//------------------------------//
// Maud Pie 
// Story: A Dream 
// by totallynotabrony 
//------------------------------//

	I offered the knife to the group, but none of them stepped forward to take it.  “Who’s first?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?”
The ponies chained to the wall and the ponies standing in front of me were all dead silent.  Even the ones who weren’t being threatened with a knife didn’t look very pleased with the situation.  I let out a long sigh and threw up my hooves.  “I should have known.  Well, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself…”
“I just remembered that my sister is coming for a visit and we should all go taste-test two hundred pounds of rock candy before we make necklaces out of it!” said Pinkie.
“Oh my gosh, that sounds so important!” Twilight blurted.  “Let’s go!”
They all vanished from the basement.  I charged up the stairs after them.  “But what about getting answers and finding out what is so badly screwed up with this universe?”
None of them looked back or answered me as they fled out the door.  I came to a stop in the center of the library, feeling very displeased.  Some friends they had turned out to be.
Well, at the very least I could go meet Pinkie’s sister.  I did like rock candy, after all.
However, apparently I didn’t hurry fast enough and it was a while before I finally caught up with the group.  They had calmed down and had organized a pet playdate outside of town.  
Well, luckily I was qualified.  I brought along Admiral Falcon.  Trixie also decided to show up with Rexy.
I had a minute to talk with her privately.  “How have you been?” I asked.
“It’s been fun traveling with Daring,” she said.
“I’m glad you’re happy.”
Trixie smiled.  “Thank you for approving.  You know, I could help you find a special somepony, too.”
“Trixie, we’ve been over this.”
“I know, but I don’t want to see you alone and bored.  It might not hurt you to loosen up a little.”
I gave her a look.  “Are you saying that you want your dear old dad to shack up with a hot piece of ass?”
“No, not a donkey,” said Trixie.  We both chuckled.
I turned my eyes to the rest of the group. Rarity was wearing a hat covered in diamonds the size of baseballs.  A few sequins go a long way; even I knew that.  However, I had more important things on my mind.  I was going to strike up a conversation with the group about cowardice, particularly in the face of enemies who were chained to a wall, but Pinkie, Gummy, and Pinkie’s sister Maude arrived just then.
Maud had brought a pet of her own, a small rock who she introduced as Boulder.
“But wait,” I said.  “A boulder is technically defined as a rock that is more than ten inches in diameter.”
“It’s an affectionate ironic name,” Maud explained, her voice monotonous.  “I am impressed that you got the joke, though.  Most ponies don’t know the difference between a rock and a boulder.”
“I used to live with a guy who was a geologist,” I explained.  I knew that would pay off eventually.
“Maud’s about to go off on a trip to get her rocktorate in rock science,” Pinkie put in.  “She know so much about rocks!  She even discovered this special kind of rock that I put in my special rock candy!”
“So you know about rocks?” I asked.  “Know where I can get uranium?”
Maud nodded.  “Yes, but why would you want that?”
“Don’t ask,” said Twilight, hurriedly changing the subject.  “How about we all sit down and have a snack?”
I guess I couldn’t really turn down free food.  We all sat on the picnic blanket.
“Maud, would you like to try one of the Apple Family’s famous apple spiced muffins?” asked Applejack.
Maud looked at the basket of muffins and then picked out a large diamond that had apparently fallen off Rarity’s hat.  She ate it, crunching in what I assumed was bored pleasure.  Everyone stared.  Tough teeth, I suppose.
I took my share of muffins.  The conversation turned to fun and games.  Maud suggested a game where she hid her pet rock and everyone else had to find it, picking through all the other rocks in the field.
“I’m not sure my pet T-Rex would be suitable,” Trixie said.  “Little arms, you know.”
“I’ve seen a lot of fossils,” Maud said deadpan as she eyed Rexy, the animate dinosaur skeleton.  “Although not usually outside of rocks.”
“Wait, fossils?”  I paused.  “Hmm, you probably know a lot about evolution then.”
“What about it?” she asked.
“Well, we can basically prove then that the Princesses aren’t really the god-rulers that they’re made out to be.”
“Princesses aren’t god-rulers!” Twilight shouted.
“Yeah, and now I can prove it!” I exclaimed.  “This planet is millions and billions of years old!”
“Something like that,” Maud agreed.
“So…this universe wasn’t just created by your exes?” Trixie asked quietly.
I shrugged.  “When it turned into a real universe then maybe a history was created, too.  Either way, this is propaganda I can use.  Excuse me.”
I left the group and went back to Ponyville to scheme.

The rest of the day, I saw Maud around various places, hanging out with Pinkie’s friends.  She made a fool out of Rainbow Dash by showing an impressive amount of strength in rock-throwing, so of course I liked her.
I stayed in the library.  The ponies chained up downstairs stayed quiet, thankfully.  I worked more on my extendo boxing glove.  It was pretty much perfected, but I hadn’t gotten a chance for field testing.  It still made the amusing sproing noise.
It was kind of boring just hanging out.  I’d already gone through the library’s fiction books, the magic books, the nautical books, and whatever else that I cared about.  I was on the verge of having to resort to more inspired entertaining of myself, but luckily Pinkie came by and mentioned something about a Pinkie-Rainbow-Rari-Twi-Apple-Flutter-Maud Fun Time.
Whatever it was, it sounded better than hanging around the library and doing nothing. I went with Pinkie to the edge of town where she had built a huge obstacle course.
“It combines everypony's interests into one giant activity that we can all enjoy together and that will totally bring my sister and all of my bestest friends together as bestestest friends!” Pinkie explained.
