes the campaign for world domination?” “Uh, well, it’s going,” she said nervously. He gave her an unimpressed stare, folding his arms across his chest. “So in other words, we’re back to frickin’ square one?” When she didn’t immediately reply, he rolled his eyes. “Well isn’t that frickin’ peachy. Do we at least have any more plans?” “...That was more your specialty, wasn’t it?” Twilight asked, hoping to fish more information out of him. “While that may be true,” the doctor began, “that can’t mean you haven’t thought of anything since my departure, can it?” When Twilight didn’t respond, he sighed in frustration. “Well then what the hell have you all been doing since I was blasted into space? Twiddling your frickin’ thumbs? Playing frickin’ Tiddlywinks?” “...Uh…” The doctor held his face in his hand, taking a deep breath. “Assemble the executives and bring them to the conference room,” he commanded, removing his hand. “We must discuss the future of our evil organization. Now, where is the conference room?” “It’s actually inside,” she responded, pointing a hoof towards the Town Hall. Following her hoof, he looked back at her with a suspicion. “You really expect me to fall for that old cashew again?” “It’s not a trick,” she asserted. “Go inside, left hallway, last door on the right.” Hesitant, the doctor turned around, walking forward but stopping at the steps. “...Shit,” she heard him mutter, before he once more scaled the broken planks of the stairway. --Insert Austin Powers Wipe Here-- Twilight stared at the office chair that currently was facing away from the table, wondering why the doctor wasn’t facing the other ponies. The room was large enough to accommodate a large, 20-foot long oak table surrounded by ten chairs of the same material, and one lavishly-crafted office chair at the head of the table that currently seated the alien -who seemed to favor facing the wall rather than the rest of the group. Going clockwise and starting with Doctor Evil, the ponies seated were Twilight, Rarity, Mayor Mare, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie, with Applejack at the other end of the table. “So,” said the Mayor after ten minutes of silence, “now that we’re all here, what exactly are-” “Zip it,” said the Doctor faintly. “I beg your pardon?” she replied agitatedly. “Okay!” he said, much louder. “Now that I have you all here, I believe it is time for us to discuss our ultimate goal of…” He spun his chair around with his feet -with obvious effort- and turned to face the table, his shorn cat purring in his lap. He then pursed his lips and held a pinky to the corner of his mouth. “...World domination?” he said, adding an upward inflection as though it were a question. “And just how exactly do you plan on doing that?” Rainbow Dash inquired. “That’s a good question, generic executive number one,” he replied. “I have in fact concocted several evil plots since my cryostasis, and each one of them is better than the last.” This is brilliant! Twilight thought to herself. He’s going to spill everything to us without even knowing it! She could barely hold back the grin that slowly formed across her face. “The first plan came to me during the initial freezing process,” the doctor began. “In my irrational desire for warmth, I created the mental blueprints for a hyper-concentrated heat beam which I’ve designated as a-” Raising his hands, he extended the first two fingers on each hand and curled them downward. “-laser. This-” Once more, he performed the gesture. “-laser, will be aimed at the outer layer of our atmosphere that blocks the suns rays known as the-” Again, her curled his fingers. “-Ozone layer, slowly but surely increasing the chance of causing skin cancer unless…” Once more, he brought his pinky to his mouth. “...they pay us a hefty ransom?” “Except the sun doesn’t cause skin cancer,” the Mayor rebutted plainly. He tilted his head ever so slightly and raised an eyebrow. “Oh they disproved that, huh? Well no matter, I have several other plans in mind. “Now, from what I’ve been able to gather,” he continued, “the royal family is quite wealthy, yes? ...Well, yes or no?” he questioned, receiving several hasty nods. “Thank you! I mean I’ve been gone for thirty frickin’ years, so don’t expect me to know any of this crap. “Anyway,” he continued, “what I’m thinking is that we threaten to blackmail the prince with a falsified affair unless…” Once more, the pinky met the corner of his mouth. “...we were to receive one lump sum?” “There is no prince,” the Mayor said, unimpressed. “There are only the princesses, and neither of them are in a rela-” “Princesses?” the doctor parroted. “As in two of them, together?” The group nodded in affirmative. “Oh, so homosexuality is no longer frowned upon, is it?” “When was it ever?” Dash questioned. “...Wait a sec-” “Well if that plan won’t work,” he interrupted, “then let’s do what we always do; hijack a nuclear warhead and hold the world hostage, hmm?” He received several more blank stares, and out of nowhere, he slammed his fist down on the table, jarring both the group at the table, and the cat in his lap. “What the hell’s the matter with all of you?” he asked angrily. “Can we not sprechen sie the same lingidy anymore? Have you all changed that frickin’ much in the last three decades? I mean throw me a frickin’ bone here!” He turned to Pinkie Pie. “Number Two?” he asked with great remorse, “Surely you and I still understand each other, yes?” “I have no idea!” she replied with a cheery grin. The doctor took a deep sigh, before holding his cat out in front of him. “Here, someone frickin’ take him from me,” he commanded exasperatedly, to which Fluttershy quickly flew over the table and retrieved the cat, before flying back to her chair. All the while, Doctor Evil just stared at her with a furrowed brow. “...Right…” he finally said. “Well, seeing as how it’s clearly night time, I order you all to get a good night’s sleep; tomorrow, we have a lot of evil ground to cover.” He stood up out of his chair, walking towards the door. After opening it, he looked back towards the group at the table, and added, “And the first order of business? Someone get me a frickin’ automatic chair,” before leaving the room and closing the door behind him. The moment he left, the Mayor got out of her chair and took a seat in the lavish office chair at the head of the table. “That’s better,” she said, pleased. “Well, that was… informative…” Twilight said, scratching the back of her head. And we’re supposed to be afraid of him? “Indeed,” replied the Mayor. “He doesn’t seem to be all that, well, intelligent. Certainly, he shouldn’t be a threat, though I’d much rather wait for the Princesses to decide that for themselves before we make any rash decisions. Do any of you know when they might be arriving?” “They’ll probably arrive shortly after we send the letter,” Rarity said, “considering its urgency.” The Mayor raised an eyebrow. “It hasn’t been sent yet?” “Spike’s still asleep,” Twilight inserted. “I was planning on sending the letter in the morning, if the Doctor wasn’t going to be too much of an issue.” The Mayor nodded. “Certainly. But he’s right about one thing; we are all in desperate need of sleep. So I recommend that whoever will not be taking care of him get a good night of sleep.” After becoming the recipient of several confused expressions, she added, “Well someone’s going to have to keep him entertained for the night. If he really was frozen for thirty years, then odds are, he won’t be going to sleep. So, who’s it going to be?” “Ooh!” Pinkie exclaimed, wrapping a hoof around Fluttershy’s neck, “Fluttershy said she would do it!” Fluttershy’s pupils shrank. “P-Pinkie, I never said-” “Splendid decision!” the Mayor stated in approval. “Of all of you, I would believe that Fluttershy would be the most qualified to handle this particular situation. So good night; and to you, Fluttershy, good luck.” And with that, she left the room the same way that Doctor Evil had. Everyone else stared at Fluttershy, who was currently stiff and shaking. “Don’t worry, sugarcube,” Applejack said reassuringly. “I’m sure he won’t be much of a bother, an’ you can always count on us if y’ need help.” “...Okay…” she ceded, looking down at and petting the cat. “Maybe it won’t be so bad.” “That’s the spirit!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash, before letting out a rather loud yawn. “Well, I’m heading home. See you all in the morning!” And with that, everyone in the room began to disperse, leaving Twilight the last to leave. Though, she stopped dead in her tracks when a thought had occurred to her. Wait, I missed the meteor shower!