“Nobody likes obstacle courses,” I said.
“Really?”  Pinkie frowned.  “I think Rainbow Dash does.”
“My statement stands.”
Regardless of what I thought, everyone came out in an attempt to be friends with Maud.  Concurrent with my opinion, most of them seemed reluctant to do the obstacle course.  Pinkie seemed dejected, but donned a snorkel and demonstrated the course for her friends.  She was almost all the way through when a giant boulder tried to crush her.
There was a pile of rocks and Pinkie was stuck halfway up.  Everyone freaked out as the biggest rock on top the pile started to fall, but none of them actually did anything.  Twilight could have used her famous magic, Rainbow could have swooped in, Applejack could have used her earth pony strength to kick the boulder away.
Instead, it was me who sprang into action, taking out my long range extendo boxing glove and pummeling Pinkie out of the way.  Sproing! 
I was a little worried about hurting her, but luckily, she bounced.  See, Pinkie is a lot like a balloon, right down to the cutie mark.  She even makes weird noises when she rubs on things.
With Pinkie out of the way, the boulder continued its slide down the rock pile, straight towards the rest of us.  I calmly stepped aside, cooler than Indiana Jones in the face of an oncoming boulder.  The rest scattered, all except for Maud.  She gave the boulder about to crush her a bored look, and then raised a hoof, punching it in half.
There was a stunned silence as Maud brushed some dust off her coat.  I was the first to speak.  “They teach you some good stuff at rock science school.”
“Actually, they won’t let you in unless you can do that.”  Maud shrugged.  “It’s just an application of earth pony magic.”
“You don’t say,” I mused.  My thinking gears were fully engaged.  Damn right I wanted to learn how to break boulders.
“How in Equestria did you do that?” asked Rarity, as the rest of them joined the conversation.
“And how did you move so fast?” said Rainbow.
Pinkie arrived just then, at some point having swapped out her snorkel for an imperial German helmet.  “Wow, everypony!  Who knew the obstacle course would bring you all together so quickly!”
“We’re not all together,” Maud said.  “I’m only friends with Valiant.  He’s the only one who knows anything about rocks.”
“Suck it, bitches,” I laughed at the rest.  That kind of made them angry.  All except for Pinkie, who giggled.
“This is the best thing ever!  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Maud so excited to make a friend!”
We all looked at Maud.  She blinked and stared back.
“Um, really?” Twilight said.
“I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't show my enthusiasm for things quite in the same way my sister does,” Maud said.  “Valiant is a good friend.  He actually does things, for example springing into action when my sister’s life is in danger.  I think you could learn a lot from him.”
“Learn friendship from Valiant?” Twilight sputtered.
“Well, it’s not like you already know everything there is to know about friendship,” I said.
“Of course I do!” Twilight retorted.  “I’m the Element of Magic!  I ascended into alicornhood!”
“Big deal.”  I waved a hoof.  “My ex girlfriend was an alicorn just because she wanted to be.  Post Haste, that bad guy we killed, was evil and yet still evolved.  We know evolution is a natural process; just ask Maud about fossils.  Besides, if you knew everything there is to know about friendship, then why does Celestia have you keep writing in that friendship journal?  Furthermore, I was involved in the spell that gave you those wings.  And I can take them back if I wanted - I'm the admin-moderator-god of this universe.  Face it, Twi, you’re only an alicorn because I allow you to be.”
I dropped the microphone and walked away.  I made a mental note that I would have to pick up another mic to drop for the next time that I needed to do so.  They were handy to have around, such as when you really wanted to have the perfect end to a verbal beatdown.
I went back to Ponyville to the library.  I was feeling pretty good about myself.  Any day when I bested Twilight in a battle of wits was a good day.  However, as I reached the library and went inside, I was greeted with something that took my good mood away.  Princess Luna was there, and she wanted me to work.
I rolled my eyes.  “Fine, what do you need?”
Luna indicated Sweetie Belle, who was also there.  “This young filly came to me about finding a new home.  Due to circumstances, she tells me she has to leave Ponyville.  Since you know her, I'd like you to help.”
Oh right, Sweetie's cover as a ninja had been blown.  I said, “Okay, fine.  Anything specific?”
“I'll need you to stay here in town just in case other business comes up,” Luna said.  “So you wont't be able to physically accompany her.”
“So...what do you want me to do?”
“As you know, I have the ability to visit dreams,” Luna said.  “We can use this same process for you to set up a connection in order to assist Sweetie.”
I looked at Sweetie.  “Are you okay with this?”
She shrugged.  “I guess.  I mean, I don't really have much choice.  I just wish I could get back to some sense of normality.  Things have been so hectic lately.”
“I can sympathize,” Luna said.
“Not really,” I said.  “You're a princess.  She's a filly who is being forced to move away from home.  Not much similarity there.”
“I meant that things have been hectic for me,” Luna said.  She paused.  “Maybe...maybe I could use a vacation.”
“We can all use some vacation now and then,” I agreed.
“But who's going to take care of dreams while you're gone?” asked Sweetie.
Luna frowned.  “I would have to choose carefully, as the dreamscape is no easy place to understand, much less command.  It would have to be somepony with a strong mind and advanced knowledge of intangible metaphysical concepts.”
“Like Valiant?” Sweetie suggested.  Luna looked at her, surprised at first, but then thoughtful.  They both turned to look at me.
“Uh...” I said.
But anyway, that's how I became Mr. Sandman.